Thanks, Forgive.  Definitely a concept to consider.  I will have to research the dos and don'ts of such a format.  I would definitely appreciate any further insight, if possible.

Sincerest thanks,
Jim Waterous

The one thing to remember most is to take every bit of criticism with a grain of salt (minus the formatting errors).  It's always best to take the suggestions of others put them in a pot, pull out the common ones and look at them.  Al least that's what I've read anyways.

The concept can work, just look at the movie Blast from the past.  The one thing the movie had was keep it simple.  Best of luck and I look forward to reading the next version.

Jim:

I read the first few pages along with the comments by the other posters - they are correct. This needs a lot of work.

Now the good news is that you have a fabulous attitude. You take the criticism well and obviously want to learn - good on ya.

My suggestion would be not to do a complete re-write yet. I don't think you're ready. Instead, do some homework - read some other scripts for examples of scene headings, action blocks, etc. (there are several shorts on this site that are easy reads) and start honing the basic craft.

You also need to Google some basic screen writing structure to start getting you to use the tools you will need. Here are a couple of quick examples:

http://scripped.com/help/nav/_screenplay_basics

http://slugline.co/basics/

http://www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Formatting/Formatting_II/formatting_ii.html

There are tons of other sites out there that will help with the basics.

And after you have picked up some of the basics - then write one page and post that for feedback.

All the best of luck to you. Like I said - you have the perfect frame of mind to learn this stuff.

Learning the ropes is tough, especially when you're dealing with format, but always remember: you control format, Jim, it doesn't control you.  Write what you see in your head.  If it's an intense scene, write it so it reads as intense.  If you're trying to be funny, the script itself should be funny.  Every word you choose defines how your script feels, not just the lines coming out of characters' mouths.

Thank you Erica.  Great suggestions.  I look forward to more feedback with the re-write, if you'd again be so kind.

Best regards,
Jim Waterous

Thank you, Eldave1.  Truly appreciate the hints, suggestions and especially, the links.  I will definitely check them out.  

I honestly thought that I had done a fair bit of homework, but you can never learn too much.  I'm most grateful for the candor, from yourself and all the others.  Criticism that is direct and to the point is not only very useful, it also saves a lot of time.

On a personal note - as previously mentioned - I truly enjoyed The Last Statesman.  I look forward to reading some of your other works, not only as homework in itself, but also for the entertainment value.

Thanks again,
Jim Waterous

For those of you who read the Discussion Board first, I'm pleased to re-submit my recent upgrade of Frozen Blue - Pilot.

Based on the advice of DS, I used the Trelby scriptwriting software, which I thoroughly enjoyed working with.  However, when it came time to submit the script to Simply Scripts, it needed to be converted to a PDF file.  That's where the fun started!  After downloading a PDF conversion software program and doing the conversion from Trelby, it required some serious editing! Thanks to webmaster Don's patience, I've resent a revised PDF conversion.  In the process between my computer and the website, you will see some margin issues and pages that carry over in mid-dialogue, which I was sure were alleviated before the re-submission.  

Please bare these issues in mind, as you peruse this submission.  Many of you provided me with great insight and critique, which was very much appreciated.  I hope you find this submission to reflect the advice I was given.  

As previously mentioned, I would be most grateful for any and all comments.

Best regards,
Jim Waterous

Trelby should convert to .pdf for you without the need of a third party program. I have Trelby, but I've never used it to write a whole script. I'll start the program and see whagwaan.

OK, it seems simple enough. Click the tab that says print to .pdf, then when that screen comes up, click 'FILE', scroll down to SAVE  and then select the location you wish to save it to. Click save and a .pdf of your work will appear in the location you asked it to.

