Quoted from Scar Tissue Films He seems to. As soon as he knows Jeff knows his name he is scared for his life. He instantly expects to be killed.

I see you point. I should perhaps've made it clearer somehow, but I'm not sure how as it is a bit a of a nuance. He knows he's stepped on some pretty nasty people's toes and knows he should just get out of town, but he's so self-confident he's sure he's gonna get away with it, like he has so many times before when he's been in a tough spot.
Nathan is the kinda guy who talks himself out of stuff (Although this should probably be made clearer too). So when Jeff tells him not to run, it dawns on him what Jeff is, even if he didn't know there was a hit out on him. In my head Nathan was perhaps peripherally involved in some illegalities, but never did any of it himself.

Quoted Text I thought it would be more of a shock and would encourage the audience to think about what the film was about if it was more abrupt.

That's interesting. You could be right. I'm not sure I'm gonna re-write it, or if I do it's probably just gonna happen some day when I'm bored, but I will definitely give this some though.

Quoted Text However, if you decide to keep it as it is, the one thing I would do is keep nathan alive while Jeff talks. You know shoot him in in the stomach and have him scrabble about a bit and then finish him off with the final line.

I like the idea of Jeff speaking to a dying Nathan, but the problem is Jeff wouldn't shoot him in the stomach because he's neither an amateur nor a sadist. It would break character I think, even if I like lullaby effect of preaching to a dying man. I think Jeff is full enough of himself to do that.



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S P  O I  L E R S

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Death Monkey,

I read this twice. It's interesting pychologically. I almost got the sense that Jeff would have allowed Nathan a break had he not agreed to take another's life to save his own. I say "almost" because, in the end, I doubt it would've made much of difference to Jeff.

What's even more interesting is that Jeff seems to use Nathan's choice to take another's life as a reason, a rationalization for what he, ultimately, does -- Jeff told him not to let anything come before his child, and he did. I suspect Jeff, being a professional, would've killed him regardless.

Psychologically, this is great.

Others have said that there is too much dialogue. I agree. I think you could say what needs to be said with fewer words. Other than that I haven't any complaints.

Seth

Quoted from Seth S P  O I  L E R S * * Death Monkey, I read this twice. It's interesting pychologically. I almost got the sense that Jeff would have allowed Nathan a break had he not agreed to take another's life to save his own. I say "almost" because, in the end, I doubt it would've made much of difference to Jeff. What's even more interesting is that Jeff seems to use Nathan's choice to take another's life as a reason, a rationalization for what he, ultimately, does -- Jeff told him not to let anything come before his child, and he did. I suspect Jeff, being a professional, would've killed him regardless. Psychologically, this is great. Others have said that there is too much dialogue. I agree. I think you could say what needs to be said with fewer words. Other than that I haven't any complaints. Seth

Yay, Seth catches up on some of the subtleties in the script!

The way I see it, yeah, Jeff would've killed him regardless. He claims reasons don't concern him, but why then the conversational small talk? He could've finished the job right then and there, but he's looking to make his killing mean something. It's not random death if he's punishing Nathan for something. If he's killing Nathan because Nathan agrees to become a killer himself, then the murder has a purpose. Like he says in the end: "I don't just take life, I grant it".

This guy was an auditor for 15 years, most boring job in the world (sorry if there are any auditors out there!), and he felt like his life was meaningless, and now he's in a position where he gives it meaning. Now he gives meaning to other people's lives. At least in his mind.

He would've killed Nathan regardless, but it wouldn't have given him a feeling of self-satisfaction.

Thanks for reading!

I really enjoyed this. A little cliche with the whole hitman deal but it didn't really make me enjoy the script any less. The small talk, the threatening(killing someone he had a wetdream about? ouch lol), and 'giving him a chance' at the end all really made Jeff a cool character. I guess too much dialogue could be a problem for some but I thought it was okay. Although I think that last speech by Jeff could be cut down. You know, make you think about why he killed him after telling him he'd let him live. Just saying "your daughters life wasn't yours to risk" could have been enough of a hint about what he was doing without explaining in detail. Either way, I enjoyed the script, good job.

Great dialouge! Would love to see it as a feature. Perhaps Jeff doesn't waste him right away and Nathan struggles with what he did. Trying to find some one who he believes deserves to die. And zombie movies rock! They rock even harder when you don't know why they are Zombies

Thanks SkyeBlueHue and Tony Ellis for reading Strangers.

Even though I don't plan on doing a re-write any time soon (since this was more of an exercise) it's doubtful the script is gonna change, but I definitely think people are right about the dialogue could be trimmed and such. And maybe I should've left more to the imagination regarding Jeff's final speech. If I do a re-write someday, this will change.

But thanks again.

Hey Death Monkey,

This felt as a narrative. Most of the tale is told through the dialgoue. But I think this is what makes these characters real. They talk about their past and work and etc.

