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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Nolan The Security Guard Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nolan The Security Guard  (currently 1537 views)
Don
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nolan The Security Guard by Kamran Nikhad (BigK) - Short - A bumbling security guard on night watch discovers that the very person robbing his bank is his own girlfriend. 13 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Kamran Nikhad
Posted: June 30th, 2008, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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I should've done this earlier so my bad folks.

First, thank you very much Don for getting this up so quickly after the meltdown, I didn't know when it would be up since I basically sent it a day before the meltdown, so I appreciate that.

And secondly, to anyone who reads and gives any feedback, I am both very appreciative of you taking the time to do so, and I am all ears on listening to any critique or ideas to make this short better.


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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sniper
Posted: July 1st, 2008, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey K,

First of all, I would personally not reveal as much in the logline as you do. Save the part about Tina for the script. Just a thought.

I think you have an excellent premise here but I also think the execution lacked a little. My main problem is that most of what happens is explained through dialogue instead of through action. It's the classic question of when to tell and when to show. I personally think you went a little overboard in the telling department - especially in the scenes with Tina.

Also, some of the her dialogue, when referring to how Nolan is not respected at work, that was overkill in my book cos' you had actually already showed us that.

Nolan seems like a real goof ball, maybe a little too goof ball'ish to hold down a job as a security guard at a bank?

Howard is a hoot - I love his character.

When Tina shows it turns it to a very passive scene with not much more than dialogue. I think a little action here and there is warranted, something that can take the crisis to a higher level, cos' the one you've got now lacks a little 'oomph' in my book. Especially the way Nolan sets up Tina needs a lot more tension. It's pretty straight forward as it is. He basically just walks out, picks up the phone and calls the police. Lay some obstacles in his way.

The pay off in the end with the donation is a little underwhelming in my book. Again I feel you should 'oomph' it up a notch or two. Make it a real fuck you from Nolan to Howard.

Anyways, my 2 cents. The story is there but it needs some work, especially the second act. Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tonkatough
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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plot structure wise this is one of the better shorts I have read here. Your story feels complete, the protagonist has changed from begining to end. from zero to hero. It really does pay to have 10-15 page short with a complete story then have an incomplete 5 page short.

Nolan was a bit of a  dumb-dumb. Old style humor remind me of those twits from shows like Mchale Navy or vintage Chaplin.

The writing and format was perfect so I have no comment on that. I liked the story as it is but I will agree with Sniper that you could crank up the antics you already have to make your nice script into a wow script.

You know like when have flash back instead of have Nolan just trip over and bang his head have him trip up on rope, wrap round his legs, ties his leg together, he jump up and down to keep balance, hops across floor tumble over counter.

You know like take it to the next level. watch some Robot chicken. They're the master at cranking it up.      


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alffy
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey BigK

The opening to this made me laugh, some very funny lines.  Nolan and Howard's conversation is great.

I like Nolan's stupidity, although it's a bit cliched with the magazine dropping from his gun but it's still funny.

Tina's double crossing was good, as was Nolan's reaction and subsequent revenge on Howard.  Overall this was an excellent short, very well written too.

My only gripe is with your logline, as Rob also pointed out.  You give too much away, so Nolan finding his girlfriend in the safe wasn't the shock it should have been.  Good script though.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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courhaw
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is one of the easiest reads I've had in a long while. A lot of shorts tend to trip over themselves with too much dead dialogue or action sequences to fill up space. Yours moves along without a hiccup and is well structured.
Aside from some grammatical erros, you're golden.
Nolan showed heart even when he was being dissed by every customer and dumped on by his boss all the way until he got his comeuppance in the end! I was surprised by the twist with Tina, too. His very own gf was fleecin' the city and tried to get him in the process, kudos for that plot device!

Your timing couldn't have been better as you revealed the underlying elements to each character's makeup, the boss with his flawed marriage, and his self absorption and anxiety over losin' his loot.

Nolan and his eventually locating his balls and strikin' back by donating the 30 large to Habitat for Humanity. The way he counteracted his thieving gf by callin' the cops on her.

This short really did have me interested from fade in to end.

What else do you have for me to read? I like your engaging and practical writing style. You really did make the characters pop with your use of sarcasm, clever remarks and with the bank owner, his self-involved attitude.
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Kamran Nikhad
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, thanks a lot for the read, I appreciate that.  


