Hey R.C,
Well done...refreshing to read something so innocent. You had a good sense of intrigue throughout the entire story, kept me wanting to know more. Even though it was only a 5 pager it still had me wanting to know what was behind that door from the beginning.
Think some of Jasmyn's lines could have been simplified a bit, not just in terms of her reading like an older child, but anytime a character talks to themselves/camera a lot it reminds me of Ferris Beuller. Maybe if she looked through the keyhole and had to struggle a little more to open the door...besides that, everything else read well. Good logline also

Hey n7,

Thanks for reading this.  I poured my heart and soul into this and plan on taking it to the Academy someday where I will get all the credit I deserve for it.

P.S. - If somebody named Gwydion happens to chime in sometime soon and tries to say he wrote it and not me... don't believe him.  He tries to take credit for my work all the time.

:-)

Alright, I guess I have to come clean.  You addressed the wrong person, n7.  Gwydion is actually Raymond H. Smith, who penned this.  I do agree with you, though, n7.  The story was intriguing and awesomely innocent.  He could have very easily taken this story to the gutter, but he kept it clean.  To be honest, though, I think I would have liked it clean or dirty, but that's just me.

My bad, I gave the wrong person credit. Whoops a daisy!!!

It's the thought that counts.  What's in a name?

hey, this was an intriguing short piece.   well written, and by the end i was very curious for the end.  i will say i was disappointed by the end, but if that's the way you want to end it, then it's your choice

Hey raymond

I thought this was really good.  I loved the way jasmyn talked to her doll and responded if it talked back.  You built up the suspense well and I was expecting a big shock when the door opened.  When it did I have to say I laughed!

Then I did wonder about the fact that jasmyn is only young and wouldn't know who New Kids on the Block were.  This pales though cos I thought it was a great little short.

Good stuff.

It's hard to write a good review on these 5-pagers after so many other people have gave their own 2 cents, but I thought I'd try.

I have no problem with a child speaking like they're an adult, but you don't really keep it that consistent.  It seems to jump from a 12-year-old's grasp to a 5-year-old's.  Either or is fine, but I think it would be better if she was a tad younger.

No problems with formatting and spelling, I think(you look like you know what you're doing so I didn't try too hard to find any).

I'm on the fence with the ending.  It was definitely a good build up and you definitely took it to the extreme...but I was expecting the other, dirtier extreme(which I guess is a good thing).  As soon as I understood what was going on, I was like, "I bet it's one of those sex dungeons that dominatrix's have."  I guess you used the funniest band possible for this kind of reveal.  I wonder if a kids band like The Wiggles -- or whatever they're called -- would be more effective.  I'll get back to you if something funnier comes to mind.

Having said all this, I still enjoyed it.  If I were to give it a score, I'd say about 3.5/5.

Hope this helps.

I still like this, but I've been thinking of different bands. Sure, NKOTB were awful, but what about something more recent?

Let's just say that I've got "I Want You Back" in my head.

Quoted Text You have to stay here. If I don’t make it back. You have to go get help.

Good line.

You paced this perfectly.  I also loved Jasmyn's personality and the way you built it.

I don't think Mommy should have cried.  Screamed, maybe.  All in all, a good short that was fun to read.

Hey Raymond,

I just finished reading this. You had me going with this one. I wanted to know what was in that room.
I thought it could be her father or her mother was a hooker...

I do agree with the others that this was a cute script, but I felt the ending came completely out of left field. It was so serious, then came the funny ending...

Maybe if the mother had the child listen to classical music all the time, and since Jasmyn is an artist, maybe her mother would talk to her about famous artists or Jasmyn could talk to her doll about famous artists???

The mother could come off as a nut case when she is only trying to expose her child to some culture... that way I think the ending could work.

I liked Jasmyn. She seemed real to me. I think you could even pump up the level of her dialogue even a bit more. Make her seem pretty smart for an eight year old.

I did laugh at the end.  
I just think it needs a little something more.

Just my thoughts (the thoughts of a 21 day smoke free nicotine fiend)  

Cindy