I’ve made it my mission to read all the scripts for this year’s Soul Shadow

First up the Tanis intro is getting old and I just totally skipped those first few pages. I just find it irrelevant. Each Soul Shadow story so far has been unique in itself and I found Tanis to be just a poor way to connect the shorts into a series.

What I liked was the basic central problem of the mystery of how the puppet ended up in Dale’s possession. It was very potent and simple and thrust the story forward. Excellent use of story structure.

The only thing I found a bit odd and off was when all of a sudden Dales starts to tell the puppet to get out his mind. He does it in such a way as if it is a normal thing. You think it would be more like: “get out of my mind- hey, shit you’re in my mind? Oh Jesus fucking Christ there’s a puppet in my head!”

It is a situation that is worthy of a plot turning point that would spin the whole story and Dale’s character arc in a whole new direction. But as you have written it, the situation seems ordinary and typical.

Same with the police interrogation scene. I did not like the way it was written with the X-files jokes thrown and just made the scene laughable and ruined the scene. It should have been very dramatic and thick with tension but that was not the case.

Hello Steven,

Finally read this Soulshadow script of yours.

As mentioned before, you've got a good premise but haven't quite delivered overall.

Dreamscale made some excellent points.

You start off well when the puppet's eyes follow Dale.  

What I think hurts the script is the dialogue and logic.  Sometimes we skip to the end of a scene, leave scenes out, where we get from A to D in one swift move.

I liked that Kenny popped up in the park and disappeared.  I think you could have played up on that.  It must be hard to cover new ground when writing about puppets without sounding cliché.  But feel that this would have strengthen the script with a few more creepy appearances.

But for Erin to dismiss it as if it never happen to me was a very quick turnaround.

I didn't like the Theatre scene.  Dale wins, and it's very much in the past he's won but really doesn't feel like he has.  We discover this after the moment when he chats to Robin.  It would have been good to play up that old trick where the eyes stare at Robin.  But then again, maybe Kenny steals objects?  And takes an object from a rival ventriloquist, something that will sure to have the crowd laughing.  An opportunity lost to delve into the mystery surrounding Kenny.

I find it incredibly hard that Ms. Carlson would share a car much less a cab after the funeral with Dale, a stranger to her, in less than a minute of conversation.  Should of had Dale go to her house, that would have creeped her out.

Also found Ms. Carlson ordering Dale to drink his tea to be a tad odd.  Something a mother would say.

Ms. Carlson is giving stuff away to Dale, again odd.

Erin obtains the tape recorder how?  Breaking & entering Dale's home?  Did the tape recorder have a sign on it?

Nice idea about the different ventriloquists with Kenny on their laps.  Adds to the tale surrounding Kenny.

How did the police find Dale at Ms. Carlson's home is beyond me.  Did Erin know of this friendship?  It must be a friendship counted in hours not days.

The policeman interrogates Dale with this so-called evidence.  Did the policeman use psychic to discover these murders?  Another conclusion to a taped confession could be that the kid is delusional, in need of some much needed happy pills.

It's a good idea to have a tape recording, just not used as some sort of conclusive evidence.  I'd get rid of the police interrogation scene.

The ten years later idea didn't work for me either.  Erin is still curious how this nut is getting on in the loony bin?  I don't buy it.

Overall, a good premise that could be better.

All the best,



Javier

I've tried to come up with a new angle on the sinister puppet/doll angle, and I couldn't.  I guess every devil doll needs to update host bodies once in a while.

I liked the script and the characters even though the story was predictable and stilted.  Don't ask me why.  It just did.  I guess I can relate to Dale's jealousy and desire to take over the master's legacy.

What I don't understand is why the institute allowed Dale to keep the doll.  If it was the catalyst for the murders (it was in all of those pictures at one place), then surely the psychiatrists wouldn't have allowed it to be on the premises.  Anyone with that kind of obsession would not have anything reminding them of it that strongly in a mental institution.

Just a few thoughts.  Richcraft