Loopy Aussie by D. E. Jett - Short, Drama - A  father calls on his son to resolve a delicate family affair in a most forceful manner. 5 pages - pdf, format

That wasn't bad D.E.  Matter of fact I would go as far as saying it was pretty good.  Liked the way you told the story, even had an interesting message.  

Two things bothered me though.  The first was your action descriptions.  Most of the time you did very well but sometimes you got caught up in detail that would make for difficult casting or finding of props.  I don't think you need to be as specific as:

with light brown hair that hangs down around his freckled cheeks
old green station wagon with brown, wooden paneling
grey suitcase

The other thing was that I still don't really get what Red did. I think you should make this clearer.  I'm pretty sure I understand everything except for that.

Cheers,

Michael

Hello again,

I agree with Mcornetto when he mentioned the description of the
young boy. It's TOO specific and can be difficult for people who
want to produce it.

You really have talent- proven by your dialogue and great descriptions.
I liked the theme behind the story. But i read it twice and can't figure what Red did.
Hopefully you can comment and i can understand. Or maybe i'm not supposed to know.

Anyway, good job!

Bryan

SPOILERS

Hey guys thanks for the read. While Eddie Derry is obviously the main character in this one, we follow his conflicts and motives through the eyes of his young son, Jack Derry.

That might be why you're over thinking this one a bit.

Imagine yourself as a young child - about 11 or 12. You aren't naive but you aren't entirely privy to all the affairs of the grownup world either. I think all of us had a moment in our adolescence when our parents would lock themselves in a room and fight or argue or just be angry in general. We might not have understood explicitly and completely what they were arguing about but we could empathize with their emotions.

I tried to write Jack in this manner. He is basically an extension of his father, Eddie. I can’t come out and explicitly tell you Eddie’s motivations because you’re experiencing this world through Jack's eyes. Sorry.

However, reading this as an adult, I’ve provided enough of a hint in the phone conversation and in Jenny’s demeanor for you to put the pieces together yourself.

Dave

Quoted from d.e. jett However, reading this as an adult, I’ve provided enough of a hint in the phone conversation and in Jenny’s demeanor for you to put the pieces together yourself.

No, you haven't.  That's what Bryan and I are telling you.

Point taken. And you're right, I don't explicitley reveal it... but I do hint at it whatever "IT" is. I can't neccessarily say that I even know what IT is, because I don't think the story requires it. I mean I have my own idea of what happened to Jenny just like you and Bryan, however, I think revealing the inciting incident wouldn't be true to Jack's perspective on life.

I may be entirely off base here, but I'd like to see what the general consensus is after next week. I really appreciate your input. Thanks!

Hey Dave

Thought this was pretty good.

You need to watch your format a bit though, character introductions should by capitalised and later in the class you didn't really introduce the teacher or the principle.

I get what the others are saying about to much detail on irrelivent objects, this just slows down the reading.

As for the phone call, I'm not entirely sure either but I can make a quess it has something to do with Jenny, Red and camp. If this is way off then you do need to make it more clear, if this is right then I wonder why Red went to the camp and Jack never?

Your writing was good though throughout and it was an enjoyable read.

Alffy,

Thanks for the response. I'll correct those two formating issues you brought up and trim the description on the 2nd go around.

Also, you're right on with your assumption.

I'm not sure that its terribly strange that Red went to camp while Jack didn't.

If you look back into the story, Eddie drives a good ways into a bad part of town to hunt Red down. Jack has never met Red or seen him before this moment. I doubt they even go to the same school.

I appreciate all the input guys. It's giving me a great idea of what needs to be fleshed out and what needs to be cut back.

Dave

Hey Dave,

Woo! You're now using PDF files! Okay... the font isn't the correct, standard scriptwriting font, but at least its a PDF file! What software are you using to write scripts?

Ok, the description for Jack is too detailed... "JACK DERRY waits by the window with nervous anticipation. Jack is about 11 years old, white, scraggly, with light brown hair that hangs down around his freckled cheeks." could easily be "JACK DERRY (11), waits at the window with nervous anticipation. His brown hair hangs down by his cheeks".

