I cosign dressel once again it is a melodramatic piece. But is well written.

I fail to see any horror here.

I think it's written pretty well, other than some obvious orphans running around on the opening page.

There is a definite sense of dread and foreboding, but the climax really is more of an anti-climax for me.

It came off as more of a anti-abortion statement than anything else.  It's obviously not to be taken seriously, as in being realistic or even possible.

I'm surprised at the strong reactions here on both sides.  I just didn't get much out of it.

Good effort though and an interesting take on an age-old topic.

As I said earlier I read this on Movie Poet and I'm in the camp that this is not believable enough. There is no way on earth the Doctor character portrayed would do this and unless the Doctor becomes more of a character that would do this then the ending will never truly work.  And that's a shame too because it could be very powerful if it was believable.

I'm with everyone else on the doctor not being believable. I don't think it would ever happen.

A possible fix maybe:

What if the girl's boyfriend showed up and caused her and the doctor some grief about what she was going to do?

I mean because most of the time it's the mother's choice, no one seems to think about the father.

Cindy

Oh, Cindy.  You're brilliant.  What if the girl he was performing the abortion on was his girlfriend?

To quote one of my Gran's favourite sayings, this script was "like a bull in a china shop". It's all very well imparting a hard-hitting message to a piece (and wasn't the piece the problem here) but it requires nuance, otherwise you're smashing a view across my face with a wet fish.

Having said all that, it's good that you've posted the script and generated a reaction. My only complaint is that a complex subject matter has been presented in a shallow light.

Just as I was about to settle down to a Panorama/Dispatches double, this story was haunting me and I had to come back and post more thoughts.

First off, the issue of believability is pretty inconsequential. You've created a world in which this behaviour is believable. Would this happen in our world? No, but through your descriptions, you show that the world here is different - more eerie, colder, more clinical, less nuanced than ours.

Secondly, the more I thought about it, the less I felt you were trying to force the view down my throat. To me, this script's power is in it being entirely impartial - that's its power, as you allow the extreme actions to shift us to our own default positions and views on the subject matter. I felt like you were shoving the view down my throat because I support abortion and see it as a practical solution - the imagery confronts me with the brutal truth. Therefore, your story challenges my viewpoint, leading me to feel dismayed that such a manipulative figure - and antithesis of my views - takes advantage of a young, innocent girl who's made a mistake. You show her as a victim as much as the baby - and the doctor, of course, is unconcerned with her innocent mistake and more concerned with what he sees as immaturity and irresponsibility leading to murder.

Also, the title card is a watered down concession that actually stops you from effectively putting both sides forward. It's a concession that is not warranted. Its omission would simply be an admission from those who support abortion (including me), that they can't deal with the realities of what they support when it's shown to us in such stark imagery. So while I do not change my stance on abortion, I would argue that when you try and see beyond your own personal viewpoint, this script has a much deeper meaning and impartiality.

Thank you everyone. Scripts go up so fast and get read and commented on even faster on this site. I have limited time now, but I want to broadly thank everyone for reading and commenting, and I'll be addressing many of you individually later on.

This was a script I wrote for MoviePoet, as Michael has mentioned. I got a lot of similar feedback over there, but I've found the crowd here is a little more willing to discuss scripts, and so I posted it. I don't know why I checked the horror genre box, I must have been in a weird mood, because I don't really classify this as horror either. Sorry for that.

I wanted to write a character that would cross a line of humanity that many of the great villains cross; a character that lives in a realm and views the world that is twisted and opposite of 'normal'. I attempted to create a surreal atmosphere in order to help move this along. The descriptions are verbose and a little clunky so as to set a plodding, disturbing mood. This was an experiment for me.

The doctor was inspired by what I view as the epitome of hypocrisy: militant 'pro-life' activists. The people that are sooo pro-life that they take someone's life to make their point. But I don't necessarily shoot straight, so I flipped this around and made a militant pro-lifer an abortion doctor, doing what he despises so he could torture women with guilt afterwards. Melodramatic? Yeah, I see that point. But as Andrew commented already, the real purpose was to cause each side to think about their views. My intention wasn't for this to serve as a pro-life PDA, but to "allow the extreme actions to shift us to our own default positions and views on the subject matter" (quoted from Andrew Allen).

So thank you all for reading this and leaving comments. As I said, I'll try and discuss individual points later on when I have more time. If any of you have something you want read or looked at, please don't hesitate to PM or email me. I'll get on it asap.

Thanks Again,
Brian

I'm actually going to pull a classic Dreamscale and say that I'm shocked at the reactions this has received. I really am.

Sorry, man. I thought this was extremely poor.

I'll leave my issues with the logistics at the door. You've heard enough about that. But let it be said that I took as much issue with the logistics as the other detractors did.

Anyway, all this talk of powerful imagery... I hate to say that, while I do think there was some strong imagery here, it was nothing you did. It's a powerful subject and these images would be just as strong if used in other scenarios.

