Thanks for posting this. You sort of lost me right from the start because I didn't feel that the incident was enough of a big deal to warrant such a reaction. And I'm a woman! Some punks yelling "free pussy" into a reception hall would make me roll my eyes if I even heard it over the reception music andrevelry. Just didn't feel real enough to me so thewhole rest felt contrived.

What would ruin a wedding reception to the point that it necessitated some sort of testosterone fueled chase? Maybe a complete actual crash into the place, turning over tables, destroying the cake before pics could be taken of it or guests could eat it, overturning a food buffet or other food, setting the place on fire (maybe). A group of middle schoolers shouting semi obscenities into a reception hall? Never.

Just MHO. From a girly POV.

Hey CM.

I agree the setup was to crash the party, not just yell in the door. And the yell by itself may not have been enough to fuel this story (sigh) it was enough get my gang of juvies in trouble years ago. Maybe if I had made them younger and actually did some damage...

Thanks for the read!

Gary

Michael,

Thanks for taking the effort to explain things. Lessons learned. The words of encouragement are much appreciated. Maybe I won't give up my crayons just yet.

Gary

MP,

Thanks for the girly POV (from Florida and Ontario). I was going for a low cost teen type script which admittedly, could have been better executed.

Gary

Quoted from MPaige Thanks for posting this. You sort of lost me right from the start because I didn't feel that the incident was enough of a big deal to warrant such a reaction. And I'm a woman! Some punks yelling "free pussy" into a reception hall would make me roll my eyes if I even heard it over the reception music andrevelry. Just didn't feel real enough to me so thewhole rest felt contrived. What would ruin a wedding reception to the point that it necessitated some sort of testosterone fueled chase? Maybe a complete actual crash into the place, turning over tables, destroying the cake before pics could be taken of it or guests could eat it, overturning a food buffet or other food, setting the place on fire (maybe). A group of middle schoolers shouting semi obscenities into a reception hall? Never. Just MHO. From a girly POV.

Mpaige, thanks for that. I tend to see things from a strong male point of view because I was the only girl growing up in a house-full of brothers! ...still, I had to laugh reading your post because I thought, "Gary, see if you would have communicated with me, you would have avoided all that.

I agree. Your points are completely valid and it just goes to show how different a male and female can view the same topic.

When I read the story, I was reading it with "backstory" in my head. Indeed, I was reading it from a strong male perspective  because of the influences I've had in my life.

Your post has seriously re-lighted the female perspective, thank God!

Mucha appreciated!!!

Gary,

This read fast. Well paced. My biggest problem was believability with the initial incident that set this whole thing into motion. They're obviously having their receptioin at the local pub. How would a kid ruin that by yelling "Free pussy" . Would've figured they would laugh their asses off and continue downing their spirits.

Maybe if they threw a stink bomb in. Made the place smell like shit the rest of the night. Then I could belive they would be this upset about it.

On a positive note, there was some good lines in here that made me chuckle. Me and my friends used to do stuff like this all the time. Trust me, when the chase was on, you fell down, you were left for dead.

When we were 15 one of my ass-wipe friends, during Halloween, slipped a page from a porno mag into a kids trick or treat bag. His dad immediately grabbed it. When he saw it, the chase was on. I took a wrong turn. Hid in some bushes. He found me. Didn't end well for me. So, I can relate with this story. My friends left me for dead.

So, again, I liked it. Just think the initial incident needs to be a bit more evil on their part to ruin this reception. Other then that, good work.

James

JAMES.

Yeah, I never thought about the believability factor for a moment because that part of the story actually happened. We yelled and they came running. I can see now where that isn't enough in scripts.

Thanks for the read, the chuckles, and the Halloween story. Maybe I'll see it in the OWC.

Gary

Hey Gary. I kinda owe you a lot of reads. Hope you don't mind me starting here. I'm actually a third of the way through Price of Coal but I'll get to that when I get to that...

Anyway, I hate to repeat what others have said but my strongest reactions to the script were the same as many others. But when I say I hate to repeat others, I mean it so I'm not going to; rather, I'll take what they've said and go even further. A bunch of thirty-something bros is one thing but I don't understand how the "free pussy" reduced the bride to tears. Does she have some past we don't know about?... Okay, maybe not.

At one point, I thought she might have been upset that all the guys ran out and made as much of a spectacle as the kids did on her wedding day. Even more of a spectacle, actually. But they seemed to be aware that she'd been crying so I guess it couldn't have been that. So back to where I was before. Those guys were out of there fast. Did she immediately burst into tears upon hearing the comment? Seems silly. It's just a bunch of dumb kids. The wedding's over so there's not much to ruin. Or maybe she's just sensitive?

