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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Magic Candy - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
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  Author    The Magic Candy - OWC  (currently 450 views)
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 7:39am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Shakespeare's county
Posts Per Day
Hello writer

I am on page 7 and nothing has happened yet - a lot of talking, nothing visual, nothing scary, a "scream" that came from the TV (which IMHO should lead to a DQ)
In a short, you should really get to the point quicker. And keep things visual, ultimately screenplays are meant to be seen, not just read.

OK, writer. I'm treating this as if you are new to the craft.

You have a lot to learn about proper storytelling. Read the books, read screenplays, get involved with other screenwriters to get some help and critique on your work.
But most of all, be patient and keep at it... we all start somewhere and this writing stuff is a marathon, not a sprint.

Good luck to you

Private Message Reply: 15 - 20
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 10:56pm Report to Moderator

I wish my brain was half as wise as my ass.

Asheville, NC
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This was an awful lot of talking and not enough action. And I didn't get a horror vibe at all. And shortly after the cops showed up I couldn't remember if they were still there because everyone else was just talking, talking talking.

This could have been interesting if you cut out A LOT of the banter and had more action like you squeezed in at the end.

“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 20
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day

p4 this is good so far

p5-p6 dialogue eventually weakens the script and brings the plot to a halt. Far too much Q and A style. You actually lose my whole enthusiasm from the nice exposition there.
In general, dialogue almost never brings a story forward when you need to accelerate the plot.

top of p9 – why would she do that?

I appreciate your attempt to try push it into a field of originality as far as you could, however it didn't convince me as a coherent form of a story.

Not sure why you let them talk that much when the story would have been more interesting, to me at least, when including the people/characters who produce the magic candy. In other words, you left out the cool myth stuff and give us the overlong cop-talk.

Title and build-up were ace though.

No catastrophe, no true greatness, it's a mildly okay for me. Keep it going.

Private Message Reply: 17 - 20
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
On p2, The police are outside of the house, probably on the porch. We are still are an INT. as Budd and Mabel are still inside. On p3, a "new scene" that is CONTINUOUS merely has the officers enter the home. It seems to me you don't  need it, it's the same location. Heck, you probably don't even need Front Door.  (Living Room will do)

The dialog between Budd, Mable and the two cops could be shortened up and characters should get to the point.

Quoted Text
That’s why we put it in the bowel
with the rest of the candy.

Quoted Text
Mable gets a large plastic bowel from the table, shows it to
James and Alice.

A near-empty bowel with a few Tootsie Rolls.

Amazing what a spelling error can do. ...the last one made me laugh a little. Trust me, I ALMOST want you to get away with that one.  

Quoted Text
Bobby hesitates for a beat

Just say Bobby hesitates.  

Quoted Text
Budd is snoring.
Bobby is sleeping soundly.
Linda is sleeping soundly

Minimalist nonsense. And bad grammar. and repetitive. And while there's nothing really wrong with it, we know it's BUDD'S HOUSE.  You can simply write BOBBY'S ROOM in one scene and LINDA'S ROOM in the other.

Script takes a long, long time to get where it was going, and doesn't seem to really go anywhere. eat the sweets, and if you are an atheist or a bad kid you turn into a pillar of salt?  Come on,now. How about y'know...sugar candy? Like that stuff in Pixie Sticks or Sweet Tarts? Just sayin'

"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss :
The Art!
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Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 18 - 20
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Well written and a good story idea, but the script consists mostly of dialogue. Nothing really happens until Mable follows the ritual and eats the candy. Turning her into a statue seems an extreme punishment just for being an Unbeliever. However, for a buck-and-a-half you do get a lot of bang!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse

The Swamp...
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This must be written by a young person, lol. They sound and act more like they are in their seventies. Hearing aid? Have you seen them nowadays. They are tiny little things you can't hardly see. I don't use one, but I'm guessing that you don't turn them on and off like Budd did.

Why is it only Budd's house? They both live there and their last name is Johnson.

Gentlemen? Isn't Alice female?

Almost six pages of dialogue.

Page seven and no horror yet.

Bowel should be bowl.

Why would Mable want to try the candy when she was told by the police that several kids were in the hospital?

I like the idea of the bad candy bought online, but was less keen on what you did with that idea.

Private Message Reply: 20 - 20
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