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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Big Stiff Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Big Stiff  (currently 5501 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 10th, 2013, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Good for you Anthony!

And they got your writer credit correct to boot.
Well, you're way ahead of the game already with that one!

Socializing on gloomy occasions always provides nice contention.
So good call on subject matter too.

Always a pleasure to see new content from SS lifers!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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alffy
Posted: January 10th, 2013, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers brett.

Yeah, at least I got a credit

I was a bit disappointed when the guy who wanted to shoot it in full backed out as he couldn't get enough funding.  At 30 minutes it would have been a big deal for me but hey ho I'll stay positive that he might come back to it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 10th, 2013, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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So Anthony, first of all, I'm glad this script got pushed back to the top.  I read it over the last couple of days and thoroughly enjoyed it.  To me, this reads almost like an episode of Arrested Development.  A lot of Jason Bateman/Michael Cera type of dialogue going on.  I could even see this is as a potential pilot for a comedy series.  You certainly have a knack (and eye) for comedy.  Maybe some things are a bit overdone, like the series of flashbacks toward the end, but that's minor stuff to me.  Probably one of the best pieces I've read in my short time on this site.

Not sure if you were writing for a British audience, but the uses of "mum," "git," "rabbit on", "hoover" etc. sort of stand out.  They don't bother me (I use to live in London for awhile, so I'm a big fan of UK television, especially comedies), but for others it might be a stretch.

Just some grammatical glitches here and there:

P. 18 "wrinkled skin hangs lose" s/b loose

P. 22  "your not happy" and "your gonna rabbit on" s/b you're in both cases.

I was hoping Sarah would have more of a role and there could be more interaction between she and David earlier, so when the big moment comes at the end, there's more of a payoff.  But hey! Make it into a series and there's always time to develop her character, right?

Again, great job!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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alffy
Posted: January 10th, 2013, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Gary, cheers for the read.

I did intend for this to be part of a series and had another episode penciled out.  At the moment it's on my to-do list lol.  If this had got produced I would have certainly done more episodes.

I've a soft spot for this as it was one of the first thinks I ever wrote, although its changed a bit over the years.

Thanks again and if I can repay the read just let me know.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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