The whole "bonding" between Jeff and the wedding guests was somewhat strange. I can't say it felt forced or unrealistic. It made for some interesting dynamics between the characters. I just wasn't really sure where it all came from.

Anyway, this was more or less fun to read. I can't say it was all that comedic. Or light for that matter. Not that it was heavy but there was a fair share of dramatic moments, I thought. But it was good for what it was, I suppose.

James.

Thanks.

You point out a weakness in this piece I had not thought of: character interactions. I tried to design a piece where I kept on upping the action and could have done better with that.

As to whether it's a comedy light or not is one of those classification things, I wasn't sure.

Gary

Hey Gary, just found this...and see Sandra was bringing my name up for some reason.  Hmmm...

Wish I could say I loved this, but I didn't.  Numerous issues, IMO.  Sloppy writing throughout.  Unclear references to "he", him", etc.  Short, incomplete "sentences" that just don't work as written.  But the biggest problem here is the "story" itself.

I don't really see a story here at all.  It definitely comes off as a small scene in a bigger story.  No resolution for anyone.  No characterization.  No real reason to sit on its own as a script, IMO.

OK, 2 more things...

1)  Slugs are pretty poor throughout and the opening one is a perfect example of stuff I say all the time.  First of all, IMO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using exact locales...in fact, I think it gives character to a script.  But here, it doesn't work at all because we don't know where the script is set if we were watching a filmed version. We wouldn't see the Slug, telling us where we are.  There isn't a SUPER, and the locale isn't mentioned by any of the characters.  SO, because of those reasons, it doesn't work here.

2)  Like James, when I was young, my buddies and I did this sort of shit all the time, so I can definitely relate.  But, it doesn't play out realistically, it's not funny, nothing really happens, and we don't learn anything about anyone...thus, I don't understand the intent.  It could have been a coming of age tale.  It could have been a full blown comedy. It could have been a number of things, but it turned out being very little, and for that reason alone, it doesn't work for me.

Take care, man.

Jeff,

Shit happens.

I may be in a slump right now but I'll keep slugging away.

Thanks.

Gary

Hi, Gary, thanks for reading my feature, this is the first part of my return reads.

This short, for me, is just like what your title suggests, an incident. It's something more than an incident but not quite a complete story yet.

Basically, a group of teens yelled one line of insult at a reception, they ran away, one got hurt, they went back and called for help. I hope there's something more to hook me into the story.

The interaction between Jeff and the people at the Corner Bar didn't quite ring true to me. First, I didn't get why Nadine would be crying because some random guy yelled, "Free Pussy!" Second, Nadine slapping a teenager comes out of the blue. And then she suddenly became so chummy with Jeff. She even asked Jeff if he should forgive his friends? I also didn't get why they were asking about each other's mom.

However, I did like the scene where Steward and Mike disagreed with each other after Rick got clothes lined. Good conflict, it showed characters.

The ending just kinda lingered off instead of delivering a punch. Hope you can put in some surprises or punchlines.


Herman

Hello Herman!

Sorry for the late reply.  Yeah you’re right.  This is more of an incident than a real story.

I was going for a story that was low budget and the antics kept escalating.  I think I have a low-budget price nailed down but the character actions didn’t tie together as well as they should. Nadine is a contradictory character.  I liked her but she may not have fit into the story well.  As one reviewer put it, I spent extra character time on Nadine while almost none on the other characters.

One ending, had the groom come out of the restroom with a gun.  Maybe I should’ve done that. But that only would’ve helped the ending.

I’m glad you liked the interaction between Stewart and Mike after Rick’s accident.

I always appreciate your comments, a nice balance between detail and the big picture.

Gary

This is my first review after joining yesterday, hope I can offer something different than has already been said.

If your going for a serious piece here then I'm in agreement with what others have said about the believability of the incident. However as you've posted it as a light comedy, then this kind of over the top reaction could be seen as just that. Prehaps a different structure in the setting of the scene could emphasise this.

I liked the dialogue, funny and witty; clothes lined by a clothes line. Also the way Nadine brings Stewart close to tears.

I could go on but feel I would just be repeating what others have already said. Hope I gave you some othe aspects to think about.

Good Luck.

Del

This script was a fun read, if imperfect.  I admire the way you captures the 'ass-hole' qualities in Stewart.  He acts a lot like we teenagers so often do.  As many have said, the 'clothes line' line was quite funny.

However, I didn't buy the final scene.  Stewart's friends teaming up to call him an ass-hole just came off as phony, although I'm glad Stewart never really learnt a lesson.  This was a well written, if occasionally uninspiring script.  I think you need to find a stronger story to apply your obviously considerable writing skills to.