Nothing Left To Say (revised) by Jon Barton (jonnyboy) - Short - Sometimes, it's too late to say sorry… 5 pages - pdf, format

Err...this was up insanely fast! Thanks Don!

Interested to see what people think of this one - be happy to return reads, of course.

It wsn't until i was finished reading that i realized you had no dialogue. But, even with a story full of depictions of Mike and portrayels of the environments he is in, your words never seem too flooded on the page. Your writing reads fluid, clear, and concise. Which i think is very significant, ESPECIALLY in a piece like this.

While Reading, i kept  asking myself what was motivating this guy to do all these things. Why is he at the funeral(or watching from afar)? Why is he mopey walking about? Why is he breaking into someone's home?

Then the end unveils everything. And readers can put two an two together.

What i think is great about this piece is that it's a character study. How somebody reacts to a major event in his life. And while I assume for some people 5 pages of no dialogue could be an issue, it wasn't for me becuase i felt interested and invested in your protagonist.

Good job!

Interesting read. I think I got to page four before I realized there was no actual dialogue between anyone at all but it still kept my attention from start to finish. With that in mind, it was such a fitting title to give your short.  

It put me in mind of your other short The Last Rung on the Ladder with the note he kept looking at but this time we didn't see what was on it. I thought he would look at it in the end, reveal something, twist it in some way but this story didn't need a twist anyway.

When the guy came into the bar at the end, I knew it would be his Dad. I kept asking myself, "Why did he break the window of his own Dad's house?". Him walking out unnoticed was a great way of showing all was not well between them. Also explained why he watched the funeral from a distance, it first I thought it would have been a childhood friend, girlfriend maybe, that would have explained the oak tree part.

It does leave my mind wandering on what exactly Mike done to his family, or Dad, for them to change the locks, him not wanting to see them at the funeral etc, yet his room has not been changed in all those years since he left. It would have been nice to find out a little more on that side of things.

Your writing was great again. One thing that stood out was the montage scene. I think you are supposed to put END MONTAGE after you list the scenes but I'm not 100% sure. I would question if the montage is actually needed at all as it is just three simple scenes, probably work better just writing it in the action but that's just my opinion.

Overall, good little story. Family members can be awkward after the death of someone close and you showed a good example.  

Whats good Jonny..

I read this one earlier, and didn't really know how to comment on it, as I really enjoyed it... So I waited a few hours, and read it again. I really didn't see much to change here man, you've got a very nice little story. I really liked the no dialogue aspect of it man, made it pretty unique, and different.

I do have a few suggestions which (in my opinion) would improve it. Firstly, I would have had the photo that Mike grabs a more recent one. Secondly, I would have had Mike watch the funeral from not such a distance that he needs to use binoculars. I would have personally made him a bit more emotion during the funeral scene... Would make us a bit more sympathetic towards him.

I would also use the funeral scene to show/ hint to the audience why Mike's family have turned their back on him... Maybe have Mike knocking back whisky, or maybe injecting heroin or something. You wouldn't explicitly tell us why his family have turned their back on him, but you would suggest it...

Finally, when Mike's dad enters the pub, I think it would work if him and Mike make eye contact, but the dad turns awares, not aknowledging his son. This would make the end (when Mike runs away, and scrumbles the photo) more effective. This would suggest that Mike has gone home to make ammends, and maybe right his wrongs, but when his dad ignores him, he realises this will never happen. Because at the moment, you've got a tale of someone who returns home for his mother's funeral (which reminded me alot of Garden State - a film I love), and then runs away, not learning too much from the experience.

But yeah, this was a nice little short man - something I'd love to shoot once I get everything at college sorted.

Keep up the good writing man,

Toby.

So, Jon you've gone from dialogue-heavy in Back Soon to nil dialogue in this.  I just have a few nitpickety points re content/story. Why does your main character take great deliberation in dressing for the funeral when he's witnessing it from a far. And why does he takes great pains to get the photo (by breaking in) and then toss it away - that seemed like a contradiction to me.

