Strangers by T. J. Hundtofte (death monkey) - Short - Two strangers strike up idle conversation on a railway platform, waiting for their train. The conversation takes on a disturbing character when one of them seems to know a lot more about the other than he let on.  11 pages - pdf, format

Great work here, TJ, I think it has to much dialogues but in certain way they were necessary. I like stories in train station (Hello Mr Einstein and Hell the last station)

For me this jeff's line was great, maybe a type of line Tarantino should do:

"JEFF
Don?t be. ?Do not fear death so
much, but rather the inadequate
life.? I read that once on the
back a cereal box. It does have a
nice ring to it."

I'm sorry to bring it to here, but I had to.

Congrats TJ and you will see it  being requested soon!

Hey DM,

Format and style were in good shape.  You write well.  I enjoyed the discriptions but sometimes you go a little overboard. For instance, "droopy eyes of a suicidal bloodhound".  It sounds good, but I'm not exactly sure I could find an actor with those type of eyes.  The other descriptions are also vivid, but your doing it to compensate for the one location and the fact that the conflict is all in the dialogue.

SPOILERS BELOW

I'm getting a bit tired of these Assissin killer stories. They have no beginning, why he needs to be killed.   And then the middle gets stretched out to compensate for the one bullet ending. They don't do anything for me.

I did like that you gave Jeff the Assassin a history.  He seems to be manipulating things with a purpose.

The conflict of the story is all in the dialogue.  It isn't a visual story.  It would almost be better as a 10 minute play.

This is probably the best of the assassin killer stories I've read recently, but that is one low bar to jump over.

If you want to make it more interesting you need to add more conflict... not just stretch out the one line of conflict.  See if you can figure out a way to make things worse.  Killing a character is the easy way out... give us a visceral struggle as well as the intelectual one.

Dethan

Thanks for the read, guys.

Helio,

About the dialogue, yeah I went overboard. I guess I was over-compensating from having just written a script with no dialogue!

Glad you liked it though, and yeah that line was a favorite of mine too.

Dethan,

I know my subject matter has been done to death. I wrote this in about an hour as a break from another script I was writing, and it's pretty much just a exercise in having 'cool' dialogue.

You make a good point about the visuals too. Like I said, I'm probably still reeling from The Mute. If I do a rewrite, I will try to make ammends for that.

However I didn't want any reason for him to be killed, just like I don't want a reason for why zombies come back to life in a zombie-flick. Pick your excuse, radiation, comet, voodoo, biological experiments, they all been done to death. Just like reasons for getting killed by a hitman. In 10 minutes the reason why ain't gonna matter to the audience, if he embezzled, if he slept with the Don's daughter, if he, like Jeff suggests "hurt somebody's feelings". I think it would make the story plain(er) if I explained why he was being offed.

I'm not crazy about the ending myself. I want something stronger. At one point I had Nathan survive and carry out the kill the next day, or at least have us see a newspaper being delivered to Jeff's door with an unsolved homocide, but opted against it, because Jeff's a professional. He takes pride in what he does and it matters to him. He was never gonna let Nathan go. He just wanted the moral high-ground. By manipulating him to risk the lives of everyone he loves, he makes a would-be murderer out of Nathan after all, and he's not innocent any more.

And by the way, my mental image of Jeff was a Stanley Tucci/John Turturro kinda guy.

But thanks for the read!

Ahh, yeah, John Turturro sounds about right.

I wasn't really criticizing your script for skipping the "why" Nathan needs to be hit.  You at least knew it was an issue and addressed it, most of the scripts I've read recently avoid it entirely.  But, while reading it, I did wonder who would put a hit on a fiction writer and for what reason.  And what would scare him enough to be out at 4:15AM.  You took away the obvious, cheating people and murder.  So it has to be something odd and unique, and Nathan doesn't seem like the sleeping around type. To me that sounds like an interesting story...

As for the ending, I agree, what you chose was probably the stronger of the two endings you've outlined.

