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You got stuff for me to read? Love to return d condiment.
Em.
Ha I wish. No, I'm an aspiring director. I lurk these forums looking for a great short to make. You'll find that my comments rarely have anything to do with format. I can really only comment on the story and dialogue.
Hey Em, just gave this a read. Here's my $.07 worth...
As everyone has said, your writing style is very good, but it's not a very good writing style in terms of screenwriting. It's actually very good for a novel or short story. In terms of a script, it is WAY overwritten in terms of detail, description, and flowery prose, sorry to say.
As Phil said, you definitely need to name your character. You're right in that no one says his name, so in a filmed version, it doesn't matter, but in terms of a read, it comes off as lazy, IMO.
As Pia said, you don't want to go over 4 lines of prose per passage. It looks cluttered and reads poorly.
Biggest concern is that in 2 1/2 pages of script, what do we know here? Well, we have a filthy scumbag of a guy sitting in a filthy , scumbag room, smoking his last cig, drinking a cup of Joe, and talking to himself about what a scumbag loser he is. That's it. Period. That's not going to fill up 2 1/2 minutes of screen time...and if it does, it's going to be 2 1/2 long, dull moments with little to nothing going on the majority of the time.
Sorry to sound harsh, but I'm worried you're going to start off on the wrong foot here and get into alot of bad habits, unless you are aware of these shortcomings. You obviously know how to write, now you need to learn how to write in a different medium. Scripts are so much different than novels and short stories.
Hope you take this in the vein it is intended. Best to you, bud!
Thank you so much for the read. Actually nothing is too harsh. Still very much trying to learn and attain my writing ability (maybe script writing ability).
You are completely correct. This is written in a novello format, in which I am comfortable.
However, I have tried to move on with my new short "Mommy's Boy".
My wife doesn't like the script, but hooonose??????????????.
Please, if you will.,. Keep an eye out for it and comment.
And if you have anything I can read.....my pleasrure.
I think the idea is a good one for a short. Can be easily filmed and produced.
But the script can be tightened up and trimmed. There is too much black on first page, clogged with descriptions of the room that can be shortened. I agree that describing the room can add personality to the character, but some action are just too long-winded. I bet you can say the same thing with less words.
Other than that, nothing else much to say for the rest of the script. It works the way it is. We see the man and understand why the man is ranting. And the payoff comes at the right time to not become too predictable.
It's still enjoyable though. Thanks.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I could feel a pull from this script to keep reading at the same time as I felt a pull to stop and put it down, but due to the fact that I'm only faced with three pages, you win!
The images you begin with I can easily imagine, the camera sweeping silently across and immediately we wonder, "Who the hell lives here?"
As I continued, I knew internally that this guy was only talking to himself; so for the greatness of the script part, I guess this thing has been done quite often before.
What might amp it up is some kind of tension, where someone is watching him watching himself, where he, might have some bitter choice to make.
At the top of the page, you should only have one space after Fade In.
I think you should work on changing the title. It's flat as a pancake.
Good work though, despite the chunkiness. I understand why.
Biggest concern is that in 2 1/2 pages of script, what do we know here? Well, we have a filthy scumbag of a guy sitting in a filthy , scumbag room, smoking his last cig, drinking a cup of Joe, and talking to himself about what a scumbag loser he is. That's it. Period. That's not going to fill up 2 1/2 minutes of screen time...and if it does, it's going to be 2 1/2 long, dull moments with little to nothing going on the majority of the time.
Although I hear what your saying Jeff, in this instance I thought the writer was trying to capture the inhabitant of the room and possessions using the inanimate nature of everything to call out a sense of the life and presence of the person living there.
I do agree that the character should be names.
I also agree that it can be cut back in the way its worded.
For instance:
>On the table, an ash tray, full, spewing it’s contents.
To:
An ashtray spews crud onto the table.
>Carvings testify to previous ownerships.
What carvings? Describe them.
Carvings can be art or carvings can be the word "shit" scratched into a table using a Swiss Army.
In the case of the latter, you have the opportunity for action here, showing an additional "piece of work" into a vandalized, hardly a table anymore, chunk of wood.
Like I said, I understand what you're going for, but you need to keep Jeff's words in mind and be precise. Do the things you need to do to hold the readers' attention.
I read your script. I'm not a pro by any stretch (as far as the technical stuff goes), so I wont go into structure or anything. But I liked it, Good job IMO.
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. I'll leave you alone now. 
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