Plus, he's in the pub later, presumably to at least see his father (even if his father doesn't seem him) and yet he has no compunction on the day his mother dies in leaving his father with a broken window. I suppose you could stretch that to assume he wants his father to know he's come & gone but it felt like rather a drastic action with no payoff to me.

A good one-hander to show-case an actors' skills and it's written well; the images came through loud & clear.

Hey all, thanks for the reads.

My aim here was to practice simply showing things, not telling the audience anything. Of course, this lack of telling raises several questions, most of which remain unanswered: Why is Mike here? Whose house has he broken into? Who's being buried? What has happened between Mike and his family that means he doesn't even attend his own mother's funeral? I wanted to leave a certain amount of ambiguity, leave it up the viewer to decide what had happened. I wasn't even going to show the tombstone originally, but thought that would mean there was NO pay-off. So I decided to reveal that it was his mother. (Brian, when I read your comment I realised you're right to draw the parallel with Last Rung - and if Stephen King shows us the letter, I thought it was only fair I revealed who'd died!)

While the idea is that this story is open to interpretation, what I imagine the story is different to what you thought. I don't want to impose too much of my own thinking on the plot, but to answer your questions: Mike's come home to visit his mother's funeral, but has no interest in seeing anyone else in his family. He wants to make an effort and be there in memory of his mother, but he also can't bear facing his other relatives. For whatever reason, he left home ten years ago, and hasn't contacted anyone since. He can't face any of them, through pride, or shame - whatever. If Mike's dad had seen him in the pub - which Mike wasn't planning on happening, he had no idea he'd be there - then I imagine he would have begged Mike to stay, have a drink, talk to him, maybe come home. But Mike thinks it's too late to make amends, there's (forgive me for this) nothing left to say. So he leaves, a broken window and a teddy at the grave the only signs he ever came back. As for tossing the photo away, I think the day has shown him there's no going back, that he can't make amends. So he discards it, and leaves for good this time. Of course, that's just my interpretation of it.

Hopefully this was intruiging and interesting rather than plain confusing. I don't really want to add any explanation in because I want the ambiguity, but I'll think on it. Thanks for the reads!

Hey Jon, just read your short.  Very interesting, and for the most part, very powerful and unique.  Well done.

I can't recall ever reading anything with zero dilaogue. You managed to pull it off here, and that's saying quite a bit.

I actually am a big fan of ambiguity.  I like having the opportunity to spin my own thoughts on something.  I don't think you need to add anymore info, as it seems to work the way it is.

Just a couple of suggestions.  You have multiple characters who are intro'd without capping their names. Being a short, and being a peice in which you only have a few named characters, I don't think it's an issue, but you did do it some of the time, so you might as well do it all the time.

You also had a number of "sentences" that are fragments, missing a verb.  I tend to do this sometimes as well, and it's not a big deal.  I think it's basically implied that there is a verb, but you just chose not to include it.  In a short though, it's much more apparent, so I would look back at this, and maybe clean those lines of prose up.

There was also a line of passive verbiage, which isn't a big deal at all, but it was near the end and it kind of stood out.  I am not against this but when you only do it one time, I'd say just don't do it at all, as it changes the feeling.

I don't think you need to have him change into a suit either.  He knows he's going here for a funeral, why not just wear the damn suit?  I know he could definitely bring it in his backpack, but why change into the suit, and then back into normal clothes?  He'd have to have shoes, socks, pants, a belt, a shirt, and a tie, as well as those binoculers, which I agree with another reviewer wasn't necessary.  You could lose the bathroom changing scene and include something else that would be more powerful.

Finally, 3 more things, storywise I didn't like...I don't like him breaking into his Dad's house.  It just doesn't feel right to me.  I also don't like how the piece of paper was brought up again and again, but then nothing was ever made of it.  Either let us now what it is, or leave it out.  And finally, the picture he took.  I think he should keep it.  No matter what happened, I think it meant enough to him that he took it, so he should keep it, as that seems to be the last thing he'll have of his former life.

