Hi Stevie.

Thanks for the review.

I think you've hit upon the core problem with the script: It all takes place inside.

That was obviously deliberate, but twisting the story into such confines has proven difficult, it limits the antagonism and gives me little scope for using red herrings etc.

I wanted to make a film that took place in one place so I could concentrate on getting everything right visuaLly and audibly.

Really the story should be like this:

1. We see Thomas at work in a shopping mall.
2. We see how society is changing (Iphones, single mums etc)
3. He gets sacked. Perhaps they put a LCD screen up in his place.
4. Goes home and gets support from Joan.
5. Tries to come up with his new play
6. Takes it to a Punch and Judy festival. It's hated.

ETC, Etc.

Same structure, just showing it all rather than having to use dialogue to tell the story. I'd then have the characters who haVE appeared in the outside world as possible victims or whatever and have a bit more scope with making it unpredictable.

I'm kind of loathe to essentially start from scratch on this project yet again...it's already a relic of the past in some ways...but maybe I need to.

Hey Dec,

I have been meaning to look at this one for some time.  Sorry to be coming in so late.  I have glanced at some of the previous reviews, but only enough to get a feel for how positive or negative the reception has been.

For me, I like what you have done here.  Sure, we have seen this template before, but the details on the skeleton feel fresh enough.  It is a glimpse into insanity.  You feel sorry for Thomas, but at the same time, you want to give him a good shake.  Until you realize that he has totally lost it.  I think you chart this character's descent fairly well.

As to the script itself, to start, you compare the basement to the laboratory of some mad professor, but perhaps a torture chamber is more appropriate? The narrative also leaves a few questions unresolved.  Does this take place in the present day?  What is Timmy’s age?

As you clearly intend to film this yourself, I will not linger on some of the formatting details, but do feel compelled to point out that I was sometimes confused as to whether it was the puppets actually speaking, or if Thomas was speaking for them.  I thought you might want to know that, but also figured you know your intent.  For a small niggle, I doubt you will find many readers, this one included, who have the slightest idea what a swazzle might be.

You mentioned on another thread that you were looking to make cuts in the narrative, and while I personally do not find much need for trimming, if pressed, I do have a few thoughts.  In the kitchen, after Joan is horrified by what Thomas has been teaching Timmy, for example.  After she sends Timmy away, Thomas simply collecting his things and leaving might be shorter and just as poignant.  There is nothing in their subsequent conversation that we do not already infer from Joan’s initial response.  And you might shorten some of Thomas’ speeches near the end, where he has a tendency to ramble -- about the "new religion" and all that.

I also have some concerns with the title, and am not sure that you would want to call this "Punch and Judy".  I mean, that is an existing story, and you are not telling that story.  It is more like if you made a movie about some guy that was obsessed with Robin Hood -- and then called your movie, "Robin Hood".  Does that make any sense?  Anyways, if it were mine I would revisit the title at some point.

And maybe it's just me, but you know how I would end this?  With Thomas discovering that he had left the lens cap on.  But maybe that is just me.  Yeah, probably is.

Otherwise, I think the pace here is good and the concept is sound.  Should make for a very interesting project should you eventually decide to carry it thorough.

Quoted from bert Hey Dec, I have been meaning to look at this one for some time.  Sorry to be coming in so late.  I have glanced at some of the previous reviews, but only enough to get a feel for how positive or negative the reception has been. For me, I like what you have done here.  Sure, we have seen this template before, but the details on the skeleton feel fresh enough.  It is a glimpse into insanity.  You feel sorry for Thomas, but at the same time, you want to give him a good shake.  Until you realize that he has totally lost it.  I think you chart this character's descent fairly well. As to the script itself, to start, you compare the basement to the laboratory of some mad professor, but perhaps a torture chamber is more appropriate? The narrative also leaves a few questions unresolved.  Does this take place in the present day?  What is Timmy’s age? As you clearly intend to film this yourself, I will not linger on some of the formatting details, but do feel compelled to point out that I was sometimes confused as to whether it was the puppets actually speaking, or if Thomas was speaking for them.  I thought you might want to know that, but also figured you know your intent.  For a small niggle, I doubt you will find many readers, this one included, who have the slightest idea what a swazzle might be. You mentioned on another thread that you were looking to make cuts in the narrative, and while I personally do not find much need for trimming, if pressed, I do have a few thoughts.  In the kitchen, after Joan is horrified by what Thomas has been teaching Timmy, for example.  After she sends Timmy away, Thomas simply collecting his things and leaving might be shorter and just as poignant.  There is nothing in their subsequent conversation that we do not already infer from Joan’s initial response.  And you might shorten some of Thomas’ speeches near the end, where he has a tendency to ramble -- about the "new religion" and all that. I also have some concerns with the title, and am not sure that you would want to call this "Punch and Judy".  I mean, that is an existing story, and you are not telling that story.  It is more like if you made a movie about some guy that was obsessed with Robin Hood -- and then called your movie, "Robin Hood".  Does that make any sense?  Anyways, if it were mine I would revisit the title at some point. And maybe it's just me, but you know how I would end this?  With Thomas discovering that he had left the lens cap on.  But maybe that is just me.  Yeah, probably is. Otherwise, I think the pace here is good and the concept is sound.  Should make for a very interesting project should you eventually decide to carry it thorough.

