Christmas Tales - Ho Ho Ho by Spencer McDonald - Short - Santa struggles to get his nights duties done when he is side tracked by a naughty single Mom. Will she get her Christmas wish or will she get coal? 8 pages - doc, format

Ha! This was hilarious. Definitely not for the kids. Wasn't sure where you were going with the pills at first but the single mom bit cracked me up pretty much the whole time. Very clever. I also enjoyed Santa's sing-songy dialogue as well as the descriptions written in the same way. It was a nice touch. Everything seemed to be well written as well.

All in all, not much to complain about here. I really got a kick out of this one. There's just something very enjoyable to me in taking something seemingly squeaky clean like Santa Claus and giving it a not-so-squeaky clean twist. Good job, Spencer. Always a pleasure.

James

Thank you - Thank you - Thank you. I feel like I am backon my game. This one was fun to write and when my wife read it stuck her nose up at it, that is when I knew it was a winner. I look forward to doing two things this year. First, write more comedy shorts and some inspirational stuff as well. I have tried horror and it just doesn't work out for me. Anyway, thank you so much.

Spencer

Hi Mc! I got a time to read your HOHOHO! Man, hohohohahaha!.

You overcame yourself, man. I don't know why you came to SS later, man. Definitly you are a candidate to have your script made soon, man.

Congrats for this nice work. Good and accurated sense of humour you put in this Xmas Tales.

Wait more a little and someone will pick it up. Remember to make a good deal with it!!!

cheers
Helio

Haha! You pervert! Very enjoyable read. I liked the concept, very clever and funny as well.

*SPOILERS*

I would even go as far to say that the "What if Santa was sexually harrased by naughty moms?" concept, has feature lenght potential, if explored fully.

The only weakness I can point out is the exposition at the beginning. Talking to oneself or to animals, is a "cheap" way of giving information to the audience.

Your writing style clearly got way better since your early efforts. Altough I wouldn't advice a new writer working on spec to try fancy things like writing in prose.

Good job, man.

Hey Spencer

This was really rather funny and a little bit rude.  Like James said, the way you took Santa a some what squeeky clean character and turned him into a dirty old man was excellent.  

Mind you I've always thought that a man who breaks into peoples houses while they sleep and then tanks up on their alcohol and pies was a bit a of a dodgy character.

Good stuff mate.

I think that this was relatively well written - with the exception of a few action/descriptive paragraphs which were choppy, and broken up into less-than-full sentences.  

The puns were pretty good, too.

But---although I'm not a prude, the general concept didn't sit well with me.   On a general note, it just seemed "wrong" to do a story like that about Santa.  On a more detailed (overly picky) level, two other items were bothersome.  1) It seemed as if Santa and "Mom" had a previous history - kinda implied, but not thoroughly clear.  2) I actually didn't appreciate the Santa comments about single moms.  Seemed - slightly misogenist.  Then again, its a light hearted story - so I doubt I should read any implied meaning into it at all!

Spencer,

I read this one last night and I laughed out loud a lot. It was actually hilarious. Awesome writing on your part. All the little details  made this one an excellent lighthearted Christmas read. My only real complaint, story wise, would be that your writing was so good that I didn’t notice at first that this script’s story was not as good as your writing.

SPOILERS:

Landing lights don’t blink, they are more like headlights. The navigational and strobe lights blink.

Heels extended are used twice within three sentences.

Why does Santa drag one leg as he hobbles? Just curious…..

Cro-Magnon man grunt. How true, how true…….

“complete with swirling stripes and a hooked handle.”
Spencer my Dear………..those aren’t handles  

Love your writing, it’s getting better and better. If your book is anything like this, I might by one just for the laughs. You ARE funny.

To everyone who has reviewed my script I would like to say:

THANK YOU  THANK YOU  THANK YOU.

For those I offened -- Well, get over it. This is only a fun story and any intentional dig at Santa was unintentional. And remember controvery sells!

Spencer

Hey Spencer, I had no idea blue tick-tacks can have this kind of effect on men!! wow!

Silly me I always buy the green ones...hmm...no wonder I...forget it, lets move on!



Man that was funny. Really nice...

OK I'm forgetting something...oh, I need to comment on the script!...Nah! I'm gonna go get me some BLUE tick-tacks!!

Good job man   Very amusing, that's all I can say!

I found this to be a pretty bad script.  The dialogue was extremely on-the-nose and the jokes weren't funny.  To put it in a word: it was immature.

I can deal with off color jokes, but the jokes have to be funny.


Phil

I'm going to have to side with the dog.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that I found it completely unfunny - parts of it were cute and amusing and it has some potential, however...

The writing was choppy. A few fragments are fine but you had way more than a few.  The dialogue was bland.  It seemed to me like you wanted to go bedtime story with the dialogue, which would have been ok, but you never quite made it there.  And last, but not least, it's Santa Claus.

Thank you for your HONEST review.

I have to agree with you that this story is choppy at points. Probably from some of my editing no doubt. The fragments -- YES THERE ARE FRAGMENTS! That is how I write. I am writing a screenplay not a novel. So my style is a bit staccato and will remain that way.

I find stories like this humorous because I am not a politically correct puppet or have to ask for my nutsack back from my wife. I write them to entertain. And the reality is... if you dont like it then dont read it.

