How long does it take to get your script posted here? I have noticed no change in the short script catagory for a week now.

Quoted from Inquiringmind How long does it take to get your script posted here? I have noticed no change in the short script catagory for a week now.

Try PM'ing Don or one of the mods if you're missing a script.

Hey James,

Not a huge fan of this one I'm afraid. Don't get me wrong, it had a plausible set-up with the overdue bills and what not, and the strained relationship beween Lucas and Mel was an interesting angle but, to me, it took too much of a backseat to a rather generic horror story.

I thought there was way too much dialogue in first 10 pages (Smithy and Lucas' truck ride), in fact, overall, I feel you used too much time on expository dialogue throughout. Some like it, some don't. Guess which category I fall into. I just think it's overkill.

Lucas seems a believable character but I think his character development suffers through the aforementioned expository dialogue. I would have liked to have seen more of him and Mel together.

Smithy is a douche. I didn't like him. I know that was the point but he's in pretty much every single scene and it just became really really tiresome reading about him. To me, he was one of those 2D characters that get old very very fast. I wish you would have focused much more on Lucas after they get to the buyer's place since he's the protag. Reading about Smithy was a chore.

The tons of maggots got a bit repetitive after a while but I understand why you did it.

Now, my biggest problem with the script was not the characters or the dialogue, it was the structure. I really couldn't tell when we got into the second act. To me, the entire graveyard scene is the first act (and that's, like, up to p. 16). No real crisis hits until p. 22/23 when Smithy finds the hidden room and things start to get spooky. That leaves 7-8 pages for act 2 and 3 and that's just way too little (and way too late) to make this a complete story in my opinion.

A few clunky phrases aside, this was well written (although I still feel it was too long).

My .02.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob. Sorry you didn't like this one. I think the word 'generic' can only have negative connotations so I won't use it but I will say that this was meant to be simple and not intended to break any new grounds or what not. I'm actually not a big fan of ghost stories but I did want to try my hand at writing one, partly because I wasn't able to participate in Soul Shadows. Basically just a fun lark for me.

Anyway, I don't mind talky stories and enjoy writing dialogue quite a bit so it's like you said. Some people like it. Some people don't. That's cool with me. Same goes for Smithy, I suppose. People will react differently to certain characters, naturally. He was sorta fun to write though.

As far as structure goes, I see where you're coming from but really didn't give much thought to it at all. I basically followed the classic formula for old ghost stories about grave robbers. I didn't try to change it too much. Rather make it cinematic and bring some of my own personal touches to it.

Nevertheless, thanks for reading!

i would think itd take lucas a second longer to catch on to the idea of grave robbing.  like smithy says we're going to the graveyard, lucas says what why?  smithy stares at him letting it sink in...  Something like that, just since its a pretty desperate type of crime, and hes just a teacher.
Though I do in fact know what minute means, I might agree its not the best word for the situation.
I kinda agree the beginning is a tad on the slow side.  Not that it is a real problem, just if this was made there would be a lot of pressure on the actors to make that dialogue interesting.
Shouldnt the slugs be INT. Clients apartment  -  Hidden chamber.  As opposed to with a comma?
Hmmm, interesting ending.  Had to help Mel out...

I liked the story, was fun and a bit disgusting, in a good way.  I do think having the real ghosts was a bit iffy.  Not to tell you how to write the story or anything, but I think a cool ending would have been something like this:
Lucas keeps thinking he's seeing the dead ladies dress as smithy loots the apartment, getting more and more scared.  finally he grabs a statue, frightened and ready to defend himself.
Smithy starts hearing stuff as he loots the ruby collection, becoming frightened as well.  finally he runs down the hall, thinking either lucas is ditching him or the ghosts are back, he busts open a door.  Lucas, thinking/seeing smithy as a ghost, brains him with the statuette.  Then maybe seeing the ghost of the client, runs away, scrambles out a window and falls to his death.
End with the two bodies of the graverobbers, slowly bleeding, a couple maggots around them, then the undisturbed grave and the clients body still seated in his chair.
So kinda keep all the suspense and horror of the walking dead and the maggots (which were pretty well used, especially falling out of the clients pants) but leave it a little questionable whether it was real ghosts, or telltale heart type stuff.