Your descriptions are good, but are too detailed mate. They take up unnecessary space. But, there is an improvement since Harmonica Man... Your descriptions are crisper.

Eddie Derry needs to be in capitals, seeing as its the first time we meet him. So does Jenny's name. As does Caroline.

Okay, get rid of the "CUT TO's" everytime you're going to a new scene... They take up unnecassary space. I only use them when indicating a very fast cut edit. Not for every new scene...

Bottom of page 6... When Eddie is on the phone, the dialogue should read this:

                  EDDIE
            (on the phone)
         Hello?... Yea? Well, what’d the
         little prick say?... Damn it Charlie,
         not good enough! I wanna speak
         with your boy!... Hello? Charlie?!

This way, we know that he is talking on the phone, and that there are pauses (obviously when the person on the other end is talking to Eddie). As it reads, Eddie is just talking, without any pauses.

Page 4- INT. CLASSROOM- Why is Jack's name in capitals? This isn't the first time we've met him... but yet, neither his principle, nor his teacher's name are in capitals, yet this is the first time we meet them. And, I think you should give Jack's Principle a name, as opposed to calling him Principal.

The bully needs to be in capitals as well... And once again, how do we know that he's the "bully of the group"? He is twice Jack's size, but this doesn't necassarily make someone a bully... you need to show us, not tell us that he's a bully.


Okay, I really enjoyed this script. A lot more than Harmonica Men... This flowed a lot nicer (mainly due to the more concise, effective description/ action). I actually liked how we never found out what Red did... I can use my imagination. Ambiguous endings are always effective, and are personal favourites of mine.

Your descriptions, although you have improved them, and made them more concise, they are still too detailed. Specific things (such as the colour of a suitcase) aren't important to the story...

Also, when a character is first introduced to us (ie, the first time we see them on screen), their name should be in capitals. Apart from that, their names shouldn't be in capitals.

But yeah, I enjoyed this script. No real problems, just a few formatting things, and minor changes mate.

Cheers, Toby.

Toby,

Still using Microsoft Word. It's such a pain in the neck! I'm asking for software for Christmas... Anyways, you'll have to bear with me until then.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm still working on my descriptions. I'm coming to find how minimalistic screenwriting is.

I'll scale back on the CUT TO'S and make sure to capitalize on introductions.

I'm going to leave the grey suitcase scene as it is. It's one of the major scenes in the script and I can't omit it. It's the first time we see Jenny and she's carrying the giant grey suitcase - a metaphor for a heavy load or burden which Jack will ultimately lift off her back, which he does by avenging her in the end with Red. It really foreshadows the entire story and sums it up in a simple yet effective scene.

I guess I could scale back on the description with old green station wagon with the wooden paneling and the ripped jeans and so on... but even that scene is important to describe the Derry's socioeconomic standing in the world. Much more effective than just saying "A poor looking house".

Anyways, again, I really appreciate this feedback. It's definitely helping.

Quoted from d.e. jett I'm going to leave the grey suitcase scene as it is. It's one of the major scenes in the script and I can't omit it. It's the first time we see Jenny and she's carrying the giant grey suitcase - a metaphor for a heavy load or burden which Jack will ultimately lift off her back, which he does by avenging her in the end with Red. It really foreshadows the entire story and sums it up in a simple yet effective scene.

Just as a note.  That isn't at all how I interpreted that scene or the entire script.

Hi D.E.Jett,

I liked your script, but not completely.

I was wondering why a school would allow a child to leave early?  If the father spoke over the phone or in person.  With all that alcohol from the empty cans of beer.  Surely his speech would have been effected?

Also, after reading the comments above.  I have to side with the others.  The story presented to us at the beginning is kinda ambiguous.  There is a connection with Red and the beginning.  But what?

If Jenny has been bullied or hit, then the suitcase metaphor is new to me.

