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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  At Sea Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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At Sea by Harriet B - Short, Drama - On a day trip to the beach, a couple's strainded relationship comes to an end. 1 pages - rtf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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michel
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting cruel story with nice images, concise, but bad FORMATTING....

Sorry. Polish your script before submit.

First script, isn't it?

Michel


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dogglebe
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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The formatting does need some work, Harriet.  You dropped a lot of visuals into one pile, making it something of a difficult read.

The story, itself, isn't really strong enough to stand on its own.  I can understand the challenge of writing a one page script, but I don't think this one pulled it off.


Phil
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JonnyBoy
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Gotta agree with the above, I'm afraid. The formatting is off, and the events just sort of...happen, since there's no time or reason for us to get emotionally involved in the events. By the end, do we care? Not really.

This is just TOO short. I've only read a couple of one-pagers before, and all of them suffer from the same basic problem: there just isn't really time to do anything. There's not even really time to raise questions or create conflict, let alone provide answers and resolution.

So a challenge, yes, but one you've failed to overcome.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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LC
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Harriet, I agree with Michel. For a one-page/no dialogue piece, I think you've succeeded in conveying some pretty nice images/conflict & domestic observations here.

In regard to page formatting (as others have noted) this refers to the way your screenplay is set out. Go to the Screenwriting discussion board, look at the screenwriting class section and the following links/sofware.

PROPER SCREENPLAY FORMAT

Scriptwriting Secrets - Thanks to jerdol

Various opinions on screenwriting format - Thanks to Dr. Mabuse

http://www.screenstyle.com/howtoforscre.html

http://www.blackscreenplays.com/formatting.htm

http://www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Formatting/formatting.html

http://www.storysense.com/format.htm


Look forward to reading something else you may have.

Libby.

Looking at the links some may need to be updated. Also, screenwriting software available - (as others have mentioned elsewhere & correct me if I'm wrong) Movie Magic Screenwriter; Movie Outline; Final Draft; Celtx (latter is free) anyone else chime in if I've left something out.



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LC  -  May 26th, 2009, 8:27pm
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure I understand the theory behind a one page script? Is it to gain interest in a full script you are working on, or is it meant simply to provoke a thought?

Shawn.....><
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dogglebe
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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There is a bit of a challenge in writing one, Shawn.  You have to establish the characters and the situation (and resolve it) in a very short amount of space.  There are a couple of nice ones on the boards.  You just have to find them.


Phil
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Phil,
I might just try one.  See how it works. Have you done one?

Shawn.....><
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dogglebe
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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I've done one or two.  One is from the Bad Penguin series.  The other is my PC vs Mac short.

I recommend that you read Pia's Dangerous World, instead.  It's the better script.


Phil
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks,
You're right. That was a good example. It does seem like a challange to put so much into such a small box.

Shawn.....><
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Zack
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right, get it written.

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Interesting tale Harriet. Not bad for a one pager. Formats a bit off, but that's an easy fix. Get a writing program. Celtex is free and easy.

I'm kinda curious as to what it was that slipped Hughes mind? Maybe expanding this a little would add more of a punch to the end.

2/5

~Zack~


*NEW*

SOMETHING'S OUT THERE - (short,horror)

REPRISAL RECOIL - (short,action,thriller)

*COMING SOON*

DON'T BLINK - (short,horror)

STALKED - (short,horror)
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Baltis.
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Strange...

Badly formated (in doc, as all badly formated scripts usually are)...

Lacking in depth, but to be expected for a 1 page short...

About it on my end.
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colkurtz8
Posted: May 27th, 2009, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Harriet

Regardles of the poor formatting I thought this was an good 1 pager. The tragic twist of fate (Hugh's heart attack) coupled with an intentional act (Anne leaving him) which will bring its own pain and heartache.

Id love to see how it would all pan out, an interesting premise you've got here. It craves expansion and further development though if its gonna go anywhere.

Col.


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michel
Posted: May 27th, 2009, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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Furthermore, I think Anne's lines would be much better in V.O.

Michel


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FDiogo
Posted: May 28th, 2009, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Great challenge, writing something in one page

I liked it though, besides the bad formating.


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