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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Child Porn Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Child Porn by Josh J. (usaking) - Short, Comedy, Spoof - When they are left home alone for the first time, a brother and sister decide to have some fun. 3 pages - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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It was with a fair amount of dread that I opened this file.

Nothing terribly wrong here -- whew -- but I guess I am missing the joke.

I also need to point out that the children never call each other by name.

The unusual names you have chosen would be meaningless on the screen -- if that is important somehow.



Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Ledbetter
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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I uh don't get it. Maby I am missing something but this went over my head.

They have the same last name, right? So they are brother and sister, right?

I don't understand the whole thing with the sandwich either.

I have to be honest, this was senseless to me.

Sorry.
Shawn.....><
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well, the names I choose for the characters were just random. I did this because in this particular story, I wanted the everyone to forget about the names and just look at the story. I purposely wrote it so that the names have nothing to do with the story at all. It's a metaphor for how babies are made, but I guess you didn't see that.
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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This is not the controversial script I was talking about a few weeks back. Actually, that script backfired because I didn't like the ending I had, and so I deleted the whole thing.

Thanks for reading the script, though.  I like using metaphors in stories. It helps me think and learn new things.
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rendevous
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Cheap sensationalism is as old as the hills. Tabloid newspapers around the world thrive on it. I think you may yet have a career in journalism UK. God knows many tabloids pay vast sums to writers far worse than you. And this is capitalism, we've little choice but to deal with it. Best of luck to you.

You've a way of playing with preconceptions, which is clever. And you're full of fresh ideas. God knows we could with a few more of them knocking about.

As for the technical aspects of the script I'd say it's pretty good. I can't see any major problems, coupla small errors. You're getting better. And that's great.

Kinky little story and not bad. Not bad at all. Keep it up. I'll be watching.

R




Out Of Character - updated


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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the compliments and reading rendevous.

I wouldn't say this is sensationalism, although I can see what you mean. I don't have any interest in becoming a journalist of any sort, but I thank you for saying it.

Fresh ideas are what I try to write with all my scripts. I do sometimes come up with cliche or unoriginal ideas when I am thinking of a script story, and sometimes I will use them as well.

It is good to know from others, like you, that I am getting better. I can see the differences of how I write scripts from the first time, all the way to right now. Thanks for the compliment.

Thanks again.
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rendevous
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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You're very welcome. I meant all that, I save credit for where it's due.

If you wanna do me favour then change that bleeding avatar of yours. It gives me a fecking headache! And for Godot's sake, don't put up something worse. Please, for the love of gherkins.

R

EDIT. I thank you, UK. Still disturbing but I can live with that. Not literally or anything.



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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rendevous  -  March 21st, 2010, 4:02pm
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albinopenguin
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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i too was relieved after reading the script.

i thought this was pretty good. and the whole "making a sandwhich" was damn funny.

furthermore, i would ditch the names all together. you can make this a stronger metaphor by simplifying the script. i think the names "child porn," "animal porn," etc actually distract from the message of the script. they're also confusing people. i would see what others say before making the final verdict (if you're really dead set on using "child porn")

overall, im looking forward to reading more of your stuff. i would make this one just a little more poignant however


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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading albinopenguin.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

I know the names are a bit distracting. I considered changing them, but decided at the last minute not to. They just came up from my head while thinking of character names. If you have read some of my past scripts, I really like original character names. It's just something that is very important to me.

Again, I'm glad you liked it.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Usaking...

Your avatar... oh, god.

Your slugline... spacing is off.  When Animal and Child porn say good-bye to the Adult Porn... to be honest, those wrylies aren't needed.  Neither are the ones when Child porn speaks to himself.  

Your story, I didn't get this.  I'm sure your message is in here somewhere though.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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I just noticed that the slugline was off. I'll be sure to change that when I update the script. Thanks for noticing.

In most families, at least the one I know of, children always say goodbye to their parents when they leave to go somewhere. Because of this, they do tend to have some emotion. I thought it was needed, but if you disagree, I understand.

It doesn't surprise me that you didn't get the metaphor behind the story. I thought it was quite obvious, but maybe that is just me.

Glad you read, and thanks.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Your avatar reminds me of the guy in Total Recall.

Anyway, the way I understood this is that the boy and girl are siblings. Maybe even twins since they are the same age. The boy wants to play around and have sex while the girl misunderstands and keeps going to make sandwiches. Maybe things have changed lately, but in my mind a "sandwich" involves three people... Therefore the sandwich joke doesn't really work. Am I off my rocker here and just totally misunderstood the whole thing?

The names btw, adds nothing to the story. I would rethink those if I were you. The title however is good, because it give potential readers the idea they know what this is going to be about when in reality the title fits, but is much more benign.


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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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me, your observations are very good, indeed. Unfortunately, the "sandwich" part that you have identified is not supposed to be part of the metaphor.

Think of it like this:

The mom of the two kids leaves the house. Now, the boy and the girl are alone. The boy, asks the girl to go make him a sandwich. She leaves (GOES OUT) and then comes <<<<< (see that word) back (IN). Get it? In and out? The boy asks her to do this several times. She leaves and comes back (IN AND OUT) over and over again.

