The Clown by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - When a Clown loses his job he goes on a killing spree just to make himself happy. Later on after he gets arrested a kid finds a green wig and a knife and takes over where the Clown left off.  I am still working on the feature to this. 7 pages - pdf, format

I believe you're the one I wrote reviews for and they all got taken down... "Go figure" Anyways... This script seems more polished than your others, but it still has its problems in it.

FADE IN:

FADE OUT:

It just looks sloppy the way you have it throughout your script. Do away with them all together. It's distracting when you're taking us into your movie and then back out of your movie and then back into your movie again.

SLOW DISSOLVE:  is one way you can make this all work. People bitch about it sometimes... but PORK' EM.

I just think the way you have it all is sloppy looking.  Maybe, if you want it like that so bad, toss the FADE OUT: on the opposite side of the page, like you do when you end the script. That might not look so bad.


Your dialogue in this one wasn't as bad as past attempts, it's getting better actually. I laughed  a few times in this one and not because of the absurdity of the dialogue, but because it was actually funny at a few turns.

The characters all kinda lacked depth, but that is to be expected when it's only 6 pages. I think the 1st clown thing/guy had the most going for him. Keep with his arc.

All in all, it's not great but you're getting better and better with each new script. I believe so anyways.

Pretty good. It's kind of an odd plot, but hey, anything with clowns in it scares the hell out of me. It was a little short, and it could probably be 10 or even 15 pages longer if you wanted. Good job.

Alanah~

Hey thanks guys.

I was working on a feature of this and deided to see how the short would be.

Yeah Baltis you have posted on my other ones.  

Clowns freak me out and I see them all as being evil. lol

Thanks again,
Dan

Dan

Good job. The only thing that I would like to say is take out the excessive fade in and fade out. And make your clown even more evil.

Spencer

One word, bizarre....

I hated the dialogue so much that i wanted to leap into the script and strangle that darn clown. "Howdy do. Would you like to have some fun?" A line which I want to put a bullet in.

You had a few spelling errors in small places.

The deaths were gruesome, and I like that. The two thugs dying was the best part for me. Muahahhaha.... His eyes pop out of his head. Awesome...

Your story is odd, the clown started killing people cause he couldn't please children? Is that what it was? I find that funny, yet kind of weird. You've got something good, if there was a backround of this clown, I'd have enjoyed this.

The ending wasn't satisfying. A little kid picks up a knife, and decides to kill the drunk guy. I find that hard to believe, but scripts are sometimes fictional.

Please work on this, and I'll read it again.



James Fields

I'll do that. I was think about calling the re-write Evil Smiles so Be on the look out for it after the fifhteenth.
Dan

Thanks James I'll put more effort into the background of the clown and the story might make more sense.

Dan

Your welcome. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed your script. There are just some holes that need to be filled in. Like the kid finding the wig and the knife, and deciding to kill the drunk.

Details, details, details.

I'll get it done... I got into this flow and decided to go with it. I re-read it and noticed that I didn't have the clown leave the wig behind so I have some more writing to do on this on.  I have a few more scripts coming out. One is called The Unforgiven, the other is The music.

Talk to you all soon,
Dan

Read this one,

I would have said : turn it into a feature, but you are already doing it!

I like the concept of the clown getting sick and going on a killing.
And the ending was good, with the little kid picking up the line.
Actually, when you start the short have the little kid be the same one that doesn't like the jokes in the beginning, and let it be him in the hand that grabs the knife.
That will surprise the folks, 'they would all go, oh my god, it's that kid from the beginning'!

Good stuff Dan!

here is your tag line : 'Evil Dead' meets 'It'

Thanks rpedro,

I like the tagline, I figured I'd go for something different. If you like this one wait until after the 15th when I upload the new ones.

Dan

Dan,

This was not that bad for 6 pages.

SPOILERS:

I agree with the others about the FADE INs and FADE OUTs. I don’t believe they are necessary, but deleting them would also sorten the script from 6.5 pages to just 6.

I thought the beginning was the strongest part of this script. I hate clowns with a passion, but you made me feel sad for him. I lost that feeling for him somewhat as the story went on, but still, never thought I’d feel sorry for a clown, haha.

On page three, when Dave kills the bum, I thought it came a little bit too unexpected and sudden. Not much description there either, so it left me a little unsatisfied, too quick and clean. I did however like the balloon neck tie.

Pg 5,  found and evidence? – any evidence

The court room thing happens already the next day. I think that is way too quick after an arrest. You also have him convicted and sentenced to 25 years in prison, I think it would be better to just say later, than “the next day” it’s just way too quick, unless we are in N. Korea or some place like that.

Not too bad for a short Dan!

Thanks for the feedback,

Dan

who isn't afraid of clowns?  

cool little short and a fun read despite the problems that everyone before me has mentioned.  (Fade In, Out Etc.)

I would have liked to have seen this a little longer and maybe give Dave a little more background.  Maybe he came from a long line of successful clowns and feels as if he's letting down the "family tradition"

anyway fun read!

Thanks, I'm working on the feature so everything will be explained. I took out the fade in/out's. When I re-read it it bothered me. lol

Any way talk to you all soon,
Dan

Hey Dan, I wanted to read some scripts 'cause I'm bored and stumped on mine. I read this and I thought it was an odd plot, but I liked the way you killed the people. Hehe, especially the thugs.

