me - I know it does sound very far fetched, but I like to make metaphorical stories. This is one that, it seems, takes time to understand. It does have a purpose, though.

kendg8r - I can see how you came to the conclusion that the script is about a boy that wants to have intercourse with his sister, but I never meant for it to be that way. This script is one long sex scene, but told in metaphors. The sex scene is between two unknown people, which is why I gave the characters random names, because the people are random as well.

Is it supposed to be funny? Yes. Is there a deeper thought behind this? Not really. As said before, it is one long sex scene told in metaphors.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the script, but I am thankful you took the time to read it.

Quoted from usaking Well, the names I choose for the characters were just random. I did this because in this particular story, I wanted the everyone to forget about the names and just look at the story. I purposely wrote it so that the names have nothing to do with the story at all. It's a metaphor for how babies are made, but I guess you didn't see that.

If the names have nothing to do with it then why did you pick names that are obviously trying to get attention? Why not John and Sarah? This whole thing reads like another one of your attempts to be controversial just to get attention. You always state that you don't want to be offensive or write stories with obscene subject matter just for attnetion. Yet you have chosen two topics offensive to most people and tried to pass them off as character names. If you didn't want this sort of attention you would stop using tactics that so obviously seek it.

There is no story here. Your explanation of the sandwich representing sex did not make this work for me. How would this look on screen? What is the audience supposed to make of it? A kid who apparently wants to fuck his sister and keeps asking for sandwiches. Where are they supposed to draw parallels from that the sandwich represents sex just because she walks in and out of the room? And the peanut butter and jelly representing rough and soft? This is something that would only make sense to you.

I do think that you have some talent as a writer, it just seems to be wasted on all these attention-grabbing scripts you continue to write. Have you ever considered writing a real story? Y'know, one that doesn't revolve around incest, pedophilia, rape etc. It just makes you seem very one-dimensional as a writer. Try and get people to read your scripts because they contain a good story, strong characters and an interesting premise instead of cheap, gimmicky ploys. It will benefit you as a writer.

Cheers,
Tim.

I'm not sure screenplays are the best medium for metaphorical story-telling, especially when it's told like this (the metaphor telling one kind of sex story that differs from the intended sex intended story).

I mean, think of the poppy meadow scene in Wizard of Oz - the allegory there is one of drug use (and how it can distract you from your journey).  But what you did was different, a little more direct and yet not as clear.  It's more like having someone smoke a cigarette as a metaphor for pot smoking - eh, it just doesn't work.

I'm sure there's a way to make "can I have a sandwich?" work as a metaphor for sex - but I don't think it involves suggesting the kid wants to jump his sister but can't bring himself to say it.

Back to the point I started with in this reply - the story in this script might work better in a short story instead of a screenplay.  I don't think anyone could guess what you wants us to think the metaphor means based on what's in the script itself.

It almost pains me to see ol' usaking taking yet another beating on this script.

Some of you guys may not realize it -- but this is the most mundane and harmless thing this guy has ever written.

He HAS toned it down.  Way down.  I do think he is trying.  I don't want people to jump on him for this one.

Now, whether or not his little sandwich metaphor actually works is another debate entirely.

Josh, I do not get this one.  Your explanation is just weird, but kind of comical, so I like it a little better.

You have ideas that I have never seen anywhere -- and by God that has to be worth something.  Keep trying and you just might get there.  Stranger things have happened.

Trojan - For me, two of the most important things in a script is character names and title names. As said before, I like to use original character names in most, if not all, of my scripts. I think you are assuming that I wrote this script because I am trying to be controversial, which again, I'm not. I like to talk about subjects that others are afraid to talk about. The reason I named the title the same as the character is because I wanted to have a great title. I can see why you would think I just wrotie this so get attention, but I didn't.

The metaphors probably would have made more sense if I was a bit clear, but of course, I do not like to write as clear as the wind in the sky on a summer day. I like to write as dark as the fog on a black night.

I do think it is YOUR opinion that I only write about dark subject matters. You could say that Lynch only writes surreal films, or even that Burton only writes films for Johnny Depp. But they have the ability to make other things too, and so do I. Even though we cannot agree about what I write, I do thank you for taking time to read it and reply about it as well. Hopefully, we can see eye to eye in the future.

kendg8t - I love metaphors, a lot. Maybe I did go a little too much into the boy and the girl, which if I did, I'm sorry. I meant this to be a metaphor on sex, and apparently, it didn't work well for most people.

bert - Thanks for the compliments, but it seems that I have failed with this story because most people didn't get it. Because of this, I am quite sad. I was hoping that a lot of people would really like this story, but I guess I was wronged. As I said to Trojan, I do have story ideas that aren't full of the dark elements I have in most of my scripts. In fact, my next script that I am currently working on has very little "darkness" in it. So, maybe you, and others, will like it more than my usual stuff.