In my opinion - a better effort than the original. A caution here: I am not familiar with the differences between writing a script for a TV series vs a Film. So, there may be some errors in the comments:

Quoted Text EXT. BRONX - DAY

This will be true of all scene headings - look for the opportunity to provide more detail. In this example - no information on where we actually are (Bronx is a pretty big area). You can go with more detail. e.g.,

EXT. DOWNTOWN BRONX/ALLEY WAY - DAY

Doesn't have to be specifically that - but I'm sure you get the picture. Look for chances to put relevant detail in your scene headings and then you don't have to repeat them in the description.

Quoted Text A young NYPD Officer is in foot pursuit of a tall, teenaged Peurto Rican BOY through rundown alleys. Effortlessly, the COP tackles the boy, cuffs him and stands him upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted wooden fence.

The action is fine - but there are some issues. First - active voice vs, passive voice. Rather than:

"A young NYPD Officer is in foot pursuit"

Go with:

A young NYPD OFFICE pursues ......

I would also go with the character indemnification first - you call your guy both a NYPD officer and later a COP. Go with one or the other. e.g.,

A young COP pursues a tall, teenaged Peurto Rican
BOY through rundown alleys. He tackles the boy, cuffs him and
stands him upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted
wooden fence.

Quoted Text COP The one that 4 people saw you take after you punched her in the head and knocked her over.

I think 4 should be spelled out.

Quoted Text BOY I don't know what you’re talkin' 'bout. I didn't steal nothin'!

Why the quotation marks (') - you do this in several places in the script.

Quoted Text As the cop starts turning around, the man pulls out a gun and shoots him in the side of the head. The cop drops to the ground. The boy - still in cuffs, squatting down and staying low - runs with the man as they fade out of sight.

In many cases where you have an "ing" action word - you can make an improvement by changing to active voice (i.e., character - action , rather than "Action-Character.)

The above would read better as:

As the Cop turns ....

Again - look for this throughout the script.

There are several areas where you tell us detail that should be demonstrated through exposition. e.g.,

Quoted Text Danny Flanny's is a Manhattan bar which has been a favourite haunt for many of New York's finest since 1974. It opened by Danny Flannigan, a retired cop who served in the NYPD for 28 years after he returned home as a decorated soldier from WWII. Still alive at 92, he's known for 14 occasionally stopping by for a shot of whisky with a pint of beer.

I notice a couple of instances where you - introduced a character in the middle of the dialogue (Douglass I think) and one or two where you didn't CAP them when you inroduced them (Jeannie I think).

Okay - that is enough for the nit stuff - just keep in mind that you have these problems throughout the script and they need to be fixed. The rest will focus on the story.

IMO, the general premise is a very one for a series.

I did not like the humor element at the Dignified Lab in the first act. It totally took me out of the story and did not seem genuine. Yeah, you could have had a few corpsicles jokes amongst the lower staff - but it went way over the top and IMO was the wrong tone. Don't get me wrong - humor is fine. I just don't think with this theme you want to get your laughs from jokes - I think you should get your chuckles from the smaller moments of a man adapting to life 50 years later - there will be a ton of chances there.

Just a random thought - you may want to consider moving the original 2015  and the present day story to 2065.

The news reports of O'Tooles revival came much too early in the story for me. I don't think it should really hit the press until after the Lab is certain that he is alive and well.

Why have O'Toole shot in the head?? Have him shot somewhere else - it forms a much more reasonable basis for recovery and might explain a little bit more why they picked him (e.g., would they really take a guy with a head wound as their first attempt at cryo?)

The Mitch awakening scene needs work - he gets back to okay dokay way too soon.

The dialogue regarding his daughter being a lesbian and his wife a nut job drunk is very forced (i.e., not natural) and absolutely not needed. Jim - this is going to be a series - you don't need to tell us everything about everyone out of the gate. Mitch doesn't need to find these things out about his daughter/wife right out of the cyro coma - let it percolate a bit an unravel in a more natural timeline.

Again - this was better. But you still need some work. And again - an excellent premise.

Hey Dave,

Thank you very much for the thorough feedback and suggestions.  They're all definitely worth consideration.