The sandwich is supposed to represent, well, intercourse. For instance: "Will you make me a sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me?" When the girl asks what kind of sandwich he wants, the boy replies "Peanut butter and jelly." Peanut Butter is rough <<<<(see that). Jelly=soft <<<< (See that).  Thus, hard and soft. After that, the boy says "Will you make me another sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me again?"

That is the basis of it, but you get what I mean, hopefully.
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kendg8r
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure the explanation for the sandwich makes the joke/metaphor any better.  To me, the script reads like a boy is left alone with his sister and can't stop thinking about having sex with her.  Is this supposed to be funny?  Is there supposed to be a deeper thought behind this?

If so, I don't see it.

But I did think the kid repeatedly asking for a sandwich when we all expected him to ask her for sex made him almost endearing (despite the incest joke).  The explanation for the sandwich thus ruined it for me.
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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me - I know it does sound very far fetched, but I like to make metaphorical stories. This is one that, it seems, takes time to understand. It does have a purpose, though.

kendg8r - I can see how you came to the conclusion that the script is about a boy that wants to have intercourse with his sister, but I never meant for it to be that way. This script is one long sex scene, but told in metaphors. The sex scene is between two unknown people, which is why I gave the characters random names, because the people are random as well.

Is it supposed to be funny? Yes. Is there a deeper thought behind this? Not really. As said before, it is one long sex scene told in metaphors.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the script, but I am thankful you took the time to read it.
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Trojan
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from usaking
Well, the names I choose for the characters were just random. I did this because in this particular story, I wanted the everyone to forget about the names and just look at the story. I purposely wrote it so that the names have nothing to do with the story at all. It's a metaphor for how babies are made, but I guess you didn't see that.


If the names have nothing to do with it then why did you pick names that are obviously trying to get attention? Why not John and Sarah? This whole thing reads like another one of your attempts to be controversial just to get attention. You always state that you don't want to be offensive or write stories with obscene subject matter just for attnetion. Yet you have chosen two topics offensive to most people and tried to pass them off as character names. If you didn't want this sort of attention you would stop using tactics that so obviously seek it.

There is no story here. Your explanation of the sandwich representing sex did not make this work for me. How would this look on screen? What is the audience supposed to make of it? A kid who apparently wants to fuck his sister and keeps asking for sandwiches. Where are they supposed to draw parallels from that the sandwich represents sex just because she walks in and out of the room? And the peanut butter and jelly representing rough and soft? This is something that would only make sense to you.

I do think that you have some talent as a writer, it just seems to be wasted on all these attention-grabbing scripts you continue to write. Have you ever considered writing a real story? Y'know, one that doesn't revolve around incest, pedophilia, rape etc. It just makes you seem very one-dimensional as a writer. Try and get people to read your scripts because they contain a good story, strong characters and an interesting premise instead of cheap, gimmicky ploys. It will benefit you as a writer.

Cheers,
Tim.
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kendg8r
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure screenplays are the best medium for metaphorical story-telling, especially when it's told like this (the metaphor telling one kind of sex story that differs from the intended sex intended story).

I mean, think of the poppy meadow scene in Wizard of Oz - the allegory there is one of drug use (and how it can distract you from your journey).  But what you did was different, a little more direct and yet not as clear.  It's more like having someone smoke a cigarette as a metaphor for pot smoking - eh, it just doesn't work.

I'm sure there's a way to make "can I have a sandwich?" work as a metaphor for sex - but I don't think it involves suggesting the kid wants to jump his sister but can't bring himself to say it.

Back to the point I started with in this reply - the story in this script might work better in a short story instead of a screenplay.  I don't think anyone could guess what you wants us to think the metaphor means based on what's in the script itself.
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bert
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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It almost pains me to see ol' usaking taking yet another beating on this script.

Some of you guys may not realize it -- but this is the most mundane and harmless thing this guy has ever written.

He HAS toned it down.  Way down.  I do think he is trying.  I don't want people to jump on him for this one.

Now, whether or not his little sandwich metaphor actually works is another debate entirely.

Josh, I do not get this one.  Your explanation is just weird, but kind of comical, so I like it a little better.

You have ideas that I have never seen anywhere -- and by God that has to be worth something.  Keep trying and you just might get there.  Stranger things have happened.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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Trojan - For me, two of the most important things in a script is character names and title names. As said before, I like to use original character names in most, if not all, of my scripts. I think you are assuming that I wrote this script because I am trying to be controversial, which again, I'm not. I like to talk about subjects that others are afraid to talk about. The reason I named the title the same as the character is because I wanted to have a great title. I can see why you would think I just wrotie this so get attention, but I didn't.

The metaphors probably would have made more sense if I was a bit clear, but of course, I do not like to write as clear as the wind in the sky on a summer day. I like to write as dark as the fog on a black night.