Quoted from usaking The sandwich is supposed to represent, well, intercourse. For instance: "Will you make me a sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me?" When the girl asks what kind of sandwich he wants, the boy replies "Peanut butter and jelly." Peanut Butter is rough <<<<(see that). Jelly=soft <<<< (See that).  Thus, hard and soft. After that, the boy says "Will you make me another sandwich?" = "Will you have intercourse with me again?"

oh see i didnt get the peanut butter= rough and jelly= soft thing. instead i thought it was more along the lines of, "you just gave me a blowie, now go make me sandwhich."

that's just me though

Sorry, can't resist.

Quoted from usaking I can see how you came to the conclusion that the script is about a boy that wants to have intercourse with his sister, but I never meant for it to be that way. This script is one long sex scene, but told in metaphors. The sex scene is between two unknown people, which is why I gave the characters random names, because the people are random as well.

That directly contradicts your own logline, which explicitly refers to a brother and a sister. They're not random, they're related.

It took me all of thirty seconds to read this, I didn't laugh, and I had no idea what you were trying to achieve. Any initial shock value you had has pretty much worn off now, and until you start to write actual screenplays, I don't know what help or advice i can offer you.

JonnyBoy, you must have read the above wrong. The two people are unknown, hence, we don't quite know who they are. Yes, they are brother and sister, but that's all we know about them. That doesn't tell us ANYTHING at all. What if they were criminal masterminds? What if they were the children of a madman? Telling you they are brother and sister does not show anything.

I'm sorry you didn't laugh. I was trying to write a sex scene in a metaphor. Based on the replies I have been seeing, I must have failed miserably. I wasn't trying to shock, as I keep on repeating, but it seems as if everyone assumes that I wrote this only to shock. That clearly isn't the case. Plus, if I wanted to shock, I probably couldn't. I would never waste time writing a script in order to shock people. That's very idiotic.

Wheter you accept it or not, this is a screenplay. Maybe it has a bad story or structure, but it is a screenplay nonetheless.

Quoted from usaking I'm sorry you didn't laugh. I was trying to write a sex scene in a metaphor. Based on the replies I have been seeing, I must have failed miserably. I wasn't trying to shock, as I keep on repeating, but it seems as if everyone assumes that I wrote this only to shock. That clearly isn't the case. Plus, if I wanted to shock, I probably couldn't. I would never waste time writing a script in order to shock people. That's very idiotic.

So in your new script Scizophrenic Lesbians, what is the purpose of a 12 year old girl masturbating her 98 year old grandmother with a machine gun, if not to shock? Sorry, but your whole 'I'm not writing this to shock, I swear' routine is starting to wear a little thin.

Trojan, as you may or may not know by now, I have a dark sense of humor. Maybe too dark for some people. I put that in so that people could laugh. That's the reason it's in the comedy section of SS.

And FYI - I hate Pink Flamingos and believe it was only made to shock, but loads of people love it. So clearly, my scripts are just not for everyone.

Did I miss the joke? What's with making sandwiches three times in a row?

And I don't get why name the characters Child, Animal, and Adult Porn without even saying their full names in the script. The audience won't know a thing about their names and they're just a brother, a sister, and a mother.

I also don't understand what Child Porn wants. I assume they are siblings, so why Child asks Animal whether she's single.

A lot of question marks. Sorry, this story is not for me.

Herman

Not getting the spoof, or the humor.

Umm...I really don't know what to say here.  I read the script and I had the look of complete confusion on my face.  The only question that comes to mind is, what the hell did I just read?  Maybe if it is explained by the writer, we may all understand what the purpose of this script is all about.  Otherwise, I am not the type of person that enjoys knocking someone down just because I don't get the message, but I am completely lost on this one.

I was not impressed with this script at all.

Oh boy! I actually remember when this was posted. Usaking caused all kinds of controversy with his scripts while he was here.

It's great of you to read scripts, Mike, but if you're looking for return reads by doing so, it's a good idea to check the date on the script thread. This one is ten years old and Usaking is long gone.