Again, Jon, this was good.  Very well done...very powerful...and very unique with no dialogue.  It's extremely hard to pull this off, but you did.  The title completely works and ties into what you did.

Nice work!

Hello Jon,

This was a good and interesting read.  A nice story with a fitting title.

This is an improvement on your previous script.

You can shorten and tighten the odd line but overall it was a pleasant read.

All the best,


Javier

Not bad. The one thing I really liked with this is that you really get the sense of  Mike being an out cast is by how he just flitters through the story and haunts places he holds dear in his memory.

Um, also the last short of yours I read I criticized your dialouge as weakest part of your writing.

So promise me the next short you write that you will have dialouge or else you will never improve over all as a writer.

You got to pracitce, pracitice pracitce and besides silent cinema died in the 30's with the invention of Sound.  

Jeff, Javier, Glenn, thanks for the reads.

Jeff - great that you think I managed to pull off the zero dialogue thing. I like Sofia Coppolla's films, particularly Lost in Translation, and for large chunks of that Scarlett Johansson just wanders around, so I wanted that sort of feel. I didn't even notice the non-capped intro's...I'll fix that. The fragmented sentences...I'm not sure whether I'll change those, but I'll consider it. The passive line I'm yet to find, but I'll fix it when I do.

As for him changing into the suit...gotta disagree with you there, I like it. I know that it makes more sense for him to be wearing the suit when he arrives, but I just think that the idea of someone dressing for a funeral in a toilet cubicle is an intruiging one. I don't think him stepping off the train already looking smart would have much of an impact. I have, however, worked out a compromise, so thanks for raising it. About the binoculars...there's just no way Mike would want to run even the slightest risk of having to face his family. I think he'd watch the funeral via a satelitte if he thought it was necessary.

Him breaking into his dad's house seems to run against that, of course - my response to that would be that he knows his dad'll be at the wake. I am going to change it that his key still works, though - it actually makes more sense that way, considering his family are hoping he'll come back one day. The paper I may well drop, I know it's frustrating to never get to see what's on it (I lifted that from the series 3 finale of Lost, where in my defence they too never allow you to see what the newspaper clipping says). And finally, maybe he should keep the photo, but I just like the visual of him crumpling and discarding it. And also, I don't think he would keep it. Maybe, if he hadn't run into his dad. But that he couldn't speak to him has proven to Mike, I think, that he's never going to resolve his issues with his family. So he leaves it all behind for good.

Thanks for the insightful comments! I'll hopefully read and review Fade to White over the weekend. I read the opening - it's definitely an attention grabber!

Javier - thanks, it's definitely better than Back Soon which was, if we're being honest, pretty bad. A vaguely interesting idea executed poorly. This I'm much happier with. Glad that both you and Jeff like the title - I think's it pretty perfect for it, and is even better once you've actually read it.

I'm pretty sure I owe you a read...I've skimmed through Reborn, so I'll look back through it and post a review.

Glenn - yeah, I think I did manage to convey a sense of Mike as a wanderer, a loner. Having him speak, even once, would have ruined that. I think you may have rumbled me on the fleeing from dialogue, though. The dialogue in Back Soon was really, really bad, so I thought, "Fine, let's see what I can do without any." I know I need to practice, though, and I've got a new, talking heads short called Colliterary Damage that should be finished over the weekend.

About your silent cinema comment - I get what you're saying, but I don't agree with the sentiment. Firstly, this isn't silent, there's just no dialogue. The two aren't the same. And secondly, there are still films where characters don't speak, and sometimes their reticence is actually an important character trait. Think of (as I said above) Sofia Coppola's films, or Jason Bourne. The bits where they talk aren't silent, the lack of dialogue just allows you to concentrate on other things.

Thanks again for the reads, y'all!

