"ScarTissueFilms" suggested I post my logline, as it may need a makeover if I'm not getting any hits on Inktip.  Although I suspect part of the problem is that it's a tv pilot and not a spec feature.  I also recently changed it to reflect some revisions.

Anyway, here goes:

"The Senator" - Pilot
As Washington obsesses over a Supreme Court vacancy, a well-respected reporter commits suicide.  A U.S. Senator must say goodbye to the old college friend, even as a woman from his past and the reporter's bequest set him on an unlikely collision course with the nation's real power brokers - the lobbyists.

Here's a shorter version:

The unexpected death of a well-respected reporter shocks a Washington consumed by a Supreme Court vacancy, and reunites Senator Adams with a college friend, a detective who refuses to rule the death a suicide.

And I could probably slim that second one down further.  But length isn't as important as punch, and I could use any help SS can provide.

I don't know if this will help at all. It's not that good, but I wanted to bring something to the table:

The suicidal death of a famous reporter brings two old friends together. While they aspire to shed the real light on a botched case, they...

I don't know the story, but the main thing is this:

Try not to do what I just did. If you can keep your logline to one short sentence. (the shorter the better-- under 15 words) then do that. I stumbled with what you had because you've got senators and detectives and I'm not really good with all that, but I thought: What's important? We've got tons of shows with senators and detectives, but if they were good ole friends, then I figured that was more important for the logline. I could be wrong.

What I was trying to think of, and the word escapes me now is this:

What is that word where you want to "clear the damage done to a person's character"?

It just won't come to me.

Anyways, what I was thinking is that if the reporter was being scandalized in the news... and if he was a really nice guy-- then I could really see that we have a sympathetic audience who wants to see his life be put to rest in truth and with the respect he deserves. Not maybe... I don't know... that he'd been drinking too much of late... on anti-depressants... gambling... etc...

Maybe that was all true... (and of course I'm just making this all up but you can see where I'm going hopefully)... But the point is:

You want your logline to have punch, right?

Then what is going to set it out apart from whatever blah-blah-blah crime drama type thing and make someone like "me", who cares about something else... pay attention?

I think it might have to do with those universal truths that we can all relate to.

Anyways, I hope this helps.

If someone has their brilliant mind working tonight on a word for "clearing of character", then I will be SO grateful!!! I feel like I'm in a room looking for my glasses and I can't find them!

God bless,

Sandra

"The suicide of a respected Washington reporter reunites a senator with an old friend in law enforcement when the death is tied to a Supreme Court vacancy."


Phil

I like both Sandra's and Phil's suggestions!

Excellent idea to ask for logline help. I REALLY suck at those myself.

Quoted from dogglebe "The suicide of a respected Washington reporter reunites a senator with an old friend in law enforcement when the death is tied to a Supreme Court vacancy." Phil

The suicide of a respected Washington reporter...

Sounds good!

But then we get tied up in syllables which always gets us.

re u nites a sen a tor

with an old friend

in law en force ment

when the death

is tied to

su preme court va can cy

** This is a hard one.

I think we need a real hot verb.

Sandra

How about asking what the story is about?

It's about a US Senator.

What does (s)he do?

A US Senator collaborates with a detective to find out why a journalist committed suicide during hearings on a Supreme Court nominee.

Pretty much what Phil laid out.

Howdy, Kenneth

Lotsa material to work with here. That's a good thing.

1 - As Washington obsesses over a Supreme Court vacancy,
2 - a well-respected reporter commits suicide.  
3 - A U.S. Senator must say goodbye to the old college friend,
4 - even as a woman from his past and
5 - the reporter's bequest set him on
6 - an unlikely collision course with
7 - the nation's real power brokers - the lobbyists.

Shorter version:

1 - The unexpected death of a
2 - well-respected reporter
3 - shocks a Washington consumed by a
4 - Supreme Court vacancy, and
5 - reunites Senator Adams with a
6 - college friend, a detective who
7 - refuses to rule the death a suicide.


Too many elements, even if they are all important. Eventually.
Cut it down to three or four elements.

---

Delete the shocked Washington + Supreme Court vacancy elements.
What've we got left... ?

