Thanks, I'm working on the feature so everything will be explained. I took out the fade in/out's. When I re-read it it bothered me. lol

Any way talk to you all soon,
Dan

Hey Dan, I wanted to read some scripts 'cause I'm bored and stumped on mine. I read this and I thought it was an odd plot, but I liked the way you killed the people. Hehe, especially the thugs.

The dialogue kind of bothered me also, and the story kind of went too fast, but it was an okay script. A few mistakes, but nothing too bad. Anyways, good job.

Sean

Hey Sean,

I know what you mean about stumped lol.

I just wrote five new shorts and my ideas are fading away.

Thanks for the feedback and I'll check out some of your scripts soon,

Dan

[EDIT: Review removed because author doesn’t listen to suggestions from any readers and refuses to address obvious issues.]

Thank you english teacher from room 101!  lol

Thanks for the feedback I'll work on it.

Dan

Daniel –

I’m not sure I know what this story is about.  I know the clown goes on a killing spree to soothe his pain, but that’s not really a story.  The real story might be the kid who follows in the clown’s shoes, so to speak.

Anyway, on with the review.
I guess you’re taking care of the FADE IN and OUT problem.

I’m not seeing much in this story.  The birthday party, for example.  Nor, as I said previously,  am I getting a strong sense of story.
It’s kind of like telling a joke:  Did you hear the one about the sorry clown who  gets canned from a birthday gig because he made kids cry, but couldn’t make animal balloons, and so he goes berserk and kills people?

Sounds like a dark comedy?

Is Dave just a loser?  Or is he a drunkard, or maybe he's stoned when he f***** up at the party?  What’s behind his incompetence?

How about this.  On Page 1, let us know that this loser hits rock bottom.  Show us his humiliation.  Maybe he makes the “little kids” cry and so one of the dads grabs Dave by the collar and tosses him out of the house.  Maybe he lands on the lawn.  All the kids are staring at him through the window and howling with laughter.  Now that’s humiliation.

Maybe Dave gets canned from his clown job.  Maybe the bills are mounting and he’s about to be evicted.  Let this guy suffer and at least we’ll have sympathy for him.

When he kills his first victim, we’ll know that he was pushed to the edge.

I don’t quite get it.  Dave slams his hand into a mirror and gets this revelation… ?

Maybe he should be out for a walk, feeling sorry for himself, when he runs into this bum drinking whiskey.  Maybe the drunk provokes Dave,  and Dave just can’t take any more s***.  He loses it and kills the bum.  The feeling of this unpremeditated act is euphoric to him.  Ever see “Blue Steel”?  In that film, a businessman, Ron Silver, picks up a dropped gun at a crime scene.  He takes the gun home and is almost giddy with newfound power.  He goes out and starts killing people for the rush.

Same thing here.  It might work better if Dave stumbles across this power.  It overcomes him and the high he gets leads him to keep killing.

Now if this story is really about the kid who  carries out the clown murders, then introduce him sooner.  Maybe he’s a kid at the birthday party.  And maybe, we see the kid watching a video taped News Reports of the clown  murders, which he plays over and over and over…

We’ll know right away that this kid has an unnatural fascination with death or murder.
So when he continues the copycat murders by page 7, we have a clue where he’s coming from.

The the two middle-aged guys were murdered, well, that’s a bit overblown.  What you’re describing sounds like a cartoon, or some absurd comedy.  I’m not saying it can’t work, but just be aware of the reaction you are creating.

How about giving this clown a moniker?  You know, something crazy like the Balloon Killer or Balloon  Stalker.  Because aren’t balloons his motif?

Others have pointed out a lot of the problem dialogue or descriptions.
Breanne mentioned the passiveness of your action descriptions, so fix that.

And she also mentioned the trial.  Or should I say non-trial.  That won’t fly as is.
You can draw this trial out, or at least have Dave incarcerated, while the kid is out committing murders.  Or you can flash forward  a year, just so the judicial process doesn’t read like it was done in a day or two.

I think this story could work if you spin it in an interesting direction.  We need to know more of the psychological makeup of Dave and/or the kid.  Especially if you are going to turn this into a feature.  Otherwise, it will be just another tired script of some guy killing people cuz he’s crazy.

And I don’t like the Page One scene where all the kids seem to rush here and rush there, and the parents all speak in unison.  Are they not individuals?

Anyway, have you ever seen Ms. 45?  That film had a rather absurd story line, a mute girl gets raped twice in the same day or something, but it’s fascinating to watch her transform into a killing machine.

So, the premise might sound simple, but the characters should be complex and interesting.

Keep going and good luck.

Abe

Hey Abe,

I agree. In the feature it all gets explained. "Where and what causes Dave to snap and where does the kid fit into place.  I have a lot of thinking to do for this one. lol.

But not to worry, it all starts with an idea. Right?   See you all of the flip side.

Dan

Hi Daniel,

Nice story but as the others I think you need to dig it.

If I did undertsand the Clown's motivations, he kills 'cos he can't make people laugh.
Why could he draw a big smile on his victims with his knife?

Killing people without a glove is rather suicidal, isn't it?

Furthermore, I think that 25 years sentence is not much for 3 murders.

The twist at the end with the boy looks unbelievable to me.

Anyway, good job. Wait for the re-write


Michel

Hey Mike,

Good idea. I'm working on the re-write as of now and it's coming out way better than this.

Talk to you soon,

Dan