To answer your question about the ('s) throughout, they are meant to be apostrophes indicating contracted words, ie "talkin' 'bout", as slang instead of "talking about".  I was thinking that the slang would make the dialogue more realistic.

As for the comments about Mitch's quick turnaround from the cryo coma, I was wondering myself if that would fly, which was why I added the dialogue between the doctors about the "neurosurgeon's miracle".  That and the character traits of the wife and daughter being too early, are well taken.  I guess I was trying to cram as much as I could in the pilot to create intrigue about how Mitch will react.

Thanks again, Dave!
Jim Waterous

You are welcome - good luck with this

Hey Dustin,

Thanks for the tips with the Trelby PDF situation.  Don the webmaster, also made that suggestion to me.  Having Adobe as my system, it wouldn't let be follow those links without trying to sell me a new program.  I downloaded a free PDF conversion program, but I guess we get what we pay for!  There is another program that someone suggested to me that I will give a try, once I have fleshed out other issues.

Thanks again, though.
Jim Waterous

Hey Jim,

I'm writing mostly TV pilots/episodes myself so I was flying over yours. Your format is all wrong, really. This has never been written with Trelby, because I use Trelby myself and your indentation is all wrong. With Trelby your dialog blocks would have the correct indentations. Trelby also has an act break item, if you used it your TEASER wouldn't be all left of the page.

A couple more things:

* There is no such thing like
END OF SCENE, FADE OUT

in a screenplay. Either use FADE OUT as transition (then it's indented to the right border of the page) or leave it out completely.

* There's also no
JULY - PRESENT YEAR

centered on the page.

If this is meant to be a text you want to show, in Trelby you can use the Shot Item for this and write
SUPER: JULY - PRESENT YEAR

Some define shots to be written in italic caps (I'm one of them).

* On page 18 you write:

"
EXT. DIGNIFIED LAB -DAY

Establish location
"

Well, the location doesn't magically establish itself, it's your job to do so. Instead you can write something like

EXT. DIGNIFIED LAB - ESTABLISHING
followed by a 2-3 lines descriptive action block.

Establishing scenes are meant to be short introductionary scenes. A typical example is a panning shot over a city or some interesting place like time square (to indicate we are in N.Y.) for example. Not sure if this would work well for a lab.

* What are the underlined parts in the dialogs meant to be?

* text in parenthesis as addition to dialog is written in all non-capital letters, yours are all CAPS

Besides the format issues, you should also try to read a bit about TV script structure.
You can find a good idea of it here:

TV One Hour Drama Structure

or here:

Television Script Format

It is also common to use act breaks in a tv script, Trelby supports them and you should use them.

Good luck!

Hey ThorstonL,

Thank you for the advice and suggestions regarding the format issues, especially the links.

Regarding Trelby, I did, in fact use the program.  Admittedly, it would appear that I have more to learn as far as proper use of the software.  As I explained previously, I ran into some major snags converting to PDF format.  A couple of folks were very helpful in explaining how to do that.  However, it seems that with my Adobe program, I couldn't follow the advised procedures without having to purchase additional software.  Being the cheap Bastard that I am, I found a free program on line to do the conversion.  Again, as previously mentioned, I guess we get what we pay for.  I had to manually reset the margins, after everything was thrown all out of whack.  Another problem I had with Trelby was finding an Underline feature.  It would appear that I wasn't the only one with that problem, as there were others who made blog postings of that concern on the Trelby website.  When the PDF Conversion changed it from Trelby to a Word document, I was able to underline key words in the Dialogue, which brings me to your question about exactly that.  From reading other advice authorities such as Dr. Format, it was suggested that key words, or words that need to be emphasized should be underlined not upper cased or italicized.

Thank you again, and please keep the comments coming.

Jim Waterous

Hey Jim,

you don't need any extra tool to convert to PDF, in Trelby just click File->Print(via PDF).
About underlining key words, I've never seen any script which does that.