Stratagem by Mike Shelton - Short - A small town on the brink of extinction gets a rapid change of pace in the form of unexpected visitors. 20 pages - pdf, format

Hi, Mike.

I've only read BARBIE ON THE BARBIE. I enjoyed it. I never got around to reading COLD CALL.

One thing I've noticed with STRATAGEM is that you have a lot of widows. Your script will probably be at least a page shorter if you fixed those pesky things.

I didn't care for any of the characters. They could've all gotten blown up and I wouldn't have shed a tear. The twist wasn't obvious, so I guess that's good. Maybe a problem was that there were too many characters. Maybe just have the Sheriff, a bad guy, and then one townie instead of ten.

Thanks for the read, Steele.

Widows?  I'm not sure what you're referring to here.  I can only guess a character name with the dialogue spilling over to the next page, but I went through and couldn't find any.

The general premise of this was given to me by someone else, sans the ending, which I came up with on my own.  Things didn't work out in the end and I was given the go ahead to put it out there on my own.

The additional few characters were in the mostly to show how the town was being affected by Allworth, and how they each had their own thoughts on it.  I guess it could be a bit much, but I tried to put them more in the background near the end.

Anyway, thanks for looking.  I don't recall you reading "Barbie"  so thanks for that one as well.

This is a widow. They waste lines:

OLIVER
Yeah. Well, I only met the mom
and younger son, but they were
nice.

This says the same thing, but it's one less word, and only two lines:

OLIVER
Yeah. I only met the mom and
younger son, but they were nice.

I try to prevent it in my descriptions too. If you can't help but have the widow, add a word or two. Maybe it'll make it a better line.

ETA: I read Barbie,  but I never commented. I really enjoyed it, though.

Hey Mike
Thought this was pretty good:
pg. 5: think you meant "they look to the sky" instead of the look to...
Didn't really care for the style of the age descriptions...ex. "a late forties man", etc. thought the age in parentheses would suffice.

I liked Ben's "any green men" line...the Reporter "edit" line was good too.
I thought most of the characters spoke like they were much older than their actual ages. They reminded me of guys in their 70's. I know they're small town folk, but they read really old.
My overall impression was that it was really unique, some of it did remind me of Slither though. The twist towards the end was well done.
The story picked up a lot of speed around pg 14, the barn scene was put together nicely, it had a equal mix of comedy, horror, and mystery.

Mike,

I enjoyed this. It had a kind of Twilight Zone feel to it -- the way it unfolded, and then of course the reveal at the end.

I also like the characters. They spoke in a way that sounded true to rural people.

The only problem I had was with the end, when it was explained how it was all pulled off. It remined me of Scooby-do. That said, I'm not sure it's necessary to explain each detail -- just showing the pulley is probably enough.

Seth

Thanks for the reads, guys.

n7,

Yeah, I notcied a few other grammar mistakes here and there as well.  Always aggravating to see after the fact.

I see where you're coming from with the dialogue.  What I wanted to do, was keep that small town feel but also accent just how small the town was by having the people use a similar dialect.  I guess it can seem a little old, mainly because of Ulysses and his "hells".

I'll have to check out Slither for a comparison.

Seth,

Thanks for the Twilight Zone nod...that was the kind of feel I was going for and usually have a better result when I delve into horror by going that route.

Scooby Doo...funny.  I can see how you'd come to that conclusion.  I don't know if I truly went overboard though.  There were a couple things I wanted to explain, and treated the reader like they were Ulysses, Davis, and Abbey.  Truly in the dark about everything.  Plus, Scooby Doo had those flashbacks...hahaha.

Anyway, thanks again for the reads.

And Steel...

I see what you're saying about the widows now, and you'll probably find a lot of them in my dialogue (Well, Yeah, and So).  

I've discovered that when people talk casually amongst themselves, it's used quite a bit.  Luckily I haven't brought myself to ending a sentence with "so".  I've heard this a lot as well.

Quoted from Shelton And Steel... I see what you're saying about the widows now...

No, you don't.  He is not talking about the dialogue, per se.

Steel is talking about lines that only have one word on them.  That can happen in dialogue or descriptions -- and you try to avoid them if you can in either case -- and a little rephrasing will usually solve the problem.

You should not use an entire line to convey a single word.  That is a "widow", but I have heard it called an "orphan" -- which may have been the word he meant to use...?

Hey Mike,

Read this while at work today. It was a speedy read due to it being mostly dialogue.

First off I think ABSteel's widows are what Phil and others refer to as orphans. It's basically any dialogue or action that ends with an extra line with only one or two words in it. Doesn't really matter when your just reading for fun, but matters in competitions and does affect the length of a feature, but a script looks cleaner without them too. I usually don't remember to worry about this myself though...

I think this story was good and the writing as well. However, I must admit that it did seem like something I've seen many times before. It even felt like something that could've been on Andy Griffith.

Also would have liked some more visuals. You do good with the dialogue, but it would be nice with some more cinematic cues.

I think you could have dropped one or two carachters and developed the others a little more. Davis for example wouldn't really have been missed.

