Abe,

I hope you did not misunderstand me.
I did not at all mean that your story telling was bad, no way.
The Action (description) and dialogue were exceptional.
All I meant was that the story itself was just less than that, but still top notch.

A shotgun blast of stars, huh?  That's pretty good.  Too bad it would be stealing haha.

[SPOILER DISCUSSION]

So this is all part of Rudy's psychosis??  Boy -- I sure didn't get that from it, Abe.  I would be less than honest with you if I didn't tell you that wasn't coming through.

But I buzzed through the script again and spotted a few clues -- but only when I was looking for them -- some of the things you already mentioned -- and also Dawn's slit throat at the end matching up with the radio report that starts us off.

Part of your problem -- I think, anyways -- might be that the storyline works so well as a straighforward story that nobody is looking for anything else.  Does that make sense?  You might need to "weird" this up a bit -- in terms of the structure or the timeline -- to tip the reader off to the fact that there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Perhaps make Rudy less flirty -- or whatever it is that he is doing.  He shouldn't be hitting on Dawn -- he should be frightened of Dawn -- but we don't know why.  We only sense a dark tension between these two.  They shouldn't be friends -- not that they are now -- but even less so, perhaps.

And the slit throat at the end -- the clearest connection I found to the true story you were trying to tell -- should be played up a bit more.  Instead of the "Queen Vampire" image, why not play up the murder victim angle.  A pale corpse with the slashed throat and partial nudity described to us by the radio announcer.

Another opportunity for clarification might be the ending -- as right now it is so darn ambiguous.  Who is getting out of this car?  Cops?  Vampire Cops?  His psychiatrist?  Whoever it is, it should serve to drive home for us what is really going on in Rudy's mind.

Or -- another option -- is to abandon the "crazy" angle and go with the straighforward story that most of us seem to have enjoyed just fine.  Fine tune the story you've got instead of going for the big overhaul.  Just tossing that option out there.

It is still great work, Abe -- even if nobody quite got what you wanted them to.

PS:  I love the Nightstalker.  I wonder how many people here remember him?  

Quoted from bert PS:  I love the Nightstalker.  I wonder how many people here remember him?

I don't "remember" Nightstalker so much as sometimes watch him on my Scream digital channel. It plays on the weekends, pure 70's cheese.

Thanks, Bert, for your additional comments.
Yeah, I can see that to present the story as I had intended would be a serious undertaking.
For now, I guess I would be better off trying to clean up the straight-forward story and worry about the psychological angle later.

The Night Stalker series was one that I had hoped nobody would touch -- I read there is a feature in the works.  This is/was the story that I wanted most to redux.  Oh well.
NS was something of a precursor to the X-Files, I think.

My second story to remake would be Day of the Triffids. The Brits, of course, have redone it for BBC.  I believe the British version was much truer to John Wyndham's novel. LOL, right.

Quoted from Abe from LA My second story to remake would be Day of the Triffids. The Brits, of course, have redone it for BBC.  I believe the British version was much truer to John Wyndham's novel. LOL, right.

Growing up in Scotland, I remember Day of the Triffids fondly. That and the Doctor Who movies\TV series. Ahh, the memories.

Sorry for taking this off topic.

Back to Neck Of The Woods - Abe, can't wait to read a polished version, as I still believe you have the backbone to an interesting and successful tale.

Stewart

Quoted from Abe from LA I find it interesting that the vampire story line didn't cut it for you. And neither the line about the cut tooth..

I don’t have anything against vampires. I think a lot of times they just come off as too fantastic to really be believable. In the context or your story, which as you explain it is quite different from anything I had imagined, it seems to be more plausible.

The cut tooth thing, I just didn’t get. The moon hangs like a cut tooth? I missed it. Sometimes things just go by me, I guess. I still don’t get it -- haha!

Quoted from Abe from LA My second story to remake would be Day of the Triffids. The Brits, of course, have redone it for BBC.  I believe the British version was much truer to John Wyndham's novel.

I love The Day of the Triffids! I really got hot when I saw Jeanette Scott fight a triffid that spits poison and kills -- haha!

Quoted from MacDuff Abe, can't wait to read a polished version, as I still believe you have the backbone to an interesting and successful tale.

Thanks for your support, MacDuff.
I probably won't post a rewrite, but will continue to work on this short.
My next posted script will be another short involving outlaws on the lam and eeek - zombies.

Quoted from Breanne I don’t have anything against vampires. I think a lot of times they just come off as too fantastic to really be believable.