I'd disagree with the Zombie part though.  A good Monster movie needs a high concept creation myth, something that'll seperate your zombies from all the others. Otherwise, you might as well purchase space in a bargain bin and not make the movie. It'd be cheaper on the pocket book.

Dethan

Quoted Text I'd disagree with the Zombie part though.  A good Monster movie needs a high concept creation myth, something that'll seperate your zombies from all the others. Otherwise, you might as well purchase space in a bargain bin and not make the movie. It'd be cheaper on the pocket book.

If there was such a thing as a clever explanation for having zombies (Shivers comes to mind, but not really), I'd agree with you. But If I had to pick between a rage-virus and nothing, I'd go with nothing. Nobody really cares about WHY the zombies are there, do they? It's like a Jean Claude van Damme movie. In the beginning he'd always do a little dance about why he spoke with an accent but after a few movies they just skipped it 'cause people didn't care why he had an accent, they just wanted to see a roundhouse kick.

But I'm really digressing now...

As for why Nathan was hit...I have a few theories myself. And I just bet somebody's gonna call me out on this and say "it's your job to know!"

Uh Huh.

Yeah, exactly like a Jean Claude van Damme movie.  Do people still watch those? Yeesh. What crap.

Dethan

Quoted from Death Monkey And by the way, my mental image of Jeff was a Stanley Tucci/John Turturro kinda guy.

The "zen" description and the drawn out monologues regarding death and humanity had me thinking David Carradine for some reason.

It was an interesting read...Jeff didn't come to me as much of a surprise, but I did like the "life for a life" thing you did.  As far as the ending, I was anticipating Nathan to jump onto the tracks.  It was probably Jeff's "Step up...pay the price" line.  I was thinking more in a literal sense there, and thought it would have been cool to see him accomplish what he was supposed to without really doing anything.

Nice work.

I have to agree that the concept is mostly tired, but personally, I found the "life for a life" idea interesting, at least.  At first I thought it was silly, but when I discovered Jeff's real reason for it I was fairly satisfied.

The droopy eyes of a suicidal bloodhound made me think Steve Buscemi, personally.

The dialogue was definitely excessive but it was moderately snappy.  The Tarantino-generation hitman character is wearing thin these days but what can you do.  This was fun to read and I'm sure it was fun to write.

Mike,

Haha, I think it's funny you envision David Caradine and Heretic sees Steve Buscemi; two Tarantino players.

Anyway, thanks for the read. As for Nathan jumping onto the tracks, I don't think he'd have the guts. The point is he was so afraid of dying he would forsake everything to get out alive.

Heretic,

It was very fun to write, indeed. I just let myself go, really. I knew it would be seen as a Tarantino wannabe script, but honestly he was hardly an inspiration here. This was more a Cohen brothers homage to their kind of hitmen. I was thinking Blood Simple, Miller's Crossing and I just watched a scene from No Country for Old Men last week with Javier Bardem's hitman character and I felt inspired. But yeah, I realize it's hard to dodge the Tarantino comparison when you got this subject matter.

But thanks for reading!

Quoted from Dethan Uh Huh. Yeah, exactly like a Jean Claude van Damme movie.  Do people still watch those? Yeesh. What crap. Dethan

Hey, Blood Sport was awesome...

Hey T.J, this was a pretty c0ol script.

First off I like your descriptions, you make it very easy for the reader to picture the scene in their head "Droopy eyes of a suicidal hound dog"...HA...that was probably my favourite description.

I also like you're dialogue here, especially from Jeff, even though I could see the set up with him and his true identity, he was interesting.

All in all this is solid writing.  with this and the last script of yours I read "The Mute" you are up there in the ranks of Martin as one of the best writers on this site.  Good work.

When I saw who wrote the script and then I saw the logline I thought, "Oh No, Death Monkey has sold out!". I didn't think the script was going to be upto much I must admit.

I should have had more faith in your ability. It was very enjoyable to read and as everyone else has said the life for a life idea was interesting.

The negatives:

Generally.

