Quoted from Helio "He puts his sandwich flat on the table, pick up the iron and begins pressing it down on the sandwich - The sandwich sizzles as it cooks."

Sing A Song of Six Pants?

Wes and Jimbo,

Thanks for the feedback.  When I first submitted this way back when, I wasn't sure how most people would react to it, since a lot of what I write tends to be on the comical side.  I guess even this has it's moments in dialogue, despite the subject matter.

Anyway, thanks for looking it over, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Helio,

Yeah, this was written while I was still learning how to chop up descriptions, so some of them are a bit chunky.


Mullinjean is Italian for eggplant, and is a racial slur for a black person.

Ok, I think this is the first time I've posted, saying what something meant in a foreign language, and was actually serious.  


Thanks for the reads guys.

I thought it flowed quite well. However, I thought Lenny went from being a pot smoker, who wanted to steer clear of anything heavy, to an accessory to murder a little too easily. He could have helped "off" Duane, but only if his hand was forced. Perhaps he could walk in while Franco and Duanne are grappling on the floor and then somehow be put in a kill or be killed situation. I also think Virgil the middle aged Crime Boss with his two henchmen was a bit of a stereotype. I think you need to think outside the square a bit more for him. Perhaps he could be a 14 y/o kid, flanked by henchmen and he could be one of the big dealer's lieutenants. It could be like "City of God" American style. Anyway, it's a good start, but I'm sure you could make it even better. Good luck.  

Wow! Nice work, Mike.

From the logline, I was expecting some kind of stoner comedy or something but it turned out to be a pretty serious crime drama. There were a few amusing moments (Duane ironing his sandwich for one) but for the most part, it felt pretty straightforward. There was some good substance in this as well. A drug dealer trying to get out of the business was a concept that really intrigued me.

A few things...

1. pg. 2 - A minor spelling error. "Good samaritan but." I think you mean "bit."

2. Does Virgil really need to tell Tony and Casmir to punch Franco in the face? I think it'd work better if he simply said their names and, in turn, have them know exactly what to do.

3. Franco's a tad passive during some instances of his interrogation. For the most part, his dialogue is good but there're a few "yeahs" and "whats" that could be expanded into actual lines. I think that'd enhance the scene a little more.

4. Can a bottle of that hot sauce really kill someone? This is more of a question than a suggestion for improvement. Really. I've never heard of this before.

All in all, one of the best shorts I've read on here. Seriously. I was reminded of True Romance a few times (especially since one of the characters was named Virgil) but, for the most part, you made it your own. Good job.

James,

Thanks for the read and the feedback.

Yes, there are certain hot sauces that could completely burn a person's insides out or cause them to go into cardiac arrest should they not use them properly.  Kinda messed up isnt it?

Hey, it's a study in how many ways we can make people suffer, but it's kind of fun. The plot is decent and clever with a neat little twist even, so you constructed that just fine. I don't even think you have any holes in it anywhere that I noticed reading it through once. The dialogue's harsh, but it fits the characters pretty well, and you've even got your characters each talking a bit different. You definitely know what you're doing in the dialogue department.

The characters are the big downfall here. You do a decent job of constructing them, but when it comes to actually caring, their situations are not ones that warrant much concern. Most of the flinch moments are just human nature as opposed to concern for the character. Even with Duane getting his last fix, we're kind of like, "That sucks" but that's really it. Franco is probably the best of them all because he is thinking outside the boundaries of the story. He is looking forward to a future that we won't see, but since it is a nobler future than he has now, we want him to have it. This gives him a sympathy card since we would want him out of the unfortunate situation. Duane comes close, but really Virgil does the thinking for him. The others are 2-D cardboard cutouts with only stereotypes in their characterization.

You've got a good plot and some good dialogue. With a little more rounding in the character department, this could bump up a notch in quality.

Hey Mike, this was pretty cool.

First you need to capitalize your character's when they are introduced, but I'm pretty sure you know that.

Second, when you do heroin you need a spoon and a lighter or bunsen burner, something to liquefy it.

third, Lenny says he doesn't wanna do heroin cause he hates needles, I think most drug users know that you can also lace a joint with it, no needles needed(don't ask me how I know that).

Fourth, I don't know who refers to pot as "the smoke"

Fifth, you seem to capitalize people in the Dialogue.

Sixth, I love the cheese sandwich bit

seventh,

                                                    "VIRGIL
I’m not talkin’ about that gangster shit.  I’m talking about real, honest to goodness music."

That line didn't work, sounded kinda off.  Then it went into the pulp fiction thing about the Beatles and Elvis, maybe a different comparaison would work better.

Eighth, I loved the burning crucifix part.

ninth, I didn't get the ed Norton sewer line, is that from the honeymooners or the actor?