Jon

A sad little piece, the absence of dialogue was an interesting but wise choice. It totally went in sync with the reserved, restrained nature of the piece.

Nothing to add, the writing was clear and to the point. The story itself was fairly straightforward but it kept my interest.

I'd love for this to get filmed just to see what a filmmaker would do with it. Personally I love tracking shots, just the simple process of following the protagonist around even if he/she is doing the most menial of tasks. Your script has a loads of opportunities for this.

The audience is kept in the dark throughout as we are only following one character thus we only find out information in relation to Mike. How he goes about his "business" dictates what we discover and what details will remain secret.

The mystique is sustained suficiently due to this following-one-character device and greatly benefits the sad conclusion...Although, you feel it was important to Mike to do what he had done, and the way he went about it -- his own way of saying goodbye.

So they obvious question(s)...hush...drum roll...lights...action!: Why couldn't he attend the funeral with the rest...? Why did he have to break into his own homeplace?????????

Somehow I feel you are not gonna tell me -- "Make up your own mind, interpretation, imagination etc"

Anyway, good job. Nice angle on an otherwise common story.

Col.

Very nice short, Jon. I recently wrote my first script sans dialogue and it can be tough, but I thought you did an excellent job capturing emotion without words being spoken. I have to admit I didn't really get the ending until I remembered the title and read your logline again. Nicely done.

It left me with questions, but sometimes it's OK to leave questions unanswered. The point of the story is not what happened between Mike and his family, but to show his reaction to it all. I could feel his anguish with your descriptions.

There are a number of small errors in there, but I'm sure you can find them easily enough.

Not much else to say. Powerful stuff.

James

Good character study. Short, simple and, my favorite aspect, purely visual. No lousy, melodramatic dialogue. It just tells it's story purely though images. At the start, I was wondering where it was going but once it ended, I was quite surprised by it. I liked it. No complaints, really. Did what it was meant to.

Best,

G

Hey Jonny, an interesting read. I will say one of the better shorts I read in awhile so kudos. I will break down my response to what I liked and what I didn't like.

Pros

The screenplay read fluidly and it kept me hook from page 1 to page 5. I personally didn't have an issue with there being no dialogue as you kept me in suspense.

I feel like this story might be based or inspired by true events. Is that a fair assisment to make? Lastly the main character was engaging and I think that's why this story worked for me.

Cons

The only real draw back for me was the ambiguity. I know you mentioned that you intended to make the story ambigious so that the audience can come up with their own interpretation. IMO that is what weakens the power of your ending.

Intended ambiguity should be handled cafefully because the audience expects (rightly so) resolution/closure. If you are going to keep us wondering then atleast have us believe that their is an actual right and wrong interpretation to the ending, even if you don't admit it/reveal it, that way our opinions count for something. I hope you can see what I am getting at.

Anyways good script. I don't think you need another rewrite, as a director I would film this for sure.  

Col, James, G, Eric, thanks for the reads and the feedback.

Col - I agree that the decision not to use dialogue for this was totally the right one. In fact, that's the reason I wrote it. I wanted to write something without dialogue, and tried to think of a story that I could express just through actions and expressions. I'm pretty happy with the result...this is a story that not only isn't hampered from not having dialogue, but probably benefits from it.

I too love long tracking shots...the Dunkirk sequence of Atonement is probably one of my favourite shots in the whole of cinema history. Have you seen the film Russian Ark? The whole 90 minutes is one continuous unbroken Steadicam shot, all captured in one take. The effect is amazing.

I know everyone wants their stuff to get filmed, but I really would enjoy seeing what someone could do with this. I got an email from a producer's assistant telling me that this script was part of her boss' weekend read...here's hoping!

And nope, I'm not gonna tell you what happened between Mike and his family. What do YOU think happened?

James - glad you got it in the end. I deliberately left a lot of ambiguity in there, but hopefully not too much that it leaves the reader/viewer confused. I'm really happy with the title...I think it works better once you've read it, which I like.