As already mentioned, the hitman idea has been done to death. There really needs to be something incredibly new and original about it, and I don't think this quite got there.

Maybe the originality would lie in why this man wants to kill the writer. I know you are trying to stay away from this, but if you are intent on using a hitman in the story I really feel there needs to be a more original vein running through the story.

This begs a question; Is it imperative that it is a hitman and not just a person with a strange grudge? Maybe he is a religious nut who doesn't like the stories that he writes and wants to see if the writer actually has a soul, perhaps he's God himself, I don't know.

My only fear is that the really interesting part of the film is kind of stuck in a framework that we've all seen before,  so even though it is so good it is slightly underwhelming.

Specifically

1.Nathan knows he is being tracked to be killed, yet he takes public transport? Not the wisest of moves.

2. He's struggling for breath so presumably he is aware of the immediate danger to his health. Why then is he so amiable to the stranger?

3. The dialogue, particularly from Jeff is excessive.

4. The end of Jeff's speech seems out of place. The film  should end with him killing Nathan and walking calmly, even sadly away. Anything of that speech you think is important should come earlier IMHO.

Anyway, a good job. it would make a very good Noir type film.

Rick.

Jordan,

Whoa, thanks for the praise, I'm honoured being mentioned in the same category as Martin.

I'm glad you liked it overall and thought Jeff was interesting. I wanted to make Jeff not a bad guy as such but just a guy with a job that had to be done, complete with the alienated kids, and sleep-deprivated expression. Even an extraordinarily ordinary name.

Rick,

Thanks for the read, I'm glad you didn't feel I completely sold out! Haha that made me laugh, I've written three shorts and already I've got a reputation to consider...

If I suddenly get an epiphany about a possible motive that would tie in perfectly with Nathan's demise, then I'm gonna write it, but I don't feel it's absolutely necessary at this point.

As for the religious nut angle, I probably won't go that way. The one cliché I hate about serial killer movies is the religious nut angle. the "You must die, because you're a sinner!". It's been rehashed since Seven and honestly I feel people use the 'nut' part as an excuse to have the guy say and act in any way they want.

I wanted Jeff to completely sane, completely collected and completely in tune with what he does. He doesn't hate Nathan, he has no grudge. That, I think, makes the taking of the life even more disturbing because you get a feeling that he really doesn't have to kill him. Like Nathan says: He could let him go and say he missed him or something (Which actually happens to Turturro's character in Miller's Crossing, with dire consequences). But he doesn't.

I agree that the script has issues, and that it is underwhelming in the end. This is, in my opinion, the weakest of my three scripts, but I was just aching to write something with a few catchy lines in it, and who knows, maybe the easy casting, one location and simple premise will make it attractive for production?

As for specifics:

1. Nathan doesn't know he's tracked to be killed. He only knows he crossed the wrong people and that they are probably looking for him.

2. Hmm...Good point. I just wanted him to be running to catch his train, to get out of town, not as a result of him being chased. But maybe I shouldn't have him running in the beginning...

3. Yeah, maybe it is. I can't really defend it. I like his dialogue but perhaps it is a bit too much.

4. I'm not sure about that. I'm gonna have give that another look.

But as always thorough critique. Thanks for that and thanks for reading.

Quoted Text As for the religious nut angle, I probably won't go that way. The one cliché I hate about serial killer movies is the religious nut angle. the "You must die, because you're a sinner!". It's been rehashed since Seven and honestly I feel people use the 'nut' part as an excuse to have the guy say and act in any way they want.

Yeah, that's fair enough. I was just throwing ideas out.

Quoted Text I agree that the script has issues, and that it is underwhelming in the end. This is, in my opinion, the weakest of my three scripts, but I was just aching to write something with a few catchy lines in it, and who knows, maybe the easy casting, one location and simple premise will make it attractive for production?

It's definitely the sort of thing that I could see being produced and the dialogue is excellent.