But in anycase, well written enjoyable read, 30 pages flew by pretty easily.

Quoted from jackx Shouldnt the slugs be INT. Clients apartment  -  Hidden chamber.  As opposed to with a comma?

You're right. This is just a variation I've added myself. Personally, I think it's slightly easier to read. Reading so many scripts, I find myself skimming over the slugs more than anything so I tried to make mine a little more concise. Sort of like how some people put theirs in bold. Nobody seems to mind, although I've always wondered if one might. Found some interest from producers who didn't mention it at all when they read my scripts so I guess so far, so good.

Quoted from jackx I liked the story, was fun and a bit disgusting, in a good way.  I do think having the real ghosts was a bit iffy.  Not to tell you how to write the story or anything, but I think a cool ending would have been something like this: Lucas keeps thinking he's seeing the dead ladies dress as smithy loots the apartment, getting more and more scared.  finally he grabs a statue, frightened and ready to defend himself. Smithy starts hearing stuff as he loots the ruby collection, becoming frightened as well.  finally he runs down the hall, thinking either lucas is ditching him or the ghosts are back, he busts open a door.  Lucas, thinking/seeing smithy as a ghost, brains him with the statuette.  Then maybe seeing the ghost of the client, runs away, scrambles out a window and falls to his death. End with the two bodies of the graverobbers, slowly bleeding, a couple maggots around them, then the undisturbed grave and the clients body still seated in his chair. So kinda keep all the suspense and horror of the walking dead and the maggots (which were pretty well used, especially falling out of the clients pants) but leave it a little questionable whether it was real ghosts, or telltale heart type stuff.

I considered rewriting the story similar to this. I wasn't sure if it'd work. Just thought I might experiment. Seems like it'd be "playing to tie, not playing to win" though (a little Stephen King quote there). Not sure how the maggots would tie in either if there wasn't a ghost. Ambiguous endings tend to annoy people more than anything else, save for the classic "it was all a dream" copout.

Also, I tend not to like ghost stories and part of the reason for me writing this was to see if I could write a ghost story that was effective. I've gotten some mixed reactions so far but I still think it works for the most part.

Thanks for reading, dude!

Hi James. This was a very quick read - always a good sign!  But I have some mixed thoughts on the actual story.

Ok, I liked the first ten pages. It was all set up nicely. Smithy seemd to come across as a likeable sort of larrakin small time crook. Lucas was believable as the desperate man.
It sort of changed at the graveyard. I didn't identify with the meth/glue thing. It came out of nowhere. If Lucas was prepared to break the law, he had to be aware of any repercussions. Granted, the change of venue was unexpected for him.
Smithy becomes a completely different dude at the graveyard. Its like he's in a trance or something, and then he shags the corpse?! I gather he did anyway.

After that, the story becomes a standard horror one. I dunno, James, the last 15 pages seemed very rushed to me. Its like you had all these things going on, but they jumbled together. The maggots did get tiring, as they weren't really doing anything(?)

The ending was a bit confusing - they're now ghosts obviously but I don't see how a ghost attacking another ghost could cause him any probs.

I had no prob with the actual writing or formatting - was neat and precise.
As i stated earlier, the beginning of this really hooked me in, then drifted away a bit.

Cheers stevie

Hey, James. I really enjoyed this one. Very quick read. Nice build up. It reminded me of many Tales From the Crypt episodes since every single one is about the main character doing something morally wrong and getting their comeuppance for it with a grim unhappy ending.

I loved the use of maggots and worms. Disgustingly great. The atmosphere had me thinking of the movie "One Dark Night" with the soggy, decomposing, maggot-filled floating  corpses and all.

The only thing is I think it would take the average person a lot more convincing to go along with robbing graves. I know Lucas was in a bad situation but perhaps you should go into it just a little bit more.
I loved how Smithy started being just a little "off" and you slowly revealed the depth of his depravity.
At the bottom of page 4 the character is LUCAS not LUCA.

Good job.

-Shawn

I've got mixed feelings about this one.