Quoted Text
First of all, I would personally not reveal as much in the logline as you do. Save the part about Tina for the script. Just a thought.



Quoted Text
My only gripe is with your logline, as Rob also pointed out.  You give too much away, so Nolan finding his girlfriend in the safe wasn't the shock it should have been.  Good script though.


I understand what you guys mean, it sort of takes away from the surprise in the story itself, I originally didn't think it was supposed to be a surprise since it was the crux of the story, but looking back at it now, I definitely agree with you on that.

So in the next draft I will certainly fix the log line for any future readers who haven't gotten the story spoiled by this original logline.


Quoted Text
I think you have an excellent premise here but I also think the execution lacked a little. My main problem is that most of what happens is explained through dialogue instead of through action. It's the classic question of when to tell and when to show. I personally think you went a little overboard in the telling department - especially in the scenes with Tina.


Excellent point Rob, dialogue does seem a bit like an explanatory coupe out in this short as opposed to just showing in action.  

The trouble I had with that was trying to find the right spots to show in action when there was instead a word exchange, so I'll definitely do my best to show and not tell for the second draft.


Quoted Text
Also, some of the her dialogue, when referring to how Nolan is not respected at work, that was overkill in my book cos' you had actually already showed us that.


I think I understand what you mean, since we saw Howard and the others treat him like crap already, her explaining it to him is a bit excessive.  

Would you recommend I replace some of that bit of Tina's dialogue with more persuasion with her trying to persuade Nolan to help her out?  Or to just trim and remove those few lines all together?


Quoted Text
Nolan seems like a real goof ball, maybe a little too goof ball'ish to hold down a job as a security guard at a bank?


I see where that could come off as a bit too unrealistic for viewers.  My aim is to show he's a clutts but a clutts doing as best he can since it's a comedy, but I'll definitely try and find a way to make him less over the top goof ball so it could come off as more realistic.


Quoted Text
Howard is a hoot - I love his character.


Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed his character.  Who doesn't love the douche fat boss persona?  


Quoted Text
plot structure wise this is one of the better shorts I have read here. Your story feels complete, the protagonist has changed from begining to end. from zero to hero. It really does pay to have 10-15 page short with a complete story then have an incomplete 5 page short.


Thank you for that, I'm glad to hear the change of character was visible to you as a reader.


Quoted Text
Nolan was a bit of a  dumb-dumb. Old style humor remind me of those twits from shows like Mchale Navy or vintage Chaplin.

The writing and format was perfect so I have no comment on that. I liked the story as it is but I will agree with Sniper that you could crank up the antics you already have to make your nice script into a wow script.


Definitely I'll be sure to do more showing over telling, thank you for the heads up.


Quoted Text
The opening to this made me laugh, some very funny lines.  Nolan and Howard's conversation is great.


Thank you, I'm glad you liked that scene.


Quoted Text
I like Nolan's stupidity, although it's a bit cliched with the magazine dropping from his gun but it's still funny.


I was a bit worried about that, but the thought of scoring a quick laugh made me overlook the cliche' ordeal, though I'll still try and make a more original laugh for this part.


Quoted Text
Tina's double crossing was good, as was Nolan's reaction and subsequent revenge on Howard.  Overall this was an excellent short, very well written too.


Thank you kindly, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

And thank you Rob and Tonka, I appreciate you guys taking the time to give me a read and I appreciate the critique even more.  

I'll be sure to take all of your advice in creating a better second draft.


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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n7
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey bigK, I liked this a lot, I did have a few quick issues that took me out of the story though:
The first flashback could've used a little more, comedic or tragic. It was a great opportunity to add something unique, but it just kind of sat there.
Your style of writing was really effective, lean while still being descriptive.
Howards "just keep the safe...safe" line was great.
Thought Tina gave a bit too much exposition, expcected her to state her reason, but think it could have been condensed some. Also Nolan's character was quick to agree with Tina, maybe some more conflict before he agrees with her would help.
The thirty thousand is a ton of money, but you may want to up it some. for Tina to risk her freedom it seems like a lot, but not not enough to risk a life behind behind bars.
Overall it was really well written, good work!
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