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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  An Original Idea
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  Author    An Original Idea  (currently 4469 views)
Don
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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An Original Idea by Dean - Short, Comedy - Tommy and John have a meaningful discussion about horror films and...other things. <12 pages - pdf, format


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Soap Hands
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

This was really dialog driven and that would have been fine if the dialog was really good, the problem for me was that I didn't think it was good enough to carry, practically, the entire story.

There were moments where I would smile but you didn't get any laughs out of me, I could see where you had the jokes they just didn't really work for me. Perhaps it because I'm not a huge  horror film buff I didn't get it, on the other hand I had seen a majority of the movies mentioned, and didn't laugh at those either.

I didn't like the thing with the pumpkin at the very end either, I thought it was kind of lame/cliche.

I think what I enjoyed most about this script was the diction, bugger off, sorry mate, bollocks. I wish I was raised to speak proper English...

Overall, I didn't like this that much, the humor didn't work for me, there was pumpkin carving but it was more in the background so I think it only moderately fits the theme.

Nice effort though,

sheepwalker  
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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This one, eh, didn't do anything for me...Not funny at all, just a couple of talking heads carving pumpkins...I think the root of the problem is the two boys are very flat and dull characters, there's no depth or individuality to them.

They both sound and act pretty much the same.

That's the challenge in a piece like this, to give each character his own distictive voice. They may like to talk about the same things, but with a different perception based on thier personalities, interests and experiences.

One boy might have loved scream because of an intense crush on Neve Campbell, while the other boy might have hated it because the lighting was off or he disliked a song on the soundtrack...


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Shelton
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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I think I'm with the previous two posters on this one.  Not much for me here.  To me, it read like an alternate version of Clerks, where the conversations about different movies weren't as clever.

I didn't have any problem with your interpretation of the theme, but I think given the subject matters discussed, the dialogue could have been better.


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dslah
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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I'm not a fan of this one.

The word "your" was mis-used a few too many times. Some obvious grammar mistakes (ex. "Dunno, somet shit your pants scary.")

A few questions missing question marks, a lot of missing commas, etc.

Not very interesting concept-wise. In fact, was there even a concept? Two people sit, cut pumpkins and talk about horror movies?

I didn't see any real written humour in this script. At least nothing that hit me as an attempt of comedy.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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I think this is an Aussie one as well.

It was a nice try and you met the challenge - a bit light on comedy but you made it nonetheless.

I think somet wasn't a typo and that you were using it to indicate accent, but it was confusing and I would recommend using something.

Keep writing and you'll get there.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of spelling mistakes (unless, like mcornetto said, if they were accents, you might want to put some apostrophes where part of the word gets cut off...).

I have to agree, though, Halloween 3 was SO bad. It had nothing to do with Michael Myers so I don't even know why it was made.

Anyways...


...this one wasn't too funny. All they did was just talk about the same thing over and over again and repeated a lot of stuff. I mean, it's a typical conversation in real life I guess, though, it needs to be more interesting. There really is no plot until the very end when the pumpkins start coughing.

Anyways, good job.

Sean


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dslah
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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I'd guess it's written by a Brit. I think they meant "summat" as a regional dialect for "something."
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tomson
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'm pretty sure this one is from a Brit or Aussie.

Some of the wordings just give that away.

This one was another one that is mostly just dialogue. Nothing much going on. The dialogue wasn't that entertaining though, IMHO. Maybe to some younger folks.

The ending was a bit of a let down too.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful or positive. The writing and format is fine, it's just the story that's not going anywhere.

PS. I don't think the title fits at all.
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elis
Posted: October 16th, 2007, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Breathe fire at stupid bastards that get too close.
That should have happened in the action at the end, much more spectacular.

I found this script quite interesting. The twisted humor between the two, using movie titles and explanations for their carving was quite good but it wasn’t a laugh a minute type situation, which it should have been.
You followed this OWC theme.

I believe an Australian wrote this.

Well done!  Consider a re-write; this story has potential.
PS. I agree with Pia - The title does not in any way match your story!

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  7/10
Comedy Structure: 5/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10


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EBurke73
Posted: October 16th, 2007, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Not really funny and I had to keep going back to make sure that the characters were consistent.  There's some differences between the two boys to help tell them apart (John's got the sicker mind), but they both speak with the same voice, which was why I had to keep going back.  There was nothing to truly differentiate them from each other.  It was also very talky, and not much conflict.  Just a conversation about horror films while carving a pumpkin.  Maybe some more could have been done with one boy liking the sister?

The end was totally out of left field.  I didn't get it.  Did the pumpkins come alive?


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Well I'm sure that some people find John funny.  Oh my.

What can I say about this?  I like the concept, but not the execution.  Too much "way out there" stuff.

I liked the end though where the pumpkin coughs.

Some notes:

>Traditional kitchen?  What's that?  Maybe leave out traditional altogether.  It's not important.  If there's something important about a scene--to the context and content, then by all means, describe as succinctly as possible.

>What's that film with the pumpkin?  Sounds so vague.  But then again, it just might be the way the character talks so that might be fine.

By page 4, all I know is that John thinks Tom watches sh** movies.

John says, Murderous dogs who sneak into people's houses and suffocate them by sh*** in their mouths.
Tommy says, "You sick bastard."

You know what I thought here?  Yeah, a bad flu's been going around lately.

I didn't find that this went anywhere and I didn't like all the sh** this and sh** that.  

Still, I do feel that if you developed John's character (let him be bad sure, but maybe tame it down some).  I can see him coming up with outrageous ideas and it truly being funny if you did this right; so I don't want to be too critical because I feel that underneath the seeming ordinary, we've got two kids who are definitely talking as kids might trying to think of the next: "Greatest Idea" and that's good.

Sometimes, what we write just isn't for a general audience, believe me, I know about that, and sometimes I try and think about how I can imply things without being too provocative to some people's gentle mindset.  Personally, I believe that what's implied, or what isn't said can be every bit as affective--even more so if done correctly--then what isn't said.

My suggestion:

Tame it, develop the characters more and have another go.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I have one thing to add.  Some people didn't "get" that John was trying to come up with wild original ideas.

Yes, I think the title did fit, but you might want to somehow clue "Halloween" into the title such as:  Halloween: Big Ideas 1, 2 and 3...  

Sandra



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Takeshi
Posted: October 20th, 2007, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Like others have said the concept was good, but the dialogue was flat and there weren't many laughs to be had. To make this better the guys really need to get into a much more robust debate about the movies they like and dislike. This would fire the script up with more drama and create more opportunities for gags. It's not enough to just name drop movie titles; your characters need to get into specifics about the movies that are mentioned. The film Clerks has a classic example of this when the guys discuss the reconstruction of the Death Star in The Return of The Jedi.
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 27th, 2009, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi Alffy,


Thought I'd check this out because you said it had been filmed (currently in post production if my memory serves me correctly).

I have to agree that you can tell that this is one of your earlier attempts- your style is vastly improved now. Still, not a bad effort, and obviously someone liked it enough to produce it, so well done there.

I didn't have any problems with the dialogue, it seemed pretty close to how teenagers would speak, and I'm interested to see the finished product. I would have liked to see a bit more to the ending though.

Craig


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