Col, James, G, Eric, thanks for the reads and the feedback.

Col - I agree that the decision not to use dialogue for this was totally the right one. In fact, that's the reason I wrote it. I wanted to write something without dialogue, and tried to think of a story that I could express just through actions and expressions. I'm pretty happy with the result...this is a story that not only isn't hampered from not having dialogue, but probably benefits from it.

I too love long tracking shots...the Dunkirk sequence of Atonement is probably one of my favourite shots in the whole of cinema history. Have you seen the film Russian Ark? The whole 90 minutes is one continuous unbroken Steadicam shot, all captured in one take. The effect is amazing.

I know everyone wants their stuff to get filmed, but I really would enjoy seeing what someone could do with this. I got an email from a producer's assistant telling me that this script was part of her boss' weekend read...here's hoping!

And nope, I'm not gonna tell you what happened between Mike and his family. What do YOU think happened?

James - glad you got it in the end. I deliberately left a lot of ambiguity in there, but hopefully not too much that it leaves the reader/viewer confused. I'm really happy with the title...I think it works better once you've read it, which I like.

I totally agree that sometimes, it's nice to walk away from something having had some questions unanswered. For instance: what did Bill Murray whisper in Scarlett Johansson's ear at the end of Lost in Translation. We'll probably never know. And I like that. At first, I wasn't even going to reveal whose funeral it was that Mike was watching. But then I decided that would be TOO much. As for what happened? It's up to you. You're right, in a way. The point is not what happened, but that whatever it was, Mike feels there's no going back.

Thanks again!

G - Thanks for the kind words. I knew as soon as I started that I wasn't going to use dialogue, even once, so I needed to find others ways to convey things through images. I think this was a great exercise for me in writing to show, not tell. Overall, I'm really happy with it. What started off purely as a writing exercise - trying out a kind of screenwriting gimmick - ended up being something much more satisfying for me. So in a way, I was suprised too!

Eric - I agree that the line between leaving things nicely ambiguous and just being plain unsatisfying is a fine one. I don't really intend to rewrite this, but I'm perfectly aware that some may find this too unresolved. I too like Mike. I wonder where he lives now, what he does for a living. He has a sort of haunting, outcast-quality, I think.

As for it being inspired by true events...yes, and no. I've noticed that a lot of the ideas I've had for screenplays feature some sort of past issue between father and son that can't be resolved. My parents are currently going through an increasingly sour divorce provoked by my father having an affair and moving in with his new girlfriend. I've seen him once in the past 16 months. I suppose this might have been partly inspired by the fact that his mother (my grandmother) is old, not very well and probably won't be around for much longer, and I'm not sure I can attend the funeral if he's there. However, I didn't even realise that might be part of it until you mentioned it! So yes, perhaps you're right.

However, I've never broken into my own house, so that part's fictional.

Again, grateful to you all for your kind attention. And I WILL get around to returning reads! Hopefully this weekend.

Jon

JonnyBoy,

Not a huge fan of this I must admit. Yeah, it's a sad piece about grief and family relations but, in my opinion, the end just didn't have a strong enough pay-off to warrant the story as a whole. So Mike and his father has issues...that's it? I mean, what family doesn't? Had one of them actually been the cause of the mother's death (accidently, of course), then it would have made for a much stronger piece.

This is not the first no-dialogue script I've read, and because nothing really engaging happens in this script, it felt a lot longer than five pages. Try if you can dig up "The Mute" in the short section, that's about 20-30 pages with no dialogue - and it's a pageturner.

I'm not saying that your writing's off - far from it - there's just too much detail in my opinion.

Quoted from page 2, mid'ish From a fair distance, Mike watches through binoculars. He is wearing the suit.

Is there something special going on with the suit, cos' you just showed him dressed in the suit in the previous scene.

I didn't really like the scene where he's on the swing. I get his motivation for doing it but the visuals of the scene are just...aarrgh not right. A grown man on a swing - it just looks weird. Had it been a woman it would have been different (for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on).

My .02.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob, sorry you didn't enjoy it. I'm afraid I don't agree that one of them should have been responsible for the mother's death - wasn't the tone I was going for. This may well come across to you as ordinary and just too normal, but I wasn't going for anything other than just a snapshot of an unhappy, divided family, so if that's not for you there's not a lot I can do!

