Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I like some of what you've brought here, Michael. I fiddled with what you had... The suicidal death of an acclaimed journalist initiates an investigation that instigates a dangerous battle with the nation's real power brokers - the lobbyists. ... but in doing so, I missed out on "the senator" and "the friend, detective dude".   Sandra

I didn't really think the fact that it was a friend or a suicide made it any more intriguing.  Nor did I think that the myserious woman or the Supreme court thingy were throughline.   I used forced because it's a really powerful action, whereas instigates is kind of passive and if not passive then a whimpy one. .

Quoted from mcornetto I didn't really think the fact that it was a friend or a suicide made it any more intriguing.  Nor did I think that the myserious woman or the Supreme court thingy were throughline.   I used forced because it's a really powerful action, whereas instigates is kind of passive and if not passive then a whimpy one. .

Yes, "instigates" and "forced" are two different animals; so that really depends upon the story. Either could be correct depending upon what's going on.

"Force" is what we think to be more brutal and direct.

"Instigates" has an air of manipulation and underhanded deceit.

Whatever is to happen in this logline, I definitely think that we would need to read the script in order to decipher and decide the kind of superfluous stuff in order to nail it.

This is one of the hardest things to do. Looks easy. Really hard. Like screenwriting in general.

Sandra

Remove "sudden" too - all deaths are sudden...

And "refuses to rule the death a suicide" already implies that this person was not in a hospital hooked up to machines for 3 months...

Quoted from Baltis. Oh, there was a vacancy wasn't there...  Hmmm...  Now looking at the original log line, what does the death of the reporter have to do with the vacancy?  Writer, explain please.

That's the mystery in the story.  What does the suicide have to do with the vacancy?


Phil

Without divulging too many spoilers here, the Senator reads a note from his reporter-friend that convinces him that the already apparently shady Supreme Court nominee should be opposed with all his might.  That decision sets off a scramble among lobbyists to find the Senator's darkest secrets and blackmail him.  Later in the series, he has to decide whether to continue that fight when a woman on Death Row may actually be innocent.

I don't know just how important it is to mention the SCOTUS angle in the logline, as it is a secondary story that will recur only occassionally.  The main story for the pilot is the reporter's death, bringing the Senator and detective (who used to date) together, with a few flashbacks to their college memories.

I appreciate all of the help, different suggestions, etc.  It is all very helpful, as I'm having difficulty with loglines (especially since I keep mixing the series premise with the episode plot and coming up all convoluted).  Keep them coming.

And if anyone wants to swap scripts, I'd be happy to do so.

Quoted from dogglebe That's the mystery in the story.  What does the suicide have to do with the vacancy?

Exactly.  There is an initial reaction (as I just wrote), but the detective's dogged determination (helped by an unusual bequest given to her by the reporter) will lead the two of them to discover a wider conspiracy at work.  But that's a plot for later in the series.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Whatever is to happen in this logline, I definitely think that we would need to read the script in order to decipher and decide the kind of superfluous stuff in order to nail it. This is one of the hardest things to do. Looks easy. Really hard. Like screenwriting in general.

Maybe it's just me, but I have a hard time with being concise without leaving out nuance.  So the logline is almost the hardest part for me.

Anyway, I am not sure I want to post the script online right now (especially given how much I'm obsessing over its rewrite and logline), but I am happy to privately swap scripts and feedback with people.

Based on some suggestions (although I may still like the ones offered more than the ones I wrote), here are a few alternates:

Faced with a dear friend’s death, a young Senator must confront increasingly undeniable evidence that he is the target of a deadly conspiracy.
--> This is more like a series logline than a script logline.

Recoiling from a friend’s suicide, an idealistic Senator and a private investigator are bequeathed cryptic evidence that their friend was the target of a deadly conspiracy.
--> Gives a way a lot of details about the series, even some of which aren't in the pilot.

An old friend’s traumatic death reconnects a U.S. Senator with his idealistic past, and with a detective who believes their friend was murdered.
--> Could change "traumatic death" to "apparent suicide".  Either way, it's a shorter logline that also leaves out the SCOTUS/lobbyist angle, which is more B-story/cliffhanger-moment stuff anyway.

Are these better?  I know not having the script is difficult to judge, but still...