Here though, it feels manipulative and, frankly, misappropriated. I think you knew how this material could be perceived and you applied it to far too simple a framework. The result struck me as cheap and the imagery (the fetus, Christ picture, etc.) used in the most obvious and one-dimensional context possible.

What bothered me the most is that there's almost no evidence of a thoughtful screenwriting process here. I don't think you, for a moment, thought about what's going on in the mind of a female in this situation or a doctor who regularly performs abortions. There's so many interesting questions you could've asked yourself to develop the story further but it feels like you neglected to do so and opted for something that was overall easier to spit out.

The whole thing felt very misguided, frankly.

Sorry if I come off as harsh. In part, it's due to expectations set up by the other readers so it is a little unfair of me. I will say that. I know it's also unfair to blame the other readers as they didn't set out to set any expectations. They responded as was only natural to them as I've done as well.

But really. Didn't care for it.

EDIT: Somehow, I missed your post. Anyway, read it. My review stands but after reading your response, I do think that you put a little more thought into this than I initially assumed. Do I think it went into the right places. No. I still think it's misguided. But I appreciate the insight into your thought process.

Quoted from leitskev For a 5 pages script, this was extremely powerful, effective, and if it matters, very well written too.

Thank you. This wasn't for everyone, but this comment made my day. I appreciate you reading this.

Brian

Quoted from screenrider Ouch.  This was powerful.   Some of the descriptions were slightly clunky and could be shaved down, but story-wise it's a gut punch.   Good job on tackling such a sensitive subject.  You hit it like a bull in a china shop. EDIT:  There could be more to this.  Seems like it's missing one more scene at the end.

First of all, thank you for the kind words. I didn't want to tip-toe into this subject matter, so I'm taking the "bull in a china shop" as a compliment.

As for it missing a scene or having more to this... I'm actually tinkering with the idea of expanding this into a feature. I don't think that is quite what you are saying, but that's been on my mind for quite some time now. In the 'full version' there will be more to what this doctor does than just giving his patients pictures; something that really turns him evil. As far as this goes, I didn't have the room to include this part of the story, as I was writing this for a 5 page contest.

I appreciate the feedback,

Brian

Looks like I am a little on an island on this script, Brian. One thing I hope you understand, my appreciation for this story had nothing to do with me personal politics. On the matter of abortion, I am actually pro-choice, though I have respect for those that have trouble with the procedure and have a pro-life leaning.

I thought it had a creepy feel and a nice, thought provoking twist at the end, one that was eerily and expertly foreshadowed with the pregnant receptionist and the odd crucifix. It manages to challenge all sides of the argument. For 5 pages, it has a high shock value.

I've made my point above to those that object to its realism. I don't think you were after realism. It's not realistic to find a zombie in your basement or a vampire at your window either. And it only takes a little suspension of disbelief to cross into believability here. Like I said, this could be a small practice, a referral one, its patients paid for by an obscure charity with an agenda. Who knows. Nothing illegal is done. Will some patient eventually sell the story to 60 minutes? Probably, and maybe then the practice of giving the photo will have to stop. But until then...

You could do more with the doctor if you want. The first name thing makes him creepy, if that was the intent. You could have the receptionist have a conversation with her. We could learn more about the girl. But you had a 5 page limitation from the contest, and with that, you did a great job.

Quoted from rc1107 Pretty intense stuff.  Just the kind of stories I like. If there's anything about this I didn't like, it was the logline.  It ended up being exactly what it seemed.

Thank you. I'll be honest, after I read "A FEW WILL FIND THIS DIFFICULT", I was inspired to put this up. So thank you for that. I like disturbing too, especially in short form.

As for the logline? Yeah, it isn't great. I don't put a lot of effort into loglines for shorts, but if anyone has any suggestions for the logline, feel free to share.

Brian

Quoted from mcornetto I remember this script from Movie Poet.  I'm not sure if you changed it since then.  If you haven't, you have my comments over there.

I changed a few slight details, very minimal. Thanks for your comments over on MP, and for giving this another look.

Brian

Quoted from LC From a female point of view (obv. only mine at this stage) if I was watching this, I'd just think that ending is kinda' nasty, and I'd groan, not be impressed, or enlightened, or learn anything new, or even be that shocked seeing as the foreshadowing of the slimy doctor 'Call me Wade' is already inherent imo. Film often has a purpose other than to entertain. It is all about evoking a reaction; eliciting a visceral response rather than an intellectual one, but I just found this sort of corny.

As a male writer, I always appreciate a female's point of view. Thank you for reading this. The ending is kind of nasty. As I've mentioned already, the intention here is to have this  play rather neutral on the subject of abortion. The intention is for the pro-life crowd to feel something for the girl; whether they disagree with her decision or not, nobody should be treated the way she was treated. As for the pro-choice crowd, I wanted the images to speak for themselves, and had I not gone for the shock-value with the images, I couldn't have gotten that across. No matter what side of the argument you fall on, I wanted to spark some sort of introspection. I'm sorry this didn't happen for you, but I do appreciate your honesty.

Quoted from LC Having said this, you write competently Brian.

That is a wonderful compliment, thank you!

Brian