Interesting.

Thought it was very well written. You did particularly well at creating tension and building a sense of suspense whilst going through the routine of the procedure. You could really feel her discomfort.

Funnily enough I've written a similar piece on the subject, mine's provisionally called "The difference a foot makes". It was inspired by the fact that whilst a child is inside a woman's body you can legally kill them, but once it's out it's murder.

Basically it's not a question of morality, but a simple question of geography.

Hey Brian,

Thought I'd give this a look since you're always putting effort into my posts.
Decent melodrama with some solid imagery and awkward moments.
I think you telegraphed Wade's sliminess a bit much.
And the orphans Jeff mentioned were distracting at times.

As to the conclusion, well, it didn't quite work for me.
I like the foreshadowing with the art in the office.
However, the reality is, this doctor wouldn't last five minutes in the internet age.
He'd be outed pronto like Kevorkian at an Up with People concert.

If he were some doctor that Fundamentalist folks used on the sly, I could see it.
Then you can bring the parents and they can come off all supportive as well.
Only to discover they are in on the "treatment" that their daughter will receive.
Using the situation as some twisted sermon on their sullied child, etc.
In the moment, that's all I came up with.

Honestly, I think Cindy's idea is a stunner and economical to boot.

Good work. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Okay....  Leaving aside any political assumptions I might make about this script...

One definite positive: good, clean writing.  The script reads very smooth, and quickly.  Congrats, good work...!

A few negatives/problems I had with the script:

* Venerable - not sure you can refer to someone in their forties that way

* Honestly - if I walked into a clinic for an abortion, and found the walls decorated with garish religious paintings...?  I think I would have left right then.  Kind of a tell-tale sign.

* When Dr. McCorvey calls Natalee "Sweetie", it just rings wrong.  I know that was meant to be a foreshadowing for future developments re: Dr. McCorvey's character, but it just didn't work for me.

* I think that most people would react with anger at the discovery of the polaroid.  Though Natalee's reaction is possible if she's from a religious background, and dealing with guilt due to her decision.  So it's not entirely unrealistic.  But less likely than other possible reactions...

* I do agree with other reviewers that this Dr. wouldn't have lasted after pulling this on even one - maybe two - patients.  So there's the unbelievability issue at work, here.  Unavoidable in this scenario.

* It's not that I'm against scripts that argue the political and moral issues of abortion - I've been known to delve into moral issues quite a few times myself in my writing.  But this one just seemed like a shallow, quick slap in the face at the end.  It missed the depth that would really make this work.

* As a female, I can assure you: there WOULD be a nurse in the room during the procedure.  


A few thoughts from my end, FWIW.

Hey Rick -

Curious to read that one, BTW.  (Though it's not *just* an issue of geography.  It's also a question of viability, and the stage of development.  Aren't third trimester abortions illegal in most states...?)

Cheers,

--J

SPOILERS, I GUESS


I agree with Dressel.  It's well written, but very unbelievable.  If the doctor is against abortions, he wouldn't perform them.  All in all, this read like a pro-life PSA.another

Other problems I had:

1.  The procedure starts in one room and finishes in other;
2.  A female nurse isn't present during the procedure;
3.  Natalee wasn't given any anesthesia (even a local);
4.  The doctor was so casual with her.  "Call me Wade," and "Sweetie."

How long do you think a doctor who did these things would last?


VA, what do you mean that you cosign Dressel?


Phil

I think this was very well written. I enjoy your action prose. Paints a good picture in few words.

I agree with others about believability, I like beating a dead horse. I don't want to touch the subject matter, but, if you really wanted to punch this up, I would add some flashbacks of natalee being born and interlace them with her current abortion. One makes it, another does not. Why? I love the title btw. Good work overall.

James

James, that's a really good suggestion.  The flashbacks wouldn't make it more believable but it would make it a more intense art piece.

While I still disagree about the believability issue, I got to back Michael up and agree that's a good suggestion, Wentster. It adds something else.

Congrats to Brian as well for producing a script to generate a lot of interest and some good points of divergence re: the angle the script takes with the subject matter. A good thread to read.

This was really good!

I wouldn't call it horror though. Horrific yes, but not horror as in the genre.

I'm pretty sure that no doctor nowadays go in alone to a ob/gyn exam without a second person there though.

Not much to add here. I think you did a great job!!

Pia  

Hey,
I always like a little ambiguity, and thought the writing was spot on.
I didn't like the outcome so much, and think you should expand on characters. Make this less biased.

Quoted from Dressel While the piece was well-written,

At least I have that going for me.

Quoted from Dressel it was incredibly implausible and emotionally manipulative (and not in a good way).

Plausibility wasn't necessarily the first thing on my mind. Emotionally manipulative? Maybe just a tad, but I wasn't exactly trying to take one side over the other, I wanted to get under the skin of both sides.

Quoted from Dressel This would just flat-out never happen.  Especially multiple times in the same office, as it's implied.

