I got interrupted, sorry. Anyways, those were the main issues I had with the bones of the story. It may be that I missed things, but hopefully this still helps you, and maybe, if there is an explanation for these elements, you can flesh them out a little more in case others have the same questions.

Here are my notes during the read:

Notes

--I’m proud of you for coming out
tonight. I respect for people who take--

typo I think


--Reggie’s a small time crook. He just
got a hot tip about this one place.
I’ve got a client base. They can’t go
through the usual channels to get what
they want so they’re willing to pay a
little extra. Take our present client
for instance. He’s one ruby gem short
of reuniting an old collection that’s
worth more than you and me, only it
just so happens to be buried in the
grave of Phyllis Leblanc. So he calls
me and he’s way more loaded than some
rinky-dink antique store--

I read this 3 times to make sure I wasn't just being put off by its length. I definitely think this can be shortened. It's actually a little confusing too. The only info you need is about why they are going to a grave.

general observation at p 7

I would think Lucas would be relieved to be robbing a cemetary as opposed to a real robbery, given that he is not a crook.

Smithy offers Lucas crystal meth? That seems strange to me, given he doesn;t know him. Then the song on the ipod he mentions implies he is a regular robber of graves. But the story suggests this is kind of a one time thing, I thought.

I don't know what this make an appearance thing is all about. It's actually kind of annoying me, which will hoepfully be resolved later in the script.

Why are the headlights on? Wouldn't that make them more likely to get caught?


--listens to the maggots feast inside.--

Does that make noise?


--you fucking mongoloid--

Come on, what kind of swear is that?


--If I took nothing, this would all be
for nothing. I came out here to help my
wife and I out of a shitty situation.
I’ve crossed a lot of my own lines
doing so but there’s still one line I
won’t cross and that’s taking more than
I need--

In my opinion, once you cross the line to criminal activity, you cross it. If he's willing to rob some poor slob's antique store, why not steal from a dead guy? I guess you are trying to really hammer that this guy's struggling with his conscience.

-- Several maggots
fall out of the client’s mouth and convulse on the desk--

Where there's maggots there's flies, and terrible smell.

--A single drop of blood
trickles down his forehead from a small hole--

There's no blood in a corpse like that, which has been dead long enough to be rotting. And like I said, a rotting corpse you can smell a block away.


Ok James, I really meant for this to help, and I know it seems kind of negative. Perhaps it will be more effective filmed. Also, I must have missed stuff, so I will come back if you give any explanation on things. Other people who read this scripts tend to really just look for the visual elements, so graveyard, couple corpses, a ghost, and a house full of vermin might just appeal to people who won't care if it ties together. Best of luck with it all!

Kevin

Thanks for the read, Kevin. No need for you to apologize for anything. This is exactly what I need and I've already made some adjustments based on your feedback.

Quoted from leitskev It's not entirely clear why they are robbing the grave, and it's definitely not at all clear why Lucas was brought on the mission.

Smithy's a thief. He wants money. The first job falls through, he comes up with a plan B. One can assume that he had this job lined up anyway.

Lucas needs the money. Simple as that. I'll get to the "making an appearance" bit in due time.

Quoted from leitskev The woman had some kind of valuable gem that this Smithy is hired to dig up. Ok. Never really explained anything mysterious about the woman or the gem, nothing supernatural, but it seems to me that this is a one time job, a special assignment. But Smithy's comment about the song he plays implies grave robbing is a regular gig. And it seems as though he has an extreme necrophilia thing going. Smithy mentioned has special client base, so I guess that is with people who need stuff from graves, but how many of those jobs are out there? I don't know if this sounds nitpicky, it was just very much on my mind and I kept wondering if it would be explained later.

I don't think there needs to be anything mysterious established about the woman or the gem. This is a classic ghost story setup. There's nothing needed to facilitate the supernatural bits other than the circumstances. I wouldn't say so anyway.

The frequency of Smithy's grave robbing is also up in the air. This could be his fifth or sixth job or up in the double digits. The other jobs could've taken place here or in other graveyards. Other cities even. I feel like it's fair game, frankly. I don't think there's anything implausible about it in the world of the story.

Quoted from leitskev The next issue was why Lucas is brought on the job: --What I need you to do tonight is make an appearance. That’s all. Otherwise, we’ve got a problem-- That is the explanation for why he's on the job. And Smithy doesn't really ask anything of him, and worries the whole time about him snitching. And with Smithy knowing what he does with dead bodies, why does he want anyone with him? I am confused.

I've adjusted the dialogue to clarify this. Basically, Smithy assumes Lucas is another thief and without reservations about robbing graves. Once he finds out this is not the case, he demands Lucas accompany him so that he won't go to the police, being an accomplice to the crime.