I do think it is YOUR opinion that I only write about dark subject matters. You could say that Lynch only writes surreal films, or even that Burton only writes films for Johnny Depp. But they have the ability to make other things too, and so do I. Even though we cannot agree about what I write, I do thank you for taking time to read it and reply about it as well. Hopefully, we can see eye to eye in the future.

kendg8t - I love metaphors, a lot. Maybe I did go a little too much into the boy and the girl, which if I did, I'm sorry. I meant this to be a metaphor on sex, and apparently, it didn't work well for most people.

bert - Thanks for the compliments, but it seems that I have failed with this story because most people didn't get it. Because of this, I am quite sad. I was hoping that a lot of people would really like this story, but I guess I was wronged. As I said to Trojan, I do have story ideas that aren't full of the dark elements I have in most of my scripts. In fact, my next script that I am currently working on has very little "darkness" in it. So, maybe you, and others, will like it more than my usual stuff.
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albinopenguin
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from usaking

The sandwich is supposed to represent, well, intercourse. For instance: "Will you make me a sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me?" When the girl asks what kind of sandwich he wants, the boy replies "Peanut butter and jelly." Peanut Butter is rough <<<<(see that). Jelly=soft <<<< (See that).  Thus, hard and soft. After that, the boy says "Will you make me another sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me again?"


oh see i didnt get the peanut butter= rough and jelly= soft thing. instead i thought it was more along the lines of, "you just gave me a blowie, now go make me sandwhich."

that's just me though


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JonnyBoy
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, can't resist.


Quoted from usaking
I can see how you came to the conclusion that the script is about a boy that wants to have intercourse with his sister, but I never meant for it to be that way. This script is one long sex scene, but told in metaphors. The sex scene is between two unknown people, which is why I gave the characters random names, because the people are random as well.

That directly contradicts your own logline, which explicitly refers to a brother and a sister. They're not random, they're related.

It took me all of thirty seconds to read this, I didn't laugh, and I had no idea what you were trying to achieve. Any initial shock value you had has pretty much worn off now, and until you start to write actual screenplays, I don't know what help or advice i can offer you.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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usaking
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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JonnyBoy, you must have read the above wrong. The two people are unknown, hence, we don't quite know who they are. Yes, they are brother and sister, but that's all we know about them. That doesn't tell us ANYTHING at all. What if they were criminal masterminds? What if they were the children of a madman? Telling you they are brother and sister does not show anything.

I'm sorry you didn't laugh. I was trying to write a sex scene in a metaphor. Based on the replies I have been seeing, I must have failed miserably. I wasn't trying to shock, as I keep on repeating, but it seems as if everyone assumes that I wrote this only to shock. That clearly isn't the case. Plus, if I wanted to shock, I probably couldn't. I would never waste time writing a script in order to shock people. That's very idiotic.

Wheter you accept it or not, this is a screenplay. Maybe it has a bad story or structure, but it is a screenplay nonetheless.


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Trojan
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Quoted from usaking
I'm sorry you didn't laugh. I was trying to write a sex scene in a metaphor. Based on the replies I have been seeing, I must have failed miserably. I wasn't trying to shock, as I keep on repeating, but it seems as if everyone assumes that I wrote this only to shock. That clearly isn't the case. Plus, if I wanted to shock, I probably couldn't. I would never waste time writing a script in order to shock people. That's very idiotic.


So in your new script Scizophrenic Lesbians, what is the purpose of a 12 year old girl masturbating her 98 year old grandmother with a machine gun, if not to shock? Sorry, but your whole 'I'm not writing this to shock, I swear' routine is starting to wear a little thin.

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usaking
Posted: March 22nd, 2010, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Trojan, as you may or may not know by now, I have a dark sense of humor. Maybe too dark for some people. I put that in so that people could laugh. That's the reason it's in the comedy section of SS.

And FYI - I hate Pink Flamingos and believe it was only made to shock, but loads of people love it. So clearly, my scripts are just not for everyone.
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Coding Herman
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Did I miss the joke? What's with making sandwiches three times in a row?

And I don't get why name the characters Child, Animal, and Adult Porn without even saying their full names in the script. The audience won't know a thing about their names and they're just a brother, a sister, and a mother.

I also don't understand what Child Porn wants. I assume they are siblings, so why Child asks Animal whether she's single.

A lot of question marks. Sorry, this story is not for me.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: July 3rd, 2010, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Not getting the spoof, or the humor.
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MikeCashman
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Umm...I really don't know what to say here.  I read the script and I had the look of complete confusion on my face.  The only question that comes to mind is, what the hell did I just read?  Maybe if it is explained by the writer, we may all understand what the purpose of this script is all about.  Otherwise, I am not the type of person that enjoys knocking someone down just because I don't get the message, but I am completely lost on this one.

I was not impressed with this script at all.
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Grandma Bear
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Oh boy! I actually remember when this was posted. Usaking caused all kinds of controversy with his scripts while he was here.

It's great of you to read scripts, Mike, but if you're looking for return reads by doing so, it's a good idea to check the date on the script thread. This one is ten years old and Usaking is long gone.  


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