Mate,

Sometimes you got to do what you got to do.  And believe me, no one is more stubborn than me about changing their scripts.   I can totally understand where you are coming from.

However, sometimes you have to step back and look at what the feedback is and decide if that script is doing what you want to achieve.  And if it isn't then you need to either change the script or what you want to achieve from it.  Make sense?

From the proceedings here I would say your script is not doing what you want it to achieve.  Clearly you have quite a narrative you were trying to convey with this script.  You wrote a long post about it.  This is obviously what you were trying to achieve.

And clearly no one got it, most people didn't even get it after your explanation.  Not here, not on Movie Poet. So you did not achieve what you hoped to achieve with this script.  

Therefore, either the script should change or what you are trying to achieve with it should change.

And I'm not trying to criticize you as a writer here - I thought you did a pretty good job with the actual writing - but I believe you should learn to deal with your feedback in a more constructive manner.    

I hear you Michael.

Funny thing is, I'm no that stubborn to change a script. I changed the title and a number of other things because of some sound suggestions.

Now, someone suggests that I change the story... well, that's another story.

It is not so much, I believe, that I dismiss feedback that disagrees with my  intention as it is that I have no interest in writing Doreen's story. I'm not saying that hers would be a bad story, but it is Hank's the one in which I was interested.

It sunk!

Then - Women and children first!

Teo

Quoted from dotsandrops If only that was fisrt million mistake! but I'm afraid not. Pity you dislike the colon family. But it is there for a reason, and they do what no one else do. They make me sound pretentious? What can I say: That's the smallest of my faults. No one prise me for my bad genes; I'm not apologizin for my good ones. Vertical,yes. And to hell with adverbs, too. t

I regret. Not often. Er, hang on. Now.

I didn't use the word pretentious. As you well know. Your last line made me nearly fall off my chair laughing.

I do give credit where due. And that reply to my post was one of the best I have so far received.

Keep it cooking fella.

R x

Quoted from dotsandrops I hear you Michael. Funny thing is, I'm no that stubborn to change a script. I changed the title and a number of other things because of some sound suggestions. Now, someone suggests that I change the story... well, that's another story. It is not so much, I believe, that I dismiss feedback that disagrees with my  intention as it is that I have no interest in writing Doreen's story. I'm not saying that hers would be a bad story, but it is Hank's the one in which I was interested. It sunk! Then - Women and children first! Teo

Teo,

I don't think the story you described is bad.  In the script, you just need to convey it to us in a way we would better understand.

You can't always assume a reader will understand what you're thinking. Subtlety doesn't work very well in scripts - so sometimes you need to hit the reader over the head.  It's better to err on the side of being too obvious of having too much there because you can always cut what isn't needed.    

Teo,

Clearly you are thinking on more than one level with your script. The point of it passed me too, but your insight and actual writing ability in pure terms demo that you have a lot of potential. I think it's a more a case of focus. While I partly agree with Mike about the opportunity to cut fat at a later point, I think that hitting your audience over the head will result in an average script. Most of the produced scripts that either breakthrough or are just damn good, have that element of subtlety and nuance. It's then up to the director to fashion something that gives the script true life.

I think its about finding the right balance between focus and ambiguity when writing.

Andrew

Ren, Michael, Andrew, and everyone else: Thanks for the inputs and the undeserved kind words.  I mean it.

Teo

Hi,

Ok I get it now... A bit too sub textual for me. It didn't read like a script though...more like a short story. Teo, its funny you have to explain your script, your script is meant to do the explaining for you. You mention things in your explanation such as Basil being a womanizer I wouldn't have known that from your script, or you say he doesn't want pay but I remember him asking for money on the bottom of page 4. And the stuff about him bringing paintings to life (hey, why doesn't he just paint himself women...or in fact Doreen instead of birds). Heck, this is too nitpicky...The script is fine.

I could imagine this being done as a cartoon though...A grown up cartoon that is.

Hey, Teo, I read your explanation of the script, but still you didn't tell us why you have to make the birds in the painting coming to life. I know that's the theme of the MP contest in March, so you had to bring something to life, but its happening must be significant and self-explanatory. Right now the birds flying away feel very random.

One more thing, the script feels like several scenes stitched together rather than a story. Is there any consequence if Doreen lose Basil? What's at stake for Hank if Doreen disobey him and follows Basil? The answers to these questions will make your script more interesting.

Hope it helps.

24, you hit the "explaining the story" subject right on the head. That's why I didn't see the point of explaining it in the first place -and why I won't answer more questions now, either, if I may. Nonetheless, I thank you for your input. The cartoon idea is a good one.

Coding, same as above. I won't explain further or answer more questions because is not going to make anything more clear but rather generate more questions. Instead, I'll take your doubts as areas in need of work. I appreciate very much your feedback. It does help. Thanks.

Teo