All the best,


Javier

Jayrex,

To address your questions, with the alcohol. I thought about this early on as well... and you bring up a valid point. Actually, I orginally thought about having Eddie walk into school and take his son out of class... but again, he would probably reek of alcohol. I don't know... Some alcoholics actually function better when loaded. Leaving Las Vegas is one example, where Nick Cage can't sign his own name on a check sober but he can drunk. Surely a functioning alcoholic would be capable of making a phone call.  Eddie could be one.

As far as the story being ambiguous at the beginning - I entirely agree with you. I wrote it that way on purpose. We don't know what Red did because we're watching it through the eyes of Jack, an eleven year old kid.

I LIKE the fact that Jack trusts his dad enough, (despite Eddie's setbacks as a role model) to pound a bigger kid into a bloody pulp for no good reason just because Eddie tells him to.

Now that being said, I may still change the ending and have Eddie reveal why he had Jack pumel Red. Like I said before, if the overwhelming majority prefers the story that way, I'm all for it.

As far as the suitcase metaphor goes, you're right - being bullied or hit probably wouldn't indicate a heavy burden as much as much as sexual abuse or rape.

Dave

Quoted from d.e. jett Surely a functioning alcoholic would be capable of making a phone call.  Eddie could be one.

To coin a phrase, point taken.  It may just be possible.

Quoted from d.e. jett I LIKE the fact that Jack trusts his dad enough, (despite Eddie's setbacks as a role model) to pound a bigger kid into a bloody pulp for no good reason just because Eddie tells him to.

I liked the ending.  It does remind me of back home in N.Ireland.  People do get beat up for no reason.  I was once beat up by six people once when I was a kid.  It happens in rough areas.  So to me, this is a fact of life.

Keep up the good work, and I'll try to keep an eye out for anything else you've done.

Quoted from d.e. jett I'm not sure that its terribly strange that Red went to camp while Jack didn't.

By this I only meant that there was an age difference between them. I wasn't implying that Jack was Red's friend or anything. I did get that Red and Jack didn't know each other so that bit worked fine for me.

Hey d.e. jett

Interesting story you have here, huge room for potential. At a very restrictive 5 pages it was never gonna be developed fully & I did feel there was something lacking when I got to the end.

I lot has been said above & I don't wish to dwell on the same points here but a few are justified, i.e clarity concerning what happened between Jenny & Red, descriptions of  character features, though well written are needlessly over specific, formatting etc.

Just a small note about Jenny as she "drags a heavy grey suitcase up the walk” while her tearful mother waits by the car dreading having to tell her husband whats happened  – Do you think the Mother would have let her carry this in after the ordeal we believe Jenny has just being thru?

I know you are going for a message there, symbolising a burden, heavy load on your shoulders etc but I don’t think it really works.

It’s an intriguing idea you have here & a real formidable antagonist in Eddie. The father like son theme is touched on with enough subtlety but without it being forced or over zealous in terms of Jack character anyway, he is reluctant to become like his father & he knows somewhere in that young mind of his that this probably isn’t the right way to go about things. That’s what I got from him anyway.

Having said that some of my my favourite lines were:

Eddie opens a fresh
beer. Jack looks up at his dad in silent wonder.

He slides out of
the truck timidly, and looks back to his father one last
time for reassurance. Eddie waves him on.

Maybe a shot of jack’s reaction to Eddie’s compliments at the end would give the audience an idea of what path Jack is lightly to take from now on, embrace his father's way of handling things or reject them.

I'd like to think the latter cos Jack seems like a good kid.

Anyway good read for a 5 pager. I'd have to file this under "difficult second album" as I was blown away by your previous effort "Harmonica Man". Best of luck.

Col.  

Hey Col,

Thanks for the read. I actually wrote this one at work a couple Tuesday's back while I was bored and really wasn't expecting it to garner much attention. Anyways, it is what it is. I hadn't thought about developing this one further, but thanks for the suggestion. I do like Eddie and could possibly do something there I suppose.