It was a good read and as usual easy for someone to film.

Okay...I guess the widow thing makes sense.  I can't say that I really look for them though, mainly because I don't think the software is an exact replica when transferred to pdf.

I suppose it makes sense that it could hurt in competitions in regards to length, but I don't enter them.

Honestly, based on the way my descriptions used to be, I'd take the orphans/widows/bastards any day.

I must admit it'd probably be quite humorous to see Andy Griffith with a shotgun and Floyd the barber get vaporized.

I didn't intend for the Andy Griffith comment to be a negative thing, but that's how I pictured it. A small town coming together to chase off the developer that wants to change their way of life.

I know what you meant, pia.  I didn't view it as negative.

This was a fun read. It seems like a sci-fi but completely dialogue driven. Still, I think you pulled it off. The characters were likeable and the dialogue was natural and sharp as a tack. It was refreshing to read a sci-fi themed script where farmers aren't reduced to stereotypical white trash who go off on looney rants. Allworth was the outsider here. I thought his character put an interesting twist on the story and yet, he too was not a stereotype, even for the villain. I thought he was very believable.

The twist was decent. Not sure if I saw it coming or not but I think it fit either way. Although I don't think they'd be able to find a skeleton with a silver tooth. I can't imagine a college using one like that, especially in California. I think it'd make more sense if they just inserted it into the skeleton's mouth. Also, some of the dialogue during the explanation for the red lights felt really cheesy in a Scooby Doo kind of way. "And you were hiding up in the loft the whole time?" Usually, stuff like this is more neccesary than it is cheesy but when it involves Scooby Doo type contraptions that seem like they were made with paper clips and rubber bands, I don't think they work so well. I think the scene would've worked better if the sheriff simply did a demonstration.

Pretty entertaining overall and well-written, as usual. I enjoyed it.

Thanks for the read James.

If I ever see Scooby Doo on the street, I'll be sure and beat him to death.  Casey Kasem may be on the list too.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I wasn't sure about the whole silver tooth thing, but I wanted the sheriff to have some kind of physical trait that would make him easily identifiable in his "altered" state, so I went with it.  I suppose I could have gone with them putting the tooth in, but they may have increased the SD element.

I'll have to look over that aspect again.  A couple people have commented on it, and I honestly didn't think I went into that much detail.  Oh well.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike,

Hehe nice one. That was a cool twist you put in there, I was waiting for Close Encounters here but I didn't see that one coming. Kudos.

I thought most of the characters were fleshed out just right but I think you could've meshed Davis and Abbey into one character. They don't really do a whole lot on their own, so maybe it would better if they were a single character.

The dialogue was, as always, very good. It came off believable and yet not stereotypical.

The only scene I think could use an overhaul is when the enter the barn and start arguing about the light. It didn't work in my book. It came off sort of forced or staged and it slowed down the pace in a situation that was full of suspence.

I don't agree with how you introduce your characters (BEN, a late forties man. ABBEY, an early forties woman). I guess it's a matter of taste but IMO it doesn't sound right. I would have just written BEN (40's).

Anyways, this was good - keep 'em coming.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob,

Thanks for taking a look.  I'm glad you think the twist worked out.  I was really hoping that the reader would expect the obvious, so I guess it worked out in that regard.

I agree that Davis and Abbey could be blended.  I had initially wanted Abbey's part to be a bit larger, while keeping Davis simply as Ulysses' son and voice of reason.  As the story progressed they more or less fell off the wayside a little.

I've been using the long ages in introductions for a little bit now, and have been considering going the parenthetical route.  The couple of comments here may force my hand a little.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike,

This short surprised me with the twist at the end. I didn't fall for the idea that Alleworth "did it all" business, but it's prob becuase I've seen it too many times. However, I didn't know who was behind it. I thought it was the UFO's.

I think you should start the script off with Ulysses and Davis talking and then have Ben interrupt it. The opening scene where Ulysses says his dialgoue about Alleworth being right appeared to me that he was talking to himself more than to any one else.  

Other than that, I enjoyed it. It was very funny how the other guys didn't know as well.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

The dialogue was very good, but I remember that as being more your forte from Disparity of Devotion.  The introduction to the situation was done very well as we got a pretty good idea of all of the characters based on the one exchange, so the reader is ensconsed in the world of the story with a map and a compass to find their way through.

I kind of follow other folks' statements that the solution, while satisfying as a happy ending was a little complex.  I'm also wondering how canny Allworth is for someone who's supposed to be a wheeler-dealer.  I would think there would be a pragmatic part of him that would think a flying saucer would be kind of dodgy.  

Hey guys, thanks for reading,

Gabe,

I think on a subconcious level, Ulysses is kinda talking to himself.  He's fabricating his little story about golf and what not even though he doesn't play golf in the hopes that he'll either talk himself out of it or Ben and Davis will.  Same with his "yuppie" line and how he plans on going somewhere that isn't any better.