I know what you mean.  Although vampires always pique my curiosity, I haven't seen many in film that make me go "Wow."  In some ways, that is the challenge for me.  How do I write a different kind of vampire story.

don't fret over the cut tooth thing.  I don't know know what the hey it means either.  It just came out as I was writing.  HaHa.
Like I said, I've got to keep a check on my metaphors and similes and stuff. lol.

"I like your writing style, Abe. Short and dry sentences, but not too dry; some ?novelish? spice here and there. You?re very clever in choosing the right words for your descriptions, but sometimes you focus on this a little too much, and drags the reader away from the story (i.e. ?--Speak of the devil--?)."

I 'll use Mr Z as if were my words.

I think if it was short maybe 20 pages long or less it could be very nice piece to shoot and read.

The dialogues between Dawn and Rudy some times were so great and inteligent.

congrats Gary!

Ps If I was you when I have reached 40 pages I continue until it reaching 120 pages.

Thank you for the read, Helio.
What you say rings with truth and I've thought about many different ways to approach the story.
I don't plan to go to 40 pages and definitely not 120.  After a certain point, the story dies.
Such is life.  Haha.
As you say, 20 pages puts it in the realm of shooting.  Sounds like a plan.
It's a great learning script for me.  I'm much wiser than I was a month ago...I think.

Hey Abe,

You want to hear something really, really wierd and a huge coincidence?  I couldn't help but smile (and shake my head) when I was reading 'Neck of the Woods'.

Two weekends ago, I went out to a bar with a friend of mine, and I ran into an ex-girlfriend of mine from high school, someone I haven't seen in ten years, a Romanian exchange student named Paula Ungureanu.  She just moved back here to Ohio a couple months ago.  We've gone out a couple times since then and are talking about getting into a relationship again.

So, anyway, that's who I pictured as Dawn.  (Paula's not as much of a bitch as Dawn, though.  At least, not yet.)

I also kind of figured that vampires would eventually come into the scenario with the name, Dragos Ungureanu.  (The name Dragos reminded me too much of Ioan Dragos, who was commissioned to negotiate with the leaders of the Transylvanian Romanian movement during the 1848-49 Revolution in Transylvania.)  (It's amazing how much you learn about a girl's culture when you start banging her.)

Anyhow, down to the story.

I loved how you built up the suspense between Rudy and Dawn and always have it so the two characters are never on the same side.  There's always a tension between them which drives the story along.

I do have to agree, with Breanne, I think it was, in that the story does get a little weak when the vampires arrive.  (Don't worry, I felt the same way about 'From Dusk Til Dawn', a brilliant and suspenseful movie that started to suck after Selma Hayek's striptease, when the vampires arrived.)

Back to 'Neck of the Woods'.  It's not that I don't like vampire movies, it just seemed that the story, including the dialogue, which had been top notch until page 30, began to run a little cheesy for my liking.

Quoted from Neck of the Woods DAWN:  Pretty dope, huh? He’s Lucifer’s prototype: the Nuclear-Age Vampire. A CarniVipe. Immune to sunshine, radiation, wooden stakes, poison gas, holy water, garlic cloves, silver bullets, kryptonite, whatever. And he obeys like a show dog. ... DAWN:  Yo, Professor. Let’s roll.

Dawn had never talked like that in the rest of the script.  Why is she starting to talk like a sixteen year-old now?  The dialogue was very strong until around that point.

Even the story itself is great the whole way through (Now that I've read your explanation that the vampires never existed and it's all in Rudy's head.)  I did kind of get the idea that this was all an elaborate thought of Rudy's, but I don't think by the end of the script, that idea wasn't beyond the shadow of a doubt validated.

Like I had said before, I loved the dialogue early on.  'Rudy: Where's your sense of adventure?    Dawn: In my wallet.' just became one of my favorite lines.  And there was also a great reference to Natural Born Killers, too.  I smiled wide at that.

One last thing that didn't make sense to me, though, was how Dawn, so strong-minded, arrogant, relentless, and tough when she was picked up by a twenty-something stranger with tattoos and needlemarks on his arm, started freaking out and acting like a coward all of a sudden when picking up a balding, sag-faced 50-something pasty bookworm type.  It just seemed out of her character.

Anyhow, I did find this really interesting and enjoyed reading it a lot.  I only browsed through some of the other people's comments and hope I brought something new or something you had never thought of that nobody else had mentioned.

If you could, pm me, or put in a reply, any other stories you've posted on here, as I'm now definately interested in reading those.

I'll see ya around.