Quoted from leitskev What happens later is still confusing. The ghost comes back for the jewel, and apparently has the power to kill people, turn them into ghosts. And yet the money gets delivered. And how did they even get the money? They never found the safe. I'm sure I'm missing things, will have to go back.

I've addressed the money thing in previous posts. It's a loose end but I don't think it need be tied up. I feel this kind of story has some leeway in that regard, at least when it comes to supernatural elements. I've several scenarios in mind in which this event is possible and I'm sure others can formulate their own. I don't know what else to say.

Quoted from leitskev The house is full of earthworms, maggots(no flies), beetles and critters. Seems over the top and hard to understand for me, but I guess it's like Speilburg stuff, very visual.

Over the top. Probably. I thought it was fun though.

I should clarify, however, that the critters are all byproducts of the ghost's presence. There's nothing wrong with the house itself.

Quoted from leitskev --I’m proud of you for coming out tonight. I respect for people who take-- typo I think --Reggie’s a small time crook. He just got a hot tip about this one place. I’ve got a client base. They can’t go through the usual channels to get what they want so they’re willing to pay a little extra. Take our present client for instance. He’s one ruby gem short of reuniting an old collection that’s worth more than you and me, only it just so happens to be buried in the grave of Phyllis Leblanc. So he calls me and he’s way more loaded than some rinky-dink antique store-- I read this 3 times to make sure I wasn't just being put off by its length. I definitely think this can be shortened. It's actually a little confusing too. The only info you need is about why they are going to a grave.

Fixed on both counts.

Quoted from leitskev I would think Lucas would be relieved to be robbing a cemetary as opposed to a real robbery, given that he is not a crook.

I disagree, though both jobs have their respective hazards.

Quoted from leitskev Smithy offers Lucas crystal meth? That seems strange to me, given he doesn;t know him. Then the song on the ipod he mentions implies he is a regular robber of graves. But the story suggests this is kind of a one time thing, I thought.

One time thing? I'll give this another once over and see if this is true. I don't believe I ever suggested that this is true though.

The drugs... eh. I don't know. It just seemed like something Smithy would do, frankly. I feel like once the whole grave robbing thing is put out there, I don't see him having many reservations about anything else. He certainly wouldn't have offered it when they first met though.

Quoted from leitskev Why are the headlights on? Wouldn't that make them more likely to get caught?

I might have to make some adjustments to fix this. The way I saw it, this was near the edge of the graveyard with only forest beyond (out of the way) and I didn't really imagine there'd be guards or anyone else patrolling. Maybe a caretaker but I figured they'd have other things to do (or at least not be interested in patrolling).

I'll think about it, regardless.

Quoted from leitskev --listens to the maggots feast inside.-- Does that make noise?

Artistic license.

Quoted from leitskev --you fucking mongoloid-- Come on, what kind of swear is that?

Very un-PC but you're right. It's gone. I think the switchblade's enough.

Quoted from leitskev --If I took nothing, this would all be for nothing. I came out here to help my wife and I out of a shitty situation. I’ve crossed a lot of my own lines doing so but there’s still one line I won’t cross and that’s taking more than I need-- In my opinion, once you cross the line to criminal activity, you cross it. If he's willing to rob some poor slob's antique store, why not steal from a dead guy? I guess you are trying to really hammer that this guy's struggling with his conscience.

That's all on the character. They may or may not act according to your judgment.

Quoted from leitskev -- Several maggots fall out of the client’s mouth and convulse on the desk-- Where there's maggots there's flies, and terrible smell. --A single drop of blood trickles down his forehead from a small hole-- There's no blood in a corpse like that, which has been dead long enough to be rotting. And like I said, a rotting corpse you can smell a block away.

The idea was that he'd been killed recently and that the maggots weren't a result of rot but rather the ghost's presence.

--

A lot of strong feedback here. Needless to say, more sensitive writers come and go around here but feel free to kick me around as much as you want in the future. I'll still find something to take from what you have to say.

In any case, I'm not of a mind to spell out everything for the reader. A script needs to have elements that exist outside the page (likewise a film needs to have elements that exist outside the screen)... if that makes any sense. I'm also big on inference and not providing information solely for the benefit of the audience. It tends to have a negative effect on how natural the dialogue sounds. Since this particular script deals with the supernatural, I'm inclined to wrap everything up less neatly.

For everything else... duly noted. I'll apply it to the script.

Thanks again, man.

Glad my feedback could be useful. Since you were sending this in to compete, I figured I better not hold back. I'm sure a lot of this story will play well with the horror crowd. I hope it does well!

