Hey Jordan.  I see plenty of people have already got you on the nitpick stuff, so I'll let all of that slide.

What I liked most about this one was that there was plenty of great wiseguy dialogue here.  You have a pretty good ear for it.  Stuff like:

"That's a nice fuckin' couch Mike, you got a good deal on that."

Those kind of mundane things that ring so true on the Sopranos -- you watch that show?  -- this sounds exactly like Christopher to me.

But then we get:    

"Goodness gracious! Guns!"

What the heck were you thinking with that one?

Anyways, while this one was a little short on comedy, I still enjoyed it for what it was.  The strengths of the story far outweighed its few weaknesses.

I'll also echo Thompson's thoughts that given your age, you are well above where you ought to be in terms of your writing.  Nice work.

Thank you Bert, I have never had a chance to see the soprano's cause I don't get HBO, but I have seen clips of it before and it looks like a cool show.  

The Goodness Gracious line, well, I just tried to think of the most pussy thing he could say, it was either that or "Holy Moly"  or "Good Golly"...lol, maybe none of those would have worked, I just wanted a far contrast between him and the gangsters, there was probably a better way to go about it though.  I was going for extremes in this movie, from stereotypes to violence, I just figured it would be more interesting to go to far than not far enough.

anyways, thanks again Bert

PS Bert:  I wanna read your alternate/original ending to paramour's, I know my sick twisted little mind would love it

Quoted from The boy who could fly PS Bert:  I wanna read your alternate/original ending to paramour's, I know my sick twisted little mind would love it

Yes please, Bert, me too...

Just send it me as an attachment via email..

Just to consider your formatting, structure, dialogue, plot and such.. Haha.. Lol!!!

Alright I see your cursing was picked at quite a bit. I found it slightly humorous how the F word rolled off of the gangsters tongues before just about every other noun. If someone curses a lot, it losses it's effect. That's what happened here. Maybe that was your intention.

I'm not really a fan of most bathroom humor and the same goes for this script.

That aside you had some whitty dialogue and I was just waiting for those gangsters to meet up with the people in the restraunt. I loved the reaction when the gun was drawn.
Theboywhocoudfly, nice work. Not what i would call my cup of tea but you wrote some very 'interesting' moments.

Thanks for the comments Tony, glad you read it

Opening needs a little more to get people's attention, (the gun shot was predictable) but from then on it was near terrific.

The dialogues, at times, was realistic (depsite the constant fucks) and the payoff was kind of unexpected.

The "joke" of the script was mildly funny, liek many have said, it got old fast.

**** out of *****

Thanks bigwoop for your comments and in taking the time in reading it.

I read this only, and frankly I loved it!

Nothing wrong with putting drama and comedy together! It works!

As for the ending, well done, you really had me fooled until the very end!

Would love to shoot this one!

Thanks for the read rpedo.  This was written for a one week writting exercise and there are a ton of typo's and a few other things I would have liked to have change, just didn't have the time, and I had to write something I wasn't used to, but for what it's worth it worked out ok.  Thanks again.

Hey Jordan, I don't know about other people here (I only read a few of the first posts about this script), but I liked reading this. There were a few parts where there was a lot of action and dialogue that I didn't know who was who for a little bit.

I thought it was funny because I laughed at some parts. I liked it when Thomas pooped in his pants and I liked the ending.

So basically, I liked this script.

Sean

Thanks for the read Sean.

Maybe I will write a sequel and have the gangsters come back from the dead and seek revenge on Thomas :O

Quoted from The boy who could fly Thanks for the read Sean. Maybe I will write a sequel and have the gangsters come back from the dead and seek revenge on Thomas :O

Now THAT I would read right away.  Heck, I might even film it! Though I wouldn't want to ruin a good script with bad filming...

Sean

It wasn't a bad read.

I know the dialogue is there for a reason, but I felt it like it was in my way through the script. So, even if it's colorful, I personally would trim it down.

whoa, this one got dug up from the grave.  Thanks for the read Garbagemen, this was for the first OWC I did and this actually was just filmed, I should be getting a copy of it pretty soon, i'm curious how it turned out.