But I think you stalled more time by allowing Jeff to propose that deal of life for life. I understand the purpose for that (as a test) but it seemed obvious that Nate was not going to happen (through Jeff's characterization) especially when Nate questions Jeff's skills in finding out. I think the scene when Nathan asks Jeff how he will find out, Jeff should shoot him there.

You're writing was great. Dialgue was decent but needs a bit trimming though. Hope this helps in any way.

Gabe

Yo Death Monkey,

I didn't particulary like this one - storywise I mean. I kept comparing it to your other work (The Pool and The Mute) and this one falls short I feel. I know it's not fair to do that, but you set the bar pretty high with those two  .

The premise of the story has been done before I think (especially here in the Short section), so that was kind of a let down. Okay, so you put a nice twist on it in the end but it doesn't save it in my book. These assassin stories feels a bit like someone's taking an easy way out (no real backstory and the ever predictable ending).

I think your writing is top notch. Your descriptions are excellent - it felt very Hitchcock. The dialogue is good, though I feel there's too much of it (pretty much everything is told through the dialogue).

It's not a bad script - I just expected more from you. Sorry...

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper Yo Death Monkey, I didn't particulary like this one - storywise I mean. I kept comparing it to your other work (The Pool and The Mute) and this one falls short I feel. I know it's not fair to do that, but you set the bar pretty high with those two  . The premise of the story has been done before I think (especially here in the Short section), so that was kind of a let down. Okay, so you put a nice twist on it in the end but it doesn't save it in my book. These assassin stories feels a bit like someone's taking an easy way out (no real backstory and the ever predictable ending). I think your writing is top notch. Your descriptions are excellent - it felt very Hitchcock. The dialogue is good, though I feel there's too much of it (pretty much everything is told through the dialogue). It's not a bad script - I just expected more from you. Sorry... Cheers Rob

I knew it!

I was actually planning on doing a disclaimer "Not my best work" just to keep people from comparing it to the two scripts I feel are my best: "The Mute" and "The Pool"

This was definitely more of a quick writing excercise than anything. Something that was just fun to do. I reckon kinda like your Terminator time travel thingie.

So you won't get an argument out of me, I agree it's not my strongest work, and the subject matter has been done to death. Still, I kinda like Jeff. I might keep him a rainy day, should I ever need a hitman for a script.

I'll take it as a compliment that you expect more from me, though. You should.

And a re-write will not be coming.

Quoted from Death Monkey This was definitely more of a quick writing excercise than anything. Something that was just fun to do. I reckon kinda like your Terminator time travel thingie. And a re-write will not be coming.

I kinda had a hunch  

Rob

Hello TJ, just read the script. I must say, bravo.

The formatting was perfect, your story is perfect, and the characters were perfect.

The build up to the final climax of your screenplay was interesting, and the conversation was very believable to me. At first I didn't think the guy was there to kill him, and that there might have been a bigger twist.

It was good.

I really enjoyed this one. Do you have any other works that are similar to this one that you would like me to read?

Quoted from Stigmata Hello TJ, just read the script. I must say, bravo. The formatting was perfect, your story is perfect, and the characters were perfect. The build up to the final climax of your screenplay was interesting, and the conversation was very believable to me. At first I didn't think the guy was there to kill him, and that there might have been a bigger twist. It was good. I really enjoyed this one. Do you have any other works that are similar to this one that you would like me to read?

Stigmata,

Thanks a lot for the kind words. Glad you liked the story.

I only have a couple of shorts on this site, but my two best pieces are The Mute and The Pool, both of which I link to in my signature. You could check them out.

Again, thanks for reading.

Hey Death Monkey

I just scanned over some of the previous reviews and most things I was gonna say have already been mentioned.  Great dialogue, maybe a little long at times, good descriptions but for me the story wasn't that original.  This was still a great read but one thing struck me, when Jeff says Nathan's name he immediatly jumps to the conclusion that Jeff's gonna kill him.  I know Jeff says 'don't run' but it seems like a big assumption.

Anyway I'm nit picking cos I liked this, I guess it was the strong dialogue that made it for me.  

Good stuff mate.

Hello T J,

I just now read your script and liked it. Formatting is just fine, the few descriptions that are in it are well-done, and the dialogue truly carries this one.

I must say that the ending caught me by surprise. For some twisted reason I had expected Nathan to take Jeff's life in the end; "Life for a life it is then".

By the way, the "droopy eyes of a suicidal bloodhound" line immediately made me think of Vincent Schiavelli.

Quoted from movemycheese Hello T J, I just now read your script and liked it. Formatting is just fine, the few descriptions that are in it are well-done, and the dialogue truly carries this one.

Thanks, it was a real dialogue piece for me too. Which is both its strength and weakness, I think.

Quoted Text I must say that the ending caught me by surprise. For some twisted reason I had expected Nathan to take Jeff's life in the end; "Life for a life it is then".

That's brilliant. Nathan pushes him in front of the train. What a twisted ending. If I could do an alternate ending that'd be it.

Thanks for reading and the insights.