haha, I really enjoyed this script. I also checked out your other scripts. Dead and Walking is probibly your best in my opinion.

Well this was certainly original.

For 24 pages this was an amazingly quick read for me.  I really enjoyed the very sadistic, but entertaining ending, which probably makes me a horrible person, but that's how I write as well.

All the typos I noticed were mentioned in other people's comments so I wont bother with those.

The main aspect I didn't like about this script, which others have already mentioned, is it is too blunt.  I agree with Phil that it should be cut down to about 15pgs or less and I also think this may help add a little more "suspense" I guess (I don't think that's the best word for it though).

This definately was a script for me, as I strongly dislike cats, so excellent work.

Pat

Hi Sean,

I read this 'cause I don't think I've read any of your stuff before, but I think now I will.

This was a very cute little story with hillarious ending. I was outright chuckling at some points while reading, which doesn't happen a lot for me. The ending was perfect.

Like others have mentioned, there's too much description, and generally I feel it's probably a bit too long for its own good. I think you could've reached a satisfying end-point within 15-20 pages.

The premise is great, I think, but you juggle a lot of sub-plots, introducing characters like Kat, Debbie and what's-his-face (sorry can't remember, Debbie's husband). Perhaps cut the dinner scene shorter, or leave it out completely. Him trying to eat a mouse is a bit too obvious and OTT, and the scene is merely there to further the notion of Bishop wanting to eat cat-food.

Instead you could have him fill his refrigerator with cans of tuna, salmon and the likes, eating the stuff out of a can. Or have him set up mice-traps. You could convey the same information in about a third of the space, and without introducing superfluous characters to a simply story.

But I quite liked your story and I think you've got some real talent in you, especially for someone so young. Next up for me would be your zombie-stuff, I'm a sucker for that stuff.

By the way I also caught some of your Final Destination voice-over work on youtube. That's some pretty funny stuff!

BrandNew: thanks for reading. (Sorry I couldn't get to your comment earlier). I've realized my mistake of having too much dialogue and I've finally been able to cut down on it on some other scripts I've been working on.

Death Monkey: Descriptions: got 'em. What's OTT? Sorry, I'm not a big fan of acronyms, so I try and avoid using them (except for 'lol', I'm hooked on those). I like the idea of an amount of tuna fish cans in his fridge and mouse traps. It's funny. Thanks for the review.

Oh, and my Final Destination voice-overs...Heh, you can tell I have a lot of time on my hands. I should finish them up (I haven't done any in a while).

Sean

Oh sorry...

OTT = Over the top.

On the other hand I never use ROFLMAO and the likes, so I think I'm balancing my acronyms okay.

lol.

Great script! Very quick read and easy to visualize! The story was original and the main character was very well developed which is mostly hard for a lot of writers to do with shorts. I think that you could have probably improved on the wife. She was a little bland in my opinion, but still likeable. I also really liked Kat.