I will give The Mute a read; I read Glenn's 'Crime Fight' again before I wrote this because I remembered it being largely dialogue free, but I'll definitely look at what you suggested. Pity you felt it dragged, but since others thought it read quickly and was engaging, I'm gonna put that down as personal taste. If lots of people come forward and say it drags, then of course I'll look to rectify that.

The suit - I just thought it seemed a poignant idea for a man that at first comes across as scruffily dressed, a layabout, to go to the trouble of bringing a suit all this way and changing into it just for a funeral he can't even properly attend. I mentioned he was wearing it again just for clarity, the same way as I mentioned at the start of the next scene he wasn't wearing it anymore.

As for the swing scene...I see what you're saying about how it would be different if it was a woman. My girlfriend read this through and when she got to the bit in the playground she just said, "Paedophile." I was aware when I wrote it that the assumption might be there, but I just wanted to leave that open-ended. Maybe Mike IS a paedophile. Maybe that's why he left? I don't know. I personally don't think so, but it's up to the viewer to interpret his actions as they wish.

Thanks for the read, and hope the new script is going well. Looking forward to reading it! Somehow I think it'll be something a bit more spectucular and action-packed than just a portrait of an unhappy family...

Jon  

I like this lots, the title is brilliant and the lack of dialogue keeps yer mind racing for answers.
I dont think the binoculars are neccessary as it kind of shows he was prepared to not goto the funeral yet he took a suit? i think if he lingered in some trees it would be better, also id prefer him sat in a corner as opposed to playing a fruit machine just to highlight the turmoil he is going through, the fruit machine makes it seem hes concentrating on other things.
Its excellent script though and keeps you guessing to the end. One of the best ive read.

Johnny

"Have you seen the film Russian Ark?" -- I haven't seen it but the camera work you mention is legendary I've heard it referenced time and again in conversation.

If this gets filmed let me know, I'd like to see the job done on it.

Barkman (sorry, don't know your real name!), thanks for the read. Really glad you liked it, although to say it's one of the best you've read prompts me to tell you to carry on reading - I'm really happy with the way it turned out, but I'd still say there are writers here I'm nowhere near touching.

The binoculars thing is really to emphasise how he wants there to be no chance of him being spotted by the family. He's there for his mum - that's it. The fruit machine bit...na, think I'll leave it. I understand what you're saying, but it's a way of having him near the door, facing away from the bar, so he can see his dad without his dad seeing him. It also shows he can't even have a quiet pint without whatever he did in the past catching up with him.

Sorry to just reject all your criticisms. I read your latest short, No Where to Hide, by the way - good job! Thanks again for the read.

Col. - Russian Ark is definitely worth a look. It's a mesmerising piece of work. Obviously, I too would like to see this filmed. Here's hoping someone will take an interest!

Thanks for the interest guys! Now I'm off to carry on working away at this feature. On page 16 now! Only about another 80 to go...

Jonny,

Was reading a comment of yours, and happened upon your scripts links, and well, here I am. I think this is the first piece of yours I have written, unless it was your story based in Beetlejuice type afterlife?

Anyway, this script - to a degree - reminded me of Col's train suicide script. Both have a dark feel to them, both create a sense of unease.

The title was perfect for the script. The lack of exposition of Mike's story took away from what I felt you were going for. It felt like the audience were supposed to become engulfed in Mike's world, but with no discernible reason, it was difficult to do so.

I think you definitely wrote with some strong imagery in mind, and the writing was largely good, but the lack of action just subdued this one a little.

Andrew

Hi Jon,
That was a nice and quick read. Good Job. I like the fact that yu went with a silent movie and I also liked that fact that you've given us a bunch of questions.
One thing though, you need to answer some. If you were watching the film and saw Mike look at the of a young version of him and his parents, you wouldn't know that the person in the pic was him.
The issue with the key lets us know that he may have lived at the house or somehow gotten a hold someone's keys. A number of questions came that  would've been clarified by a picture of present-day Mike(like did his ex or landlord kick him out? Did he steal the keys? Did he live there in the past but the new owners changed the locks... see what I mean?)

The woman that he stared at, I'm assuming she was significant to him why you mentioned her. You showed that he caressed carvings on a tree so I'll assume that's a link, but I have to say that it wasn't a very strong link.

It was a calm piece. Part of another script?

EXCELLENT!...After reading it, I was filled with a physical feeling of WHY?, Why?, needing to know more, to want to read more. You created curiosity and desire in the reader. That's what it is all about; leaving some good residual thoughts in the brains of your audience.