- Mark

just read the script.  i've only glanced at other people's comments, but i think mine will be very similar to what other say (i guess my notes won't be enitirely helpful, but it could be good to know that multiple people are having similar thoughts).   obviously, you are very good at writing concise, vivid action.  your diaolgue is also very strong and funny and lends itself to strong characters (i already can see rosario dawson as dawn).  i breezed the first 30 pages of this and was really kept on edge, wondering what the hell was going to happen.  but then i was not thrilled when it turned in to a horror type piece.  personally, i don't care for the horror genre really and am much more interested in drama/thriller, which is what this felt like for me.  i really think you should turn this into a feature, only starting with the first thirty pages and then going from there.  like, did you see tarantino's death proof?  that had the long first part that took place in austin.  then it went to tennessee where it would almost, not repeat the events, but mirror them, only there was a change.  (looking back on my previous sentences about 'death proof', they probably don't make any sense, but i'm not deleting them in the small chance you understand what i'm saying).  anyway, back to your script.  another problem i had with the end was the whole time we're with dawn and rudy, but then at the end all these new characters (the vampires) emerge and because we reallly didn't know them, we don't care as much.  and it was such a huge shift in tone for me from suspense to horror.  your script did entertain me for most of the time, but what makes a film is the end, so i was left feeling somewhat unsatisfied.  again, i'm sure i repeated some stuff, but whatever        

Thanks for the read, dkw208 and Mark.
Mark, you know my comments, since I PMd you.

I understand what you are saying dkw.  A lot of people did not like the direction I took this story.
Most are OK with the thriller beginning.
I will have to consider how to keep the suspense going and redo the final act.
More often than not, I tend to favor horror.
That doesn't mean I'm good at writing horror, however.  In fact I've learned over the past year that I'm really not that good at writing hard action scenes -- fight scenes, humans vs. monsters, and such.  Oh well.
Suspense I like and can do with some zest.
"Neck" also could use some trimming and the religious aspects might be cumbersome, too.
I have seen "Death Proof" and I do admire Tarantino's work, so I will certainly give some thought to your suggestions.
I probably won't take this story to feature length. There are other stories that have more potential than this one.
Again, I appreciate the feedback and your reinforcing the need to keep this one pure suspense and less/no monsters. Ha.

There were things about this script I really liked and things about it that I didn’t.  

The writing was quite good throughout.  Short and crisp with some lovely prose thrown in for kicks.
The dialogue was top notch. Smart and sharp.
The story unfolded well and was clear.
The characterisations, for the most part, were very good.

But I think things kind of lost focus for a while in the middle.  And when they came back again a few of the surprises lost their effectiveness.  I also found myself fighting with this story a bit because a lot of the surprises were expected. We knew it was going to be a vampire and we knew there was going to be a serial killer and we knew it was going to be either Dawn or Rudy.  You managed to pull a couple more surprises off but you should of milked the ones that we expected a bit more.

I had some problem with Rudy. I stopped liking him when he started acting crazy.  I think that you need to keep him from being as crazy as he was if you want his surprise to be effective.  Make us really like him and think he’s the hero and then destroy that with the realisation when he is the serial killer.  We thought he was the killer in the beginning. You have to really make us believe he isn’t.  You do that but then he gets crazy immediately and you’ve ruined that wonderful safety we feel with him way before it needs to be ruined in the story.

I didn’t like that the vampire was the professor. I had a feeling it was going to be him at the beginning, so it wasn’t a surprise. I think if you want it to be him we need to meet the professor earlier.

I liked that Dawn was a vampire. I didn’t expect that even though you foreshadowed it.

I can’t figure out why they let him go - doesn’t make sense to me – but you managed to end it nicely.

So, overall I thought you did a good job with this, but I think you can make it even better.

My notes as I read:

pg 6. Refresh my memory - I thought this was a clumsy way for him to ask. He should just flat out ask why.
pg 7. Hey, I’m cool. Perfectly happy with my arrangement, thank you. I don't understand what he means by his arrangement in this context. It confused me.
pg 8 melody of crickets in the woods --
suddenly stop - Though crickets do stop when approached I doubt all the crickets in a forest would. Nice effect though.
pg 8. like the Wicked Witch of the fucking West - A bit too cute.
pg 11. the grunt was ok but the strain was too much.
pg 11. blow wind - I understand what you mean but this kind of has funny connotations that aren't really related.
pg 12. I've kind of at this point decided that Rudy is not a threat and may even be gay.
The first because he's convinced me he knows the professor and the second because he called her girlfriend. Not even metros call women girlfriend.  Entire shallow second reason but all I have to go on...And by the end of the page he has confused me.  I would really rework this page and reconsider the use of girlfriend. Or if your trying to make him go weird then I guess you succeeded.
pg 15. What if the professor is the serial killer? I thought of that ages ago.  Would be much better left as subtext or not verbalised so blatantly.  The sudden verbalising of it made me wince.
pg 21. I'm having a difficult time liking Rudy at this point. It's been this way for a couple of pages.
pg 22. Dawn looks like she has just witnessed a slaughter. - This reaction is not clear to me.
pg 30. crocadile/crocodile
pg 33. taught/taut
pg 33. For the love of God, kid, nobody else needs to die. - Too melodramatic for a cop except in older movies.
pg 33. I'm not really liking that it's the professor.
pg 34. I'm ok with Dawn being Queen Vampire. Not sure if you foreshadowed it though. Yeah, I guess you did with the Hepatitis comment.
pg 35. Not sure how I feel yet about the Rudy surprise.
pg 36. good research on the Romanian name.
pg 36. I thinking thought that there is a bit too much exposition around here.
pg 36. I don't really get why they left him alive.
pg 39. The back to real time works but I would rather have seen a SIX HOURS LATER and then a FLASHBACK.
pg 40. Nice Ending.