Quoted Text 1. Nathan doesn't know he's tracked to be killed. He only knows he crossed the wrong people and that they are probably looking for him.

He seems to. As soon as he knows Jeff knows his name he is scared for his life. He instantly expects to be killed.

This might not even be a problem, but it's the way it came across to me.

Quoted Text 4. I'm not sure about that. I'm gonna have give that another look.

I thought it would be more of a shock and would encourage the audience to think about what the film was about if it was more abrupt.

However, if you decide to keep it as it is, the one thing I would do is keep nathan alive while Jeff talks. You know shoot him in in the stomach and have him scrabble about a bit and then finish him off with the final line.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films He seems to. As soon as he knows Jeff knows his name he is scared for his life. He instantly expects to be killed.

I see you point. I should perhaps've made it clearer somehow, but I'm not sure how as it is a bit a of a nuance. He knows he's stepped on some pretty nasty people's toes and knows he should just get out of town, but he's so self-confident he's sure he's gonna get away with it, like he has so many times before when he's been in a tough spot.
Nathan is the kinda guy who talks himself out of stuff (Although this should probably be made clearer too). So when Jeff tells him not to run, it dawns on him what Jeff is, even if he didn't know there was a hit out on him. In my head Nathan was perhaps peripherally involved in some illegalities, but never did any of it himself.

Quoted Text I thought it would be more of a shock and would encourage the audience to think about what the film was about if it was more abrupt.

That's interesting. You could be right. I'm not sure I'm gonna re-write it, or if I do it's probably just gonna happen some day when I'm bored, but I will definitely give this some though.

Quoted Text However, if you decide to keep it as it is, the one thing I would do is keep nathan alive while Jeff talks. You know shoot him in in the stomach and have him scrabble about a bit and then finish him off with the final line.

I like the idea of Jeff speaking to a dying Nathan, but the problem is Jeff wouldn't shoot him in the stomach because he's neither an amateur nor a sadist. It would break character I think, even if I like lullaby effect of preaching to a dying man. I think Jeff is full enough of himself to do that.



[/quote]

S P  O I  L E R S

*
*

Death Monkey,

I read this twice. It's interesting pychologically. I almost got the sense that Jeff would have allowed Nathan a break had he not agreed to take another's life to save his own. I say "almost" because, in the end, I doubt it would've made much of difference to Jeff.

What's even more interesting is that Jeff seems to use Nathan's choice to take another's life as a reason, a rationalization for what he, ultimately, does -- Jeff told him not to let anything come before his child, and he did. I suspect Jeff, being a professional, would've killed him regardless.

Psychologically, this is great.

Others have said that there is too much dialogue. I agree. I think you could say what needs to be said with fewer words. Other than that I haven't any complaints.

Seth

Quoted from Seth S P  O I  L E R S * * Death Monkey, I read this twice. It's interesting pychologically. I almost got the sense that Jeff would have allowed Nathan a break had he not agreed to take another's life to save his own. I say "almost" because, in the end, I doubt it would've made much of difference to Jeff. What's even more interesting is that Jeff seems to use Nathan's choice to take another's life as a reason, a rationalization for what he, ultimately, does -- Jeff told him not to let anything come before his child, and he did. I suspect Jeff, being a professional, would've killed him regardless. Psychologically, this is great. Others have said that there is too much dialogue. I agree. I think you could say what needs to be said with fewer words. Other than that I haven't any complaints. Seth

Yay, Seth catches up on some of the subtleties in the script!

The way I see it, yeah, Jeff would've killed him regardless. He claims reasons don't concern him, but why then the conversational small talk? He could've finished the job right then and there, but he's looking to make his killing mean something. It's not random death if he's punishing Nathan for something. If he's killing Nathan because Nathan agrees to become a killer himself, then the murder has a purpose. Like he says in the end: "I don't just take life, I grant it".

This guy was an auditor for 15 years, most boring job in the world (sorry if there are any auditors out there!), and he felt like his life was meaningless, and now he's in a position where he gives it meaning. Now he gives meaning to other people's lives. At least in his mind.

