Quoted from Grandma Bear At the same time your writing could be trimmed, you waste space by doing things like WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! When that could easily have been written as WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM on one line.

I think that, by placing all the WHAMs together, I picture Joan getting quick smacks on the head.  By separating each one, I picture a wind-up with each hit.


Phil

Yeah, that was why I did it.

i thought it was more accurate as regards the screen time.

My comment was more in regard to someone complaining that 17 minutes was too long for this. What I meant was, if this script was trimmed some in its descriptions and such, it would automatically shave a couple of pages off. In other words, this short would not play on film as long as the page count suggests.... Does that make sense or did I just make the water murkier?  

I understand what you're saying. It's just that Phil's interpretation was the correct one. I'm imagining Punch really winding up between whacks rather than just quickly banging on Judy's head in rapid succession.

So the screen time will run like I'd written that segment and I'd be cheating by doing it like you did.

I tend to write my films to as close to 1 minute per page as possible, so I'd imagine if filmed as it is, it would run at the exact length that it currently is.

So around 16 minutes 30. Any long description I use is intended to give an idea of the length of the shot intended. So I'll probably make cuts in the length by removing scenes, rtaher than trying to cut it in post.

Hi Rick,

Just read your script and thought it was very good.  Great visuals, good dialogue.  Quick & easy to read.  Well written overall.

Your story was a unique story and very interesting.  It's the ending I think needs more to it.  I was thinking what's going to happen next?  Especially for little Timmy.  The kids just lost his mum and he's holding his dad's hand.  If the kid is say 4/5.  He'll be devastated, crying his head off.  With Timmy talking his dad's hand, it felt like he's accepted the situation and moved on.

Even though I feel the ending is unresolved, I think the rest of your story is very good.

All the best,


Javier

I'm not really sure what to make of your script.  I'm going to be honest and say that I basically knew where it was going the minute Joan was introduced.  And so, for me, it really became an experience of thinking "Ok, when is she going to die?" in my mind, the whole way through.  And then when she did die, I was more like "Ok, she's dead...that's pretty depressing."

For me, I didn't really know what I was supposed to be feeling during the script.  I went from thinking that Thomas was a crazy nut (and disliking him for it) to thinking that Joan is a nagging annoyance (and disliking her for it).  Perhaps you could make us kind of feel something for Thomas?  Show that his intentions are good (to change the world), but he's off his fucking nut.  You might have been trying to do that, but I just felt like he was evil the whole time.

So I don't really know what I'd suggest to remedy this script.  Basically, it would take a whole new track, not resulting in his wife's death.  And if it were going to, you'd have to mask it early on.  But you have to understand, a lot of stories have been told like this, so it was pretty easy to see where it was going.

Sorry for the rambling.  It's sometimes harder to organize my thoughts for shorts because I'm hit with so much in such a short amount of time, and the ending is usually WAY more important for such a small time frame.

Cheers for the read Dressel,

I agree that it is a predictable. What I was going for was the feeling of suspense, you knew it was going to happen, but I wanted to build the tension as it went.

It's a common problem for people that Joan is annoying. I am forced to agree and that obviously harms the tension as well...

...The ending is a let down for everyone in one way or another, so there's only one solution:

Re-write!!!

Make it less predictable and a lot more violent.

First time I've read it in a year or so. I can see lots of bits and pieces to change. I did buzz off Thomas though, I have to admit. The right actor will have a field day with him.

Hey Rick, just found this, thought I’d give it a read.

I took page by page notes, which are mostly grammatical/technical things, and I know you probably don’t give a shit about them, since you’ll be filming this yourself.  I have an editing background, so I just can’t help myself…sorry.

I’ve also read all the feedback, and firstly, I want to say that I had similar feelings to Phil’s initial post.  Some of your descriptions didn’t work for me or make sense.   Omitting the ages of your characters was also a problem, IMO, as I couldn’t visualize anyone.

Story-wise, I liked this.  Puppets are creepy, IMO, and you have unlimited opportunities here to ratchet up the creep level in the basement scenes.  I don’t feel you’ve adequately done that on a written level, but I’m sure you’ll pull it off successfully in a filmed version.

I don’t think Thomas should be a full on “hunchback”.   It’s to cliché that he is going to be evil. I also doubt he’d be in a normal relationship with a normal woman, but I could be way off on this theory.  I feel his transgression into a scary psycho would be more effective if he came off as more of a normal person right off the bat.

I agree with the others that the end is somewhat of a letdown.  I’m not sure you need to show the actual violence, but the way its worded just didn’t quite work for me.  A possible idea is to have the camera on Timmy’s face as he’s delivering the blows…maybe something in Timmy’s eyes lets us know that Timmy will follow in his father’s footsteps.  I don’t know…tough call, but the way it is now didn’t work the way I think it could and should.

