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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Realist Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Realist  (currently 2946 views)
Don
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Realist by Sean Chipman (mr. blonde) - Short, Drama - A man has a different view of the world, which he shares with a newsstand vendor. 5 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  February 7th, 2011, 10:36pm
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Don. Thanks for putting this up.

This is kind of a sister-sequel to a script I uploaded on MoviePoet.


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LC
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Hey Don. Thanks for putting this up.


Okay... but is it just me? Cause I can't open this.

...

Thanks Bert.
Mr B, I'll now have a read.




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LC  -  February 7th, 2011, 10:41pm
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LC
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Sean, there's something about this I really like. Just a few notes:

A MALE CUSTOMER (29) well-kempt and… takes her place at the newsstand – I know what you've written here, considering the female customer before him, but it comes off as a little ambiguous. Maybe just have him step up, grab a paper etc.

'Are you gonna pay for that?' I don’t think you need the preceeding ‘speaking of reading’ line from the vendor here. He's seen this a gazillion times.

The lil exchange about the rain, I like. And the next bit referencing Howard Beale  is good (if well trodden stuff). Clever leaving the title of that movie out. Make 'em work.

I particularly liked the exchange re if he wanted to kill himself too - about the other guy wanting to 'talk about it' - that made me chuckle.

As is, it's well written, natural dialogue, ticks all the boxes re format etc. but I was ultimately left feeling something's missing... especially if I was watching it - which is the whole point. I think at the moment it's just a little bit too subtle. For filmic purposes, I suggest you need something bigger (an ironic moment perhaps, after all that) tacked on at the end. Just mho.

Well done though.



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LC  -  February 7th, 2011, 11:23pm
Adding a bit...
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, LC, thank you for reading. =)

If there's something you like, I'm not sure what it is. I thought this script would go over poorly. Lol.

I could do that. Clarity's not one of my strong suits.

That's true. He probably has. I'll fix it when I re-draft.

Ok, so I like cliches. Shoot me. Lol. Glad that worked for you, though.

That was one of those parts where people will like it or it'll turn them off completely from it. Glad you were the former.

Yeah, the Achilles heel. Throwing in something visual, something that's not just dialogue. However, I will note that it may be better that it ends the way it does instead of attempting the ironic moment you suggested.

In the story I referenced that this is a sister-sequel to, two guys in a bar are having a similar conversation. One talks the other out of getting drunk and going home to his family. On the drive home, the guy who left sober was killed by a drunk driver.

I mentioned it and people didn't take too well to that ending, so I changed it to the guy leaving the bar, happy-ish.

I learned my lesson on this one and left it as one of those moments you can't explain. You have a simple conversation with someone you've never met and will probably never see again, but for some reason, their words resonate with you.

Once again, though, thank you for reading.

P.S. Sorry it took so long. =)


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there Sean,

Thought I would give this a look see.
I have not read the sister piece to this, I don't think.
As a "talking head" piece, the dialogue works pretty well.
Though it would read better if your characters have names.
It reads odd since Jack is named at the end, but your main characters are not.
The "Network" reference is cute, if a bit obscure for some folks.
I didn't get much of a visual sense of the street or city, it could help out.
Maybe break up some of those long dialogue chains.
The format reads decent, nothing really tripped me up.
It doesn't have much of an ending though, for what it is, it works.

Thanks for posting and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, E.D. =)

And, you did. Technically, I got your $8. =)
It's ok if you didn't. They're only similar in style, not in the actual story.
Talking heads, that's mostly all I write. Every now and then, I'll do some action, but it's rare.
I can't appease everyone. I, personally, like to name everyone but people get pissed at me when I give a name for someone whose name isn't mentioned. That's why Jack's the only one with the name, because it's the only one who's said.
Well, who doesn't think Network is very clever and cute? Besides, I like pop culture references, like most hacks out there. (In the hack sense, Kevin Williamson is number 1, but I'm more of a David Koepp, myself)
Descriptions are also where I suck. It's a street, and admittedly, nothing special about it. When there is, I promise I'll note it in the prose.
Pssh. You hating on my dialogue chains? That's cool. You're not the first. Lol. =)
Yeah, a slow and simple ending. It would seem odd if it ended really big considering how small the rest of it is.
Yeah, I write and write and write and one of these days, I'm gonna get better.