He would've killed Nathan regardless, but it wouldn't have given him a feeling of self-satisfaction.

Thanks for reading!

I really enjoyed this. A little cliche with the whole hitman deal but it didn't really make me enjoy the script any less. The small talk, the threatening(killing someone he had a wetdream about? ouch lol), and 'giving him a chance' at the end all really made Jeff a cool character. I guess too much dialogue could be a problem for some but I thought it was okay. Although I think that last speech by Jeff could be cut down. You know, make you think about why he killed him after telling him he'd let him live. Just saying "your daughters life wasn't yours to risk" could have been enough of a hint about what he was doing without explaining in detail. Either way, I enjoyed the script, good job.

Great dialouge! Would love to see it as a feature. Perhaps Jeff doesn't waste him right away and Nathan struggles with what he did. Trying to find some one who he believes deserves to die. And zombie movies rock! They rock even harder when you don't know why they are Zombies

Thanks SkyeBlueHue and Tony Ellis for reading Strangers.

Even though I don't plan on doing a re-write any time soon (since this was more of an exercise) it's doubtful the script is gonna change, but I definitely think people are right about the dialogue could be trimmed and such. And maybe I should've left more to the imagination regarding Jeff's final speech. If I do a re-write someday, this will change.

But thanks again.

Hey Death Monkey,

This felt as a narrative. Most of the tale is told through the dialgoue. But I think this is what makes these characters real. They talk about their past and work and etc.

But I think you stalled more time by allowing Jeff to propose that deal of life for life. I understand the purpose for that (as a test) but it seemed obvious that Nate was not going to happen (through Jeff's characterization) especially when Nate questions Jeff's skills in finding out. I think the scene when Nathan asks Jeff how he will find out, Jeff should shoot him there.

You're writing was great. Dialgue was decent but needs a bit trimming though. Hope this helps in any way.

Gabe

Yo Death Monkey,

I didn't particulary like this one - storywise I mean. I kept comparing it to your other work (The Pool and The Mute) and this one falls short I feel. I know it's not fair to do that, but you set the bar pretty high with those two  .

The premise of the story has been done before I think (especially here in the Short section), so that was kind of a let down. Okay, so you put a nice twist on it in the end but it doesn't save it in my book. These assassin stories feels a bit like someone's taking an easy way out (no real backstory and the ever predictable ending).

I think your writing is top notch. Your descriptions are excellent - it felt very Hitchcock. The dialogue is good, though I feel there's too much of it (pretty much everything is told through the dialogue).

It's not a bad script - I just expected more from you. Sorry...

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper Yo Death Monkey, I didn't particulary like this one - storywise I mean. I kept comparing it to your other work (The Pool and The Mute) and this one falls short I feel. I know it's not fair to do that, but you set the bar pretty high with those two  . The premise of the story has been done before I think (especially here in the Short section), so that was kind of a let down. Okay, so you put a nice twist on it in the end but it doesn't save it in my book. These assassin stories feels a bit like someone's taking an easy way out (no real backstory and the ever predictable ending). I think your writing is top notch. Your descriptions are excellent - it felt very Hitchcock. The dialogue is good, though I feel there's too much of it (pretty much everything is told through the dialogue). It's not a bad script - I just expected more from you. Sorry... Cheers Rob

I knew it!

I was actually planning on doing a disclaimer "Not my best work" just to keep people from comparing it to the two scripts I feel are my best: "The Mute" and "The Pool"

This was definitely more of a quick writing excercise than anything. Something that was just fun to do. I reckon kinda like your Terminator time travel thingie.

So you won't get an argument out of me, I agree it's not my strongest work, and the subject matter has been done to death. Still, I kinda like Jeff. I might keep him a rainy day, should I ever need a hitman for a script.

I'll take it as a compliment that you expect more from me, though. You should.

And a re-write will not be coming.

Quoted from Death Monkey This was definitely more of a quick writing excercise than anything. Something that was just fun to do. I reckon kinda like your Terminator time travel thingie. And a re-write will not be coming.

