Hey AP. I liked this, very similiar brand of humour to Psychic. But, yeah, i would change the ending. You set it up with the chainsaw to be really funny, but it sort of fizzles out.
The rest is gold comedy. The second restaurant scene where he gets aggro is great.

If you can nail the endings of both these shorts, you will have 2 very good bookends on your resume.

hi Will,

This was a fun read. I really liked the side-effects
However, I think you could do more in the opening scene in the restaurant to show their characters and that he's hen-pecked.  
I was confused with the ending and wondered why the guy from the restaurant was coming to attack the doctor as the implants seemed to have been working in his favour. Overall, lots of good stuff in there.

Best,

H

Will

I said I'd check this out since I enjoyed your "Psychic Meltdown" script. This too is rather...well...short, so its hard to really give any sort of in-depth critique but I'll  still judge it on it is, a scene or snippet from possibly something bigger.

I see you break the fourth wall again by having the main character talk directly to the camera, no problems with this of course its just not something I see too often, just your style I guess.

Again I will say you have a witty handle on the dialogue, I loved the list of stuff I guy does after he has avalied of this product in particular the snow plow and 300 parts. Its obvious the whole set up is ridiculous so there is no point in reading too much into it, you ran with it to generate some laughs and I think you done pretty weel its entertaining for a 3 pager which is all it set out to be in the firt place.

I wasn't so sure about the ending, felt like you were going too much for the big shock closing shot which I suppose something like this needs for it too stand out. Even so the comic pitch and build up amused me enough to like this, good job.

Col.

thanks so much everyone for all of your help.

btw i have revised the ending. if you guys wouldnt mind taking a look and letting me know what you think of the revision, it would be greatly appreciated. thanks so much!

and thanks for posting the revision!

Hey, reread the new version.  I think the endings an improvement, the doctors disclaimer is pretty good.  IMO the issue is its a tad too short to show the effects of the transplant.  It's entirely the two extremes, without any transition.  I would add a brief scene in between him being a loser and him being over the top, or at least build up throughout that scene to him screaming.  that way theres a development that continues up to the fire and chainsaw climax.

I actually found this quite funny. I liked the idea of literally getting more balls! (Though not from a personal point of view, of course). And the idea that the side effects would lead to a burning building and running amok with a chainsaw was a good visual joke, rather than just verbal.

I think it probably works at this length just fine and expanding it would probably lessen it's impact.

I agree completely.

I thought it was hilarious and great for the limited amount of script time that you made available.

9/10.

Hey everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed my work. I'm really quite honored that you guys would think so highly of it. That ending was a bitch- i couldnt think of anything for the longest time so I was hoping the new one worked. and from the responses i got, i think it does.

and a bit of good news concerning the script- some guy recently emailed me and was interested in turning this script into a stop animation short. so i may take him up on the offer...