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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Hell Bent - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hell Bent by Louis No'mour - Adult, Short, Horror, Western - Three bandits on the run must choose their own path to Peace. 10 pages - pdf, format

Coimetrophobia - Fear of cemeteries


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eldave1
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Format wise no real complaints.

Premise was fine and the challenge parameters essentially met although I thought the phobia could have/should have played a more central part in the story - i.e., if you remove the phobia, you could pretty much tell the same story without losing much.

The dialogue was the weak link for me. Much of it too on the nose and all of it missing the tone of the old west, IMO. It sounded way too modern - e.g., sounded more City Slickers and less Tombstone - hope that analogy helps.

Good effort would one week.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 11:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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No need to write "ESTABLISHING SHOT" in your Slug.

Awkward phrasings early on.

Dialogue does not sound remotely authentic, sorry to say.

Just not working at all, because the writing and dialogue ain't cutting the proverbial mustard.

The story and setup don't work and nothing feels authentic here.

Wow...it was just sunset, then night, now sunrise?  Did I miss something here?

OK, not remotely good, but not terrible, either.  Lots and lots of mistakes on display.  Hopefully, this was a last minute submission, otherwise, you need to seriously learn how to edit your work and fix these issues.

Grade - **


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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I'm with Dave on this one.

It read well, a bit clunky in a couple of spots, but overall a nice little western ghost story.

My biggest concern, and where it falls down in the light of the challenge, is that there's no real struggle with the phobia. He faces a choice, considers it, then ploughs on seemingly unaffected in his own mind. His choice seems to be more of a moral one, than an outright and irrational fear.

Regardless, it's a nice, well written script.

I liked it, but it's not gonna win for me due to the lack of attention paid to the phobia.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one! Well written, good dialogue and even a good story. I loved how you worked rest in peace in there. The phobia was well used as well.

Great job!


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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I was taken briefly out with the establishing shot, which isn't necessary, and some of the dialogue sounded cheesy, not authentic. I'd also argue that this story didn't really have anything to do with a phobia, that felt like it was added in to an existing story.

However,  I did like it. It was well written, you made me feel like this was a real wild west adventure. At first the ghosts angle felt like you'd jumped the shark but I got used to them.

Top marks for a very inventive way of using 'Rest in Peace' and I liked the twist at the end. Good job overall!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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JEStaats
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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The phobia could have been magnified or explored more since most of us would've been apprehensive about going through an Indian burial ground under a full moon. Tico seemed to accept the option way too easy.

Dialog was kinda cheesy in places. It varied from very fitting for the genre to contemporary jargon. And like Jeff said, time flies when you're being chased by the dead! Pretty quick night from dusk to dawn.

The chase action seemed a bit clunky but I liked the ending. Not bad overall. A good Halloweenie story.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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This definitely tops what I've read so far...

I liked the writing and loved when they were going through the sacred grounds. I think this was a good story completebwith good writing, the dialogue could you some work as others have pointed out, but it all didn't seem terribly bad to me.

Great twist at the end there, great work.
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khamanna
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer.
Thanks for adding such a fun story into the pile. I normally don't like westerns but yours got me glued to the screen. Some of the conversations could be more personal though but it doesn't spoil the entry.
I would also should have liked it better if the characters were more different to each other - they kind of sound alike for me right now.

Still a wonderful entry. Loved the use of rip in this. The phobia is also an exciting one.
I wonder what the last line is. Must be another rip. Top marks from me. Great job
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pale yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. A horror western. GREAT combo. Like your title too BTW.

Logline is fine with me.

Love your title page.

Ok not much bad to say here. I liked all your bandits. Each had a unique voice I think. Loved the Indian undead warriors. The scalping was a strong moment.

Like the twist at the end.

Good job ... good writing. Liked this!


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JakeJon
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Loved where you took me.  Colorful and action oriented.  Sucker for good westerns.

Dialogue didn't feel it was right for the characters.

Not enough symptomatic phobia maybe.  But overall nice writing.

JJ
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Warren
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I'd lose the establishing shot.


Quoted Text
Their attire and menacing appearance hints that they've been
up to no good.


What is their attire, how do they seem menacing, and how does that hint they've been up to no good? I'm not sure what I'm looking at here.


Quoted Text
froth with sweat.


Wouldnt you be frothing with saliva?

Ha-Ha, you're taking the piss right? So this is Bone Tomahawk with the undead, you even have the high pitched squeal.

I hate westerns but I love horrors so one of the only westerns I've ever watched is Bone Tomahawk and it bares quite a resemblance to this.

Zero for originality, other than how you used RIP, but that's not good enough to save the script.

It is well written though.

All the best


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Not entirely sure why Yuma killed Tico.  He didnít expressly forbid them to cross the cemetery - he just didnít want to cross sacred ground himself.  

Phobia wise itís there but could have played a more active part in the direction/outcome of the story.  The burial ground was good location to really ramp up the tension but it was over with too quickly.  I like how you worked the Ďrest in peaceí line into it.

A quick and entertaining read, a little cheesy perhaps but fun enough that it held me till the end.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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stevie
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Lol I'm a sucker for a western script having written a couple myself. This was pretty good but does have a few issues as other reviews have noticed.
The dialogue is a bit off at times - I think with westerns we have a cliched view of how it should look and feel thats at odds with the reality of what it was like.

A good little Halloween tale that needs a rewrite to tighten up but overall it was a inventive take on the challenge


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Warren
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Seriously has no one seen Bone Tomahawk?

Just watch the first 10 minutes.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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