Alffy,

Looking forward to an expanded version.  I agree with all who said the girl is the interesting character.  In terms of a full story we're only at the end of Act I.  A short Act I at that.
Maybe in an expansion, he doesn't even see the woman until the service is over.  Perhaps he spots her again at the reception and learns more things about her, a turning point that would propel him into 'the chase.'
Enjoyed the humor, especially the fact that four men wasn't enough to carry the coffin.  Maybe six wouldn't even be enough and eight would be necessary.  It is important to set the comedic tone early for a longer work based on this premise.  The snide comments about the buffet are classic.  I can totally picture a guy in his 50's bitching about the new 'lazy' generation.

-Bob

Thanks for the review Bob,

I am currently trying to extend this, and a buffet scene will be included.  I am though torn as to whether to extend this too much, a longer short a feature?

I think I have enough to continue the story, the chase, the buffet, the family, the dad's backstory maybe...

Hopefully I will have an extended version posted in the next few weeks.

Anyway cheers mate.

Hi Alffy,,

I did like it, but as everyone said there are a lot of things missing. What bothered me the most is the fact that David has an erection just by looking at the girl. I was expecting for some fantasy dream where he could shag the girl in front of everyone against the coffin, the coffin falls and breaks and they realize this is not the right corpse, etc...

A weird reaction from the auntie seeing (or feeeling) the erection would be worthless IMO

A good one anyway


Michel

Thanks for the read Michel

I'm currently expanding this and hope to have it up soon.  

I was hoping the whole erection thing to be more of a 'is it or isn't it' type arguement.  Meaning, does aunty judith press up against his erection or is simply his mp3 player in his pocket.  This has a double meaning I guess, maybe he has a big stiff or not?

I may clear this up in the rewrite though.  Either change the mp3 player to something bigger or drop the question altogether.

hey Anthony,

I just gave this a gander.  by the title I should have guessed what this was REALLY about......LOL

This was a funny story.  Your descriptions were good and the dialogue worked as well.

There was some big laughs and you set up the punchline to your story quite well.

Not much else to say that hasn't been already said.

anyways good job

Thanks for the read Jordan.

Glad you liked it.

Hey guys the extended version is now up if anyones interested in giving it a read?

I finally got the chance to read it and I enjoyed it alot. The interaction with David and Trevor was very funny and like what many have said earlier, the title fits the punchline very well.

The dialogue was fine and I could picture how the characters would say their lines in my head. There were some parts in the descriptions/actions that could be shorten and still get the desired effect, but those were touch on by other people.

Again, awesome story.

Thanks for the comments Raven4000 glad you liked it.  I hoped the dialogie would seem natural and I know I do sometimes overwrite the descriptions.

Anywho glad you found it funny, I'll give your script a read and leave some feedback.

Hey Alffy! Thanks for the review of Zest.
Let's start my review:
GRAMMAR/FORMAT
As far as I could tell, format was done perfectly. With grammar, you missed a few question marks at the end of sentences and commas etc. That could be go back and redone.
SPOILERS
STORY/CHARACTERS
Not much is said about the characters. I wasn't sure that Trevor was David's dad until the description said that. I wasn't sure what the main plot was. Was it Trevor being afraid of the Aunt after he slept with er? Was it David trying to get with Sarah (his supposed cousin (?))? The punchline of the short seemed too small for the script. There was seventeen pages of build up for that joke? But then again, there as alot of much smaller jokes before that, and I wasn't expecting a punchline as the script ittself was funny enough.
OVERALL
I think you have a nice script here with some funny dry humour and good dialogue. My main problem is with  the punchline thing. I also think the script was too short for it's setup.

Bigwhoop

Cheers for the read Bigwhoop.

Maybe my characters could do with filling out a bit, this started as a 7 page short and I extended the story without really extending the characters.

As for the punchline, well it originally ended at the church when the punchline had more...well punch lol.  I tried to keep that when I extended which is the reason for the second time round punchline.

Glad you found it funny though, this is what I wanted.  I tried to keep the dialogue natural and awkward.

thanks again for the read.

Hey alffy,

This was pretty good though it doesn't feel complete.  It feels like the opening of one of those movies where the guy meets the girl at an unusual place: wedding, funeral, baptism, etc.  You can flesh this out more and break up the Trevor/David dialogue by giving us snippets of what that evening has been like for her.  Don't let her lose her mystery, but have people she doesn't know talk to her.

Anyway, nice job.

Dethan

Hey alffy.

** Spoilers **
Overall this was much better than the first version but it still has a couple of issues. Your dialogue was good and you have fleshed out a story to hang your jokes on.  I liked the glasses joke at the funeral and then the reversal of it at the end -  excellently executed.  

My comments are:

I think you take a too much time to get into the story.  The first page is precious something more interesting than the MP3 player needs to happen.

You spend way to much time having David fuss with the MP3 player.  Edit your lengthy descriptions.  We don't need to know where he sticks it - it doesn't have anything to do with the story.  The glasses case are a different thing entirely, we care where he sticks it.

Why is his father complaining that the glasses case weighs his pants down if he keeps it in his jacket pocket?

I want to know what Aunty Judith suggested.  Oh. I think I see what she suggested. In that case I find it difficult to believe his father would so easily volunteer that.

Some of your CAPS are strange.  SURPRISE - EYES WIDEN?  What's with that?

I don't think Trevor should so easily confess to his son that he slept with the Aunt.  For some reason this just does not ring true to me.  David should work for this information and perhaps discover it himself.  Perhaps a conversation with Aunty Judith.  Or maybe his father eludes to it. Maybe David jokes about it and his father wonders how he knew. It would not be confessed that easily.

The whole YOUNG BOY thing - while interesting and setting the scene - is begging to be a joke.  Make something funny happen with the young boy.  Spanking isn't funny.

The FRANK thing needs to be slugged as a happening in the past.  I stopped here for a while because I couldn't figure out when it was happening.  Also I had forgotten about Frank and since you dont describe him near this scene I couldn't determine if you were implying he took the lottery ticket.  I had to backtrack all the way to the begining to find his description and even after reading his description I still can't tell if he took the lottery ticket.  You need to make this clearer.  I'm not saying you have to state it outright but you need to give better visual clues that imply Frank took the ticket.

I think Trevors fling with Judith should somehow figure into David's justification for pursuing Sarah.  He should have more guilt about being attracted to Sarah until after he learns about his Dad's fling and then it should be full steam ahead.  I'm not certain how you might approach this but I think it would add depth to the story.  

Anyway, good work.  You are certainly improving as a writer and storyteller.
  

Thanks for the read Dethan,

I've extended this once and I might, in the future, do it again.  At the moment though I'm working on a feature so this is on hold.  thanks for the review.


Mcornetto,

The mp3 player part was originally the whole bulge in the trousers but I changed it and so I could remove the description about that.

Glasses in the jacket pocket?  oops bit of a boob there then, I'll sort this out.

Trevor confesses too easily?  Maybe I can have Trevor confess later after having a few drinks at the buffet.  

Glad you commented on the Frank situation, if you find this hard to follow I'll redo it.  I thought it would be a nice funny side to the story, sorry if it wasn't clear enough.  Again I'll work on this.

Your comments are welcomed and I'll probably do one more rewite, trying to incorporate all the suggestions I've had.  Hopefully I can tie them in properly this time lol.

I thank everyone for reading this.

Great story

It was a bit of a tease. This would make one helluvah feature. I'm new to the sight and yours was the first thing I read. Keep it up and think about expanding it mate!