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a lonesome gull cries overhead as Hugh, mouth open, struggles to breathe, clasps his chest - it hurts, bad.
I don't know if it's only me, but at first, I thought Hugh had got some gull excrement dropped into his mouth, causing his chocking.
Thought it's a daring image (I don't want to offense you, I'm dead serious), it could have been a good parable. I can perfectly figure Anne saying to Hugh in the first sequence " You're full of sh*t", announcing that fact.
Once again, take no offense. I think that in an one-page script you have to shake up people. Anyway, that's only MHO.
Interesting cruel story with nice images, concise, but bad FORMATTING....
Sorry. Polish your script before submit.
First script, isn't it?
Michel
hi Michel,
Sorry about the format. I use Final Draft (usually) but that, and all my files plus scripts, is inaccessable after the computer on which they were stored was hacked. I've still got the disk and just hope that Final draft will allow me to install it yet again.
And you're right - this is my first one page script Thanks for the read Best,
It was actually good, I thought. Not bad for a start. You can always get another software. One thing though, you might consider slimming down your paragraphs just so you don't scare readers with huge blocks of text. Nice job.
OMG, can't say I saw it that way at all Michel! I really liked the images conveyed, (as I said in my earlier post).
Somehow I don't think that's what Harriet had in mind - hey, but who knows. Only Harriet can tell us.
Haha. No, I hadn't thought of that at all. I just find the sound of a gull's cry to be kind of haunting and lonesome and thought that sound might work well with that image of Hugh gasping for breath.
Sorry for not responding sooner to all your comments (and thanks so much to all for those) but I've only just had my memebrship validated and wasn't able to add comments until now.
"I just find the sound of a gull's cry to be kind of haunting and lonesome and thought that sound might work well with that image of Hugh gasping for breath."
Regardles of the poor formatting I thought this was an good 1 pager. The tragic twist of fate (Hugh's heart attack) coupled with an intentional act (Anne leaving him) which will bring its own pain and heartache.
Id love to see how it would all pan out, an interesting premise you've got here. It craves expansion and further development though if its gonna go anywhere.
Col.
I wrote this in the hope of it getting produced for something like the Filminute competition but I've also thought of expanding it, to show their lives before this incident and Anne's after. Thanks for the read.
i actually thought it was pretty good. believable characters having a believable relationship. One thing, how would you show that his vision is blurred by sunspots? is that a POV? Otherwise I liked how their actions were being interpreted by each other in the worst possibly light. Maybe set up and explain the heart attack a little better. I didn't immediately think of gull poop, but it was still a little vague.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Thanks for the read and taking the time to post a comment, Jackx. I've had a bit of interest in this but decided to let a friend try her hand at directing it and it is due to be filmed on Saturday. She's adding a few shots in other locations and using a younger cast so it will change a lot in the translation from script to screen. I hope for the best. Thanks again.