Hey James,

Saw this script come up, thought I'd give it a looky loo.
I see your zombie script is on hold, hope everything's ok there.

This one was a bit of a tough read for me.
I don't feel the E.C. Comics vibe was well set up for your third act.
It's a thirty page ghost story that doesn't hint at anything supernatural until page 22.
Suddenly, it feels like "Trainspotting" getting gang raped by "From Dusk Til Dawn".
It wasn't a smooth transition for me.

I'm guessing the thematic core here is morals and comeuppance.
Poor Lucas does the right thing, but all too late to save himself.
I like Smithy as a character, the drug thing worked out fine for me.

This suggestion is kinda left fieldish, but it just flashed in my brain, so here goes...
Lucas is a fallen teacher, he did the right thing and got punished for it.
Let's take the underutilized identity of the corpse being pillaged.
Why can't Phyllis actually be one of Lucas's grade school teachers?
Now, there's a connection between the two that also ties into the theme.
Getting "admonished" by your undead teacher has all sorts of implications.
Now, that's a fun dark pickle dripping with sarcasm on a moral slippery slope.

Playing out a moral/supernatural conflict against an ironic backdrop sounds like fun.
Maybe I'm crazy, but that's what just popped out of my head.
Poor Lucas feels horrible as he robs the grave of the teacher that inspired him.
Flashbacks to his youth in her classroom could be buckets of fun.
That's E.C. Comics full tilt ironic gold, in my humble opinion.
There's a lot of doom and gloom and I think a sly nasty twist would help.
I like most of your dialog, I just wanted this all to be happening faster.

As to the ending, it felt tacked on.
I didn't get the money or the heckling ghosts in the graveyard.
They felt random to me.

I hope this ramble helps, best of luck with all your fine writing.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for the read, Brett.

I'll consider your point about the transition from mundane to supernatural, although you're not helping your case by comparing it to a Trainspotting/FDTD gang rape; that sounds awesome! If I changed anything, I'd expect it'd be subtle. Many a little hint or two of what's to come before they finish the job. I've got some ideas flowing already. Just the same, I'm more or less happy with the way it stands now. I don't mind dramatic shifts in tone, so long as they're facilitated by the story. I quite enjoy writing this way as it makes the stories more interested. Personally, I don't like to get everything in a neat little package.

The ending might be a different story. I've had a lot of complaints about it, numerous to the point where I might have to reconsider my stance. The situation with the money was initially to tie things up with Mel, so she wasn't a character who appeared in the opening only to disappear entirely. But I'm not sure it's necessary anymore what with Lucas's phone call to her before his demise; it might be easier not to have it rather than have to justify it.

I still don't understand why people are having such a hard time with the ghosts. I really, really don't. To say it's tacked on is one thing but people's issues seem to be inherent in the situation. I don't get it.

I'm not married to it though. I'm sure I can think of something that works better to wrap everything up.

Your suggestion about the teacher's not a bad one but I think I'd have to drastically change the dynamics of the story to incorporate it. While I've made exceptions, I don't like to use flashbacks. More often than not, it's cheap writing. I also feel like if Lucas were fond of this teacher, he wouldn't help Smithy, even if he didn't get the money. If it were a teacher he felt mistreated by, he might be more game but I feel like that would detract from his likability. While he may not be a saint, that's still something that's important to me.

I can't recall reading West Side Markets. Seeing as it's the only thing of yours I haven't read, I'll check it out.

Thanks again, man!

Quoted from James McClung Thanks for the read, Brett. I'll consider your point about the transition from mundane to supernatural, although you're not helping your case by comparing it to a Trainspotting/FDTD gang rape; that sounds awesome!

Hey James,

Heh, well then, go over the top and have a field day!
Maybe that's why the ghostage feels out of whack in your narrative.
It's a straightforward character study that takes a big detour.
It's probably something minute, but there's a kernel missing for me.
And that narrative kernel is the suspension of disbelief I'm looking for here.

Quoted from James McClung The ending might be a different story. I've had a lot of complaints about it, numerous to the point where I might have to reconsider my stance. The situation with the money was initially to tie things up with Mel, so she wasn't a character who appeared in the opening only to disappear entirely. But I'm not sure it's necessary anymore what with Lucas's phone call to her before his demise; it might be easier not to have it rather than have to justify it.

Mel felt superfluous to me at the end.
We've gone from sober morality tale to maggot sprayfest.
Lucas and Smithy is where it's at, as far as I'm concerned.
Heck, maybe they both went to the same school, different years.
They both have a connection to the old bird in their own way.
Eternal afterlife with your old teacher. It's the ultimate detention!
I'm selling myself on this and it's not my story, pardon my OCD spitball.