I totally agree that sometimes, it's nice to walk away from something having had some questions unanswered. For instance: what did Bill Murray whisper in Scarlett Johansson's ear at the end of Lost in Translation. We'll probably never know. And I like that. At first, I wasn't even going to reveal whose funeral it was that Mike was watching. But then I decided that would be TOO much. As for what happened? It's up to you. You're right, in a way. The point is not what happened, but that whatever it was, Mike feels there's no going back.

Thanks again!

G - Thanks for the kind words. I knew as soon as I started that I wasn't going to use dialogue, even once, so I needed to find others ways to convey things through images. I think this was a great exercise for me in writing to show, not tell. Overall, I'm really happy with it. What started off purely as a writing exercise - trying out a kind of screenwriting gimmick - ended up being something much more satisfying for me. So in a way, I was suprised too!

Eric - I agree that the line between leaving things nicely ambiguous and just being plain unsatisfying is a fine one. I don't really intend to rewrite this, but I'm perfectly aware that some may find this too unresolved. I too like Mike. I wonder where he lives now, what he does for a living. He has a sort of haunting, outcast-quality, I think.

As for it being inspired by true events...yes, and no. I've noticed that a lot of the ideas I've had for screenplays feature some sort of past issue between father and son that can't be resolved. My parents are currently going through an increasingly sour divorce provoked by my father having an affair and moving in with his new girlfriend. I've seen him once in the past 16 months. I suppose this might have been partly inspired by the fact that his mother (my grandmother) is old, not very well and probably won't be around for much longer, and I'm not sure I can attend the funeral if he's there. However, I didn't even realise that might be part of it until you mentioned it! So yes, perhaps you're right.

However, I've never broken into my own house, so that part's fictional.

Again, grateful to you all for your kind attention. And I WILL get around to returning reads! Hopefully this weekend.

Jon

JonnyBoy,

Not a huge fan of this I must admit. Yeah, it's a sad piece about grief and family relations but, in my opinion, the end just didn't have a strong enough pay-off to warrant the story as a whole. So Mike and his father has issues...that's it? I mean, what family doesn't? Had one of them actually been the cause of the mother's death (accidently, of course), then it would have made for a much stronger piece.

This is not the first no-dialogue script I've read, and because nothing really engaging happens in this script, it felt a lot longer than five pages. Try if you can dig up "The Mute" in the short section, that's about 20-30 pages with no dialogue - and it's a pageturner.

I'm not saying that your writing's off - far from it - there's just too much detail in my opinion.

Quoted from page 2, mid'ish From a fair distance, Mike watches through binoculars. He is wearing the suit.

Is there something special going on with the suit, cos' you just showed him dressed in the suit in the previous scene.

I didn't really like the scene where he's on the swing. I get his motivation for doing it but the visuals of the scene are just...aarrgh not right. A grown man on a swing - it just looks weird. Had it been a woman it would have been different (for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on).

My .02.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob, sorry you didn't enjoy it. I'm afraid I don't agree that one of them should have been responsible for the mother's death - wasn't the tone I was going for. This may well come across to you as ordinary and just too normal, but I wasn't going for anything other than just a snapshot of an unhappy, divided family, so if that's not for you there's not a lot I can do!

I will give The Mute a read; I read Glenn's 'Crime Fight' again before I wrote this because I remembered it being largely dialogue free, but I'll definitely look at what you suggested. Pity you felt it dragged, but since others thought it read quickly and was engaging, I'm gonna put that down as personal taste. If lots of people come forward and say it drags, then of course I'll look to rectify that.

The suit - I just thought it seemed a poignant idea for a man that at first comes across as scruffily dressed, a layabout, to go to the trouble of bringing a suit all this way and changing into it just for a funeral he can't even properly attend. I mentioned he was wearing it again just for clarity, the same way as I mentioned at the start of the next scene he wasn't wearing it anymore.