EBurke,

I'm not really sure how to make the ending less complex.  I thought I had written it in a pretty straight forward manner, but I guess i was wrong.  I suppose I could rearrange it a little, but ultimately I would still want the same result.

Allworth, really isn't all that bright, which is why he attempts to make his money from those he believes to be really stupid...yokels if you will.  He also loses a little bit of his shrewdness when he becomes the accused.  His reaction to the UFO is of the opinion that he can't lose.  Either nothing changes, or the place becomes a hot bed for tourists, which goes out the window once the possibilty of the tourists being killed goes out the window.

Thanks again to both of you.

Hey Mike,

Quick read, fun story.

As usual, for you, the characters were well drawn, the dialogue was top-notch and I found the farm folk to be believable.

However, I thought that Allworth could have been a bit more of a villian.  And I also found it hard to believe that the reporter would just leave at the end.  

I can see why it was suggested that the ending was a bit Scooby Do, I think that is because of the rapidity of your wrap up.   If you found a way to extend the ending so that the mystery unfolds rather than having it just revealed then I think the ghost of Scooby Do would stop haunting you.

Excellent job though.    

Mike,
Hello.  I can't say I'm a big fan.  Al the characters bugged me.  They just seemed so fake, which is surprising because usually characters are somethign you do really well with.  Here, they just kind of seemed ridiculous, with no specific traits or anything, and rnadom relationships that ended up not really having a use.

Your dialogue, as usual, was good.  But if you want to make the script better you'll have to change it to give the characters personalities that are more than just "yokel".

I like the twist.  I can't say I was all that surprised, but it was still fun.

Hope this helps.

-Tyler

Hi Mike;
Have to concur on the Scooby-Doo...He would have got away with it too if not for them meddling yokels...It's a typical Scooby Doo Plot line...People using monsters, ghosts, and other tricks to scare someone away from doing something they don't want. Tearing down the amusement park, finding the hidden treasure, and the like.

Character introductions confused me, as I wasn't sure where the story was going...By mid-forties man, I pictured a guy dressed like Dick Tracy or George Reeve's Clark Kent.

Would like to have seen Allworth as a bit more evil; In his mind he's not really doing wrong by these people, in fact he comes off more as a victim to the yokels pranks, as the sheriff attests to in the end.

I'd also expect the reporter to dig alot deeper as far as the concrete facts as opposed to "Oh no, Silver-toothed Skeleton! Run Away!" Suspect they'd be a bit more Velma and investigate the cause more. I'd be immediately skeptical of anything that stretches logic that far. Doubt they be fooled by the smoke and mirrors. Too smart.

I'd have liked the ending better if there was a real alien in the barn, despite what they thought was a prank. Figured the alien needed the silver in the sheriiffs tooth...He goes in according to plan...Bam! Alien rips his head off.
Prank over and things get interesting.

To be honest, it was OK, but a little flat.

Hey guys thanks for the reads.  Scooby Doo and not so developed character opinions noted, again where applicable.

Blakkwolfe,

I was never allowed to even consider an alien being in the barn, or anything else that would fit inside the norm of a story like this.  My instructions were for it to be different, something that's somewhat twisty and not normally seen here.  It was almost a 57 Chevy, but I didn't like the surrounding story.  I suppose now that it' sfully mine I could do anything I want, but I like the non predictability of it.

Anyway, thanks to all 3 of you for looking.

Hey Mike, just finished your script.  I thought it was pretty tight, you got the yokel dialogue down pretty good, for the first couple of pages I thought this took place in the old west


SPOILERS

I thought the set up was pretty c0ol, a mysterious light, dead calf, and a bunch of rednecks hahaha.  I think it kinda fell a bit the end, with it just being a set up to get Allworth out of town, I just think it would have taken more that that, I dunno, just didn;t fit with his character.  I think it would have been cool, after everything is said and done and everyone leaves a real UFO hovers above or something, just a thought.

All in all this was an enjoyable read and the dialogue was strong with some interesting characters.  Good work.

a lot of what i would say (scooby, twilight) has already been touched upon so I'll try and focus on other stuff.

Kinda of in the vein of what the boy who could fly said, the end was a little unsatisfying (when i say this, know that I really like the short all together). the whole "we tricked him" thing seemed way too easy and unbelievable to be it. I think maybe a double twist would have work, where Allworth has a spinnit scene at the end where he reports to his "superiors" that it appears this planet is already marked for invasion, or where after Ulysses leaves it's revealed that the really area aliens.

I didn't buy the Allworth's turns. His reveal of cheating and definitly didn't really buy the "take the contracts" part.  It definetly seemed force which was unfortunate.

The reporting team was ehh to.  They seemed too well quick and efficent for a small town.  Maybe if they were a couple of you upstarts that had all the conviction in the world but were still bumbling they would be a little easier to buy in the small town.

anyway, great read. I love the twilight zone and it definetly had that feel to it. good show.

Thanks J and souterfell for the reads.

You've made some good points and given me some things to think about if I go back to rewrite this.  Some people have brought up the alien thing before, and it may be a good route since I'm no longer "restricted".

Thanks again.