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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Remnant - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Remnant - OWC  (currently 5597 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Remnant by Pii Anttonen (Pii)
- Short - Trading in immortality can be a dirty business. But if you're going to die anyway, why wouldn't you take the chance? 8 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 17th, 2016, 4:55pm
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GM
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Cool concept. I liked the twist. Nothing else to say except that I liked this one. Not sure what other people might say though.

Gabe
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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The concept here and "twist" at the end is applauded, but the writing and execution isn't very good.

Is the title correct?  I'm not familiar with that word, nor do I see it the dictionary. If it's indeed a typo, that's a pretty bad start.

You start out with a 5 line passage, which also is a very bad start.

Your writing itself is very awkward...almost stilted in a way.  Odd descriptions and phrasings throughout.  Passive writing.  You use both "peek hole" and peep hole", which is strange.  The use of the montage doesn't work for me, and could be done much more effectively.

This feels rather bloated up front for no real gain.  The ending does work.  Does the overall story really make sense, though?   I don't know...I don't see how Ed would be able to pull this scam off, over and over.

I'd say this is one of the better entries so far, but needs some attention to the writing and overall execution.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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My thoughts;

# overall I liked it. It suited the challenge and kept simple.
# what happened to the payment for the first customer? Went missing. Not sure ED would agree to that.
# dialogue seemed to be a bit  stretched in the last half.  I could see where the next client was going but we seemed to take a while to get there.

But... there seemed a nice irony in trying to escape life through some backstreet venture only to find out( ok they don't) that it doesn't work. Something circular about it.

Well done for entering.


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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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This was cool. I liked the technique of achieving immortality. The story was believable, characters and dialog were okay and the ending was a tweak different than expected. The writing was a bit prose like with words like eclectic. Also avoid descriptions like “other standard neurological procedures” damn hard to visualize.
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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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I had no problem with the writing. The main thing is the dialogue, and that sounded very natural here. Nice job in that.

Actually, come to think of it, I basically liked this, though the concept didn't blow me away and I anticipated the ending. So why did I like it? Believe it or not, the writing. The description was a little awkward in the set up, but after that everything flowed rather nicely, I guess because the dialogue was effective. So I would have to say: thumbs up. Congrats on a nice easy to read script.
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Ryan1
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Is the title correct?  I'm not familiar with that word, nor do I see it the dictionary. If it's indeed a typo, that's a pretty bad start.


The actual title is Remnant.  Pretty good title, actually.

I like the sci-fi take on the challenge and this script fits the parameters perfectly.  The story reminds me a lot of some tv show episode I can't think of now.  Maybe Outer Limits or Tales from the Crypt, where a scientist was selling new bodies to diseased people.  Damn, I wish I could remember where I saw that.

Try to break up those big opening paragraphs.


Some good dialogue exchanges and I like the skeezy description of the lab.

Only glaring logic issue I could think of is when Gerald looks at Steve's old body.  You give us this physical description of Steve:

"Steve is in a bad shape, physically weak.  His bloodshot
eyes and slowness of his movements tell the tale of harsh
illness."

I don't think Ed would be able to "clean up" Steve's body enough to fool a smart guy like Gerald.  And, if you think about it, doing this wouldn't be good for Ed's repuitation in this underground industry.  People would stop coming to him if they thought they were gonna get stuck in the body of some disease-ridden junkie or something.

Other than that, this was a solid entry.  Good job.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This is a solid piece of work. The beginning was a bit thick in the black stuff, but it picks up as we move along. Quite the ending.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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mcornetto
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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It had a good twist on a slightly cliche subject - so at the very least you brought something new to the table.

I think you should get into the story a bit quicker though, skip some of that architectural detail.

There were a couple of oddities in here that I thought I would bring up.  The first was "rocky chair".  I wasn't certain what you meant by that, at first I thought rocking chair but I don't think so after looking at it again.  Now I think you mean unsteady office chair.

The second was "he got fried in the monorail transit". Hunh?  Where you just trying to say Ed was lying because that's a lame way to go - if it's even possible.

Anyway, good week for a work, uh, work for a week.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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This read is confusing me with a lack of slugs for the door.
Less descriptives and clearer layout would help this along.
The dialogue works for me, a little background would’ve helped.
Some casual conversation to allude to the general culture, etc.
Overall, it worked for me, despite some chunky passages.
The twist brought it together, good OWC script.

Regards,
E.D.


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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OK, so the title was misspelled, correct?  It's been changed now.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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SLM
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 4:04am Report to Moderator
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This wasn't bad. Twist wasn't exactly that surprising, but it worked.

Bit dialogue heavy for my tastes, and it was a bit clunky in places, but definitely one of the better efforts I have read so far.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Very nice.  

I liked the story and its ending. It left me with a smile.

Not a whole lot to say about this one other than it was pretty neat.


Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Chunky writing in the beginning, but other than that I liked it.

I liked the ending, but I'm wondering what Ed will do with Gerald's old body. Who's going to want to trade with that?

One of the better ones for sure and I think I've read them all.  


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I felt compelled to read this because I wrote a series pilot once called The Remnant. I’m glad to find our premises are totally different.

I think there’s some good writing here but the end twist is implausible. Ed would be an idiot to conduct business in this manner. It would only take someone like Steve going to authorities to ruin him.

I wish more writers would quit trying to force a big twist at the end of a story and focus on twists and turns throughout the story. Stories should be filled with twists, not just one long buildup to a twist at the end.

The premise is intriguing and the writing has potential. Needs a little more development.

Good luck.


Breanne


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