Quoted from Dressel it's not realistic for several reasons.  One, in this day and age, if there was a doctor that was doing this, it would be ALL over very quickly.  Yelp, google, newspapers, etc.  Especially seeing as there are some very strong women that go into abortion clinics who would have a very strong reaction to this.  They wouldn't all break down. Second, if the doctor is a Christian (which it implies), it's unrealistic that ANY Christian would ever perform abortions just so he could rub it in the face of those he's doing it to.  It just flat out makes no sense.  The idea would make any actual Christian sick.

I do understand there is a lack of clarity here, so let me divulge more info. First off, this is meant to be surrealistic. Second, the painting on the wall, the absolutely empty 'waiting' room, Natalee's last name (Bishop), and her reaction to the photos were supposed to lead readers to conclude that things are a bit different here; that Natalee is a Christian, just like the doctor. The 'shame of sin' would keep her quiet about what happened. Hypocrisy runs rampant throughout the world: politics, religion, financial, you name the institution and you can find hypocrisy. This is more a commentary piece on hypocrisy than anything.

I'm a Christian. I live in a community that is extremely Christian, where just the word "abortion" might actually cause people on the street to gasp. YET, I know some families where the parents would have a 'secret' abortion in order to protect the image that their teenage girl is still chaste and celibate. An example that isn't such the hot-button issue, but to demonstrate my point; in my faith, the abuse of drugs is a sin. There is a city nearby me, where roughly 85% of the 200,000 people that live there share my faith. And yet, this city is always near the top of the national lists (USA) for per capita prescription drug abuse. This is where I'm coming from on this. Sometimes those that speak the loudest about an issue on the outside, are the worst violators of their own philosophy behind closed doors.

As far as this doctor being a Christian and performing abortions so he can rub it in the girls' faces? I've mentioned this earlier, but I'll say it again. There are 'PRO-LIFE' activists that will kill someone to make their views known. How many abortion clinics have been bombed, how many doctors have been killed by so-called-christians? Once again, hypocrisy. I took that and flipped it around.

I'm not meaning this to disregard yours, or anyone's comments, I'm only trying to give more insight into where I was coming from when I wrote this. I so appreciate you reading and commenting. I'm actually thinking about developing this 'idea' into a feature, and so comments like yours are very helpful for me in knowing where I've missed the mark.

Thank you again,

Brian  

Hey Brian

I think Matthew may have missed the point, or I did. The doctor I assumed was not attempting to rub this in the girl's face. He did this to discourage her from allowing it to happen again.

Unethical and creepy? Sure. That was the point here.

Maybe the doctor is retiring. Maybe after this week he's giving up his practice to become a screen writer. It doesn't take much imagination to conceive of possibilities that allow one to suspend disbelief.

Is the doctor sick? Yes! Again, I thought that was a big part of the story. There are plenty of people who pervert their religion to justify some perversion or other. And plenty of movies that have had such characters in them.

Brian, you know I liked the story, I don't know if this has feature potential. And the reaction to it was more unfavorable than not, so I would take that into consideration. And as Janet made clear, this really might piss women off, and I understand that, and understand it much better after reading her review.

Hey Bri -

In general (since Kevin brought me back into the fray) - I have to state that I *don't* have a problem with a short discussing the moral dilemmas of abortion.  Just one look at Casualty of War, or Vegging Out will tell you that I enjoy a philosophical fight as much as the next person...and probably much more than most.

And though I'm pro-choice myself, I'd relish a story that landed mostly on the other side, as long as it's nuanced.  Heck, if one buys the concept that fetuses have a right to life, I honestly don't see the problem with killing doctors to protect them.  That'd be self-defense of an innocent life, which I'm sure is exactly what the more extreme pro-lifers argue.

My problems with Ignoble are more a writer's issue.  

Please understand that I *do* respect you as a writer, Brian - and look forward to reading other scripts of yours.  

But for me, the ending of Ignoble is too abrupt.  And there are too many issues with believability.  Show me that Natalee had religious misgivings before going into the procedure, to justify her passive acceptance of the photos.   Make the hints more subtle, both in the waiting room and with the Dr's character foibles.  And I also tentatively like an earlier reviewer suggestion, that Dr. McCorvey *not* do this regularly...this is just his last gasp, before retiring from an industry that he's grown to find abhorrent.  

In other words, give Ignoble more depth.   And more gray areas.  At least, if you're looking to develop it further.

And definitely add the nurse in the examination room.  Trust me, it's just...done that way. )))

Hey, Janet, I meant that with all due respect. I realized that when I first read this I had not given enough consideration for the female perspective. I like the idea of testing ideas like this in shorts before expanding to a feature, and I think with a topic like this it's really useful to get female feedback if you're a male writer. You gave a great review from that perspective that gave me more insight and expanded my initial reaction to the story. I can't speak for Brian, but it seems he took it the same way.

Hey Kev (and Brian) -

Really, not offended at all...please don't think that I am.    

Just feeling quite strongly regarding these various aspects of the script.  

Honestly, the thing I find hardest to swallow is the abruptness of the ending, and how Natalee just accepts it so passively....  That's what really makes it feel like an anti-abortion PSA to me (as Phil referred to it earlier in the reviews.)