The dialogue was pretty good, IMO, but I’m not a fan of such big blocks of dialogue being spoken by 1 character. ..which brings up another issue of debate.  A few mentioned the running time, as well as page length.  First of all, I agree that it could be trimmed down, page-wise.  You said that it would pan out to be pretty close to 1 page equaling 1 minute of film.  Dialogue is deceiving, when it comes to run time, IMO.  Short lines of back and forth dialogue go very quickly in a filmed version, but take up more space, based on the fact that you have to continually use the character’s name in a dialogue box, as well as the empty lines.  But long blocks of dialogue, spoken by 1 character, actually takes up more time, just based on how we speak, but takes up little space, per the fact that there aren’t any blank lines or need for continual character names in dialogue boxes.  A quarter page of unbroken dialogue takes way more than 15 seconds of film time, but takes up such a small amount of space.  There’s a lot of dialogue here and a lot of long blocks of dialogue. Not sure how this would actually pan out in film time, but I think it’s something to think about.

Characters –I thought they were pretty good.  It’s tough to get much across in a short like this.  I’m not sure why most didn’t like Joan. I did like her and think she came off very real and believable.  I was fearing for her, more than Timmy, cause Timmy didn’t do much, nor did he speak.

Overall – I liked it, and I usually don’t say that.  I’d play up the creepiness of the puppets, as well as Thomas’ descent into madness.  I’d alter the end for more impact, and I’d cut down on the long blocks of dialogue, as best you can.  I also agree that Thomas should be more in “character” with Punch and speak in creepy/insane ways in the finale.

Good effort here.  Best of luck with this.

Page by page notes

Page1 – No age given for Thomas.  Without an age, it’s impossible for a reader to get a visual.  EDIT – No ages given for anyone, which IMO, is a problem…especially when you’ve got a young kid involved, as ages for children are very important in terms of what they’re doing in life, and how they talk/act.

I’m not a fan of blocks of text over 4 lines.  This 6 liner has an obvious break in the 4th line.

Page 6 – “JUDY and the BABY are surrounding PUNCH, shouting at him:” – Very unnecessarily passive.  Easy fix by replacing “are surrounding” with “surround”

“Punch is shrivelling under the pressure.” – Same thing here, also, spelling error (shriveling).  Should just be “shrivels”.

Page  7 – The title comes in at Page 7?  Almost half way through your script.   I don’t like that at all, and don’t see why you’d wait this long…or even give a prompt for the title in a short like this.  EDIT – Is this supposed to be the tile of the short film he’s showing? It doesn’t read that way, IMO.

I also don’t like camera directions, even though I’m sure this is here cause you’re going to be filming this yourself?  IMO, no need for this stuff in a spec script.

2 examples in a row of “starts to” – I am always against using these types of phrases.

Why is “the baby” showing up as “the BABY” again and again?

General note – An awful lot of missing punctuation in terms of apostrophes, showing possession.

Page 8 – Why is “ON SCREEN” right aligned?

“Punch is walks…” – take out “is”

“began to” – Argh!

Page 9 – “Thomas turns of the projector light and walks over to the wall to turn on the main light.” – “of” should be “off”.  Also, this is an awkwardly phrased sentence, IMO.

General note – Am I to assume this is the entire “movie” being shown?  It’s like 1 minute long?  What is Thomas thinking?  I don’t get it.

Page 11 – comma between “me” and “you”.

“starts to cry…” – I just dislike these “starts to” things so much.  No place for them in a script, IMO.

Page 12 – “period” missing after “yourself”.

Page 13 – “He needs and education…” - “and” should be “an”

“Thomas walks over to work surface. Puts his dolls down.” – missing “the” between “to” and “work” – also, this should be 1 sentence, connected with a comma.

“He grabs some paint from on his desk and starts to apply it to the face of Joan.” – Very awkward – “Joan’s face”

Page 15 – An incorrect break in the long dialogue block.

“Timmy and Joan are crying.” – Sounds bad this way…way too passive.

Good review Jeff.

I'm glad you liked it. It is aimed at the likes of you, after all.

All the formatting points are correct as usual.

You picked on a point that I wasn't sure how to convey: The 1 minute movie.

Obviously I couldn't have a longer film as it would be intrusive and boring. I also thought that if I did something like start off the film and show that they (Timmy and Joan) didn't like it and he fast forwarded it to the end or something, it would just waste time as well. So I settled on him making a stupid, OTT film that tried to deal with a serious issue that failed and hoped people would just accept the inherent absurdity of it.

I do like the script myself, I have to admit. It's far from perfect, but the idea of this nutter dressed in a stupid outfit killing his wife and thinking he can take over the world from his basement makes me laugh. I suppose there's a bit of us all in there somewhere...

