Thanks for reading, Sniper. I caught the slug error after submitting. Gosh darnit! I hate that.

As far as "He then", I guess it's unnecessary. I'll go through and see what I can take out.

Hey.. I was wondering if I could use this script in a Machinima i am going to make.. it would not be for a profit interest but more of an can I do it using a real life script. I have done a few machinima's before but I would like to create somthing unique and I would love to try it using this script. I would of course give you full credit for the writing of this.. and on the off chance anything happens at a later date I would like to include you in the process.. Let me know thru my Email at Flixsl@gmail.com

Abs,
Thought this was well executed. I figured there was a surprise ending in the works, the finger was a good touch.
Only suggestion with the ending would be to add a little more detail. You paid a attention to all the small details throughout the rest of the script, setting a good atmosphere, but the ending was really quick. Maybe a slower buildup from the time he shuts the door to when he sits down?
The story picked up speed on pg 7 with the neighbors. the action was a slightly wordy, but the scenes came across really well, lots of tension. The "plop" of the knife was a great visual effect.

Hey AB

Just found time to read you script. Overall, it was good for me. I was thinking along the way about your descriptions... First, and it has been mentioned, they were a tad long. As well, the one word, well two that come to mind are. 1. Thorough. 2. Sterile.

You were quite thorough in describe the action and yet I felt it was a bit sterile. Meaning it was just DUCKA DUCKA to me. Maybe some emotion phrases.

I will keep reading your stuff, you have the chops.

Not bad.  Let me address something that was bothering me.

Why a typewriter?  He doesn't seem like he's looking for a magical writing mechanism but yet insists on a typewriter.  You don't even address the good ol pen and paper.  Maybe even a
OLD MAN
Raining pretty bad out there.  Couldn't ya just freehand it.

TOM
My hand cramps like you wouldn't believe.

This brings me to my second point.  Why does the old man have power? How far away is he.  I think it would add a lot if the store is dark, candle lit, Tom settles on the typewriter, the power comes back on, but for some reason, unknown to Tom himself, he feels compelled to get the typewriter.

I really wasn't paying attention to the fact of how many pages this forum had, but I read the draft that was posted in the first post, which was a really fun read especially for someone who is struggling to write his first screenplay.  Overall, it was a pretty fast read even for something that was 10 pages.  I do agree about the earlier sentiments that it threatens to drag occasionally, but it wasn't enough to lose your reader's or audience's attention.  

I enjoyed the read.  I thought it was well written and the main character was well drawn.  I did have a couple of issues with it though.

First, I thought there was something missing with his purchase of the typewriter.  I thought either he should a bit less trusting about it - try it first.  Or if he was going to just buy any old machine then the proprieter should discourage him.  There was no drama with the purchase to give it the ability to foreshadow.

The second issue is that the power is on when he returns home and he doesn't use his computer to finish his manuscript. I would be on the computer right away.  If he was just dying to use the typewriter then it would make sense but I didn't get the impression that he had any particular affinity with the machine.

Michael,

I agree with you on your first point. I'll see what I can do to add drama to the scene.

I think I've made it clear why he doesn't use the computer once he gets back to the apartment, but I'll see what I can.

Thanks for reading.

I didn't read anyone else's reviews, ABS, so forgive me if I repeat what other people have said.  I had a few problems with it:

I found some problems with your formatting.  You describe things in ways that can't be recorded by the camera.  For example, on page one:

Quoted Text A spare bedroom has been converted into a meticulously organized office.

How do we see that the office once was a bedroom?

There were other examples, but this should be pretty much cover it.  If thte camera can't record it, you don't write it.

I also thought that your dialogue was a little on-the-nose.  No one talks so straight-to-the-point in real life.  Be a little loose in how characters talk.  Dialog says a lot about a character.

You included a lot of unnecessary scenes in your script.  Tom's entire trip back from the antique shop was an unnecessary page of description.  And, with a ten page script, that's way too much fluff.

My biggest problem with this, however, is that it's too short.  You didn't get it enough time to show Tom's frustration with his computer or his problems with the neighbors.  By springing the ending on us, I had to ask WTF?  It's not a case that it was a surprise.  It was more of a case of 'where did this come from?'  You need to stretch this out and build some suspense for this story to work.

On the bright side, there is a good story here.  It just needs to be better developed.


Phil

Phil, thanks for reading.

We all know what bedrooms look like. There are a few windows. A closet. I know the rule about "Not showing things you can't show on screen," but you can show a desk in a spare bedroom.

I included the driving home scene to show how careful Tom is with the typewriter. Maybe I don't need it. It's something to think about.

I have to disagree with you on a few things. I think I showed his frustration pretty well. I'll think about it in the rewrite. I've been told that I shouldn't show things more than once.

Quoted from ABennettWriter We all know what bedrooms look like. There are a few windows. A closet. I know the rule about "Not showing things you can't show on screen," but you can show a desk in a spare bedroom.

You could better describe it as a home office, or just describe the room thte way it's used now.


Phil

I had a read of this. nice and well wirtten. I like how sweet romantic moment genre is hijacked by blood and guts slasher genre towards the end of script. Talk about the big swap-a-roo.

I liked the dark mood that this tale had. And the premise is pretty intriguing too. What this writer writes becomes reality; that?s pretty interesting. It?s a pity that the script ended right after this premise was introduced.

I wish your ending was your beginning. The script could be so much better if you focused of what would happen *after* the writer discovers his ability than before. Going to buy a typewriter isn?t as exciting as exploring the possible conflicts that a writer which such bizarre abilities could face.

Anyways, it was an interesting read and I think this has potential. I wish you good luck.

Thanks, Z.

There's more to the story that'll come in a later installment.

Bumped for callinsky.