-Sean


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Thanks for reading, E.D. =)

Pssh. You hating on my dialogue chains? That's cool. You're not the first. Lol. =)
Yeah, a slow and simple ending. It would seem odd if it ended really big considering how small the rest of it is.
Yeah, I write and write and write and one of these days, I'm gonna get better.

-Sean


Hey Sean.

I'm not hating on the dialogue chains. Sorry if that's how it sounded.
What I meant was when talking broad philosophies can be helped by visuals.
Use that setting to help convey your story, makes me a more invested reader too.
It's something I tried with Lie Detector to keep the talking heads interesting.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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I know. I was a-kidding.

I usually stick to just talking heads because my action lines are plain and uninteresting. Because of that, I hardly write them.

In the near future, though, several scripts of mine could go up with are "action"-based so we'll see how those go over... =(

-Sean


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khamanna
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean,

I loved your script.

Here VENDOR "It would definitely be easier to
have a normal conversation with someone, that’s for sure." - I think he goes against himself - he's not being optimistic.

In the end he's ready to turn pessimist? - that was a bit too subtle for my tastes.

But overall I liked it a lot. Lot's of thought, very (very!) nice flow and every line makes a point.

So the end - needs to be a bit stronger I'd say. Overall still very nice, I think!
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna, thank you for reading this.

Thank you.

That was intentional. The idea is that as the conversation goes along, the vendor slips from optimist to realist.

Not pessimist. The final line, "Just thinking." was implying that he just realized he's not an optimist. He's also a realist.

Yeah. I think it came out a little too subtle, but the idea is that the vendor shifts from optimist to realist by understanding the male customer's point of view on the world.

Hope that clears it up and I'm thankful you read and liked it.

-Sean


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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Sean

I can’t say I felt much towards this either way. The conversation had me interested as I would consider myself closer to a realist then the other two but unfortunately it never really goes anywhere, or more accurately, doesn’t offer much insight.

These one scene/two character dialogues need a punch line if it’s a comedy while if you’re playing it straight you need some fresh, ideological basis behind it, in other words, you should have something to say. I think this lacks any clear focus or point instead recycling stale, commonly held opinions.

On the plus side, I liked the raining cloud differentiation between a realist and a pessimist and the Howard Beale reference, Network is one of my favourite films and the “mad prophet of the airwaves” one of my favourite characters.

Perhaps I’m wrong and this was operating on another subtle level that went over my head. If so, please explain.

Best of luck

Col.


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alffy
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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I wonder why you named Jack but no other character in the script, Sean?

I enjoyed this and it was a breeze to read but I may be missing something at the end...meaning I was entirely sure I got it.

The dialogue rattled off the characters tongues and was engaging enough but the ending was a little pale for me.  There was no pay off, if you get me.

I'm not saying I wasn't entertained by this, I enjoyed but was left a little short changed by the ending.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Col,

What are you doing, reviving a perfectly happy dead script? Lol. I'm kidding. =)

Basically, it's meant to just be a conversation. I can't write people having a normal one so I opt for making a small statement then ending before it goes too far. It wasn't so much anything subtle. I had a character who passed on his beliefs to another person then vanishing like any conversation you might have with a person on the street.

I'm glad parts of it worked for you but understand the negatives you felt. This was one of my favorite stories to write but I knew people were going to have problems with its general lack of focus or story. Thank you for reading, though.

Alffy,

I did name the other characters. "The Realist" refers to the guy and the vendor as individuals. Jack was named because he wasn't a realist, he was, as the male customers put it, an "optimist".

You didn't miss anything. The Male Customer will--likely--never be seen again by the Vendor. He leaves him with a single thought and that's the story.

I guess I could've gone with a different ending but I'll be honest, I have no clue what it would be. This was a sister-sequel to a script I wrote for MoviePoet, "The Glass Theory". I kind of wanted to do a trilogy of these short single conversation stories but I've yet to be struck by a third idea.

I am glad you liked what you did, though and maybe one day I'll improve enough as a writer to be able to do something visual. For now, I'm only even semi-good at dialogue and I don't even dare do anything involving actions and visuals. Maybe film's the wrong medium for me?


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alffy
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde

I am glad you liked what you did, though and maybe one day I'll improve enough as a writer to be able to do something visual. For now, I'm only even semi-good at dialogue and I don't even dare do anything involving actions and visuals. Maybe film's the wrong medium for me?


Are you joshing me, I hope so?  lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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