Quoted from James McClung I still don't understand why people are having such a hard time with the ghosts. I really, really don't. To say it's tacked on is one thing but people's issues seem to be inherent in the situation. I don't get it.

Nothing about this script felt supernatural at all until we're in the maggot fest.
Maybe the hermit is the way in?
He babbles some ghostly gobblety gook? Something.
I want to go on your journey, but I need a tour guide, James.

Quoted from James McClung Your suggestion about the teacher's not a bad one but I think I'd have to drastically change the dynamics of the story to incorporate it. While I've made exceptions, I don't like to use flashbacks. More often than not, it's cheap writing. I also feel like if Lucas were fond of this teacher, he wouldn't help Smithy, even if he didn't get the money. If it were a teacher he felt mistreated by, he might be more game but I feel like that would detract from his likability. While he may not be a saint, that's still something that's important to me.

I think that's part of my detachment from the story.
Lucas didn't deserve it, wrong place wrong time kind of dude.
If he made his choice and had to pay for it, but still wanted good thing for Mel...
I'm even more invested in his struggle now. I like that guy.
It gives Lucas a serious dilemma and there are consequences either way.
Perhaps Lucas balks and Smithy coerces him.
It seems like a fun dynamic to me with lots of possibilities.
I work better in those environments and helps me be more spontaneous on the page.

Quoted from James McClung I can't recall reading West Side Markets. Seeing as it's the only thing of yours I haven't read, I'll check it out. Thanks again, man!

If you're in the mood for a Valentine romance battle royale, feel free! Thanks!
Best of luck, James. You've got the chops, have fun digging in!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Nothing about this script felt supernatural at all until we're in the maggot fest. Maybe the hermit is the way in? He babbles some ghostly gobblety gook? Something. I want to go on your journey, but I need a tour guide, James.

I meant Lucas and Smithy as ghosts. Even within the context of the second half of the story, a lot of people had a problem with this. That's what I don't understand. Your issue with the supernatural angle overall, I get.

Quoted from James McClung I meant Lucas and Smithy as ghosts. Even within the context of the second half of the story, a lot of people had a problem with this. That's what I don't understand. Your issue with the supernatural angle overall, I get.

Pardon if this comes off as rude, but let me ask you a question.
Why do you think it's appropriate Lucas and Smithy wind up as ghosts in the end?
Whatever that reason is, make sure it's logic is consistent through the story.
Even a hint of supernatural property about the jewel may help most readers.
A strange glow as it's stolen, etc. Something like that may be the lynch pin.
I'm grasping at straws to put it into words, hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

I wouldn't say it's inappropriate. It doesn't break any rules I've laid out for the world. I suppose it's a little unnecessary but it wrapped up the story. Before I posted the script, it ended the moment Lucas is killed... I was told it was too abrupt (there's just no pleasing some people).

Regardless, these aren't the sentiments people are projecting. People seem to have problems with the corporeal qualities of the ghosts. It's strange to me. Stranger still is how fervent the disapproval has been.

In any case, I think I'm gonna chuck it. Maybe end with Phyllis returning to her grave, the hermit watching from the woods and running away in fright. Watch'cha think? Yes? No? Maybe so?

Quoted from James McClung I wouldn't say it's inappropriate. It doesn't break any rules I've laid out for the world. I suppose it's a little unnecessary but it wrapped up the story. Before I posted the script, it ended the moment Lucas is killed... I was told it was too abrupt (there's just no pleasing some people).

James,

I don't think it's inappropriate, not what I meant, sorry.
I wanted to know why you chose that end for your protags.
Whatever that reason is, see if it's "footprint" exists elsewhere in your script.
If it doesn't you may want to find a way to interject it in there.
Does that make more sense? I suck at expressing myself today.

Quoted from James McClung Regardless, these aren't the sentiments people are projecting. People seem to have problems with the corporeal qualities of the ghosts. It's strange to me. Stranger still is how fervent the disapproval has been. In any case, I think I'm gonna chuck it. Maybe end with Phyllis returning to her grave, the hermit watching from the woods and running away in fright. Watch'cha think? Yes? No? Maybe so?

The living eyes bit at the end was the part that sat odd with me, that's it.
With all the maggotness, I took Phyllis as a coming back from the dead thingy.
I think Lucas and Smithy are your protags and you should do what's best for them.
Perhaps a touch of exposition from the employer before he expires could work.
Sometimes, it's that kind of plot stuff that can tie things together for the reader.

E.D.