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This was really dialog driven and that would have been fine if the dialog was really good, the problem for me was that I didn't think it was good enough to carry, practically, the entire story.
There were moments where I would smile but you didn't get any laughs out of me, I could see where you had the jokes they just didn't really work for me. Perhaps it because I'm not a huge horror film buff I didn't get it, on the other hand I had seen a majority of the movies mentioned, and didn't laugh at those either.
I didn't like the thing with the pumpkin at the very end either, I thought it was kind of lame/cliche.
I think what I enjoyed most about this script was the diction, bugger off, sorry mate, bollocks. I wish I was raised to speak proper English...
Overall, I didn't like this that much, the humor didn't work for me, there was pumpkin carving but it was more in the background so I think it only moderately fits the theme.
This one, eh, didn't do anything for me...Not funny at all, just a couple of talking heads carving pumpkins...I think the root of the problem is the two boys are very flat and dull characters, there's no depth or individuality to them.
They both sound and act pretty much the same.
That's the challenge in a piece like this, to give each character his own distictive voice. They may like to talk about the same things, but with a different perception based on thier personalities, interests and experiences.
One boy might have loved scream because of an intense crush on Neve Campbell, while the other boy might have hated it because the lighting was off or he disliked a song on the soundtrack...
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
A lot of spelling mistakes (unless, like mcornetto said, if they were accents, you might want to put some apostrophes where part of the word gets cut off...).
I have to agree, though, Halloween 3 was SO bad. It had nothing to do with Michael Myers so I don't even know why it was made.
...this one wasn't too funny. All they did was just talk about the same thing over and over again and repeated a lot of stuff. I mean, it's a typical conversation in real life I guess, though, it needs to be more interesting. There really is no plot until the very end when the pumpkins start coughing.
Breathe fire at stupid bastards that get too close. That should have happened in the action at the end, much more spectacular.
I found this script quite interesting. The twisted humor between the two, using movie titles and explanations for their carving was quite good but it wasn’t a laugh a minute type situation, which it should have been. You followed this OWC theme.
I believe an Australian wrote this.
Well done! Consider a re-write; this story has potential. PS. I agree with Pia - The title does not in any way match your story!
My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”: 7/10 Comedy Structure: 5/10 My rating of your script overall: 6/10
Not really funny and I had to keep going back to make sure that the characters were consistent. There's some differences between the two boys to help tell them apart (John's got the sicker mind), but they both speak with the same voice, which was why I had to keep going back. There was nothing to truly differentiate them from each other. It was also very talky, and not much conflict. Just a conversation about horror films while carving a pumpkin. Maybe some more could have been done with one boy liking the sister?
The end was totally out of left field. I didn't get it. Did the pumpkins come alive?
Well I'm sure that some people find John funny. Oh my.
What can I say about this? I like the concept, but not the execution. Too much "way out there" stuff.
I liked the end though where the pumpkin coughs.
>Traditional kitchen? What's that? Maybe leave out traditional altogether. It's not important. If there's something important about a scene--to the context and content, then by all means, describe as succinctly as possible.
>What's that film with the pumpkin? Sounds so vague. But then again, it just might be the way the character talks so that might be fine.
By page 4, all I know is that John thinks Tom watches sh** movies.
John says, Murderous dogs who sneak into people's houses and suffocate them by sh*** in their mouths. Tommy says, "You sick bastard."
You know what I thought here? Yeah, a bad flu's been going around lately.
I didn't find that this went anywhere and I didn't like all the sh** this and sh** that.
Still, I do feel that if you developed John's character (let him be bad sure, but maybe tame it down some). I can see him coming up with outrageous ideas and it truly being funny if you did this right; so I don't want to be too critical because I feel that underneath the seeming ordinary, we've got two kids who are definitely talking as kids might trying to think of the next: "Greatest Idea" and that's good.
Sometimes, what we write just isn't for a general audience, believe me, I know about that, and sometimes I try and think about how I can imply things without being too provocative to some people's gentle mindset. Personally, I believe that what's implied, or what isn't said can be every bit as affective--even more so if done correctly--then what isn't said.
Tame it, develop the characters more and have another go.
Like others have said the concept was good, but the dialogue was flat and there weren't many laughs to be had. To make this better the guys really need to get into a much more robust debate about the movies they like and dislike. This would fire the script up with more drama and create more opportunities for gags. It's not enough to just name drop movie titles; your characters need to get into specifics about the movies that are mentioned. The film Clerks has a classic example of this when the guys discuss the reconstruction of the Death Star in The Return of The Jedi.
Thought I'd check this out because you said it had been filmed (currently in post production if my memory serves me correctly).
I have to agree that you can tell that this is one of your earlier attempts- your style is vastly improved now. Still, not a bad effort, and obviously someone liked it enough to produce it, so well done there.
I didn't have any problems with the dialogue, it seemed pretty close to how teenagers would speak, and I'm interested to see the finished product. I would have liked to see a bit more to the ending though.