1 - The unexpected death of a
2 - well-respected reporter  
5 - reunites Senator Adams with a
6 - college friend, a detective who
7 - refuses to rule the death a suicide.

---

Let's run it out, now:

The unexpected death of a well-respected reporter reunites Senator Adams with a college friend, a detective who refuses to rule the death a suicide.

Better.
Delete the name Adams.

The unexpected death of a well-respected reporter reunites a Senator with a college friend, a detective who refuses to rule the death a suicide.

Better still, but... meh?
No desperation.

---

Let's check out some logline winners.
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/12/top-25-announced.html
See if we can find a similar situation to pattern off of.

These fit your situation and contain desperate elements:
Comedy
Short Term Forecast by Brad Sorensen (Ottawa) - After discovering a fax machine that can send and receive messages one day into the future, an impossibly inaccurate weather man struggles for career advancement while trying to maintain the space/time continuum.

Comedy
Get Motivated by Stephen Hoover - When a company motivational camping trip turns into a life and death struggle, a put-upon underling takes action and leads an uprising against his oppressive boss.

Thriller
Synapse by Matthew Sinclair-Foreman - During a brain operation, a man has an out of body experience in which he witnesses a murder in the hospital. Debilitated by neurological post-op side effects, he must catch the killer before his investigation turns him into the next victim.

---

Now, lettuce template some of those desperate elements and insert you elements.

The questionable death of a D.C. reporter forces a Senator and detective to investigate a Congressional conspiracy.
Hmm... lame.

Recoiling from the traumatic death of a best friend, a [adjective] Senator struggles to investigate his possible murder while trying to maintain his family relationships.

When the death of a DC reporter increasingly looks like murder, a [adjective] Senator and [adjective] detective must lead an investigation to the steps of congressional lobbyists.

Faced with increasingly undeniable evidence from a [adjective] detective, a [adjective] Senator must hold onto his family before his investigation into institutional killings makes him the next target.
Probably the better of these.

Something like those.

"The sudden death of a respected reporter ROCKS capitol hill and reunites Senator Adams with a determined detective who refuses to rule the death a suicide."

I think it could be tweaked, read this in passing.  But definitely use "ROCKS Capitol Hill".  Ask yourself how many times you've heard that phrase before.  

Here's my try - even though I'm kind of guessing what the script is about.  

During his private investigation into the death of a respected reporter, a U.S. Senator is forced into a politically and physically dangerous battle with the nation's real power brokers - the lobbyists.

Quoted from mcornetto Here's my try - even though I'm kind of guessing what the script is about.   During his private investigation into the death of a respected reporter, a U.S. Senator is forced into a politically and physically dangerous battle with the nation's real power brokers - the lobbyists.

I like some of what you've brought here, Michael. I fiddled with what you had...

The suicidal death of an acclaimed journalist initiates an investigation that instigates a dangerous battle with the nation's real power brokers - the lobbyists.

... but in doing so, I missed out on "the senator" and "the friend, detective dude".  

Sandra

Quoted from Baltis. But definitely use "ROCKS Capitol Hill".  Ask yourself how many times you've heard that phrase before.

I never heard the phrase bacon-flavored ice cream either.

There's a reason for it....


Phil

Quoted from Baltis. "The sudden death of a respected reporter ROCKS capitol hill and reunites Senator Adams with a determined detective who refuses to rule the death a suicide." I think it could be tweaked, read this in passing.  But definitely use "ROCKS Capitol Hill".  Ask yourself how many times you've heard that phrase before.

I think this is actually very good. The only thing is we need to lose the name, "Adams".

Sandra

Quoted from dogglebe I never heard the phrase bacon-flavored ice cream either. There's a reason for it.... Phil

No, no, no.. Rocks Capitol Hill is in.  That's the line.  Just like Jerk Store was George's Line.  

Sandra, it's done.  Adams is out!  Out I say!  Out!!!!!!!

