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Well, the names I choose for the characters were just random. I did this because in this particular story, I wanted the everyone to forget about the names and just look at the story. I purposely wrote it so that the names have nothing to do with the story at all. It's a metaphor for how babies are made, but I guess you didn't see that.
Cheap sensationalism is as old as the hills. Tabloid newspapers around the world thrive on it. I think you may yet have a career in journalism UK. God knows many tabloids pay vast sums to writers far worse than you. And this is capitalism, we've little choice but to deal with it. Best of luck to you.
You've a way of playing with preconceptions, which is clever. And you're full of fresh ideas. God knows we could with a few more of them knocking about.
As for the technical aspects of the script I'd say it's pretty good. I can't see any major problems, coupla small errors. You're getting better. And that's great.
Kinky little story and not bad. Not bad at all. Keep it up. I'll be watching.
i thought this was pretty good. and the whole "making a sandwhich" was damn funny.
furthermore, i would ditch the names all together. you can make this a stronger metaphor by simplifying the script. i think the names "child porn," "animal porn," etc actually distract from the message of the script. they're also confusing people. i would see what others say before making the final verdict (if you're really dead set on using "child porn")
overall, im looking forward to reading more of your stuff. i would make this one just a little more poignant however
I know the names are a bit distracting. I considered changing them, but decided at the last minute not to. They just came up from my head while thinking of character names. If you have read some of my past scripts, I really like original character names. It's just something that is very important to me.
I just noticed that the slugline was off. I'll be sure to change that when I update the script. Thanks for noticing.
In most families, at least the one I know of, children always say goodbye to their parents when they leave to go somewhere. Because of this, they do tend to have some emotion. I thought it was needed, but if you disagree, I understand.
It doesn't surprise me that you didn't get the metaphor behind the story. I thought it was quite obvious, but maybe that is just me.
Your avatar reminds me of the guy in Total Recall.
Anyway, the way I understood this is that the boy and girl are siblings. Maybe even twins since they are the same age. The boy wants to play around and have sex while the girl misunderstands and keeps going to make sandwiches. Maybe things have changed lately, but in my mind a "sandwich" involves three people... Therefore the sandwich joke doesn't really work. Am I off my rocker here and just totally misunderstood the whole thing?
The names btw, adds nothing to the story. I would rethink those if I were you. The title however is good, because it give potential readers the idea they know what this is going to be about when in reality the title fits, but is much more benign.
me, your observations are very good, indeed. Unfortunately, the "sandwich" part that you have identified is not supposed to be part of the metaphor.
Think of it like this:
The mom of the two kids leaves the house. Now, the boy and the girl are alone. The boy, asks the girl to go make him a sandwich. She leaves (GOES OUT) and then comes <<<<< (see that word) back (IN). Get it? In and out? The boy asks her to do this several times. She leaves and comes back (IN AND OUT) over and over again.
The sandwich is supposed to represent, well, intercourse. For instance: "Will you make me a sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me?" When the girl asks what kind of sandwich he wants, the boy replies "Peanut butter and jelly." Peanut Butter is rough <<<<(see that). Jelly=soft <<<< (See that). Thus, hard and soft. After that, the boy says "Will you make me another sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me again?"
That is the basis of it, but you get what I mean, hopefully.
I'm not sure the explanation for the sandwich makes the joke/metaphor any better. To me, the script reads like a boy is left alone with his sister and can't stop thinking about having sex with her. Is this supposed to be funny? Is there supposed to be a deeper thought behind this?
If so, I don't see it.
But I did think the kid repeatedly asking for a sandwich when we all expected him to ask her for sex made him almost endearing (despite the incest joke). The explanation for the sandwich thus ruined it for me.