It's difficult to review something and offer advice when everyone's already mentioned the things you've picked up on. In particular, I'll second Don's suggestion that Tom test the typewriter before buying in. Think about his situation. The last thing he wants to do is go home, find out it doesn't work, then run out in the rain again to find another one. Besides, considering the two are "the perfect match" so to speak, a testrun might make for a magic moment or at least a good foreshadow.

I was also a little confused about how the neighbors would fight in reality and were very affectionate in Tom's story. Tom's quite aware that the two are fighting. If he wasn't, you could get away with saying he was crazy. I don't know what I'd do about this. I just think it's something to think about. Maybe it doesn't even matter.

Anyway, this was a solid read. I had a feeling after reading Drowned that you were a more capable writer than you were letting on. I think this one proves it. You set an excellent mood here and the twist was fantastic. Once Tom pulled out the finger, he did the exact opposite of what I expected him to do. That doesn't happen a lot. Well done.

Thank you, James! I never thought about using the test to foreshadow anything. I'll think about that and see what comes out.

The characters in the novel aren't the same as the neighbors. I explained that above. He sees both couples as an annoyance.

I'm glad I exceeded expectations. By the way, what did you think was going to happen?

Quoted from ABennettWriter By the way, what did you think was going to happen?

I expected Tom to be freaked out by his "souvenir" and/or be shocked by the fact that he carried out his actions without being conscious. I didn't expect him to care that his neighbors were dead, just be scared for his own skin.

All right. My first thought was to have him wake up and see the finger on the manuscript, but I'm glad I changed it.

The revised draft is up!

Quoted from ABennettWriter The revised draft is up!

???

So what exactly did I just read?

The first draft. I fixed a lot of the small errors and changed a few things. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I fixed the slugline error on page 7. It's amazing what you catch once it's submitted.

A couple of things:

- I don't why I didn't think of this earlier, but when the power goes off you make no mention of how dark it may be in the room. I know it's set during the day, but if there's a severe thunderstorm outside it would probably be pretty dark in the room once the lights go out, assuming his shades/curtains are closed. Then you can have him stumbling around in the dark a bit.

- This has been mentioned, but perhaps there could be a few typewriters to choose from, and one "calls" out to him. This would reinforce the whole destiny angle.

- I like that you added at least one appearance of the neighbor.

- Perhaps, when Tom arrives back home, the power should still be off. This way it would force him into using the typewriter immediately, and also provide a more dramatic (flickering candles, etc...) and darker atmosphere, literally and figuratively.

Anyway, good changes were made. I look forward to reading more of your work.

I really really enjoyed this one.

I've never been interested in writing shorts for some reason. But after reading this, i feel like im going to spend the next hour writing one. Thanks for that.

Aha, I see you used the description we were all talking about in the chat room.  

Well sorry it took so long to get to this, but I read your short and it was something all right.  This was a very enjoyable read, you saw how frustrated Tom gets when the power knocks out, how he needed to really hurry up and beat his deadline, so that explains why he was in such a rush to get the typewriter home.

The relationship between Marie and Frank made it sort of more devastating when the killer offed them both, and the decapitating of the finger for the ring was a nice twist, and certainly brought up the question of what was a better souveneir for good ol' Tom, the ring, or the finger?  

Finally your twist in the end, unexpected and terrific.  I expected his neighbors to be dead, from what happened to Frank and Marie, but didn't expect Tom to have been responsible.  Great twist.

Your short was very well written, I for one was definitely interested in this short, angry when Netscape kept skipping pages when I scrolled down, but that's the internet for ya.  

I'm glad you enjoyed it, BigK. Would you be interested if I made the story into a feature? I've got some ideas that I think might work.

I'm a bit neutral myself.  I think it's a great short, and it could be a great feature too, but it leaves you questioning so much that it may just be good as a short.  But hell, if you made it a feature, I'd certainly read it.

ABSteel,

Just finished reading your short and wanted to relay a few random thoughts...
- Overall, I liked it, but, I was a little let down by the ending for two reason - 1) I kind of saw it coming, and 2) With a premise this creative, resorting to a gorey murder felt, to me, like it degraded the story.  I get the sense you're a smart writer - you have a cerebral premise that near its end trades an intellectual thrill for a visceral one...nothing is wrong with visceral, I just felt it kind of was an easy way out.
- Your twist at the end was also kind of easy to see - neighbor racket, struggling writer with shades of a sociopath, and the ring, kind of reminded me of Secret Window a bit...  I think, in the nature of good writing, your story follows the rules it sets out and it concludes well...but, and this would be up to you, maybe there's another way to structure the narrative to throw the audience out of whack.  I'm also wondering if it's your logline that made it easy to telegraph, "a lonely novelist awakens to discover his fiction has become reality."  You practically give away the ending.  
- Have you thought of turning this into more of a psychological thriller, where his writing and reality converge earlier in the story?  Your narrative is the most interesting in the last three pages.  Up until then, his conflict is - he needs to finish his story by his deadline or he's screwed...It's like your short story is really the opening to a feature....which, some others have echoed it has the potential to be.  Just a thought.
- Please don't take anything I say to hear too much, I'm not the end-all of screenwriting, these were just the thoughts I had....take them or leave them at your convenience....

I'm definitely going to turn this into a Jekyll and Hyde type script, so keep your eyes peeled. I don't know what the new title should be, though. I guess that comes later.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, ka3mapx, and I can't wait to read what you think about the other parts.

Thanks.

Hey AB,

I remember reading "Drowned" and i liked that one, so I gave this a try.

This was good - I liked it. Okay, I did see the twist at the end coming a mile away, but I was pleased with how you pulled it off - cos' it worked. A couple of things I didn't get: How did he know that the typewriter would work and why did he toss his computer on the floor, I mean his work (files) would still be on the harddrive?

I dig the way you write. You keep it short an lean when needed and expand when called for. In my book that's the only way to write. I guess one could argue that some of your descriptions here were a bit too detailed, but since this is a "Noir" piece I guess a little extra detail works. One thing you should look into though is that you tend to overuse "He then", I know it's a matter of taste but it just doesn't look good in my book.

I saw that Mike already mentioned max. number of lines in the description. You should have a look at that cos' some of your paragraphs are a bit bulky. Mike mentioned max. four lines per paragraph, even that, I think, is too much. Try to cut it down to 2 or 3 lines and try it on for size (imo it simply looks and reads better).

The format was spot on, there was just a small problem with the slugline on the bottom of page 7. No biggie.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Look forward to reading more of yours. Keep up the good work

Cheers
Rob