SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 11th, 2020, 9:45am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Writer's Tournament is on!

Round 5 scripts are up!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Cause & Effect Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Cause & Effect  (currently 1735 views)
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 7:07pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Cause & Effect by Hunter Vogt - Series, Comedy-Drama - An impulsive young man returns home after running away from his problems months ago by moving across the country. 31 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: November 11th, 2016, 11:06am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
Hey Hunter!

here goes -

In the teaser, I like that you've established Mark as a little too eager to tell his story. There's some parts here and there are still a little too expositional. I'm sure you'll see them.

The Passenger has enough lines that he/she needs a name. We don't even know if it's a girl or guy.

Pg 14 - "MARK: Hey Adam, it's Mark.  I think I know what to about this whole Zoe situation.". should be "what to do" .

Pg 25/26 - "Mark: It's a long story. Wanna hear it?" is a great line.

Pg 26 - "Zoe: No, Mark.  This is like some rom-com grand gesture.  This is notsomething that friends just do. And do I seem like a rom-com typeof girl, anyway?" . I get that this a call back to the previous joke, but it's too similar and it doesn't work. Something like "No this is insane" (or you know, better) would work.


Ok, so I quite liked that. Your dialogue, for the most part, is snappy and works well. Mark is an interesting character. Some of the "talking to himself" is a little on the nose but I get what you're doing.

A problem here is a lack of real hook. You could have a really great show if there was just something to make us invest in the relatively mundane story of this dude's homecoming.

I'll keep going, but that's most of my thoughts.

Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Female Gaze
Posted: November 11th, 2016, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts Per Day
Sheeesh! Guy if for nothing else I admire that you can just churn these out left and right....I will read and give notes presently.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
Posted: November 11th, 2016, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day

Thank you for your feedback! I will get to your script soon, probably tomorrow, but perhaps tonight.

The teaser is the part of the script I really have come back to and worked on the most, because it is tricky to get what I am trhying to get in there and keep the passenger realistic, plus not making the scene too blatantly expositional. I will definitely name the passenger.

I'm glad you like the long story line, it's probably one of my favorite lines in this script as well. And I will fix that Zoe line. That scene was one of the ones I was more worried about feeling awkward.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the dialogue and the character of Mark. He's an interesting one for sure. And the talking to himself is one of my traits that I gave him as well. I'll try to work on a hook as well.


Yeah, I worked on this one between drafts of Back to Class. Those are my two scripts that probably have the most focus, but I have a few that I have written recently because I want to write a few pilots that are different from each other.

I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006