The dialogue kind of bothered me also, and the story kind of went too fast, but it was an okay script. A few mistakes, but nothing too bad. Anyways, good job.

Sean

Hey Sean,

I know what you mean about stumped lol.

I just wrote five new shorts and my ideas are fading away.

Thanks for the feedback and I'll check out some of your scripts soon,

Dan

[EDIT: Review removed because author doesn’t listen to suggestions from any readers and refuses to address obvious issues.]

Thank you english teacher from room 101!  lol

Thanks for the feedback I'll work on it.

Dan

Daniel –

I’m not sure I know what this story is about.  I know the clown goes on a killing spree to soothe his pain, but that’s not really a story.  The real story might be the kid who follows in the clown’s shoes, so to speak.

Anyway, on with the review.
I guess you’re taking care of the FADE IN and OUT problem.

I’m not seeing much in this story.  The birthday party, for example.  Nor, as I said previously,  am I getting a strong sense of story.
It’s kind of like telling a joke:  Did you hear the one about the sorry clown who  gets canned from a birthday gig because he made kids cry, but couldn’t make animal balloons, and so he goes berserk and kills people?

Sounds like a dark comedy?

Is Dave just a loser?  Or is he a drunkard, or maybe he's stoned when he f***** up at the party?  What’s behind his incompetence?

How about this.  On Page 1, let us know that this loser hits rock bottom.  Show us his humiliation.  Maybe he makes the “little kids” cry and so one of the dads grabs Dave by the collar and tosses him out of the house.  Maybe he lands on the lawn.  All the kids are staring at him through the window and howling with laughter.  Now that’s humiliation.

Maybe Dave gets canned from his clown job.  Maybe the bills are mounting and he’s about to be evicted.  Let this guy suffer and at least we’ll have sympathy for him.

When he kills his first victim, we’ll know that he was pushed to the edge.

I don’t quite get it.  Dave slams his hand into a mirror and gets this revelation… ?

Maybe he should be out for a walk, feeling sorry for himself, when he runs into this bum drinking whiskey.  Maybe the drunk provokes Dave,  and Dave just can’t take any more s***.  He loses it and kills the bum.  The feeling of this unpremeditated act is euphoric to him.  Ever see “Blue Steel”?  In that film, a businessman, Ron Silver, picks up a dropped gun at a crime scene.  He takes the gun home and is almost giddy with newfound power.  He goes out and starts killing people for the rush.

Same thing here.  It might work better if Dave stumbles across this power.  It overcomes him and the high he gets leads him to keep killing.

Now if this story is really about the kid who  carries out the clown murders, then introduce him sooner.  Maybe he’s a kid at the birthday party.  And maybe, we see the kid watching a video taped News Reports of the clown  murders, which he plays over and over and over…

We’ll know right away that this kid has an unnatural fascination with death or murder.
So when he continues the copycat murders by page 7, we have a clue where he’s coming from.

The the two middle-aged guys were murdered, well, that’s a bit overblown.  What you’re describing sounds like a cartoon, or some absurd comedy.  I’m not saying it can’t work, but just be aware of the reaction you are creating.

How about giving this clown a moniker?  You know, something crazy like the Balloon Killer or Balloon  Stalker.  Because aren’t balloons his motif?

Others have pointed out a lot of the problem dialogue or descriptions.
Breanne mentioned the passiveness of your action descriptions, so fix that.

And she also mentioned the trial.  Or should I say non-trial.  That won’t fly as is.
You can draw this trial out, or at least have Dave incarcerated, while the kid is out committing murders.  Or you can flash forward  a year, just so the judicial process doesn’t read like it was done in a day or two.

I think this story could work if you spin it in an interesting direction.  We need to know more of the psychological makeup of Dave and/or the kid.  Especially if you are going to turn this into a feature.  Otherwise, it will be just another tired script of some guy killing people cuz he’s crazy.

And I don’t like the Page One scene where all the kids seem to rush here and rush there, and the parents all speak in unison.  Are they not individuals?

Anyway, have you ever seen Ms. 45?  That film had a rather absurd story line, a mute girl gets raped twice in the same day or something, but it’s fascinating to watch her transform into a killing machine.

So, the premise might sound simple, but the characters should be complex and interesting.

Keep going and good luck.

Abe

Hey Abe,

I agree. In the feature it all gets explained. "Where and what causes Dave to snap and where does the kid fit into place.  I have a lot of thinking to do for this one. lol.

But not to worry, it all starts with an idea. Right?   See you all of the flip side.

Dan

Hi Daniel,

Nice story but as the others I think you need to dig it.

If I did undertsand the Clown's motivations, he kills 'cos he can't make people laugh.
Why could he draw a big smile on his victims with his knife?

Killing people without a glove is rather suicidal, isn't it?

Furthermore, I think that 25 years sentence is not much for 3 murders.

The twist at the end with the boy looks unbelievable to me.

Anyway, good job. Wait for the re-write


Michel

Hey Mike,

Good idea. I'm working on the re-write as of now and it's coming out way better than this.

Talk to you soon,

Dan