Hey Rob,

Thanks for taking a look.  I'm glad you think the twist worked out.  I was really hoping that the reader would expect the obvious, so I guess it worked out in that regard.

I agree that Davis and Abbey could be blended.  I had initially wanted Abbey's part to be a bit larger, while keeping Davis simply as Ulysses' son and voice of reason.  As the story progressed they more or less fell off the wayside a little.

I've been using the long ages in introductions for a little bit now, and have been considering going the parenthetical route.  The couple of comments here may force my hand a little.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike,

This short surprised me with the twist at the end. I didn't fall for the idea that Alleworth "did it all" business, but it's prob becuase I've seen it too many times. However, I didn't know who was behind it. I thought it was the UFO's.

I think you should start the script off with Ulysses and Davis talking and then have Ben interrupt it. The opening scene where Ulysses says his dialgoue about Alleworth being right appeared to me that he was talking to himself more than to any one else.  

Other than that, I enjoyed it. It was very funny how the other guys didn't know as well.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

The dialogue was very good, but I remember that as being more your forte from Disparity of Devotion.  The introduction to the situation was done very well as we got a pretty good idea of all of the characters based on the one exchange, so the reader is ensconsed in the world of the story with a map and a compass to find their way through.

I kind of follow other folks' statements that the solution, while satisfying as a happy ending was a little complex.  I'm also wondering how canny Allworth is for someone who's supposed to be a wheeler-dealer.  I would think there would be a pragmatic part of him that would think a flying saucer would be kind of dodgy.  

Hey guys, thanks for reading,

Gabe,

I think on a subconcious level, Ulysses is kinda talking to himself.  He's fabricating his little story about golf and what not even though he doesn't play golf in the hopes that he'll either talk himself out of it or Ben and Davis will.  Same with his "yuppie" line and how he plans on going somewhere that isn't any better.

EBurke,

I'm not really sure how to make the ending less complex.  I thought I had written it in a pretty straight forward manner, but I guess i was wrong.  I suppose I could rearrange it a little, but ultimately I would still want the same result.

Allworth, really isn't all that bright, which is why he attempts to make his money from those he believes to be really stupid...yokels if you will.  He also loses a little bit of his shrewdness when he becomes the accused.  His reaction to the UFO is of the opinion that he can't lose.  Either nothing changes, or the place becomes a hot bed for tourists, which goes out the window once the possibilty of the tourists being killed goes out the window.

Thanks again to both of you.

Hey Mike,

Quick read, fun story.

As usual, for you, the characters were well drawn, the dialogue was top-notch and I found the farm folk to be believable.

However, I thought that Allworth could have been a bit more of a villian.  And I also found it hard to believe that the reporter would just leave at the end.  

I can see why it was suggested that the ending was a bit Scooby Do, I think that is because of the rapidity of your wrap up.   If you found a way to extend the ending so that the mystery unfolds rather than having it just revealed then I think the ghost of Scooby Do would stop haunting you.

Excellent job though.    

Mike,
Hello.  I can't say I'm a big fan.  Al the characters bugged me.  They just seemed so fake, which is surprising because usually characters are somethign you do really well with.  Here, they just kind of seemed ridiculous, with no specific traits or anything, and rnadom relationships that ended up not really having a use.

Your dialogue, as usual, was good.  But if you want to make the script better you'll have to change it to give the characters personalities that are more than just "yokel".

I like the twist.  I can't say I was all that surprised, but it was still fun.

Hope this helps.

-Tyler

Hi Mike;
Have to concur on the Scooby-Doo...He would have got away with it too if not for them meddling yokels...It's a typical Scooby Doo Plot line...People using monsters, ghosts, and other tricks to scare someone away from doing something they don't want. Tearing down the amusement park, finding the hidden treasure, and the like.

Character introductions confused me, as I wasn't sure where the story was going...By mid-forties man, I pictured a guy dressed like Dick Tracy or George Reeve's Clark Kent.

Would like to have seen Allworth as a bit more evil; In his mind he's not really doing wrong by these people, in fact he comes off more as a victim to the yokels pranks, as the sheriff attests to in the end.

I'd also expect the reporter to dig alot deeper as far as the concrete facts as opposed to "Oh no, Silver-toothed Skeleton! Run Away!" Suspect they'd be a bit more Velma and investigate the cause more. I'd be immediately skeptical of anything that stretches logic that far. Doubt they be fooled by the smoke and mirrors. Too smart.

I'd have liked the ending better if there was a real alien in the barn, despite what they thought was a prank. Figured the alien needed the silver in the sheriiffs tooth...He goes in according to plan...Bam! Alien rips his head off.
Prank over and things get interesting.

To be honest, it was OK, but a little flat.

Hey guys thanks for the reads.  Scooby Doo and not so developed character opinions noted, again where applicable.

Blakkwolfe,

I was never allowed to even consider an alien being in the barn, or anything else that would fit inside the norm of a story like this.  My instructions were for it to be different, something that's somewhat twisty and not normally seen here.  It was almost a 57 Chevy, but I didn't like the surrounding story.  I suppose now that it' sfully mine I could do anything I want, but I like the non predictability of it.

Anyway, thanks to all 3 of you for looking.

Hey Mike, just finished your script.  I thought it was pretty tight, you got the yokel dialogue down pretty good, for the first couple of pages I thought this took place in the old west


SPOILERS

I thought the set up was pretty c0ol, a mysterious light, dead calf, and a bunch of rednecks hahaha.  I think it kinda fell a bit the end, with it just being a set up to get Allworth out of town, I just think it would have taken more that that, I dunno, just didn;t fit with his character.  I think it would have been cool, after everything is said and done and everyone leaves a real UFO hovers above or something, just a thought.

All in all this was an enjoyable read and the dialogue was strong with some interesting characters.  Good work.

a lot of what i would say (scooby, twilight) has already been touched upon so I'll try and focus on other stuff.

Kinda of in the vein of what the boy who could fly said, the end was a little unsatisfying (when i say this, know that I really like the short all together). the whole "we tricked him" thing seemed way too easy and unbelievable to be it. I think maybe a double twist would have work, where Allworth has a spinnit scene at the end where he reports to his "superiors" that it appears this planet is already marked for invasion, or where after Ulysses leaves it's revealed that the really area aliens.

I didn't buy the Allworth's turns. His reveal of cheating and definitly didn't really buy the "take the contracts" part.  It definetly seemed force which was unfortunate.

The reporting team was ehh to.  They seemed too well quick and efficent for a small town.  Maybe if they were a couple of you upstarts that had all the conviction in the world but were still bumbling they would be a little easier to buy in the small town.

anyway, great read. I love the twilight zone and it definetly had that feel to it. good show.

Thanks J and souterfell for the reads.

You've made some good points and given me some things to think about if I go back to rewrite this.  Some people have brought up the alien thing before, and it may be a good route since I'm no longer "restricted".

Thanks again.