thanks for the feedback guys - much appreciated.

“WARNING: Not for the faint of heart.” Your logline reads almost like a challenge. Of course, I had to check this out.

This was a very engaging read. Format seems to be in ship shape for the most part. I could tell almost instantly that the conversation between the two was going to lead to no good. The pacing made the story even more enticing. The conversation escalates slowly but steadily, each additional line seeming to up the ante. The ending was somewhat shocking as well. I didn’t expect Sara to own up to sleeping with Greg. The story then takes an even more bizarre turn when the two start kissing and going at each other but then back on track (but still shocking) when Matt kills Sara. Crime of passion, indeed. The ending feels somewhat overblown and anticlimactic however. I think it’d work better if the script ended with Matt giving Sara a final kiss and stuffing her in the trunk. Other than that, this was a pretty good read for me. Good job.

Quoted from James McClung The ending feels somewhat overblown and anticlimactic however. I think it’d work better if the script ended with Matt giving Sara a final kiss and stuffing her in the trunk. Other than that, this was a pretty good read for me. Good job.

thats funny. that's almost the exact original ending i had for the story. maybe ill go back and put that in

Not a bad little short. I've read the prior comments on this one to make sure I don't duplicate. I don't really have a problem with your single word headings because they kind of function as secondary headings. I think as a short, it works fine, not requiring much beyond the core story you have here with nothing much left out. Obviously your guy is a little (or rather, a lot) insecure about his relationship with this girl, and she's too permiscuous for her own good.

I will hand you that the end is a bit shocking. I figured he'd kill her. That was obvious, but I didn't see the bit leading up to the kill. Definitely a primal rage going on there.

I would say the script for a short is fine, and you just need to keep writing to continue to improve your skills.

thanks george.

this feedback has been awesome. overall i feel pretty good. these comments have inspired a few other ideas for shorts. hopefully it wont take me too long to pump them out.

i read your script and thought it was great..
hope to read sum more of your work soon

A twist is missing (ie. Matt comes back home and Sara's female coworker calls to tell Sara she forgot her files at the meeting after the party)

Anyway, you could have gone further into squalor. I have some slight idea, but I don't know if you still care.

Good dialogs, interesting plot, but IMHO, ending missed.

Michel

this is one effed up script. It's alot like my Planning to Kill, just more graphic. Your format was slightly off, but it's nothing you can't fix. I hope you are doing a re-write to work out some of the minor kinks. Good luck. 6 out of 10

i did a rewrite of this a while back..... i finally got around to submitting it...

didnt add anything to it... just cleaned up the format and fixed the errors

The rewrite is FINALLY available!

for those of you who read this before...nothing new was added... i just cleaned up some of the dialogue and format and fixed as many mistakes as i could find. it's also a PDF format now.

Quoted from tomson Later they fight and it turns into a rape/murder. Here's a problem with your descriptions of Matt and Sara again, the problem is Sara's size. You told us she's 6'1". That's big! Have you ever wrestled with a woman that size or carried a dead body that size?

I have.

Several times.

And I have the receipts to prove it.

Strong, fast dialogue is the strongsuit of this short.  The story, however, is pretty weak.  It all seemed to go well until Sara admits her affair.  Then it just goes to hell.  Everything was rushed.  It was as if you wanted to write an eleven page script and, when you got to ten pages, you realized you had to wrap everything up quickly.


Phil

Thanks for the read Phil. glad you felt the dialogue was strong..that's always been a troublespot for me.

as far as your criticism of it being rushed... it's pretty much on paper how i envisioned it in my head... not really sure where else i would go with it...maybe stretch it out a little more after the reveal? pace it better up to the kill?

something i noticed when i write these shorts is trying to figure out how to fit character backstory into it without disrupting the pace. i wrote out a short releationship history with these characters before i started the script - i could just never find a good way to slip it in there... without throwing it all off.  

i think i pulled it off with "Leech" my next short i'l be submit - probably after the OWC

This was a pretty good short i found it well paced and i thought the dialogue was very good and sounded natural which can be a very tough thing to pull off at times.

I do agree with the others who said it had a kinda weak ending i mean i didnt think it was bad but it just wasnt memorable at all, i think the suggestion of a twist like when he gets home a co-worker calls and verifys her initial story would have been a much better ending.

But overall a good script i just found it forgettable for some reason.

CONTAINS SPOILERS

This was a pretty interesting script, even though this isn't really anything new to me since I've had sex like this once before.

Luckily, that huge bitch didn't kill me when she threw me off the bridge.  BA RUM BUM BUM!

Anyway, I'll echo the previous comments and say that I think the dialogue was pretty well done.  Both characters had their own way of speaking, and you articulated the jealous boyfriend and the girl who's hiding something (possibly) quite well.

The ending is a little abrupt, but what can you do really?  Add in a scene with him driving to where he's going to dump the body?  Could be interesting, but probably a little unnecessary.

Anyway, nice work.

Hey SwapJack,

I tried to open the pdf file, but it says that the file is damaged.

Gabe