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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Cause & Effect Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cause & Effect by Hunter Vogt - Series, Comedy-Drama - An impulsive young man returns home after running away from his problems months ago by moving across the country. 31 pages - pdf, format


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AlsoBen
Posted: November 11th, 2016, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Hunter!

here goes -

In the teaser, I like that you've established Mark as a little too eager to tell his story. There's some parts here and there are still a little too expositional. I'm sure you'll see them.

The Passenger has enough lines that he/she needs a name. We don't even know if it's a girl or guy.

Pg 14 - "MARK: Hey Adam, it's Mark.  I think I know what to about this whole Zoe situation.". should be "what to do" .

Pg 25/26 - "Mark: It's a long story. Wanna hear it?" is a great line.

Pg 26 - "Zoe: No, Mark.  This is like some rom-com grand gesture.  This is notsomething that friends just do. And do I seem like a rom-com typeof girl, anyway?" . I get that this a call back to the previous joke, but it's too similar and it doesn't work. Something like "No this is insane" (or you know, better) would work.

****

Ok, so I quite liked that. Your dialogue, for the most part, is snappy and works well. Mark is an interesting character. Some of the "talking to himself" is a little on the nose but I get what you're doing.

A problem here is a lack of real hook. You could have a really great show if there was just something to make us invest in the relatively mundane story of this dude's homecoming.

I'll keep going, but that's most of my thoughts.


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Female Gaze
Posted: November 11th, 2016, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Sheeesh! Guy if for nothing else I admire that you can just churn these out left and right....I will read and give notes presently.
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Hunter
Posted: November 11th, 2016, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Ben,

Thank you for your feedback! I will get to your script soon, probably tomorrow, but perhaps tonight.

The teaser is the part of the script I really have come back to and worked on the most, because it is tricky to get what I am trhying to get in there and keep the passenger realistic, plus not making the scene too blatantly expositional. I will definitely name the passenger.

I'm glad you like the long story line, it's probably one of my favorite lines in this script as well. And I will fix that Zoe line. That scene was one of the ones I was more worried about feeling awkward.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the dialogue and the character of Mark. He's an interesting one for sure. And the talking to himself is one of my traits that I gave him as well. I'll try to work on a hook as well.


Ashlie,

Yeah, I worked on this one between drafts of Back to Class. Those are my two scripts that probably have the most focus, but I have a few that I have written recently because I want to write a few pilots that are different from each other.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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