I kinda had a hunch  

Rob

Hello TJ, just read the script. I must say, bravo.

The formatting was perfect, your story is perfect, and the characters were perfect.

The build up to the final climax of your screenplay was interesting, and the conversation was very believable to me. At first I didn't think the guy was there to kill him, and that there might have been a bigger twist.

It was good.

I really enjoyed this one. Do you have any other works that are similar to this one that you would like me to read?

Quoted from Stigmata Hello TJ, just read the script. I must say, bravo. The formatting was perfect, your story is perfect, and the characters were perfect. The build up to the final climax of your screenplay was interesting, and the conversation was very believable to me. At first I didn't think the guy was there to kill him, and that there might have been a bigger twist. It was good. I really enjoyed this one. Do you have any other works that are similar to this one that you would like me to read?

Stigmata,

Thanks a lot for the kind words. Glad you liked the story.

I only have a couple of shorts on this site, but my two best pieces are The Mute and The Pool, both of which I link to in my signature. You could check them out.

Again, thanks for reading.

Hey Death Monkey

I just scanned over some of the previous reviews and most things I was gonna say have already been mentioned.  Great dialogue, maybe a little long at times, good descriptions but for me the story wasn't that original.  This was still a great read but one thing struck me, when Jeff says Nathan's name he immediatly jumps to the conclusion that Jeff's gonna kill him.  I know Jeff says 'don't run' but it seems like a big assumption.

Anyway I'm nit picking cos I liked this, I guess it was the strong dialogue that made it for me.  

Good stuff mate.

Hello T J,

I just now read your script and liked it. Formatting is just fine, the few descriptions that are in it are well-done, and the dialogue truly carries this one.

I must say that the ending caught me by surprise. For some twisted reason I had expected Nathan to take Jeff's life in the end; "Life for a life it is then".

By the way, the "droopy eyes of a suicidal bloodhound" line immediately made me think of Vincent Schiavelli.

Quoted from movemycheese Hello T J, I just now read your script and liked it. Formatting is just fine, the few descriptions that are in it are well-done, and the dialogue truly carries this one.

Thanks, it was a real dialogue piece for me too. Which is both its strength and weakness, I think.

Quoted Text I must say that the ending caught me by surprise. For some twisted reason I had expected Nathan to take Jeff's life in the end; "Life for a life it is then".

That's brilliant. Nathan pushes him in front of the train. What a twisted ending. If I could do an alternate ending that'd be it.

Thanks for reading and the insights.

Quoted from alffy Hey Death Monkey I just scanned over some of the previous reviews and most things I was gonna say have already been mentioned.  Great dialogue, maybe a little long at times, good descriptions but for me the story wasn't that original.  This was still a great read but one thing struck me, when Jeff says Nathan's name he immediatly jumps to the conclusion that Jeff's gonna kill him.  I know Jeff says 'don't run' but it seems like a big assumption. Anyway I'm nit picking cos I liked this, I guess it was the strong dialogue that made it for me.   Good stuff mate.

Thanks Alffy.

yeah, I know it's not that original. It was pretty much an homage-piece, which I think I mentioned earlier. I had been watching a lot of Cohen-Brothers hitmen films (Blood Simple, Miller's Crossing, Fargo) and wanted to one scene in that vein.

About the line of dialogue. I think Nathan knew he was in big trouble and he probably even knew they would send someone after him. but he thought he would get away in time, so when he found out Jeff knew who he was, he only needed to do the math.

It's a bit hingy, but I think it would work if the actor had the right facial expressions to convey Nathan's epiphany.

EDIT: I just realized 'hingy' is a made-up word.

I thought this was gonna happen too.  When Jeff said Nathan had to take a life if he let him live, I thought Nathan would then go back and kill Jeff.  When Nathan asked jeff how he would know if he had done it, I thought this was a glimpse as to say 'you'll know cos it's gonna be you'.