The problem with yours, Balt, is that you don't mention the Supreme Court vacancy.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe The problem with yours, Balt, is that you don't mention the Supreme Court vacancy. Phil

Oh, there was a vacancy wasn't there...  Hmmm...  Now looking at the original log line, what does the death of the reporter have to do with the vacancy?  Writer, explain please.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I like some of what you've brought here, Michael. I fiddled with what you had... The suicidal death of an acclaimed journalist initiates an investigation that instigates a dangerous battle with the nation's real power brokers - the lobbyists. ... but in doing so, I missed out on "the senator" and "the friend, detective dude".   Sandra

I didn't really think the fact that it was a friend or a suicide made it any more intriguing.  Nor did I think that the myserious woman or the Supreme court thingy were throughline.   I used forced because it's a really powerful action, whereas instigates is kind of passive and if not passive then a whimpy one. .

Quoted from mcornetto I didn't really think the fact that it was a friend or a suicide made it any more intriguing.  Nor did I think that the myserious woman or the Supreme court thingy were throughline.   I used forced because it's a really powerful action, whereas instigates is kind of passive and if not passive then a whimpy one. .

Yes, "instigates" and "forced" are two different animals; so that really depends upon the story. Either could be correct depending upon what's going on.

"Force" is what we think to be more brutal and direct.

"Instigates" has an air of manipulation and underhanded deceit.

Whatever is to happen in this logline, I definitely think that we would need to read the script in order to decipher and decide the kind of superfluous stuff in order to nail it.

This is one of the hardest things to do. Looks easy. Really hard. Like screenwriting in general.

Sandra

Remove "sudden" too - all deaths are sudden...

And "refuses to rule the death a suicide" already implies that this person was not in a hospital hooked up to machines for 3 months...

Quoted from Baltis. Oh, there was a vacancy wasn't there...  Hmmm...  Now looking at the original log line, what does the death of the reporter have to do with the vacancy?  Writer, explain please.

That's the mystery in the story.  What does the suicide have to do with the vacancy?


Phil

Without divulging too many spoilers here, the Senator reads a note from his reporter-friend that convinces him that the already apparently shady Supreme Court nominee should be opposed with all his might.  That decision sets off a scramble among lobbyists to find the Senator's darkest secrets and blackmail him.  Later in the series, he has to decide whether to continue that fight when a woman on Death Row may actually be innocent.

I don't know just how important it is to mention the SCOTUS angle in the logline, as it is a secondary story that will recur only occassionally.  The main story for the pilot is the reporter's death, bringing the Senator and detective (who used to date) together, with a few flashbacks to their college memories.

I appreciate all of the help, different suggestions, etc.  It is all very helpful, as I'm having difficulty with loglines (especially since I keep mixing the series premise with the episode plot and coming up all convoluted).  Keep them coming.

And if anyone wants to swap scripts, I'd be happy to do so.

Quoted from dogglebe That's the mystery in the story.  What does the suicide have to do with the vacancy?

Exactly.  There is an initial reaction (as I just wrote), but the detective's dogged determination (helped by an unusual bequest given to her by the reporter) will lead the two of them to discover a wider conspiracy at work.  But that's a plot for later in the series.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Whatever is to happen in this logline, I definitely think that we would need to read the script in order to decipher and decide the kind of superfluous stuff in order to nail it. This is one of the hardest things to do. Looks easy. Really hard. Like screenwriting in general.

Maybe it's just me, but I have a hard time with being concise without leaving out nuance.  So the logline is almost the hardest part for me.

Anyway, I am not sure I want to post the script online right now (especially given how much I'm obsessing over its rewrite and logline), but I am happy to privately swap scripts and feedback with people.

Based on some suggestions (although I may still like the ones offered more than the ones I wrote), here are a few alternates:

Faced with a dear friend’s death, a young Senator must confront increasingly undeniable evidence that he is the target of a deadly conspiracy.
--> This is more like a series logline than a script logline.

Recoiling from a friend’s suicide, an idealistic Senator and a private investigator are bequeathed cryptic evidence that their friend was the target of a deadly conspiracy.
--> Gives a way a lot of details about the series, even some of which aren't in the pilot.

An old friend’s traumatic death reconnects a U.S. Senator with his idealistic past, and with a detective who believes their friend was murdered.
--> Could change "traumatic death" to "apparent suicide".  Either way, it's a shorter logline that also leaves out the SCOTUS/lobbyist angle, which is more B-story/cliffhanger-moment stuff anyway.

Are these better?  I know not having the script is difficult to judge, but still...