I can't think of any improvements story wise.  The fact that there was no dialogue  was also well executed. I was there with Mike, which is what we want our readers to feel. I want the prequel and the sequel asap! What dastardly event occurred to create this situation? I need to know.

Thanks for the read, and hope to read more of your work,..

enter

Very interesting. It chimed a lot with themes I tend to find in my own work - indeed the opening scene with the tree was alarmingly like one I have just written! My heart skipped a beat until it all developed in a totally different way!

I found when I was starting writing a few years ago that shorts lend themselves to having no dialogue and being entirely visual and is a great way to develop understanding of techniques and structures related to screen writing.

I would suggest, as others have, that your central character should be closer to the funeral - using binoculars seems a bit silly within this context (and why put on a suit in that case?) - he could lurk behind a tree, which would mean that he had intended to go and then had chickened out at the last minute. It would also help more properly introduce the father.

I would suggest also that he does not break into the house - maybe he knows where a key is kept? What his actions mean is that the poor father is going to come home from his wife's funeral to find his house broken into!

But overall, it very very enjoyable.

Jon,...My first comment was virgin and without reading any other's comments, so this is in agreement and disagreement with other critics.

The suit change is a good idea, showed respect and planning for his visit. It also left me with the feeling that he was ready to meet his nemisis(?)and possibly make amends, and was ready for this eventuality.

The binoculars, I would agree are not necessary, as from my point of view, he was way too  safe and secure at a far distance. If he was closer, the aspect of being caught, or  that something might happen, could only add to the dark intrigue you already created. It also goes against the grain, that he would show himself so publicly at a bar, where people may know him, but hide at the funeral. I get the feeling the village is small, and in small villages, besides people knowing each other,  they also frequent the same bars their whole lives, so the fact his father showed up there, should not be a big surprise to Mike. So, the binoculars and being private, and the pub and being public, are a paradox.

enter

Lots of responses! Great. I'll try to quickly address them individually.

Andrew - yes, the 'Beetlejuice' script was mine. It was called Back Soon, While I don't think it turned out great, I still like the basic idea - a man stuck in Limbo due to an administrative backlog, on hold in the afterlife, essentially. I'll go back to that one someday. As for your comments here...the lack of exposition seems to be a reccuring comment with this one. And if lots of people say the same thing, then there's clearly an issue to be looked at. I do intend to add slightly more of a hint to Mike's backstory - not a lot, though.

Tyler - nope, not part of another script. Glad you enjoyed it, and the issue of the keys is something I'm addressing in the rewrite. Thanks for the read.

Jesse - thank you for the praise! The feeling of wondering what this man had done was the desired effect, so mission accomplished there, I see. There won't be a prequel or sequel, I'm afraid. At least, I don't plan to extend this at the moment. You'll have decide what the dastardly situation was yourself! Your comments about the binoculars and him going to the pub - taken on board. I think I know a way to solve the latter.

Niles - thanks for the read. I'm changing the way he enters the house; now I read it back a few months later, having him smash the window feels wrong, and is also something of a missed opportunity to tie him to this house. And, having taken everyone's comments into account, I'm dropping the binoculars.

Thanks, everyone. I'm planning to upload one new, slightly different draft, and then I think I want to leave this as it is. It was a writing exercise that turned out surprisingly well, really - funny how these things happen!

Jon

Pretty good.  Not usually a fan of ambiguity, but this kept me riveted.  As someone who has been told that his script dialogue is not very good, this story showed that less is indeed more.

Hi all,

Jon, I thought it was just okay, I'll explain.

I didn't get the point of the first scene and second scene, the Oak tree with M&C written on it, showing Mike changing into his suit and the bedroom scene on page 3

Try to invoke some emotions in the scenes...Have him cry at the funeral or something. I also don't understand why he'd be on a slot machine on the day of his mother's funeral...I want him to feel bad.

and finally the script does have dialogue (all be it one line) on the final page.

Hope this helps.

A couple more reads for this - okay. Richcraft, thanks for the compliments. I did indeed write this with a determination to purely show through images, and thought it went okay.

24 Grams -  just to address that potential source of confusion re: dialogue, this is actually not the original of this script. I re-wrote it slightly for entry to a competition, adding the one word of dialogue (a requirement of the comp's guidelines) to the final scene, as well as changing other elements. The original is indeed dialogue-free. I asked Don to put the new script up as a clearly marked, alternate version...obviously that didn't happen.

Thanks for your feedback.