Quoted from alffy I thought this was gonna happen too.  When Jeff said Nathan had to take a life if he let him live, I thought Nathan would then go back and kill Jeff.  When Nathan asked jeff how he would know if he had done it, I thought this was a glimpse as to say 'you'll know cos it's gonna be you'.

Oh, how could I've been so blind...  

Hey T.J., sorry I took so long to get a review up. I completely forgot I owed you a read! Anyways, onto the script.

This is a good hitman script that put's my 'Dirty Business' series to shame. That's not easy to admit, but it's true.

Format is pitch perfect. Everything is how it should be.

Story is terribly original but it is very solid and entertaining. The pacing was great and the suspense was handled well.

The characters are well fleshed out for an 11 page script.  Nathan was a very sympathetic character that I really felt bad for. However, as with most hitman script, I wanna know more about the actuall hitman. It isn't really needed, but it'd still be interesting to see how the hitman ticks.

The dialogue was very strong and real. Nothing came off as forced to me.

Overall, I really enjoyed this script. You really have the formula down.

~Zack~

Also, I'm halfway through 'The Mute' and it's very good!

Hey Zack, thanks for the review.

Glad you enjoyed it. At this point I'm aware of the script's shortcomings in terms of originality, and it probably will be the last hitman script I ever do, but it was fun writing it nonetheless.

thanks again.

What turns out as a casual talk with a stranger really turns ugly in this script.

Now what you have here really makes me feel ill. I find it more horrific then horror or that Saw torture porn crap.  That some one who is about to kill, has the victim on the brink of death and just wants to sit there and spout philosphy or have a nice chat while the victims look death in the eye and wriggles with fear.  

Toying with a victim and delaying his death.  I find this very disturbing and diificult to watch. very unpleseant.

In the country I live hitmen  take out criminal gang leaders from time to time and it is always in public and sudden and happens so quick that victim not even see it happen.

This idea that a hitman likes to have a nice chat before kill is very unprofessional and unrealistic.

But other then that this was very well written. I  liked how the hitman was after a certain reaction from Nathan and was dissapointed when he didn't get it.

Not quite sure why hitman would've thought Nathan would be noble and self sacraficing enough to volunteer to die to prevent his daughter and frineds and loved ones from being bumped off in the future by other hitman if this hit should fail.  (or that's how I understood it)  

Quoted from tonkatough What turns out as a casual talk with a stranger really turns ugly in this script. Now what you have here really makes me feel ill. I find it more horrific then horror or that Saw torture porn crap.  That some one who is about to kill, has the victim on the brink of death and just wants to sit there and spout philosphy or have a nice chat while the victims look death in the eye and wriggles with fear.   Toying with a victim and delaying his death.  I find this very disturbing and diificult to watch. very unpleseant. In the country I live hitmen  take out criminal gang leaders from time to time and it is always in public and sudden and happens so quick that victim not even see it happen. This idea that a hitman likes to have a nice chat before kill is very unprofessional and unrealistic. But other then that this was very well written. I  liked how the hitman was after a certain reaction from Nathan and was dissapointed when he didn't get it. Not quite sure why hitman would've thought Nathan would be noble and self sacraficing enough to volunteer to die to prevent his daughter and frineds and loved ones from being bumped off in the future by other hitman if this hit should fail.  (or that's how I understood it)

Hi Tonkatough,

Thanks for reading!

I guess I could take it as a compliment that the story made you feel ill. John Waters once said the greatest compliment an audience could give him was to throw up.

Not sure about that though haha.

As for the realism of the thing, no Jeff is not a realistic hitman, nor was that my intention. I wanted to convey the profession of taking somebody's life as a kinda everyday water-cooler type job. Jeff LOVES his job. It's more than a job. It's a calling. It's not just about getting the kill, it's about making a difference. Getting a man to change before he dies.

He gives him a chance for redemption. So it's not just idle chit-chat to prolong Nathan's death. Jeff isn't trying to be sadistic. Quite the contrary.