As for the swing scene...I see what you're saying about how it would be different if it was a woman. My girlfriend read this through and when she got to the bit in the playground she just said, "Paedophile." I was aware when I wrote it that the assumption might be there, but I just wanted to leave that open-ended. Maybe Mike IS a paedophile. Maybe that's why he left? I don't know. I personally don't think so, but it's up to the viewer to interpret his actions as they wish.

Thanks for the read, and hope the new script is going well. Looking forward to reading it! Somehow I think it'll be something a bit more spectucular and action-packed than just a portrait of an unhappy family...

Jon  

I like this lots, the title is brilliant and the lack of dialogue keeps yer mind racing for answers.
I dont think the binoculars are neccessary as it kind of shows he was prepared to not goto the funeral yet he took a suit? i think if he lingered in some trees it would be better, also id prefer him sat in a corner as opposed to playing a fruit machine just to highlight the turmoil he is going through, the fruit machine makes it seem hes concentrating on other things.
Its excellent script though and keeps you guessing to the end. One of the best ive read.

Johnny

"Have you seen the film Russian Ark?" -- I haven't seen it but the camera work you mention is legendary I've heard it referenced time and again in conversation.

If this gets filmed let me know, I'd like to see the job done on it.

Barkman (sorry, don't know your real name!), thanks for the read. Really glad you liked it, although to say it's one of the best you've read prompts me to tell you to carry on reading - I'm really happy with the way it turned out, but I'd still say there are writers here I'm nowhere near touching.

The binoculars thing is really to emphasise how he wants there to be no chance of him being spotted by the family. He's there for his mum - that's it. The fruit machine bit...na, think I'll leave it. I understand what you're saying, but it's a way of having him near the door, facing away from the bar, so he can see his dad without his dad seeing him. It also shows he can't even have a quiet pint without whatever he did in the past catching up with him.

Sorry to just reject all your criticisms. I read your latest short, No Where to Hide, by the way - good job! Thanks again for the read.

Col. - Russian Ark is definitely worth a look. It's a mesmerising piece of work. Obviously, I too would like to see this filmed. Here's hoping someone will take an interest!

Thanks for the interest guys! Now I'm off to carry on working away at this feature. On page 16 now! Only about another 80 to go...

Jonny,

Was reading a comment of yours, and happened upon your scripts links, and well, here I am. I think this is the first piece of yours I have written, unless it was your story based in Beetlejuice type afterlife?

Anyway, this script - to a degree - reminded me of Col's train suicide script. Both have a dark feel to them, both create a sense of unease.

The title was perfect for the script. The lack of exposition of Mike's story took away from what I felt you were going for. It felt like the audience were supposed to become engulfed in Mike's world, but with no discernible reason, it was difficult to do so.

I think you definitely wrote with some strong imagery in mind, and the writing was largely good, but the lack of action just subdued this one a little.

Andrew

Hi Jon,
That was a nice and quick read. Good Job. I like the fact that yu went with a silent movie and I also liked that fact that you've given us a bunch of questions.
One thing though, you need to answer some. If you were watching the film and saw Mike look at the of a young version of him and his parents, you wouldn't know that the person in the pic was him.
The issue with the key lets us know that he may have lived at the house or somehow gotten a hold someone's keys. A number of questions came that  would've been clarified by a picture of present-day Mike(like did his ex or landlord kick him out? Did he steal the keys? Did he live there in the past but the new owners changed the locks... see what I mean?)

The woman that he stared at, I'm assuming she was significant to him why you mentioned her. You showed that he caressed carvings on a tree so I'll assume that's a link, but I have to say that it wasn't a very strong link.

It was a calm piece. Part of another script?

EXCELLENT!...After reading it, I was filled with a physical feeling of WHY?, Why?, needing to know more, to want to read more. You created curiosity and desire in the reader. That's what it is all about; leaving some good residual thoughts in the brains of your audience.

I can't think of any improvements story wise.  The fact that there was no dialogue  was also well executed. I was there with Mike, which is what we want our readers to feel. I want the prequel and the sequel asap! What dastardly event occurred to create this situation? I need to know.