Tenth

                                                 LENNY
See?  I told you.  Scarface.  You got the dead guy, the O-D’ed guy, and whatever the fuck happened to you.  All you need is some crazy Italian guy with coke all over his face and somebody in the shower with a chainsaw stuck in their fuckin’ head.

I think they were Cuban, or at least Latinos, I know they weren't Italian.

i did really like this though, I dunno if this is something you plan on re writing or not, I think it has potential, just needs to be tightened up a little.

I did like Franco, maybe if you made him a bit more darker, I think it would work better.

The dialogue has the Mike Shelton touch.  Most of it was very good other than the area's I mentioned.

Good job

Mike

I read your script this morning and wondered why you haven't written a new draft on this as there are a lot of good things going on in here.

It’s actually a decent story, there is a setup, a mentor/helper, an antagonist and a protagonist. There's also a decent ending.

Other reviewers are right dialogue is your strong point but I'd prefer to see you write your dialogue without the 'ya's" in there and such. I can what you're aiming for but it doesn't work for me. I prefer reading dialogue written the regular way and my mind usually fits the dialogue to the described character anyway. Just something to try when you perform a re-write on this.

Other reviewers are correct, I feel no sympathy for any of the characters and I feel there is no through-lines or ambitions for a future beyond this story. If you can conceive a future for your characters when the story ends then at least you can write with this in mind. Sure two of the characters die but the characters themselves weren't to know that and I bet they had ambitions even if this was only their next score. We all know what a backstory is and we all try and give our characters a backstory but if you can give them a future story of where they intend on going after the story ends then this will give you some meat to put on the bones for those characters so they have a goal. The main goal is Franco wants to get out of the low-end drug-dealing business so you should use that more as a through-line for his character. This is his complete motivation and should also be in his dialogue when interacting with all the other characters he speaks to. This can even be the conflict between the other characters who either doubt his intensions or can imply he is going to fail. The whole story hinges on this through-line..

So for example, Franco acquires the stash of drugs and hopes to make one last series of deals but in the process make a ton of money so he can get out of the business and move away. Unbeknown to him it doesn't work out this way because he's ratted out by a low-life addict and the dealer higher up the rung comes visiting and decides to punish him for ripping him off. Everything plays out as before but at the end, rather than leaving with all the money he expected to make selling the drugs, he only makes it out with his life. This is the reversal, he doesn't get the money to make a new life, he gets his life and any new start is up to him from this point on.

I'd like to see your descriptions of action broken up into more manageable lines which would communicate shots. As it stands the action is all bunched together and this is confusing and spoils the read in my opinion.

You could also work on your descriptions some more, be a little more creative like you are with your dialogue. Some of your descriptions come across as throw-away or forced just to have some text in there. Have fun with it, enjoy writing the descriptions as much as you do with the dialogue because you are describing how your characters act and react in these scenarios you've set them in. The idea is to paint pictures using words so these illuminate for us the reader.. I think you can do a lot better..

I'd like to see this script written in a proper script formatting software package I'm sure it would look and read that much better. As it stands in a Microsoft Word document it doesn't do this script any justice.

Another problem nobody has mentioned in their reviews is you only have three scenes in this script and this makes the script a little static for me. You could find solutions to this by cutting between rooms. The Studio Apartment and Kitchen are a good example but you could also cut inside the hallway which would give you another location for a scene. I'd like to see how you expand on this to break up the scenes a bit more so as to provide movement and pace to the proceedings at the moment your script reads like a stage play. The more cross-cutting you put in your script with additional scenes set away from the apartment the more like a film it will look. This is my opinion anyway.

There's a lot going for this script and if this was your first draft then its pretty good. I'd like to see you develop this script some more. Go further with it, develop your characters more, improve your dialogue, think about through-lines and how these affect action and dialogue, the narrative and any subplots. I'd also like to see more scenes cross-cut between each other to provide more movement within the piece. I'd also like to see how you thread the through-lines to the plot, how this would be reflected in the reversal and the actual end. You're nearly there and with a little work this script could be top notch..

One last thing, I'd remove any reference to other movies as this doesn’t work in your script. Instead, try and find your own stuff for the dialogue. You don't have to stray away from your current ideas because these are great. There is some great black humor in this piece, in fact this is the beauty of this script. With a little more work you can craft a damn good script here Something to be really proud of..

Love to read your next draft if you decide to continue with this...

Kevan

Hey Guys,

Thanks for the reads.  I'll go into a more detailed response later in the day when I have time, but I figured I'd respond just a little for now.

Jordan,

A lot of the technical probs have been fixed in subsequent drafts, such as the names being capitalized and what not.

Kevan,

No new draft posted because this has since been filmed and is currently in post.  There were some revisions done, but I sent them straight to the filmmaker.