I guess the problem I had with this script was the story was straight forward and sort of episodic, dig grave, kill a witnesss, go see collector, step in hidden room. The characters just go through the motions. There was no real problem or crisis until near the end of the script.  It all just seems to be one big, long build up to a confrontation with a maggot ridden filthy ghost that for me wasn't really all that interesting.

What I did like was Smithy. A great character whose obnoxious, crass, dangerous personality provides plenty of entertainment. And Lucas is the perfect personality to bounce of Smithy and make Smithy's character shine.

  

Still seeing mixed reactions to this one. Some parts seem to work, others not so much. In a way, I feel the story works better that way, at least to me. It's a tale. Shit twists and turns. It's got its flaws but I'm starting to feel like I like these kinda stories better than I do ones with a central theme that kinda guides them along. Not very screenwriter-ly to say so, I suppose, but I guess I just like things that are like this, like that... don't really follow story structure 100% but are still logical in their own way and not all over the place.

Just the same, I think you dudes are on point about a lot of things. This was really sort of a lark though and I still sorta dig what it is.

Just the same. Thanks for reading everyone!

Quoted from stevie I didn't identify with the meth/glue thing. It came out of nowhere. If Lucas was prepared to break the law, he had to be aware of any repercussions. Granted, the change of venue was unexpected for him.

This comment sorta stuck out to me. I'm not sure I was entirely successful in establishing that Smithy was a dangerous guy right off the bat but the idea was that Lucas sniffs glue to put himself in a position where he'd actually be capable to rob a grave. I mean you'd have to be out of your mind, right? Well, you'll be in just about the right (wrong?) mindset to do any fucked up shit if you're sniffing glue. The way I saw it, there'd be potentially worse repercussions if Lucas didn't get involved.

Also, I figure smoking meth and sniffing glue are the absolute bottom of the barrel as far as drugs are concerned. Really tells you what kinda dude Smithy is. Same with the Old Crow. Absolute shit backwoods whiskey. Would he really be the same if he were drinking Jim Bean?

Hi James, I just took a look at the script. Overall it's an effective thriller/horror, but at times the story slows down which feels like a drag when we get to the end of the story. A lot of tightening can be done.

On the first page, you always have a character "enters", "emerges", or "appears". You can drop those and start with what they are really doing.

Liked the dialogue between Smithy and Lucas in the truck, but once they got to the graveyard, their dialogue becomes long-winded. You took 9 full pages before both of them starting digging.

I didn't get the significance of Lucas vomiting and the hermit. They are plot points that distract the main storyline. And really, what was Smithy doing to the corpse when Lucas was in the car?

Up to this point it's still interesting, but then at the client's apartment, I feel the energy of the script plummets. Because now things really drag. After they discovered the client is dead, they spent the rest of the time wondering about the house. There are some suspense going on (e.g. flashes of white fabric), but nothing substantial enough to turn the script into another direction.

It'll be interesting to know the story behind the client, Phyllis, and what's so special about the gem and necklace. But you just skimmed over it.

Didn't understand why Smithy was saying, "Come to Daddy" and "You're beautiful" before he dies.

Ultimately I didn't really care for them because they get what they deserve. The ending bit where Smithy slashes Lucas came out of the blue as well.

Overall, I wish there is more explanation as to what's going on, instead of having Smithy and Lucas running around the apartment. The script can also be tightened up to around 20 pages or so.

Hope this helps.

About the glue/meth thing... It makes sense that you would need something in order to stoop to robbing graves, the question is whether its believable that his character was ready to stoop to sniffing glue, which I think is what other people had  bit of an issue with.  He certainly seemed financially desperate, but still kinda naive and inexperienced, not someone that would easily jump to the lowest rung on the drug ladder.

Like I said about before, I'm not sure how much different you could do the script for the beginning part, but every bit like this is putting that much more pressure on the actors to sell a pretty delicate balance as believable.  And just reading it, you have to really picture the moment happening in a pretty specific way to buy it.

Did enjoy it though, and perhaps we're getting a tad analytical for a horror short.  I've seen plenty of produced films that I had no doubt SSers would have torn apart if they were put up here instead of actually on the big screen.

Good luck with it....

