Quoted from ABennettWriter I'm sorry if I was a little bitchy. To quote, "Apart from a few grammatical errors, your dialogue was strong and very believable." As that statement is written, it seems that the dialogue is the one with the grammatical errors.

I meant within the description and format, not within the dialogue itself.

I hate to echo everyone else in the story aspect, but I have to agree that there's not much there.  I think you could have added 10, heck, even 5 pages and it would have been more rewarding and still under 15 pages.  Regardless, what you've presented here does have a strong sentimental and emotional feel to it.  For what it was, I liked it.

I've read through some of the other comments here and it appears that you wrote this for a competition of some sort?  I think for your next piece you should take a step back and just stare at it for a while.  Take your time.  I've read your three pieces on the site and I think you're an incredibly talented writer, but your one flaw is that I don't think enough time is being put into them to truly show off your abilities.  I mean, this was first posted on November 4th and a new draft was up a week later!

Don't feel the need to rush anything.  Let your writing ability do the job for you.  I look forward to your next piece whenever that may be!

Most of my recent pieces were for a contest, but I'm not entering this month. I guess I go over the script so much when I write, I tend to feel that it's final once I finish it. With my next projects, I'll let them ferment before posting.

Thanks for the boost in confidence, and I added you on Myspace.