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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Why is everyone always shooting at me? Moderators: bert
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  Author    Why is everyone always shooting at me?  (currently 2321 views)
George Willson
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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I dunno. I read it and I shrugged. It was one page long without much of a punchline or comedy in it. I understood what you were trying to do, but it just didn't work.


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Abe from LA
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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OK, so it's no Bull's Eye.
One and done.
Must have been a quick sit on the john.
It felt rushed and the punchline was MIA.
The funniest thing would be if this wasn't written by Helio.
Anyway, a couple of ways to make this a tad better might be at the end of the story, to have the glass door with the doctor's name be riddled with bullet holes.
Or maybe, we see another sign that indicates the doc is an NRA member.  Or we a rifle in his office.  Or who the heck knows.  Just shoot me.
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Takeshi
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if I laughed with it or at it, but I laughed. I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say I laughed with it. Yeah, it was funny. 6/10.

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dogglebe
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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I would stretch this out a bit more.  Make the patient seem more obsessed with guns.  There would be a better payoff this way.


Phil
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Kevan
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Helio

I just knew this was you, you nut!

Well done man, I actually laughed reading this..


Kevan
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Helio
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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HOW?!
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tomson
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Helio dear, I love you!

Your stories can be spotted 2.3 miles away.

I loved Kassius Play!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Helio, my dear friend, like Tomson, I love you. I recognized you instantly. Thatís actually a very good sign. You have a very distinct style. I look forward to the day some new young hot shot writer is accused of trying to imitate Helio J. Cordeiro.  



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Helio
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey, guys thanks a lot for you imput!!!
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spencerforhire
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Helio

Good job for a short short. I do agree with others that you could rethink this little gem and make it sizzle. Stretch it out and it will really hit the bullseye.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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Yoda
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Funny read, this is. It isn't great, but it isn't horrible either. I usually hate reading scripts of this length. I wasn't looking forward to this, but hey. It gave me a laugh, I'll search the boards for more of your work.
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Kotton
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still SCREAMING!

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Quoted from Yoda
Funny read, this is. It isn't great, but it isn't horrible either. I usually hate reading scripts of this length. I wasn't looking forward to this, but hey. It gave me a laugh, I'll search the boards for more of your work.


Helio is one of our most prolific writers here. Check his stuff out. I've pretty much enjoyed everything even though he has to work through the language differences. His stories are twisted but with heart.

EDIT: This was one of the one week exercise scripts so that is why it is not polished more than likely.

-Kotton



A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Kotton  -  August 23rd, 2006, 8:51pm
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God of Thunder
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

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Um...... It was one page. One page with a great pun at the end. I didn't really get to into the sotry being the shortness but I liked the pun and i think it had potentional if you work out a great plot. The character has amazing potentional. Spelling error at end:

The door sing (should be sign) reads.......

But all and all 3 out of 10 stars being the shortness and oddness of being that short. Ha


My Scripts:
The Threat (Action/Drama) (Short)

COMING SOON!!!

Charlie Spotted (Action)
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Helio
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey guys, I'll take just 1 minute of your attention...well, no, no, I prefere to be short here and just to say...  Thank you all!
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