Hi James,

First off, judging from your body of work, it's clear that you are very prolific.  Kudos on that.  I'm jealous.

I guess I was in the mood for something dark, so I had a read of this one.  I thought the writing was good, and I mostly enjoyed it, but like some others, there were a few points that held it back for me a little bit.

As someone else mentioned, I think you did a good job of creating tension and adversity for Lucas, but his quick switch to the dark side, money issues notwithstanding, was a little abrupt for me.  We learn that he got fired from a job that he loves becuase he took a really idealistic stand, but then in the same scene we find that he is on his way to help loot an antique store.  Too quick for me.  I think you need to string this transformation out a bit, or alternatively, maybe you can make him a little less idealistic.  Or better yet, maybe we only know that he was fired, and a few of the circumstances, but the real reason is left unkown until later in the story.  In this way, it's not so much of a leap for the audience.

I realize that his transformation and his soul searching are a major part of the script, but I also felt he was overshadowed by Smithy, and the soulsearching became a secondary issue.  That said, I rather enjoyed the Smithy character (despite whatever it was he did in that grave).  He had some good lines.

i.e. P. 7 – “Autopsy. Mental Funeral. I always listen to “Robbing the Grave” before...well, before I get to work.” I laughed at this one.  

I wouldn't change anything with Smithy, just try and bring Lucas up to his level.

Initially I enjoyed the use f the maggots, but I do think you might want to pare it down in some instances.  That said, I think it would film much different than reading.

Lastly, I didn't have a problem with the ending with Smithy punching Lucas, but I kind of got conflicting vibes.  There was both a lightness and darkness to it for me.  The punching part was almost like a ghost/buddy scene in that they were stuck together for eternity.  On the other hand, there is a darkness to when Lucas tries to scream, but is unable.  

Anyway, just a few thoughts (which is to say, not worth a hill of beans), and thanks for the read earlier.  I look forward to reading more.

Good luck.

Craig  

Recently submitted a rewrite for this. I'm think I'm going to take a crack at Shriekfest with this one so I could use a few more reads. Any takers? I know y'all got scripts you need read.

Also apologies to those who posted reviews but whom I didn't, for whatever reason, respond to. Your suggestions are appreciated and duly noted.

Will read during Celts game tonight. Will have review later or tomorrow.

Hey James

You are planning on entering this into competition, so I am going to try to stay constructive and focused on feedback that will be useful. I probably should read other reviews first, but that's not my MO.

Much of this has me completely baffled. There seems to be real logic gaps in the story, things that bug me in reading that maybe would be less of a problem in a film version. Or maybe I am missing things, and if so I sincerely apologize. I read it slow and really tried, though I was watching basketball.

It's not entirely clear why they are robbing the grave, and it's definitely not at all clear why Lucas was brought on the mission. Let's start with these problems.

The woman had some kind of valuable gem that this Smithy is hired to dig up. Ok. Never really explained anything mysterious about the woman or the gem, nothing supernatural, but it seems to me that this is a one time job, a special assignment. But Smithy's comment about the song he plays implies grave robbing is a regular gig. And it seems as though he has an extreme necrophilia thing going. Smithy mentioned has special client base, so I guess that is with people who need stuff from graves, but how many of those jobs are out there? I don't know if this sounds nitpicky, it was just very much on my mind and I kept wondering if it would be explained later.

The next issue was why Lucas is brought on the job:
--What I need you to do
tonight is make an appearance. That’s
all. Otherwise, we’ve got a problem--

That is the explanation for why he's on the job. And Smithy doesn't really ask anything of him, and worries the whole time about him snitching. And with Smithy knowing what he does with dead bodies, why does he want anyone with him? I am confused.

What happens later is still confusing. The ghost comes back for the jewel, and apparently has the power to kill people, turn them into ghosts. And yet the money gets delivered. And how did they even get the money? They never found the safe. I'm sure I'm missing things, will have to go back.

The house is full of earthworms, maggots(no flies), beetles and critters. Seems over the top and hard to understand for me, but I guess it's like Speilburg stuff, very visual.

I just had a hard time putting all this together.

Guests arrive, will get back with notes later!