Thanks for the read, and hope to read more of your work,..

enter

Very interesting. It chimed a lot with themes I tend to find in my own work - indeed the opening scene with the tree was alarmingly like one I have just written! My heart skipped a beat until it all developed in a totally different way!

I found when I was starting writing a few years ago that shorts lend themselves to having no dialogue and being entirely visual and is a great way to develop understanding of techniques and structures related to screen writing.

I would suggest, as others have, that your central character should be closer to the funeral - using binoculars seems a bit silly within this context (and why put on a suit in that case?) - he could lurk behind a tree, which would mean that he had intended to go and then had chickened out at the last minute. It would also help more properly introduce the father.

I would suggest also that he does not break into the house - maybe he knows where a key is kept? What his actions mean is that the poor father is going to come home from his wife's funeral to find his house broken into!

But overall, it very very enjoyable.

Jon,...My first comment was virgin and without reading any other's comments, so this is in agreement and disagreement with other critics.

The suit change is a good idea, showed respect and planning for his visit. It also left me with the feeling that he was ready to meet his nemisis(?)and possibly make amends, and was ready for this eventuality.

The binoculars, I would agree are not necessary, as from my point of view, he was way too  safe and secure at a far distance. If he was closer, the aspect of being caught, or  that something might happen, could only add to the dark intrigue you already created. It also goes against the grain, that he would show himself so publicly at a bar, where people may know him, but hide at the funeral. I get the feeling the village is small, and in small villages, besides people knowing each other,  they also frequent the same bars their whole lives, so the fact his father showed up there, should not be a big surprise to Mike. So, the binoculars and being private, and the pub and being public, are a paradox.

enter

Lots of responses! Great. I'll try to quickly address them individually.

Andrew - yes, the 'Beetlejuice' script was mine. It was called Back Soon, While I don't think it turned out great, I still like the basic idea - a man stuck in Limbo due to an administrative backlog, on hold in the afterlife, essentially. I'll go back to that one someday. As for your comments here...the lack of exposition seems to be a reccuring comment with this one. And if lots of people say the same thing, then there's clearly an issue to be looked at. I do intend to add slightly more of a hint to Mike's backstory - not a lot, though.

Tyler - nope, not part of another script. Glad you enjoyed it, and the issue of the keys is something I'm addressing in the rewrite. Thanks for the read.

Jesse - thank you for the praise! The feeling of wondering what this man had done was the desired effect, so mission accomplished there, I see. There won't be a prequel or sequel, I'm afraid. At least, I don't plan to extend this at the moment. You'll have decide what the dastardly situation was yourself! Your comments about the binoculars and him going to the pub - taken on board. I think I know a way to solve the latter.

Niles - thanks for the read. I'm changing the way he enters the house; now I read it back a few months later, having him smash the window feels wrong, and is also something of a missed opportunity to tie him to this house. And, having taken everyone's comments into account, I'm dropping the binoculars.

Thanks, everyone. I'm planning to upload one new, slightly different draft, and then I think I want to leave this as it is. It was a writing exercise that turned out surprisingly well, really - funny how these things happen!

Jon

Pretty good.  Not usually a fan of ambiguity, but this kept me riveted.  As someone who has been told that his script dialogue is not very good, this story showed that less is indeed more.

Hi all,

Jon, I thought it was just okay, I'll explain.

I didn't get the point of the first scene and second scene, the Oak tree with M&C written on it, showing Mike changing into his suit and the bedroom scene on page 3

Try to invoke some emotions in the scenes...Have him cry at the funeral or something. I also don't understand why he'd be on a slot machine on the day of his mother's funeral...I want him to feel bad.

and finally the script does have dialogue (all be it one line) on the final page.

Hope this helps.

A couple more reads for this - okay. Richcraft, thanks for the compliments. I did indeed write this with a determination to purely show through images, and thought it went okay.