Hey, Mike,

   It's probably been awhile since you've even thought about this story, and I see that you've had it filmed since you posted it, so I'll just tell you what I thought about the story.

   I'm kind of ticked off, because as I was reading it, I made a note in my head to mention that it slightly reminded me of True Romance, then I saw somebody else already commented on that.  It's not that it's like True Romance, it just has a few of the same nuances, (from the time you introduced him into the story, I pictured Gandolfini as Virgil).

   And I definately liked the burning iron against the flesh (you've pleased my gory side.)  Honestly, I think you could've gotten away with Duane cooking his sandwich even after Franco's flesh had already been burned onto the iron.  He was such a f*ck up, he probably would've forgotten or just not noticed it anyway.  Also, for the rest of the script, I couldn't get the image of Johnny Depp ironing grilled cheese sandwiches (the ending of 'Benny & Joon'), out of my head.

   Another enjoyable story.

   -Mark

Mark,

Thanks for the feedback.  Yeah, this one was filmed, but I'm yet to see the finished dvd.  May have to give him a call again soon.  I do know that he ended up changing the ending though in order to shorten it up, so I do have plans to fix some things up and go back to pitching it in the hopes that someone will stay closer to the script.

I do remember someone mentioning the True Romance comparison, and I didn't even think about it as I was writing it.  The only thing I had to go on was a guy being burnt with an iron (which did actually happen to someone) and I built the rest of the story around that.

Mike,
I know this has already been filmed but read it and thought I'd give you a little feedback.

I liked it. It was right up my alley. Nice tale about dark deeds and their consequences. I thought the exchange between Duane and Virgil was perfect. Loved it. The best part of the story. One thing I didn't like was the ending. I didn't think Duane deserved for anything good to happen to him. He was a drug dealer. Not much sympathy for a drug dealer... unless you give us something to be sympathetic about. I think if you would have set this up somehow. Give him a reason to deserve to have something good happen to him. As it is I wouldn't have minded if he were tortured killed.

Besides this point I thought the story, though simple, was played out well. Good job.

Joseph

Joe,

Thanks for the read.  It's always funny for me to pop open some of these older scripts and look at them, especially the way they're formatted (no title page, uploaded in word, chunky descriptions).

I agree that it's hard to sympathize with a thieving drug dealer, and the only thing I could com eup with was that he wanted to stop doing it, and that he has a little sense of religion (his cross, looking to the sky).

Like I said in my last post, I'm still yet to see a finished copy of this, and I think I'm officially pissed off.  Might be time for a phone call.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted Text the only thing I could com eup with was that he wanted to stop doing it, and that he has a little sense of religion (his cross, looking to the sky).

I saw that direction you were taking but it wasn't enough. The idea is there, I would just make his desire more apparent. He needs to be desperate enough to want to get out that he rolls over a drug boss.

You may have to whoop some arse to get your copy. Put it up on SS when you get it, if you can.

Ok, seeing as this is 34 pages long and knowing that Mike Shelton is a veteran, I will ignore spelling and format issues and completely and utterly focus on the story, characters and twists. I do wish you'd take the bother to convert it into a PDF file before submitting, it only takes a few mouse clicks. Hope you have a page turner here, Mike.

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't comment on it but I have to ask, Mike, why don't you have a title page?, action paragraphs aren't supposed to be longer than 5 lines, I think you know this, and when a character is introduced their name is supposed to be in upper case... Why haven't you done this? It was posted some time ago though, maybe you didn't know this back then...

I just read the first 9 pages. I'm hugely impressed with your writing. I read 9 pages without even noticing and I never got bored, it never felt rushed or forced, it read easier than most scripts on here. In fact, it DID read easier than the scripts I've read on here. You have real talent in this, must say. I'm intruiged to see what happens next.

[I will hand it to you though, your dialouge, although mostly good, doesn't flow as well as it could.]

HAH! An Elvis man or a Beatles man! You and me Mike, we have the same taste, I'm really enjoying this script. Great nod to the deleted Pulp Fiction scene.

By the way, I'm a Beatles man myself. What are you?

I'm currently on page 26 and I'm loving every single moment of it. This is exactly the genre I like to read, I like to watch in the movies and I like to write myself, I am definately going to check out more of your scripts, Mike. Your dialouge and characters is 100% fluid, I have nothing to complain about. It's like reading a Quentin Tarantino first draft screenplay. Heavenly.

Absolutely 100% pure gold man, trust me, it takes a lot to impress me like this and you've just done it, I loved the characters, the dialouge, the one room-setting, everything. Just magnifizent.

One question though, how do Franco and Lenny expect to explain to the police the quite obviously tortured and brutally murdered mr. Duane?