Thanks for the review. All sound advice.

Phil brought up the mad professor thing as well...and you're both right. What I was trying to get across was that it was the Puppeteers equivalent of a mad Professors lab. In the same way you've got a nicely organised science lab with everything in its place and then the mad scientists lair where body parts and blood are everywhere...this room isn't like a nicley organised workshop where everything is spic and span..there are pieces of puppets lying around and dribbling red paint cans lying around.

Anyway, I'll make it clearer.

It's the present age. The candle thing threw Phil as well...it was just intended to show that he's a traditional soul...not suggest it took place in the past.

All format points are accepted.

You make an excellent pint about the title. That's something that's completely passed me by. This story has been through several incarnations..the original idea was slightly more madcap. I thought of it when I visited a prop house near me. It's an amazing place; Vast and full of hidden little places full of weird and wonderful things.

One of the things that caught my eye was this large leather box and when I opened it it had some very old and tatty Punch and Judy puppets in it. Their state of disrepair made them quite frightening to look at. That's when I decided to make a film about Punch and Judy. But the box gave me two very different ideas:

1. A crime caper about a guy who carried the case. He would leave the case unattended and then his partner in crime...a contortionist..would climb out and do her evil deeds.

2. A Punch and Judy guy who was kidnapping children. The script intimated that he was a child abuser who was locking them in his case to transport them..but with a twist.

I've actually written this one as well..it's basically just a short, sharp shock story with a kind of Don't Look Now kind of ending...the Police open the case expecting to find a child and there appears to be one in there..but when it turns round it's actually this weird female creature that he's picked up on his travels...and it of course kills the Police Officer, whilst he takes care of the partner in the confusion.

So that's where the title has come from..it's just kind of stuck.

The first idea has been subsumed into a larger story.

So yeah, I'll call it something else.

Your ending works I think. It's probably better than what I have at the moment. It would probably work better if he killed Timmy as well.

Only problem is that I was intending to use the camera itself as an alternative shooting tool, so we got to see the frenetic action from his point of view as well.

It definitely needs more of a "punch" at the end. I do think it's quite a fun story. There'a certain energy to it and If properly produced it could look great. I'm confident it would be more enjoyable than most of the short horrors I see. If I could just end it in a bit more of a surprising way I think I could just elevate it a little more.

I've just kind of written myself into a corner with it. I could have Timmy being a bit older and becoming the killer...taking on his fathers mad lust for Punch and Judy to a too literal level...but that seems a little silly.

Hey,

First time reading your material. I read the script and glanced over the other's critiques. There's a good chance I'm repeating. I'm at work at the moment so I'm just going to jot down what I thought so far.

SPOILERS!

There's no sense of what time period or place this is set in. For some odd reason I saw Russia in the 70's. This should be established.

There has to be some cathersis in this, some sort of justice. We just watched a child witness his mother's death. I think the cops should come, arrest the father, and take the child.  

Now, I'm confused with the scene after Thomas goes down to the basement after arguing with Joan. Is Thomas playing with the puppets? If he does, I suggest make a transition to let the reader know what Thomas is doing?

Other than that, I found the characters and story interesting.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

  

Hey Rick, just dug this one up and gave it a read.

Overall I think it's pretty good, but you telegraphed the ending on page 7 with the baseball bat, and then the Punch and Judy skit on page 8 confirmed it. So the rest of the script is just a straightforward path towards the inevitable ending. A little more unpredictability and twists would be nice.

If you trimmed some of Thomas's babel (it was getting a little repetitive), the pace might be better, and the second half won't feel like a drag. But I tell you the second half was very intense and emotional.

I applaud you for creating Thomas. He's such a memorable, vivid, and distinct character. A hunchback who's obsessed with puppets. His descent into madness was greatly illustrated as well. I can feel why he's doing what he's doing.

Writing-wise, it's pretty clean and neat. Noticed some missing punctuations. You also forgot to introduce Timmy, especially how old he is. I'm assume like 7 or 8 from the story.

I enjoyed it. Thanks.

Herman