Yea, everyone seems to dislike the suitcase introduction for Jenny. Any suggestions? Ambulance? Hospital scene? Mom carrying her up the walk?

I'm open to suggestions.

In response to you question about whether her mother would let her carry the suitcase up the drive - When I picture the scene in my mind, I see Caroline in a state of shock, crying, trembling, in nervous anticipation of what Eddie will do etc. She isn't in her right mind.

At the same time, Jack does come out to help her - and that helps alleviate Caroline's responsibility to help Jenny in.

Like I said before, I'd be open to any alternatives. Thanks again for the read!

Dave

I read this but I found the writing unlcear. I think it was the title that made it so bloody hard to concentrate on your story.

This Aussie as in Australian? right? I'm an Aussie and found this script so alien and weird it kept distracting me. A huge tanned Neandathal who was chopping up a huge chunk of cow meat in his kitchen? A mail box on a post? A giant yellow school bus? The only place I see this is on American TV shows about deep south America.  

Is this suppose to be about Australia or an Aussie living in Missisipi or something?

Your action I found a bit to heavy and colorful like writing you would see in a novel. "churning the cold dry air like a locomotive"  or "curl fists into ball of iron" stuff like that. It slow down the read. You need to have it read fast.

Sorry I didn't sit well with this one but will look out for other scripts you do.

Not a bad script, but really has room to improve. From your posts it sounds like you were making a sort of commentary on child/parent relationships.

A father would do anything to protect or avenge a child he loves, no doubt. Where the script fell short (to kick a dead horse) is what the event was that is causing the need for the avenging. Jack obviously loved his sister and respected his father. He deserves to know what happened and your audience needs to know. If not, we don't really care about the characters we are supposed to care about.

Good dialog, good descriptions (could be shaved down, already discussed).

James

You crazy aborigine folk.  I don't know about yous.

(I've made some Australian friends at this site, so I'm just poking some fun at them.)

I know a lot of people said your descriptions are too detailed.  In my opinion, forget that.  It's your story and you can be as descriptive as you want to get a picture into the readers head.  If you want Jack to have an outie belly button, give him an outie belly button, no one should argue with you.  Jack's your character.  What if the producer or director happen to have a nephew with light brown hair that hangs down around freckled cheeks and an outie belly button... You just won their hearts over, that's what.  If the director doesn't, he can make the changes needed.

Important point short:  Do whatever you feel you have to as a writer to get the picture into the readers head.

The story works for me.  I did like it, though I think there is room for improvement.

To me, the story didn't come off as serious as I think you wanted it to be.  Maybe it had something to do with using the wrong font, (Courier or Courier New, by the way).  I knew something happened to Jenny, but other readers might not have caught on.  I think that does need expressed more and believe it or not, it will push the story and anticipation of coming things a lot better than just leaving a subtle clue here or there.  I think this is a story that could use a little 'over the top' characterization on Jenny.

You also said earlier that obviously Eddie is the main character.  I don't see that.  To me, you had Jack at the forefront the whole time.

I did like it, though.

Sorry to leave so brief, but I'm about to get kicked off the computer.

- Mark

RC,

Thanks for the feedback and the encouragement. I do tend to indulge myself when it comes to describing the worlds I'm aiming to create. I'm still trying to find a happy medium.

As mentioned previously I've been using Microsoft Word to write my screenplays and do use Courier font... for some reason it transferred wrong into Adobe. But you're right, it does look more like an Arial font or something??? Still working on getting that software.

Thanks for the advice on Jenny. Looking back over the replies it appears the general consensus is for MORE CLARITY on the inciting incident for this story. I have no problem altering it that way if I decide to do anymore with this one.

Eddie is the Hero (Anti-Hero) of our story due to the fact that it's his motivations that drive the story forward. You're right in the fact that we see the world entirely through Jack's eyes, but isn't always the determining factor for Hero Status. Think The Great Gatsby or To Kill a Mockingbird.

While he uses Jack to drive the conflict, Eddie's interests and motivations are at center stage.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll take a look at some of your work sometime.

Dave