Thank you for the read, Michael.
Really an excellent breakdown of my script.

Quoted from mcornetto I had some problem with Rudy. I stopped liking him when he started acting crazy.

The periodic episodes of craziness were there so people wouldn't say later, "he was crazy?"  Why didn't show signs of craziness?"
Maybe it didn't work so well.  Now I have to wonder if a person who is delusional, sees himself as being sane -- consistently so?  

Quoted from mcornetto We thought he was the killer in the beginning. You have to really make us believe he isn’t.  You do that but then he gets crazy immediately and you’ve ruined that wonderful safety we feel with him way before it needs to be ruined in the story.

I think this is one of those situations, because it is a three-person story, which would not fool most readers.  If I present Rudy as the purest, sanest, most heroic character, some will see that as a sign that he will do a 180 and be the bad guy.  Still, I don't discount anything and your point is well taken.

Quoted from mcornetto I didn’t like that the vampire was the professor. I had a feeling it was going to be him at the beginning, so it wasn’t a surprise. I think if you want it to be him we need to meet the professor earlier.

This was a mixed-bag element.  He was not originally part of the earlier drafts.  More thought will go into whether the professor can work more effectively.

Quoted from mcornetto I can’t figure out why they let him go - doesn’t make sense to me – but you managed to end it nicely.

Hmm, does it work? Or does it not work?  Rudy survives because the vampires need a fall guy.  Somebody has to take the blame for the murders.  Killing him serves no purpose to the vampires.  They exist by not being obvious.  Rudy has brought attention to them and their resting grounds.  They want the authorities to nab this guy.
Rudy rationalizes that he is doing God's work and thus, cannot be harmed.  Because he survives, he believes that he is invincible.  

Quoted from mcornetto pg 7. Hey, I’m cool. Perfectly happy with my arrangement, thank you. I don't understand what he means by his arrangement in this context. It confused me.

Rudy's going along with this so-called job. He only means that he was quoted a certain sum of payment.

Quoted from mcornetto pg 12. I've kind of at this point decided that Rudy is not a threat and may even be gay. The first because he's convinced me he knows the professor and the second because he called her girlfriend. Not even metros call women girlfriend.  Entire shallow second reason but all I have to go on...And by the end of the page he has confused me.  I would really rework this page and reconsider the use of girlfriend. Or if your trying to make him go weird then I guess you succeeded.

Maybe Gay? Wow. Haha.  Not intended. His use of "girlfriend" was just there to act cocky.  To get under Dawn's skin.  He is feeling her out, psychologically.  You know, find out which buttons she doesn't want pushed.

Quoted from mcornetto pg 30. crocadile/crocodile pg 33. taught/taut

Ha. No spell check, no grammar check.  Busted!

Quoted from mcornetto pg 33. For the love of God, kid, nobody else needs to die. - Too melodramatic for a cop except in older movies.

Well, he's an old guy.  Probably likes old cop movies.  OK, OK, this was waaay over.  Point taken.

This is one of those stories that has a lot of pivotal points that make or break the story.  It wasn't intended to be this way, but you know how that goes.   It's way over-written and I infused the story with too much stuff -- religious junk -- that ultimately makes it overwritten, sag in spots and adds to a certain confusion.
Again Michael, I appreciate the read and your insightful comments.  As with any good critique, you have uncovered some nasty pitfalls, while opening my eyes to new possibilities.   You've got me thinking and that's good.

Abe

Quoted from Abe from LA Rudy survives because the vampires need a fall guy.  Somebody has to take the blame for the murders.  Killing him serves no purpose to the vampires.  They exist by not being obvious.  Rudy has brought attention to them and their resting grounds.  They want the authorities to nab this guy.

I actually got that the day after writing this, so it works.