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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Child Porn Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Child Porn by Josh J. (usaking) - Short, Comedy, Spoof - When they are left home alone for the first time, a brother and sister decide to have some fun. 3 pages - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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It was with a fair amount of dread that I opened this file.

Nothing terribly wrong here -- whew -- but I guess I am missing the joke.

I also need to point out that the children never call each other by name.

The unusual names you have chosen would be meaningless on the screen -- if that is important somehow.



Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Ledbetter
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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I uh don't get it. Maby I am missing something but this went over my head.

They have the same last name, right? So they are brother and sister, right?

I don't understand the whole thing with the sandwich either.

I have to be honest, this was senseless to me.

Sorry.
Shawn.....><
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well, the names I choose for the characters were just random. I did this because in this particular story, I wanted the everyone to forget about the names and just look at the story. I purposely wrote it so that the names have nothing to do with the story at all. It's a metaphor for how babies are made, but I guess you didn't see that.
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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This is not the controversial script I was talking about a few weeks back. Actually, that script backfired because I didn't like the ending I had, and so I deleted the whole thing.

Thanks for reading the script, though.  I like using metaphors in stories. It helps me think and learn new things.
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rendevous
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Cheap sensationalism is as old as the hills. Tabloid newspapers around the world thrive on it. I think you may yet have a career in journalism UK. God knows many tabloids pay vast sums to writers far worse than you. And this is capitalism, we've little choice but to deal with it. Best of luck to you.

You've a way of playing with preconceptions, which is clever. And you're full of fresh ideas. God knows we could with a few more of them knocking about.

As for the technical aspects of the script I'd say it's pretty good. I can't see any major problems, coupla small errors. You're getting better. And that's great.

Kinky little story and not bad. Not bad at all. Keep it up. I'll be watching.

R




Out Of Character - updated


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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the compliments and reading rendevous.

I wouldn't say this is sensationalism, although I can see what you mean. I don't have any interest in becoming a journalist of any sort, but I thank you for saying it.

Fresh ideas are what I try to write with all my scripts. I do sometimes come up with cliche or unoriginal ideas when I am thinking of a script story, and sometimes I will use them as well.

It is good to know from others, like you, that I am getting better. I can see the differences of how I write scripts from the first time, all the way to right now. Thanks for the compliment.

Thanks again.
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rendevous
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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You're very welcome. I meant all that, I save credit for where it's due.

If you wanna do me favour then change that bleeding avatar of yours. It gives me a fecking headache! And for Godot's sake, don't put up something worse. Please, for the love of gherkins.

R

EDIT. I thank you, UK. Still disturbing but I can live with that. Not literally or anything.



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  March 21st, 2010, 4:02pm
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albinopenguin
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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i too was relieved after reading the script.

i thought this was pretty good. and the whole "making a sandwhich" was damn funny.

furthermore, i would ditch the names all together. you can make this a stronger metaphor by simplifying the script. i think the names "child porn," "animal porn," etc actually distract from the message of the script. they're also confusing people. i would see what others say before making the final verdict (if you're really dead set on using "child porn")

overall, im looking forward to reading more of your stuff. i would make this one just a little more poignant however


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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading albinopenguin.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

I know the names are a bit distracting. I considered changing them, but decided at the last minute not to. They just came up from my head while thinking of character names. If you have read some of my past scripts, I really like original character names. It's just something that is very important to me.

Again, I'm glad you liked it.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Usaking...

Your avatar... oh, god.

Your slugline... spacing is off.  When Animal and Child porn say good-bye to the Adult Porn... to be honest, those wrylies aren't needed.  Neither are the ones when Child porn speaks to himself.  

Your story, I didn't get this.  I'm sure your message is in here somewhere though.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter


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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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I just noticed that the slugline was off. I'll be sure to change that when I update the script. Thanks for noticing.

In most families, at least the one I know of, children always say goodbye to their parents when they leave to go somewhere. Because of this, they do tend to have some emotion. I thought it was needed, but if you disagree, I understand.

It doesn't surprise me that you didn't get the metaphor behind the story. I thought it was quite obvious, but maybe that is just me.

Glad you read, and thanks.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Your avatar reminds me of the guy in Total Recall.

Anyway, the way I understood this is that the boy and girl are siblings. Maybe even twins since they are the same age. The boy wants to play around and have sex while the girl misunderstands and keeps going to make sandwiches. Maybe things have changed lately, but in my mind a "sandwich" involves three people... Therefore the sandwich joke doesn't really work. Am I off my rocker here and just totally misunderstood the whole thing?

The names btw, adds nothing to the story. I would rethink those if I were you. The title however is good, because it give potential readers the idea they know what this is going to be about when in reality the title fits, but is much more benign.


.
SS, is still free...
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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me, your observations are very good, indeed. Unfortunately, the "sandwich" part that you have identified is not supposed to be part of the metaphor.

Think of it like this:

The mom of the two kids leaves the house. Now, the boy and the girl are alone. The boy, asks the girl to go make him a sandwich. She leaves (GOES OUT) and then comes <<<<< (see that word) back (IN). Get it? In and out? The boy asks her to do this several times. She leaves and comes back (IN AND OUT) over and over again.

The sandwich is supposed to represent, well, intercourse. For instance: "Will you make me a sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me?" When the girl asks what kind of sandwich he wants, the boy replies "Peanut butter and jelly." Peanut Butter is rough <<<<(see that). Jelly=soft <<<< (See that).  Thus, hard and soft. After that, the boy says "Will you make me another sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me again?"

That is the basis of it, but you get what I mean, hopefully.
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kendg8r
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure the explanation for the sandwich makes the joke/metaphor any better.  To me, the script reads like a boy is left alone with his sister and can't stop thinking about having sex with her.  Is this supposed to be funny?  Is there supposed to be a deeper thought behind this?

If so, I don't see it.

But I did think the kid repeatedly asking for a sandwich when we all expected him to ask her for sex made him almost endearing (despite the incest joke).  The explanation for the sandwich thus ruined it for me.
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