I think you could be right about the dialogue running time, it's one of the reasons I want to cut it down a bit.

Yeah, Rick, I agree, the 1 minute movie thing is an issue, and a tough thing to "fix".  Maybe if you were to show just certain "scenes" from it...or flashes of it...the violence, the absurdity...make sure "we" know that you're only showing bits and pieces of it, it would be more effective, or realistic.

You touched on a good point in your rebuttal here, and one that I don't think is played up enough...

The real story here is that Thomas is indeed whacked and does think he can change the world through his puppeteering. It's definitely touched upon in several places, but for me, it didn't really hit home until you just said what you said...the way you said it, if that makes sense.

IMO, he is already crazy but just hasn't quite gone over the edge.  Maybe an event pushes him over.  I kind of was led to believe that, based on his movie, that Joan was cheating on him (kind of back to my issue with him being a hunchback, with a normal woman - maybe she's been cheating all along, but just now got caught).  It almost came across that the reason he showed her the movie, was to let her know that he knew, and what he ended up doing, was based on that knowledge.  I don't know...maybe an incriminating call, a letter...something that would literally push him over that threshold into stark raving madman, capable of brutally killing his wife in front of their son.

Potential is definitely here for lots of creepy and freaky scares.  Hope it all works itself out.

Jeff,

I made all the corrections you suggested. Just wanted you to know that you didn't waste your time.

One thing:

The camera directions. I can understand your point about using them in spec scripts and it's a common complaint that I see.

Personally I follow my own rule that if I have to take more than 30 secs to a minute to think of something different, I just leave it in.

Just for purely academic purposes, what would you do instead?

The transition is a decent one to me. Push into the puppets eye so the screen goes black. This gives the impression that the film has come from Punch's imagination which foreshadows/supports Thomas's descent into madness. It also cuts out the need to show all the mechanics of him creating the film itself. The Pull back then gives us a nice establishing shot for the next scene.

I tend to find that it can take a very long time to try and find another way to say it and often it's not as clear as to what is supposed to be going on.

So, what would you write?

Rick

Rick, I totally understand your "rule".  It usually does take longer than that to come up with an alternative, and if you're shooting it yourself, who cares, right?

I'm not sure I follow you from there...you ask what would I do instead...instead of what?  The camera directions, or the use of the 1 minute movie?  Let me know exactly what you're asking here.

Also, not sure what you're referring to in your next paragraph.  Is this an idea you have for eliminating the movie, or what?  If so, I think it is a good idea.  But, you have to make sure that Joan and Timmy are in the basement for some reason and Joan says something to set Thomas off.

Let me know exactly what you're saying here and I'll give you my $.03.

I'm talking about the camera directions.

I'm not talking about eliminating the movie.

The only camera directions in the script were when Thomas has found the camera and starts to play with it. It pushes into to Punch's eye and then pulls back out to the basement, later on.

What I said  above explains the transition.

I'm just wondering how you'd replace the camera directions.  

Oh, OK, gotcha.  I'll give it a look.

So, you're referring to these lines, right?

"The camera turns on with a PING, framing Punch's face. The camera tracks in until the black pupil fills the screen… "

"The camera pulls back."

The end result would be fine for both of these. I agree with you that it is a good transition.

To me, though, for a spec script, it's actually a bit confusing, because when I read "the camera...", and I know that Thomas just pulled out a video camera in the script, I'm not sure if you're referring to Thomas' camera, or the one you're going to be using to actually shoot this.  Know what I'm saying?

Here's an idea off the top of my head...This is actually a "through Thomas' video camera shot", right?  A POV, even, if I'm reading this correctly.

"The camera tracks in until the black pupil fills the screen… " - This line could easily be replaced with something like this..."Closer and closer, until Punch's black pupil fills the entire screen..."

As for "The camera pulls back." - I personally prefer something like this, "Pull back to reveal..."

I just don't like using the words "the camera", unless you're referring to an actual camera being used, and this is why I feel it could be confusing in your script.

Hi Rick. Thought I'd give this a read. Is this your only work onsite/
I read some of the other comments but not all.
I thought your writing was pretty concise and easy to read. Like most of the other readers, it was sort of inevitable what the outcome was gonna be. Though I did harbour thoughts that maybe Joan would survive, maybe even kill Thomas? No...

The problem to me seemed that Joan and Timmy(who wasn't intro'ed in CAPS - don't think anyone mentioned that) were held prisoner way too early, thus telegraphing how it would pan out.
Perhaps you could show Thomas out in public, acting weirdly, if only for a brief scene.
But I guess you know what you're after with this.
Anyway, just a few thoughts.
Cheers stevie

Not sure if you did an OWC? I read most of them - if i missed yours, will read after revelation.