24 Grams -  just to address that potential source of confusion re: dialogue, this is actually not the original of this script. I re-wrote it slightly for entry to a competition, adding the one word of dialogue (a requirement of the comp's guidelines) to the final scene, as well as changing other elements. The original is indeed dialogue-free. I asked Don to put the new script up as a clearly marked, alternate version...obviously that didn't happen.

Thanks for your feedback.

Hey JonnyBoy,

This is very surreal and strange, but unfortunately, it didn't quite work for me. At the end, it left me confused.

The problem is that for 4/5 of the script, nothing really happens. Mike came home and he went to different places around town: a park, a coffee shop, a cemetery, his house, etc. This feels like a sightseeing tour. A not very interesting one.

I suggest cutting some of the details in those scenes, so that you can push the read up faster. Don't need the INDIAN MAN or the WOMAN in the park. By the way, who's the "C" in the engraving? And when you wrote the woman didn't see Mike, I thought Mike was a ghost.

Now, when Mike finally opens the letter, that scene had some emotional weight. And things start to clear up. But then the BOY appears again which made it very confusing. So is Mike a ghost afterall? And did he really kill his mother?

Very interesting visuals, but I had a hard time discerning the different plot points.


Herman

After reading one bad script after another on this site, this was refreshing.  Oustanding job.  I'd like to direct a few posters over here and say "See?  This is how you do it."

The ambiguity of the end is killing me (no pun intended).  That should be a testament to how much I liked the story.

Hey Jon,

This was very well written.  Such a sad and gloomy piece, but very good.  I love stories that provoke thinking.

I only had one real gripe with it.  I didn't like when Young Mike called his olderself a murderer.  I think it kind of threw a wrench into the gears of the story.  In fact, I think the whole idea of Mike's seeing a younger vision of himself detracts from the story.  You can lose all the visions of the child Mike without losing any of the depression or power of the film.

And, it won't make it seem so confusing at the end.  When Young Mike called Big Mike a 'murderer', it made it seem like Mike snuck into town before and killed his mother.  I think that's a bad idea to take from an otherwise beautifully depressing story.

This was definately worth the read, though, and I enjoyed it.

-  Mark

Hi
Firstly, i loved this piece.  It's one of the best script i have read on this site thus far.

This may seem like a massive coincidence but i was just about to post a comment more or less identical to Mark but he pipped me to the post.  So i more or less echo his post.
The supernatural "murderer" moments felt somewhat jarring to the more subtle, natural feel created in the rest of the story.  Although it does add a certain dramatic impact to the ending, and leads us down a more serious and sinister line of questioning. So i'm in two minds.

But a great piece,
Leon

Four new reads! Nice to see this still getting some attention - thanks to all of you.

One general point that more than one person raised, so I'll answer it in one go: as I say, this isn't the original version of the script. I added the new 'ghost Young Mike' element to it in order to give it an extra something for a contest, which also required the script to have one word of dialogue. I've actually decided that wasn't a good move, and Young Mike has been removed once again for the third draft, which I've uploaded to Don. I agree that it distracts from the tone and mood of the original story (such as it is).

Now, briefly...

Coding: as it currently stands, it is a little confusing. As I say, the new draft (which is actually a lot closer to the original) should clear that up. Thanks for the read.

Yosef: all I can say is...thanks very much! Appreciate your comments, and the read. You put a smile on my face there.

Mark: yeah, after weighing it up, I don't like that moment either. As I say, it was an attempt to make it competition-entry-material that probably doesn't really work. It's gone, and I've reverted back to the original quiet gloom and guilt. So we're in a similar mind there. Thanks for the read.

Leon: yeah, I was in two minds too. In the end it's gone, though. Thanks for the read.

I'll try and track down scripts from you lot, and return the favour. Thanks for looking, and for making me remember to submit a new draft!

So anyone checking this thread out and thinking, "Oh, maybe I'll give it a read, it's only short" - hold that thought, 'cos there's a new draft on the way!