Quoted from Colkurtz8 Sean Cool intro to this, the setting, the tone, the ominous loner alone at the bar with the briefcase, I was sucked in immediately.

Thank you. That beginning would lose its effect in the longer version of the story, when I actually show the drug dealer he kills. =(

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Some of your descriptive is a bit long winded at times though and needs tightening in places. I say this because I often fall guilty to the same problem in my own scripts. "The upscale bistro/bar combo is expansive and spacious and made more spacious by the fact that only one person is sitting in the entire restaurant." "Chris stares around outside. He can’t see too far with snow coming down hard outside and wind blowing the snow in every which direction." Cut out the "ing" if possible & try to keep the sentences as short and functional as possible thus aiding the overall speed of the read.

I agree, it is long, but it's mainly because my scripts are dialogue-heavy, so I kind of have to include more details to even it a little. I agree, though, they are a little much.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I was wondering would the barman accept the money and close the restaurant that readily? I suppose for that kind of cash could you blame him but it seems a bit of a risk, I mean, who knows what this stranger could do, once the doors are closed.

It's true, he would be nervous, but being that you've finished it now, you understand why. =)

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The barman (CHRIS DeJESUS, possibly the greatest EVER! by the way) seemed to accept the money all too eagerly...but still 100 bucks is a nice tip for holding on for 5 minutes.

You know, it's weird. I've been using that name in stories for 4 years. No one every picked up on it. Kudos, Kurtz.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The opening dialogue on the phone was great, sharp, effective and punchy, the only snag came with the line: JASON (O.S.) I’ll do no such thing. -- It took me out of the conversation and betrayed what kind of character I had Jason made out to be in my mind; cool, suave and in control. I dunno, this line didn't seem to fit him and totally stood out while I was reading an otherwise very enjoyable opening dialogue. In reality though it depends hugely on the actor and his delivery, it could work if lets say...Daniel Plainview uttered it but on the page the wrong impression can easily be got.

Well, based on the script I had in mind, that line, and a couple others go against the character I set up, so a re-write is definitely in order. It's true, Plainview probably could do that, but this guy is so far from that character. Lol.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Ah, I see now, that conniving DeJESUS muthafu?ker was in on the whole thing it makes sense now. I should've copped something when you made a point of introducing him with that glorious name. I mean, how many scripts have the barman as just "BARMAN" since they usually do their job and nothing more.

One of those little things that get noticed by noting similar characters in other scripts. For this example, Jerry Ashton (The Thirteenth Floor) is a good one to use.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 There was a nice twist here, handled well I must say. One might complain that it drags a little near the end. I know you wanted to describe going through the motions of the aftermath once the deed was done but you maybe lingered a little too long on it.

Dragged! Everyone tells me that. Guess what? I completely agree. Lol.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I think Ophelia summed it up rather well by calling it ""a cool little snippet" as this definitely feels like something from a bigger story. Good job all the same there were some cool dialogue and characters in here with the potential for an intriguing noir-ish story if you planned to expand it. Solid job. Col.

Thank you. Yes, I had planned to extend it. That idea is kind of dead right now, but maybe I'll get back to it after 24/7 comes up and Cielo gets a bit more finished.

Hello Mr Blonde,

Just finished this script of yours.  It's alright.  As Col mentions above you need to tighten your descriptions.

Things like:

He takes off the white gloves on his hands...

Do you really need to say, 'on his hands'?  I mean really, where else are they suppose to be?

You also need to fix some of your dialogue like:

CHRIS
You have to. They will help you
find your daughter.

This doesn't sound quite right.

Also,

DAVID
My daughter was kidnapped.

Keep this in the present because like, My daughter has been kidnapped.  'Was' ain't the right word.

Overall, not bad but could be better,

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from jayrex Hello Mr Blonde, Just finished this script of yours.  It's alright.  As Col mentions above you need to tighten your descriptions. Things like: He takes off the white gloves on his hands... Do you really need to say, 'on his hands'?  I mean really, where else are they suppose to be? You also need to fix some of your dialogue like: CHRIS You have to. They will help you find your daughter. This doesn't sound quite right. Also, DAVID My daughter was kidnapped. Keep this in the present because like, My daughter has been kidnapped.  'Was' ain't the right word. Overall, not bad but could be better, All the best, Javier

Yep. It's a broken record. Lol. Descriptions are like the Energizer bunny. They keep going and going and going... Working on it, but it takes some getting used to.

Changing it to "They'll" would probably work. What's wrong with the other line, though? It sounds more fluent and realistic the way it is.

Thank you for reading, Jay (Javier). =)

Quoted from Mr. Blonde What's wrong with the other line, though? It sounds more fluent and realistic the way it is.

If someone's holding your daughter hostage and you speak to some stranger with what's going on with current events.

Are you going to say:

My daughters been kidnapped or My daughter was kidnapped?

I don't think it's as fluent as it can be.

Quoted from jayrex If someone's holding your daughter hostage and you speak to some stranger with what's going on with current events. Are you going to say: My daughters been kidnapped or My daughter was kidnapped? I don't think it's as fluent as it can be.

I think it's semantics. They both sound like something a person would actually say. I stand by my line, on this one. But, you're absolutely right about the other.

You have started this short off with a razor sharp hook. The man alone a in bistro, the sweat on his brow, the brief case. It is an intriguing situatiation that pulls you into the story.

The narrative and pace of the plot is perfect, but for me the story is so brief and elusive I didn't have time to care for any of the characters or be emotionally involved. Maybe I wasn't meant to be. For all I know  Carlisle may have been a real shifty piece of shit who has been ripping off the kidnapper with his cash or whatever? Maybe he deserved it? Who knows?  

Hey Sean,

Just checked this out. I liked the setup of this story. The story certainly needs some tightening in the description area. SPOILERS I also think that once Chris frees the daughter, we shouldn't have the extension of her trying to "wake" daddy. I think it would be better left to the imagination of how the daughter would react and to show Chris being extremely cold. Once the reveal is shown of him holding the daughter, we should follow Chris out into the snow. Anyway, it was alright, a couple of re-writes could make this better.

tailbest