Lots of people, however, did enjoy the QUICK story and DID find it humorous.

Spencer

Quoted from spencerforhire Thank you for your HONEST review. I have to agree with you that this story is choppy at points. Probably from some of my editing no doubt. The fragments -- YES THERE ARE FRAGMENTS! That is how I write. I am writing a screenplay not a novel. So my style is a bit staccato and will remain that way.

I enjoy sentences that have a staccato-like cadence. It gives 'em a kind of poetic beat.

Quoted from spencerforhire I find stories like this humorous because I am not a politically correct puppet or have to ask for my nutsack back from my wife. I write them to entertain. And the reality is... if you dont like it then dont read it.

Having been raised by a single mother, I am, I admit, somewhat sensitive to their being characterized in stereotypic ways. This piece, though, I'm certain, wasn't meant to offend, but to entertain. And entertain it did! In any case, sometimes, playing with stereotypes is fun -- hell, I love Dave Chappelle's Show!

Quoted from spencerforhire Lots of people, however, did enjoy the QUICK story and DID find it humorous.

I found it humorous, especially when santa found himself stuck in the chimmney - what to do, what to do?!

Seth

Seth -- Thank you for the review. I most certainly did not intend to offend anyone who may be a single mom or who was raised by a single mom. I entire goal was to write a fun piece that was edgy and yet fun.

Spencer

This has some funny parts. It’s a little too much like a Penthouse forum letter for me -- haha.

The single moms slur - it threw me off a bit. I had no idea there was such a stereotype. I’ve never heard anything about single moms being promiscuous. If it is a stereotype it’s not a well known one, which diminishes its intended effect. Also, the fact that it’s not true diminishes the effect. And it is misogynistic but I can separate the character from the author. At least I hope that’s not the author’s personal view. Do men really think this?

Had Santa made a crack about Martha personally instead of all single moms, I would have paid no mind to it whatsoever. As it is, it’s kind of a hang-up.

Cro-Magnon grunt -- It’s funny but we wouldn’t hear the “Cro-Magnon” reference in the actual short.

I thought some of the little rhymes were cute - With a twinkle of his nose he rose, then in a second he froze… -- haha. The problem is that they were sporadic and we wouldn’t see or hear them while watching the film.

I think it would be improved with a narrator to tell the story in rhyme - that way you can tell the rhymes and they won’t get lost in translation to screen.

It’s sometimes cute, sometimes crass, sometimes funny. I don’t think it ever achieved all three at once and that’s part of what makes it so uneven. It’s got potential but then I’m not quite sure what it’s got potential for. Like I said, it might get published in Penthouse or something.

Now I have to go take a shower. I feel dirty! -- haha

Breanne -- Thank you for a great review. I alway respect the best writers on this forum who deliver reviews that are constructive and help me to grow as a writer.

You said something I really agree with. Using a narrator was a thought and I should have done that for some of my rhymes. Maybe if I ever rewrite this one.

All the descriptions that are laced with these little rhymes are nothing more than fun for the reader.  Yes, I know they are not needed.

This entire story was to have fun. It was not to offend. As writers we have that license. The single mom thing. Well, I needed a child to set it up and i needed a woman to fullfil the script. Couldn't be a married mom, so it had to be a single mom. And that is how I got to the single mom in the story.

Anyway, thank you for reading my scripts and I hope you will continue to read and enjoy.

Spencer

This script was funny but a bit uncomfortable to see santa depicted like that. Someone said it was immature but the script is as immature as the ones who read it. Come on you knew what was coming when you selected it.

It was Enjoyable for what is was worth.

spencerforhire, I mean no offense to you, but this is one awful script.

The premise is weak, almost suitable for a porno.  As far as comedy goes, there's no real setup, no punchline, it is simply about finding sexual gratification.  The dildo is tasteless.

The one charming bit of the script is the narration, the rhyming, which the audience will never hear.  I would suggest introducing a narrator, as others have suggested.

While this script wasn't the best piece of literature I've ever laid my eyes on, it was a funny, silly little piece, and I believe the author intended for it to be that way. Just a joke, and I don't believe he intended to offend anyone by it.

Phil thought it was bad and immature and I think he is absolutely entitled to his opinion, and I really don't think his comments were malice and intentionally hurtful, they were just blunt and on the nose...but that's Phil!

Maybe if the words ( abit vulgar ), quoting "Bert", were included in the synopsis, it would've prepared the reader for what's coming next, and maybe some would decline from reading it in the first place.

Reviews should be taken with an open mind; they should serve as a tool to start a constructive discussion. That's one of the main reasons we publish our work on this site.

Very nice, Spencer. Nice...



Wow that really got me into the Christmas spirit, now making me think that Santa is nothing but a big man whore thing. Oh well, it made me laugh. At first I thought the pills were poison or something, but then i read further on and...WHOOPS!

Nice job. Can't wait 'til Christmas.

Sean

Hey spencer,

Loved your script.

Thanks Beaumont. I was trying to write something funny and different. I guess I hit my mark with that goal in mind. If it made you laugh and reduced your stress I am glad to have helped.

Spencer

hey, Mc, let me stealing you frase ..."made you laugh and reduced your stress I am glad to have helped." I used to think the same with my script and I will attach one thing in your frase "...and make you think"...That's is my script porposes!